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From Whickerpedia

How to put up an IKEA "Billy" bookcase:

1. Take protective wrapping off (this is a very common mistake).
2. Kick it to show it who's boss.
3. Throw instruction manual in bin and log onto this site.
4. Stand the side pieces upright against a wall.
5. Failing that get someone else to hold them up for you.
6. Get pissed off and kick the idiotic person helping you for not holding it straight.
7. Put the metal cross piece on the back with the help of person no. 3.
8. Screw it and give up.
9. Come back in half an hour, after a hot cup of tea/whisky.
10. Put the dinky metal pieces in the badly drilled holes.
11. Rest shelves on them and give a good hard wallop (for good measure, hit person no. 2/3's thumb/protruding appendages).
12. Throw spare items in the loft.
13. Step on person 3s feet in the process.
14. Put books on shelf.
15. Never read them again. Ever.

Et voilà! Now crack open the champagne, and celebrate!