Smegma
From Bluesockapedia
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Description
Smegma cheese is soft and covered in a thin layer of skin. It has an unusual scent similar to that of sweat and human male pheromones. Upon taste it is actually quite a mild cheese although it is considered by some to be too salty. The skin is usually not eaten.
Manufacture
Harvesting Smegma
The production of good quality Smegma Cheese requires top grade smegma. The main cheese producing region of Andy's Underwear is found to the north in the Skroht mountain range. This is because it is the hot molten smegma of Mount Falle Shio that provides the basis for the cheese. After an eruption the smegma is collected using specially adpated wetwipes by Spunk Farmers who are specially trained to collect the radioactive material safely.
During the Horny Season the eruptions are too frequent to make this tradional method of harvest safe so the farmers resort to using a new modern techqiue: they use place a giant latex sheath over the end of the mountain. The sheath has an expandable bubble at closed end to catch the smegma as it is ejaculated from the volcano. The sheaths are known to be 99% effective although on some occasions, usually involving more vigorous seismic activity, they have been found to split. Effectiveness also drops if they are used incorrectly. There are also non-latex versions available for farmers who have an allergy. Research is also being undertaken to see how differen sheaths affect the harvest - under investigation is:
- Shape of the sheath
- Texture of the sheath including ribbed and nobbled
- Flavour of the sheath - this is found to have a profound effect although it is unknown why. Some flavours are detrimental to the harvest while others promote rich eruptions.
- Brand: affects the quality. Cheaper, poorer quality sheaths are more prone to splitting and are less effective overall.
Much of the time the seismic activity begins so quickly that there is little time to get a sheath fitted.
On some occasions the harvest has been made easier by a cup appearing in the sky and the volcano erupting into it. There is no explanation for this.
Preparation of the Smegma
The smegma is dried out in huge spunk-pans. The juices evaporate and are siphoned off leaving a crusty yellow crystalline structure in the pan. The 'smegma salt' as it is called is then refined further by grinding it down into a fine dust. The juices meanwhile are boiled while stirring, flour is added to thicken up the liquid, eventually producing a thick pale sauce. There is a small demand in the culinary world to use this sauce in favour of cheese sauces produced from the final cheese product as it is believed to provide a better texture and more vivid flavours.
Production of the Cheese
First the smegma juices are churned vigorously for two weeks to incorporate air into the mixture. Then it is left to stand for one week. During this time a curious bacteria feeds on the juice, living off the smegma's radiation. Luckily the bacteria produces an antiradiant to this radiation, cancelling out its negative effects on humans.
After a week half of the smegma salt is taken and stirred into the juices, binding it together. After a further week's churning the cheese will be almost solid. Finally the other half of the salt is sprinkled over the surface of the cheese forming a protective skin, making the soft cheese easier and less messy to handle.
