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Kirbychu emails.pie/falsemail-chwoka

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Current revision as of 22:27, 4 January 2010

Summary

Chwoka's ending of the 8th email "False-Mail". This was made during Free-For-All week


Transcript

{The screen opens to show Kirbychu's computer room. Only half of the wall is intact, the rest is mainly a wooden frame. Kirbychu enters, carrying a laptop.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {sing-songingly} Checkin' my email in a broken room with an old laptop...

{Kirbychu sits down at his desk and sets up the laptop, which looks the same as his old one. X On Fire enters.}

X ON FIRE: Kirbychu, what's with this? I thought you were making a new laptop, but this looks just like your old one!

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Well, after I looked over my old laptop again I discovered that the charger was broken, and the laptop's battery was dead. I got a new one of both, and I found that it's screen broke, so I got a spare and fixed it!

X ON FIRE: Oh. I'm leaving now. {exits}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: That was strange... anyways, let get this show started!

{The computer boots up. Kirbychu opens outlook express}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Um... what? How could my bank account be expiring? I just... wait a minute, that's Zoo's email address! That jerk is trying to steal my money!

{Kirbychu copies the text of the email and pastes it in a new message window. He edits "Dear Kirbychu" to "Mr. Zoo977", fixes "your" replaces "Zoomail.EXE" with "Creditunion@kbank.com" and "The bank" to "Your Credit Union". He then sends the e-mail.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: That'll teach him to try and scam me out of my money!

{pause}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: W-why is nothing happening? He should be getting his karmic retribution by now!

{Kirbychu HR'd breaks down in tears}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh, God, my life is built on a series of foibles. I am an empty shell of a person. Am I even a person? Or merely the ungodly fusion created by science for perverse reasons I cannot begin to understand? And what does that say about my worth of a person? Am I worth only 3/5ths of one, or possibly less?

{Kirbychu HR'd stands up, with a new resolve on his face.}

X ON FIRE: {appears} Well, I know one person you can ask.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Really? Who?

{Boom Drop: The entrance to X On Fire's basement. X On Fire and Kirbychu HR'd are both there.}

X ON FIRE: My Cambodian slave. Constitutionally, you know, he IS 3/5ths of a person.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Am I?

X ON FIRE: Of course not, you're just a fusion that should have never happened.

{Both laugh. X On Fire opens his basement.}

X ON FIRE: {chipper} C'mon!

{Cut: Cambodian slave, tied to a wooden support beam with gnaw marks on it. He is asleep and you can see his ribs. Chiascuro.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D Aww, they're so cute when they're sleeping.

X ON FIRE: I know, right?

{X On Fire kicks the Cambodian slave right in the ribs, and he wakes up.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Hey, you're 3/5ths, right?

CAMBODIAN SLAVE: {subtitled from whatever language they speak in Cambodia} [I am a person, not a fraction!]

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {leaning to X on Fire} What did he say?

X ON FIRE: I don't know, just smile and act polite.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Okay. {leans out} Well, looks like we'll have to communicate through the only language we have in common -- Morse Code.

CAMBODIAN SLAVE: . ...- . .-. / ... .. -. -.-. . / .. / .-- .- ... / .- / -.-- --- ..- -. --. / -... --- -.--

KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. .----. ...- . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- . -.. / - .... . / ... .. .-.. ...- . .-. / -... .- .-.. .-..

CAMBODIAN SLAVE: ..-. .-. --- -- / ... --- .... --- / -.. --- .-- -. / - --- / -... .-.. .. --. .... - --- -.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. / -- ..- ... - / .... .- ...- . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- . -.. / - .... . -- / .- .-.. .-..

CAMBODIAN SLAVE: -... ..- - / .. / .- .. -. .----. - / ... . . -. / -. --- - .... .. -. --. / .-.. .. -.- . / .... .. --

KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. -. / .- -. -.-- / .- -- ..- ... . -- . -. - / .... .- .-.. .-..

CAMBODIAN SLAVE: - .... .- - / -.. . .- ..-. / -.. ..- -- -... / .- -. -.. / -... .-.. .. -. -.. / -.- .. -..

KIRBYCHU HR'D AND CAMBODIAN SLAVE: ... ..- .-. . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- ... / .- / -- . .- -. / .--. .. -. -... .- .-.. .-..

{The two shake hands. Cut: Leaving the basement.}

X ON FIRE: So, what did you talk about?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I have no idea.

{Cut: The highway. Both men are dressed semi-formal, as if going to work. They are stuck in traffic. Sam the Man is in the back seat, leaning into the front.}

SAM THE MAN: All I'm saying is that people who take their coffee with sugar should not be labeled as more feminine.

X ON FIRE: But taking it black says you don't care about taste, and you take it raw.

SAM THE MAN: ...and that's something manly men do?

X ON FIRE: Oh god, that came out entirely wrong.

{Cut: The office, forward tracking Steadicam shot in slow motion. Kirbychu HR'd, X on Fire, and Sam the Man are in a triangle formation. Sam The Man kicks down a cubicle wall, Kirbychu HR'D clotheslines a printer right off a table, and X on Fire kicks over a water cooler.}

{Cut: Zoo977's cubicle. He is writing something on the WUW. Kirbychu HR'd peeks over the cubicle wall.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Heyyyyyyyyyy Zooooo. Whatcha doing?

ZOO977: {quickly switching from WUW to Excel.} Nothing.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh really? {slides around the corner and in} Let me see what you're doing there.

{Kirbychu HR'd takes the mouse from a panicked Zoo.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {faking sympathy} Oooooh. Seems somebody's been goofing off. Would be a shame if the boss were to find out...

ZOO977: {snapping} You wouldn't!

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh no, I wouldn't, not me, Heavens no, but somebody else. Somebody... {talks into Zoo's ears} ...anonymous.

{Zoo is sweating bullets.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: You look like you're sweaty. Here,

{Kirbychu HR'd dumps a cup of water on Zoo's head}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Now nobody will notice. Take care!

{Kirbychu HR'd leaves.}

{Cut: X on Fire's cubicle. Sam the Man slips in.}

SAM THE MAN: {bashful} Hey.

X ON FIRE: {equally so} ...hey.

{Pause. The two begin furiously making out.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {off-screen} Hey guys!

{The two stop making out. Kirbychu HR'd waddles in.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: How's it been g- Sam the Man, is that what I think it is?

SAM THE MAN: N-no...

{Sam the Man covers his eye. Kirbychu HR'd takes Sam the Man otuside the cubicle.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Is that a black eye?

SAM THE MAN: No!

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {sultry whisper} It' okay. You can tell me. Has X been beating you?

SAM THE MAN: ...yes.

X ON FIRE: {sternly, off-screen} He fell down the stairs and onto a doorknob. It's not that bad.

{Cut: the enterance. X On Fire, Kirbychu HR'd, and Sam the Man all walk out, to be doused with a bucket of water. Pan over to Zoo, snickering to himself.}

X ON FIRE: Oh, that Zoo!

SAM THE MAN: He sure got us!

{Hearty sticom laugh.}

{Blick-and-you'll-miss-it cut: The three core members kicking and punching Zoo against a wall. Cut: Kirbychu HR'd at the bank}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Hello, sir. I wish to make a transaction.

TELLER: Sorry, sir, your account expired.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: But I need to buy a plane ticket for my journey of self-discovery!

TELLER: Well, that changes everything! Have infinite money.

{The teller lays a debit card on the counter.}

TELLER: {wink} It's on the house.

{Smash cut: Kirbychu HR'd at a smoky bar with all his friends, chugging an entire keg labeled "OLIVE OIL".}

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

{Kirbychu HR'd sets the keg down and wipes his mouth, to much cheering.}

BARTENDER: And how will you be paying for that?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Debit.

{Cut: an electronics store. Kirbychu HR'd walks up to a cashier.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I would like to buy some televisions.

CASHIER: How many?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: All of them.

{Cut: plane ticket vendor.}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Ticket to Germany, please.

VENDOR: What town?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Germany.

VENDOR: Yes sir. And which seats would you like?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I'd like all the ones on the left side, and all of the ones on the right side.

VENDOR: So... a private jet then?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {laughs} Heavens no! I don't think I have that kind of money.

{Cut: Kirbychu HR'd running up and down the aisles of the plane.}

INTERCOM: The pilot would like to remind you to stay seated while the plane is in takeoff.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: What does the pilot know?

{Cut: Germany. Sam the Man and X on Fire are there with Kirbychu HR'd, who is incredibly beat-up.}

X ON FIRE: Na dann, was sind passiert?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: {irritated} Ich habe gefallen und ich habe meine Auge geschlagt.

SAM THE MAN: Ich ben ein Berliner?

{Cut: An ominous castle. Lightning flashes.}

SAM THE MAN: So, this is where you were made?

X ON FIRE: Truly, a modern Frankenstein is Kirbychu.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh you!

{Kirbychu HR'd throws a dagger at Sam the Man, who falls down.}

{Cut: interior of the castle. Joeseph Menegele, mad scientist, is working on a new monster, covered by a sheet.}

MENEGELE: Finally, after all these years since my last fusion, Kirbychu, I am ready to unveil my new game character fusion!

{Menegele throws the sheet off.}

MENEGELE: Pikirbychunic!

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Stop right there, Joe Menegele!

MENEGELE: You! I thought I got rid of you by sending you to America!

{Pause}

MENEGELE: Not the most soundproof plan.

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I came out here for one reason and one reason alone!

MENEGELE: You would kill your own father?!

KIRBYCHU HR'D: No...

{hug}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: Daddy?

MENEGELE: Yes, son?

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I want to go kill people, but one specific kind!

MENEGELE: That's my boy!

{circle close around Kirbychu's face. Wink-smile! close.}

{The scene opens again}

KIRBYCHU HR'D: I mean the gays, by the way. Just so we're clear.

X ON FIRE: {off-screen} Hey!

{wink smile close}

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