Homeless Ron/Barry Gives Away John's Stuff

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		+	HOMLESS RON SKETCH/GIVING AWAY BARRY'S STUFF
-	HOMLESS RON SKETCH/GIVING AWAY JOHN'S STUFF	+	ROOMMATE<br>
		+	Dude, not to be critical or anything, but ... I had some leftover kung pao chicken in the fridge, and it seems to have absconded.
-	BARRY	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Conversi ad Dominum Deum Patrem ...	+	Yes, my son, I did find your kung pao chicken, and by God’s light, I gave it to the poor. You’re not mad, are you?
-	JOHN ENTERS	+	ROOMMATE<br>
		+	No ... no. When you answered my ad for a roommate on Craig’s List, you said you were a priest, and I knew that would be a little different. Besides, I’m Catholic. I can’t get mad at a priest.
-	BARRY	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Hey, Dad. … omnipotentem, puro corde ei, quantum ...	+	I understand. And don’t worry about the food. As it says in the Bible, “All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.”
-	JOHN	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	Barry, we’ve got to talk. Stuff has been disappearing all over the house.	+	That’s from “Bladerunner.”
-	BARRY	+	HOMELESS RON ENTERS
-	Well, Dad, you always said God causes everything.	+
-	JOHN	+	HOMELESS RON<br>
-	Look, I had leftover kung pao chicken in the refrigerator. Now it’s gone.	+	Mornin’, everybody.
-	BARRY	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	It’s not gone. I gave it away … to some guy.	+	Who are you?!
-	JOHN	+	PRIEST<br>
-	You gave it away?!	+	It’s the blessed recipient of your Kung Pao chicken. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he’s homeless.
-	BARRY	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	I’m studying to be a priest, just like you wanted. That’s what priests do.	+	Was he crashing in my bed? What’s wrong with your bed?
-	JOHN	+	PRIEST<br>
-	But what does being a priest have to do with you giving my lunch to some anonymous street person?	+	You sound mad.
-	BARRY	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	Homeless Ron isn’t anonymous. As the Bible says, “What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.” Also, he’s crashing on your bed.	+	I’m not mad. I didn’t say I was mad.
-	JOHN	+	HOMELESS RON<br>
-	My bed?! Why not your bed?	+	Hey ... uh ... is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?
-	BARRY	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Yours is bigger.	+	Sure, use my roommate’s shower.
-	JOHN	+	HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.
-	They’re identical beds from the Ikea Golden Sleep series!	+
-	HOMELESS RON ENTERS.	+	ROOMMATE<br>
		+	Why not your shower?
-	BARRY	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Homeless Ron! Meet your gracious host.	+	Because there’s already another guy in your shower, and they’re friends.
-	BARRY HUGS RON. RON HUGS JOHN, WHO RECOILS FROM THE SMELL.	+	ROOMMATE<br>
		+	Uh huh. ... Did he just say something about blood?
-	HOMELESS RON	+	LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.
-	[WHILE STILL HUGGING JOHN] Sorry, Dude. Guess I reek!  Can I use a shower?	+
-	BARRY	+	LINDA<br>
-	Use Dad’s shower. It has nicer towels.	+	Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.
-	JOHN	+	PRIEST<br>
-	We use identical towels from Kmart's Martha Stewart collection!	+	Of course! He has no problem with it.
-	HOMELESS RON	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	Martha Stewart? She sells a quality product, dude.	+	Have we met?
-	JOHN	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Oh, you can’t overestimate the importance of a high thread count.	+	This is Linda. She has sex for money. Therefore we must treat her like the blessed Mary Magdalene.
-	HOMELESS RON	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	Or seasonal patterns! [HUGS JOHN AGAIN] It’s too bad we’re not in prison, man. I could get a lot of cigarettes for you.	+	Yeah, uh ... we open our home to you.
-	HOMELESS RON HEADS FOR THE SHOWER. JOHN BREAKS AWAY AND HEADS FOR CABINET.	+	LINDA<br>
		+	I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?
-	BARRY	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	Well, as the Bible says, “Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.”	+	No thanks, I’m ... kind of seeing someone?
-	JOHN	+	LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]<br>
-	I’ve got to fumigate myself. I need a couple thousand milligrams of C and a prophylactic dose of penicillin. … This bottle is half empty. I thought I just got a refill of the penicillin.	+	Then I’m taking him into the shower with Homeless Ron.
-	BARRY	+	LINDA EXITS
-	Oh, you did. And THANK you, by the way. I found a leper!	+
-	JOHN	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	You gave my medicine to some nameless, street person?	+	OK. ... I’m still not mad. But I’m wondering if we could talk in a general way about boundaries.
-	BARRY	+	PRIEST<br>
-	Well first of all, he’s not on the street anymore.	+	Relax, relax. Doesn’t it say in the Bible that “Life is like a box of chocolates”?
-	JOHN	+	ROOMMATE<br>
-	You're not going to tell me he's in my bed?	+	No!
-	LEPER ENTERS.	+	THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.
-	BARRY	+	GOD<br>
-	Nope, he’s up.  Leper Joe! [HUGS HIM] This is my Dad!	+	This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ... uh ... I accidentally ate your yogurt.
-	[LEPER HUGS JOHN.  JOHN PANTOMIMES HORROR CROUCHING AND FLATTING HIS HANDS.]	+	ROOMMATE<br>
		+	Dude! I wrote my name on that!
-	LEPER [POINTING TO JOHN WHO IS STILL REACTING]	+	BLACKOUT
-	When the man is right, the man is right!  Shower?	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Well … there’s another guy in there. But what the hell. ... [LEPER JOE HEADS TO SHOWER] Later, I can bathe your feet. Or my Dad can do it. He’s lower to the ground.	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	Look, Barry. I know your mother’s dying wish was for you to be a priest. But I can’t live like this.	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Well, as it says in the Bible, “Fight it with all that is in us, and may God defend the right.”	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	That’s not from the Bible. That’s from “Mrs. Miniver.”	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Really? [STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE BIBLE]	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	Linda is coming over, and we’re going to Macy’s to choose our wedding registry. What’s she going to think when she sees this?	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Oh, she’s been here for an hour, and she’s fine with it.	+
-		+
-	LINDA ENTERS WITH ANOTHER VAGRANT – MOUTH-SORE CLARENCE.	+
-		+
-	LINDA	+
-	Hi, John this is Mouth-Sore Clarence. Mouth-Sore Clarence my ex [POINTS TO JOHN] Guess what. Mouth-Sore Clarence and I are betrothed.	+
-		+
-	CLARENCE	+
-	[TO BARRY] Hey, man. We was getting freaky when the leper took off.	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	My God, I can smell the stink of sex on you two even over his B.O.!	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Well, the shower is right in there. You already know Homeless Ron and Leper Joe from the bedroom.	+
-		+
-	THEY EXIT TO THE SHOWER.	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	That’s it. You’re not religious. You’re selfish. You and your lot of losers are out of this house!	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Dad, come on. Doesn’t the Bible say that “life is like a box of chocolates”?	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	No it doesn’t!	+
-		+
-	THUNDERBOLTS. LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF. A LIGHT BEAMS FROM THE BEDROOM DOOR. A HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS.	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	Oh my God! [KNEELS AND CROSSES HIMSELF]	+
-		+
-	GOD [A BOOMING VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE, FROM OVER THE MIKE]	+
-	This is the Lord of Hosts. The King of Kings. The Alpha and the Omega.	+
-		+
-	BARRY	+
-	Yes, Lord. What whilst thou have of me?	+
-		+
-	GOD	+
-	Jesus! Am I hung over! Any of the Kung Pao chicken left?	+
-		+
-	JOHN	+
-	Oh, Lord, bath me of my iniquities!	+
-		+
-	GOD	+
-	[SNIFF] You’re right. I stink. Shower first.	+
-		+
-	LIGHT AND CHOIR COME FROM BATHROOM.	+
-		+
-	BLACK OUT.	+

---

Revision as of 14:18, 18 March 2006

HOMLESS RON SKETCH/GIVING AWAY BARRY'S STUFF

ROOMMATE
Dude, not to be critical or anything, but ... I had some leftover kung pao chicken in the fridge, and it seems to have absconded.

PRIEST
Yes, my son, I did find your kung pao chicken, and by God’s light, I gave it to the poor. You’re not mad, are you?

ROOMMATE
No ... no. When you answered my ad for a roommate on Craig’s List, you said you were a priest, and I knew that would be a little different. Besides, I’m Catholic. I can’t get mad at a priest.

PRIEST
I understand. And don’t worry about the food. As it says in the Bible, “All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.”

ROOMMATE
That’s from “Bladerunner.”

HOMELESS RON ENTERS

HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.

ROOMMATE
Who are you?!

PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your Kung Pao chicken. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he’s homeless.

ROOMMATE
Was he crashing in my bed? What’s wrong with your bed?

PRIEST
You sound mad.

ROOMMATE
I’m not mad. I didn’t say I was mad.

HOMELESS RON
Hey ... uh ... is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?

PRIEST
Sure, use my roommate’s shower.

HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.

ROOMMATE
Why not your shower?

PRIEST
Because there’s already another guy in your shower, and they’re friends.

ROOMMATE
Uh huh. ... Did he just say something about blood?

LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.

LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.

PRIEST
Of course! He has no problem with it.

ROOMMATE
Have we met?

PRIEST
This is Linda. She has sex for money. Therefore we must treat her like the blessed Mary Magdalene.

ROOMMATE
Yeah, uh ... we open our home to you.

LINDA
I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?

ROOMMATE
No thanks, I’m ... kind of seeing someone?

LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
Then I’m taking him into the shower with Homeless Ron.

LINDA EXITS

ROOMMATE
OK. ... I’m still not mad. But I’m wondering if we could talk in a general way about boundaries.

PRIEST
Relax, relax. Doesn’t it say in the Bible that “Life is like a box of chocolates”?

ROOMMATE
No!

THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.

GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ... uh ... I accidentally ate your yogurt.

ROOMMATE
Dude! I wrote my name on that!

BLACKOUT