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Revision as of 04:24, 3 May 2011

Episode 1

Dear friends - the spring is upon us again. The time of healing, new future, and hope. At a time like this, my heart fills with yearning for something intangible - perhaps just for a simpler life, perhaps something else. It must be all the green plants growing, the little buzzing insects and the song of birds that make my mind so sensitive to things I would never think of at any other time of the year. As for simplicity - I was just outside today, watering and weeding my prize begonias. My wife and my son-in-law watched me toil away, carrying the water, kneeling to pull out the weeds. I let them watch. After all, they are the ones who support me now that I have been convicted for breaking and entering Elton John's mansion in Georgia. It's appalling, isn't it? He does not even live there - he hardly visits the place! And the piano I smashed can be replaced easily. And besides, it wasn't as though I took anything of importance; just the flamboyant sunglasses he wore when he performed at Carnegie Hall.

When I was deep in these thoughts, my son-in-law made a few remarks about the glasses - I was wearing them against the piercing sunshine - and I answered him good-naturedly enough... but then, all of a sudden, something occurred to me. Why do some people take possessions so seriously? I can understand why Elton John would price sunglasses over family - I am in no way an uptight man - but we see the same behaviour in perfectly ordinary people! Everyone I know worries more about the money they make rather than the friends they have. But not I. I learned after the theft of these sunglasses that only my family matters to me, not the charges that are pending in the court system. Do any of my so-called friends even remember the time when hippies practically forced us to wear sunglasses all the time? I bet they don't! Always remember - you are lucky if you can decide when to wear your glasses. For myself, I am content to wear them when doing my gardening - not after dark. And despite all the little differences I may be having with my son-in law, he agrees with me on this.

Episode 2

Greetings, my dear beloved friends! Summer is here again to bring joy into our hearts and souls. It is the time of warm and star-studded nights, bright, fulfilling relationships, agreeable weather - and an overwhelming abundance of growth in the family garden this year! I pass row after row of ripening vegetables: zucchinis, carrots, cucumbers - all succulent, nipping at the sunlight in a state of simple bliss. I hear my wife hustle and bustle in the kitchen, preparing some homemade biscuits for tonight's supper, and I must gather some fresh herbs for the evening's festivities. As I pluck a few leaves of basil I contemplate my terms of endearment. It is always joyous to meet with one's family, but this time there will also be solemn discussions.

Going back to the house, I pause for a moment to watch the children frolic in the nearby playground. Their innocent laughter is like a healing salve on the wounds I have received during my long life. Those children are not yet aware of what life can be like - a bit the same way I wasn't aware that the girl I met in my shed last Tuesday night was sort of underage, and kind of related to me. It was dark and all, and she did not exactly tell me that she was the offspring of my wife's daughter. Don't take me wrong, though: my wife has been married before and the daughter she has is not mine. But I do not blame her for that; I mean, I'm not fussy that way. And the young girl certainly was as eager to her purpose as I am now.

I pause again at the front door. My son-in-law should be arriving shortly. I have a feeling I know exactly what he is going to tell me; how he considers pressing charges against me. After that, he will probably go all magnanimous on me, saying that he will let this time pass, seeing how I'm his kin, in a way. I also know how my wife feels about all this, and there's nothing I can do to help her reaction. I guess I will just have to ride out the storm, the way I always do.

Some of us seem to have more than our share of problems. Some of us have more urgent needs than others, while others may wield a mean character, sharp tongue, or a swift kitchen knife. I will watch out when I walk in through that door, my friends.

Episode 3

Hello, my dearest friends and family. Before talking about anything else, I will need to inform you that my husband is on a sabbatical; and so it has become my responsibility to continue this column during his absence, despite my acute tinge of loneliness. "But why a sabbatical, why just now?" you ask. "He was such a brilliant writer and all! Why?"

Well, my friends, let me put it this way: he was slightly too active for his years in certain areas, and there were some federal problems with the local bureaucrats or something like that, I don't actually know all of the details, as that was always my husband's responsibility. I'm not supposed to take up all my husbands responsibilities, am I now? I mean - it would be asking too much if I had to do all the things he usually does in the shed, wouldn't it?

I don't know how many of you readers out there even care to know what loneliness is about. Due to my husband's rather eccentric tendencies, loneliness and I have become well acquainted over the years. Fondly, I anticipate my own approaching rendezvous with loneliness in my beloved husband's absence. Times I have come to look forward to. I find it is during these precious bouts of solitude that I gain a deeper understanding of myself and my needs as a woman. Needs I feel that I must thoroughly express to you now.

You see, loneliness has opened me up to so many new experiences. Borne of necessity, driven by certain longings and desires that I have been unaware of for so long, I have found myself

Episode 4

... And, my friends, let us be honest about it: if something slightly untoward should appear to have happened during one of these lonely periods of my life, I should only be seen as the victim of circumstances. After all, that is what my husband has been trying to reduce me to. Remember this sentiment when you search for words for your letters to me.