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From Wuw Archive

Synopsis

To be the King of Hearts, Deathbringer needs to marry a Princess of Heart, or so legend foretells. Too bad he's a masochist and mostly enjoys pain (on himself). And he's a venomancer who enjoys poisoning stuff.

But... which Princess of Heart? Oh wait. That one Princess of Heart who is in Kingdom Hearts 2 AND isn't Disney-related!

Parodic List Of Satirical Analysis In Order From Smartest To Dumbest

1. Yet another Wikihood episode plot I had is being parodied. This time it involves terrible shipping and flaw exploitations of the plot of the first Kingdom Hearts. If you couldn't open the door with the princesses unconscious, why not just open the door with one of them as your trophy wife? Not a bad idea if you think about it. You have their heart under your strings, and... oh, I'm going on a tangent.
2. Deathbringer's character is a parody of Warcraft III's Defense of the Ancients (DotA). The character himself is based on a hydralisk-modeled venomancer character named Lesale Deathbringer. Deathbringer's moveset is even similar to Lesale's (to an extent, of course: stealing I hate).
3. I parody The Wedding Singer, and also the concept of weddings. Why? For lulz!
4. I parody author surrogates and how they ship themselves to DECENT characters from original works. Deathbringer is the example of the author surrogate and Kairi is the victim (I don't really like her that much, so I feel little remorse in using her as a victim to this type of fanfiction affliction because she more-than-likely deserves it. Then again, Sora deserves this, and so does Riku, so who cares?)
5. Typical medieval stories and why "just like your father when he was your age" excuses fail to the umpteenth degree. Umpteen, like x, y, and z, is a variable.
6. Wikihood Redux's 1st (and only decent) season shall now be known as "War of the First-and-a-Half Chaos". The season does include the episode with the Italian restaurant and an afterparty.
7. Leo gets called Leotheras because he was named after that guy from the movie 300. You know who he is after you say "This is madness!"
8. Lightning Lord is the lighning elemental version of two Kingdom Hearts 2 bosses: The Blizzard Lord and the Magma Lord.
9. There is only one real chaos. That Chaos is busy doing the world
10. Most good-looking dresses tend to also be prom/the current school dance-type dresses.
11. Stronggoodia = Strongbadia with decency and less tire'd out jokes. In essence, the setting is Stronggoodia.
12. Familiar? More like, CHARACTER FROM WIKIHOOD!
13. Best spoiler ever = Snape "killed" Dumbledore
14. Why do venomancers get a holiday when they are so venomous? Because I said so!
15. I skipped the beginning and middle parts of the wedding due to being bored.
16. Crashman points out all the flaws of the wedding
17. Tl;dr = Too long; didn't read.
18. The effects of Crash Bomb on a now-married couple = Awesomesauce.

Transcript

{Tornadoman wakes up in his room in his lair. He reads a calendar}

TORNADOMAN: Oh crap! Today's Venomancer Day! All venomancers, even Heartlesses, get to do crap! Wait, how is this day important?

{Cut to a medieval Sharoth. Leo and Zane are roaming the countryside.}

ZANE: My liege, I do hope you have prepared a wedding for yourself.

LEO: I don't need a wedding yet, Zane. You know this.

ZANE: Your father was this stubborn.

LEO: Lo and behold! A fascinating calendar event approaches!

{Leo sees a sign that says, "St. Ansem's - 5 miles"}

ZANE: Sire, that is not a calendar event. It is a highway road. Thou implemented them after the War of the First-and-a-Half Chaos.

LEO: Ah, yes. I implemented them for the directionally challenged.

ZANE: Celia lives near there, I reckon.

LEO: What do you suggest?

ZANE: Celia will soon be Mrs. Leotheras the Great, just like your mother was to your father.

LEO: Since when did I get called Leotheras?

ZANE: Your father told me he named you after a Spartan warrior, who was brave, honorable, and had a wife just like you will with Celia.

LEO: Let me guess, tradition?

ZANE: Ah, you're getting the idea of things, Leotheras!

{Leo and Zane approach St. Ansem's.}

LEO: No sign of Celia. Let's have a look inside the church.

{Leo and Zane enter St. Ansem's. They see a venomancer Heartless with a tuxedo on, Kurt Zisa, Stealth Sneak, and a fat yellow Heartless that looks like the Blizzard Lord, only with an electricity motif: he is known as the Lightning Lord. Zane looks angry}

ZANE: What sort of behaviour are you scoundrels acting in an old, traditional church?

VENOMANCER: Preparing for an inevitable wedding of sorts. Why?

ZANE: We took reservation of this church three hours ago for Celia and Leotheras' wedding! You're looking at the king's best man!

VENOMANCER: You talk a lot for an old geezer.

ZANE: {even more angrily} What did you call me?!

KURT ZISA: You heard him. Old geezer.

{Zane gets out a cane and readies his attack on Venomancer when suddenly he gets electrocuted. Leo approaches as Zane falls unconscious}

LEO: That was excessive! How dare you treat the elderly with such distaste!

LIGHTNING LORD: {condescendingly} Didn't your mommy ever tell you about minding your own business? {normal voice} We have work to do! We have a King of Hearts to crown! We have a world to litter every Heartless imaginable! You get the idea, dontcha?

{The venomancer smacks Lightning Lord in the back of the head}

VENOMANCER: Stop being a complete idiot. That guy's the future king, and if we disrespect him he's going to give us a huge pummeling.

LIGHTNING LORD: Yes, Deathbringer.

DEATHBRINGER: My orders for you are simple. Get Kairi and Riku from The Destiny Islands in here. They're part of our plans.

LIGHTNING LORD: Yes, O Future King of Hearts!

{Lightning Lord salutes Deathbringer then walks offscreen}

DEATHBRINGER: AS for you, Leotheras, I suggest you scram. I don't want to hurt a future king like myself.

LEO: Uh... okay...

{Leo drags Zane and walks offscreen with him}

DEATHBRINGER: Zisa! The Sneak!

{Kurt Zisa and Stealth Sneak both salute Deathbringer}

DEATHBRINGER: I suggest you look after Leotheras. Make sure that he does not interfere with my plans! Once I am The Future King of Hearts by legal marriage, I shall become The Second Chaos!

KURT ZISA: Of course, my liege!

DEATHBRINGER: In addition, you must give out posters to the whole countryside. They must all attend my wedding of epic proportions.

KURT ZISA: Of course, sir!

{Kurt Zisa and Stealth Sneak walk offscreen.}

{Chaos walks in.}

CHAOS: Hold up a sec! What is this I hear about the Second Chaos? I AM THE ONLY CHAOS. NO FIRST CHAOS, NO SECOND CHAOS, ONLY ME!

DEATHBRINGER: Oh. Wait, weren't you doing the world?

CHAOS: Yeah, I was. THANKS FOR INTERRUPTING ME!

{Chaos kicks Deathbringer in the stomach and walks offscreen.}

DEATHBRINGER: It does help that I get kicked in the stomach. I feel tons better now!

{Deathbringer has a lightbulb appear on the top of his head}

DEATHBRINGER: I should get a red dress to match Kairi's hair! I know a Prom Dress store!

{Deathbringer walks offscreen. Cut to Namine, who is finished drawing the scene involving St. Ansem's}

NAMINE: Now I'm in the mood for tea.

{Namine goes over to a mug of tea and swigs it}

NAMINE: That's much better.

LEXON: {offscreen} Hey Namine! I need to find a proper collared shirt for this wedding I'm going to! I hear the prince of Stronggoodia is going to be there, too! It's for some venomancer! If Tornadoman's there, let's be sure we can defeat him and the venomancer! I feel as though this venomancer is familiar!

NAMINE: Do you really have to go to the wedding?

{Lexon arrives, in a blue collared shirt and black pants.}

LEXON: It's my honor to go as a former Stronggoodian citizen!

NAMINE: I could just draw the outcome of the wedding here.

LEXON: I like surprises, thank you very much.

NAMINE: That's not what you said when you wanted to know if Snape really killed Dumbledore or not.

LEXON: Shutten zi uppette, madamoiselle!

NAMINE: Did you just mesh German with some French?

LEXON: Yes. Yes I did.

NAMINE: Look, either you go or you-

{Lexon leaves, slamming the door behind him}

NAMINE: -don't.

{Namine goes back to drawing Leo's castle}

LEO: I sense a disturbance in the force... of Stronggoodia.

ZANE: I know what that disturbance is: a disturbance of tradition being not-followed!

{Celia walks onscreen}

CELIA: Good morning, Leotheras.

LEO: Hi, Celia. Why are you gussied up oh-so-fancily?

CELIA: A venomancer's day of marriage, of course. Today's Venomancer Day!

LEO: {rolls eyes} Yea, that day my father's royal advisor made to tribute to the one venomancer who slew the First Chaos. What was his name?

ZANE: I believe it was pronounced No Cigar.

LEO: Whatever. Anyway, I don't understand how this venomancer could be the epitome of all venomancers when they're so...

CELIA: Venomous?

LEO: Yeah.

ZANE: Tradition states that every citizen of Stronggoodia pays the venomancers a visit.

LEO: Well, screw tradition.

CELIA: Aww, come on, Leo. The wedding's already started. You should see a venomancer be happy on the one day they're going to be happy!

LEO: This isn't Captain N. I'm not doing some dumb "I'm Gonna Do This" shpiel.

ZANE: Both tradition and your future wife both say against you.

{Zane grabs Leo by the wrist and drags him to St. Ansem's, Celia following.}

DEATHBRINGER: Hmm, the guests are everyone?!

ZANE: Yup, even His Future Majesty Himself.

DEATHBRINGER: The wedding can begin, then!

{The wedding is fast-forwarded from the beginning to the climax}

FF7 SEPHIROTH: {offscreen} I really got bored with this, so I decidedly fast-forwarded the crap. Besides, Kairi in a red dress gets old after a few minutes otherwise.

{The fast-forwarding ceases when Lightning Lord looks at the audience}

LIGHTNING LORD: Does anyone have a problem with these two getting wed? If so, state your opinion or hold your peace. And no dumb "this wedding sucks" comments.

{Crashman from Megaman 2 stands up}

CRASHMAN: I object to this petty excuse-for-a-wedding. What's Deathbringer's age? Why does he want Kairi of all people in a ridiculous red dress? Doesn't even fit a wedding. And also, why isn't Sora the groom? She's meant for him. They both have the same pulsating heart. And why would Namine, Kairi's Nobody, approve of this crap?

DEATHBRINGER: Sora isn't a venomancer, that's why.

CRASHMAN: Uh... you haven't countered all the other crap I said.

DEATHBRINGER: Tl;dr.

LIGHTNING LORD: Too bad, Clashman.

CRASHMAN: It's Crashman!

LIGHTNING LORD: I now pronounce Kairi and this guy-

{Crashman readies a Crash Bomb}

LIGHTNING LORD: Husband and wife.

{Crashman prepares to throw the Crash Bomb, aiming at Deathbringer}

LIGHTNING LORD: You may now kiss the bride.

{Deathbringer approaches Kairi to kiss her and they do, but moments after the entire place explodes. End credits roll after that.}