Laser

From Uncyclopedia 2

This is the article on lasers, meaning those shiny beam thingies that go PEW PEW PEW! If you were looking for a laser meaning a small boat, see Boat.

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“The coolest word in the dictionary.”

~ {{#ifexist:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde}} {{#if:Lazer|on Lazer}}

“Prepare to feel my mighty gaze... as I melt you... with my laser eyes!!!”

~ {{#ifexist:Shaq|Shaq|Shaq}} {{#if:lasers|on lasers}}

“IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER.. BLARRGGGHHH*cough* *cough* Pardon me.”

~ {{#ifexist: That guy who wants to know how to shoop woop| That guy who wants to know how to shoop woop| That guy who wants to know how to shoop woop}} {{#if:|on {{{3}}}}}

A laser is a nifty futuristic gadget that also doubles as an acronym: "Light Amplification by Zimulated Emission of something beginning with R", but due to a common misconception, it is often pronounced laser, not LAZER, which is gramatically correct. It can also mean "look at source, erase retina". A laser can also be used in cooking because it is a rare spice only found in afganistan and gives all food a shoop-ish quality and is the most likly cause of the iraqe war.

Contents 1 History of Lasers 2 How a Laser works 3 Laser safety 4 Chargin' Mah Laser! 5 The Moral Implications of Lasers 6 Uses for Lasers 7 Toothpaste Lasers 8 Eye lasers 9 See Also

History of Lasers

The laser was invented by Thomas Edison in 20X6, based on the fundamental principles of two of his earlier inventions, the phonograph and the electric eel. Within a few weeks, Edison demonstrated his new invention to the world by systematically vaporizing Atlantis and holding ransom the rest of the world for $1,000,000. He was stopped by Nikola Tesla's pirated laser technology, which was superior on account of having access to magical Russian energy of life. He would later invent the alternating current which Edison knew would make Tesla even more powerful so he tried to defeat him with his more sucky direct current.

How a Laser works

First, a beam of light originating in the 27th century is concentrated to the point where it ruptures the space-time continuum. This causes the laser beam to travel backwards in time by approximately 650 (sometimes 651) years, where it intersects a 21st century bowl of transparent strawberry Jell-O^TM brand gelatin dessert, which is conveniently mounted within a lead-lined box with a complicated set of interchangeable lenses and various paraphernalia that collectively make the whole contraption look pretty darn intimidating. Thereby, a chain of atomic army ants moving at the speed of light emerge, devouring anything in their path. It is considered dangerous to be in their way, although DARPA is currently researching a laser-proof defense system based on advanced anteater technology and a glue gun. (For more information on anti-laser defense, please contact the American Red Cross.)

Laser safety

Just like an erect penis, never stare directly into a laser beam, unless it's absolutely necessary.

Should you accidentally look into a laser beam, the universal sign of being lasered is to shout "ARRGH!! MY EYES! MY EYES! ZE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!", in an Austrian accent, while your eyes asplode from the superheated steam. Those who do put their eye out are advised to not look into the beam with their remaining eye. With one eye out, you can have a wicked cool eye patch. Two eye patches just make you look stupid.

In some cultures it is a widely accepted myth that lasers will only harm your enemies, and not hurt anyone considered a friend of the wielder. This proves to be a costly mistake, often ending in injury, social disaster, death, male lactation , liquidy stools (the urgent need to have them and the inability to control them), or horribly crooked teeth, depending on the setting and manufacturer of the laser. This has prompted the United Nations to promote and fund laser safety classes in several countries, and to fund propaganda and laser usage in other countries they consider "screwed anyway".

It is also common safety practice to say or yell, "PEWPEWPEW" while using a laser device of any kind. This prevents blindness and excessive hair growth at body extremities. If "PEWPEWPEW" is unavailable, acceptable substitutes include "Kittensgomewmewmew" and "Pigeonssaycoocoocoo", or the ever popular, "Cowssaymoomoomoo." These substitutions are considered inferior as prophylactic agents.

Chargin' Mah Laser!

If you are charging your laser, it is considered common courtesy and safety procedure (as above) to state in a firm and loud voice "IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" then shout "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!" in an even louder voice. Having an accomplice simultaneously shout "SHOOP DA WHOOP" in an equally loud voice can further increase the effectiveness of the warning. Proper pronunciation is discouraged, however. Not all lazers come with charging features, so it may be a good idea to either have an expert examine your laser, or to illegally modify it so that it can not only charge, but also have a wider beam, a brighter intensity, shoot through walls, shoot through enemies, and fire from more than one location at a time. Side effects may include blackface, mental retardation, and Dragonball Wannabe Syndrome(DWS). Also beware singin Shoop da Whoop cannons. They really hurt. Trust us.

The Moral Implications of Lasers

Most ethicists agree that lasers are pure evil. This may not seem immediately obvious to most onlookers, as lasers appear quite innocent, much like a cute little bunny or Michael Jackson from the 70's does. The awful truth concerning the evilness of lasers was not revealed until 2046, when a man accidentally burned off his face while using a razor-powered Gilette lazer, which later inspired the Michael Jackson from 1997 to do the same to his own face. This temporal paradox involving completely unrelated pop musicians from the distant past created yet another hole in the space-time continuum into which fell Konami, trapping them inside a cramped subspace bubble for all eternity. This bubble was popped by someone standing too close, therefore allowing Konami to make Dead Rising.

This unfortunate series of events has prompted the formation of several anti-laser movements, including Mothers Against Harmful Lasers, or more accurately, MAHLASER. This has led to dissidents with the MAHLASER group to come up with the slogan "Charge MAHLASER" as a method of making MAHLASER back down through legal channels. Less common are those who take the slogan literally, and actually charge down members of MAHLASER on horseback, wielding fearsome lazers, lances, and laser-guided lances.

Laser usage is also related to kitten huffing. Often, "hardcore" huffers will use lasers to enhance the huffing "experience", unaware of the consequences. In rare cases, huffing addicts may decide to toss the kitten aside and switch entirely to lasers. Side effects of laser huffing often include coughing, sore throat, nausea, baby birth through anus, instantaneous blindness, psychosis, coma, slight nasal discharge, and death.

It is a common urban myth that the looking directly into a laser causes enlightenment on the subject. This is believed to be the reason that religions such as the Catholic Church and many Islamic states have decided to ban this practice worldwide.

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Uses for Lasers

Lasers are widely used in everyday products like cinema projectors, cigarette lighters, can openers, toilet bowls, and Pez dispensers. Within the field of medicine, pioneering research by Dr. Alphonse Bertini has used lasers to restore hearing to the blind, and sight to the deaf. Lasers are also used to manufacture soap on occasion, although here they are much less effective than the safe and sanitary lye normally used.

Also when in need of defence cornered in an alley way by some thugs, they can point their index finger at them and hold up their thumb to make an improvised lazer gun and shout and screech "PEW PEW PEEEEEEEEEE-UUUWWWWWW!!!!" and this will most likely scare off one's enemy(s).

Another form of lasers is "Laser Eyes"

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Toothpaste Lasers

Toothpaste Lasers were discovered in 9991 C.B. by Dr. Hootington. They differ from normal lasers in that they do not come out of a camera lens, but rather, a can of shaving cream. This change causes them to focus more on sound than your normal laser. If you hear a drilling noise, this is a sure sign of a toothpaste laser. They also resemble the stripes of the Italian flag(or in some cases, a candy cane) when fired. Toothpaste lasers are not recommended for use on the genitals without first applying shaving cream to them, as geniticular viagris and liquidating of the testicles may occur.

Eye lasers

Eye lasers, also known as Eye beams, are becoming increasing common. A laser is fitted into the eye, the controls placed into the brain and the lasers can be activated at will.

The most famous indecent involving lasers was during a Scientology Documentary, the presenter got so angry that his Eye lasers set off, killing a bystander.

See Also

• Phaser
• Blaster
• Laser-Faire Economics
• Laser feet
• Spectroscopy
• Laser Cannons
• Explosionsde:Laser

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