Homeless Ron/Barry Gives Away John's Stuff

From Ucbgwinn600

HOMELESS RON SKETCH / SAINT JOHN GIVING AWAY BARRY'S STUFF

ROOMMATE
Dude, not to be critical or anything, but ... I had some leftover kung pao chicken in the fridge, and it seems to have absconded.

PRIEST
Yes, my son, I did find your kung pao chicken, and by God’s light, I gave it to the poor. You’re not angry, are you?

ROOMMATE
No ... no. When you answered my ad for a roommate on Craig’s List, you said you were a priest, and I knew that would be a little different. Besides, I’m Catholic. I can’t get mad at a priest.

PRIEST
I understand. And don’t worry about the food. As it says in the Bible, “All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.”

ROOMMATE
That’s from “Bladerunner.”

HOMELESS RON ENTERS

HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.

ROOMMATE
Who are you?!

PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your Kung Pao chicken. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is er was homeless.

ROOMMATE
Was he crashing in my bed? What’s wrong with your bed?

PRIEST
You sound angry.

ROOMMATE
I’m not mad. I didn’t say I was mad.

HOMELESS RON
Hey ... uh ... is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?

PRIEST
Sure, use my roommate’s shower.

HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.

ROOMMATE
Why not your shower?

PRIEST
Because, blessed be, there’s already a leper in your shower, and they’re friends.

ROOMMATE
Uh huh. ... Did he just say something about blood?

LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.

LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.

PRIEST
Of course! He has no problem with it.

ROOMMATE
Have we met?

PRIEST
This is Skanky Linda. She has sex for money. Therefore we must treat her like the blessed Mary Magdalene.

ROOMMATE
Yeah, uh ... we open our home to you.

LINDA
I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?

ROOMMATE
No thanks, I’m ... kind of seeing someone?

LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
Then I’m taking him into the shower with Homeless Ron.

LINDA EXITS

ROOMMATE
OK. ... I’m still not mad. But I’m wondering if we could talk in a general way about boundaries.

PRIEST
Relax, relax. Doesn’t it say in the Bible that “Life is like a box of chocolates”?

ROOMMATE
No!

THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.

GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ... uh ... I accidentally ate your yogurt.

ROOMMATE
Dude! I wrote my name on that!

BLACKOUT