Homeless Ron/Barry Gives Away John's Stuff
From Ucbgwinn600
Revision as of 05:15, 10 March 2006
HOMLESS RON SKETCH/GIVING AWAY JOHN'S STUFF
BARRY Conversi ad Dominum Deum Patrem ...
JOHN ENTERS
BARRY Hey, Dad. … omnipotentem, puro corde ei, quantum ...
JOHN Barry, we’ve got to talk. Stuff has been disappearing all over the house.
BARRY Well, Dad, you always said God causes everything.
JOHN Look, I had leftover kung pao chicken in the refrigerator. Now it’s gone.
BARRY It’s not gone. I gave it away … to some guy.
JOHN You gave it away?!
BARRY I’m studying to be a priest, just like you wanted. That’s what priests do.
JOHN But what does being a priest have to do with you giving my lunch to some anonymous street person?
BARRY Homeless Ron isn’t anonymous. As the Bible says, “What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.” Also, he’s crashing on your bed.
JOHN My bed?! Why not your bed?
BARRY Yours is bigger.
JOHN They’re identical beds from the Ikea Golden Sleep series!
HOMELESS RON ENTERS.
BARRY Homeless Ron! Meet your gracious host.
BARRY HUGS RON. RON HUGS JOHN, WHO RECOILS FROM THE SMELL.
HOMELESS RON [WHILE STILL HUGGING JOHN] Sorry, Dude. Guess I reek! Can I use a shower?
BARRY Use Dad’s shower. It has nicer towels.
JOHN We use identical towels from Kmart's Martha Stewart collection!
HOMELESS RON Martha Stewart? She sells a quality product, dude.
JOHN Oh, you can’t overestimate the importance of a high thread count.
HOMELESS RON Or seasonal patterns! [HUGS JOHN AGAIN] It’s too bad we’re not in prison, man. I could get a lot of cigarettes for you.
HOMELESS RON HEADS FOR THE SHOWER. JOHN BREAKS AWAY AND HEADS FOR CABINET.
BARRY Well, as the Bible says, “Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.”
JOHN I’ve got to fumigate myself. I need a couple thousand milligrams of C and a prophylactic dose of penicillin. … This bottle is half empty. I thought I just got a refill of the penicillin.
BARRY Oh, you did. And THANK you, by the way. I found a leper!
JOHN You gave my medicine to some nameless, street person?
BARRY Well first of all, he’s not on the street anymore.
JOHN You're not going to tell me he's in my bed?
LEPER ENTERS.
BARRY Nope, he’s up. Leper Joe! [HUGS HIM] This is my Dad!
[LEPER HUGS JOHN. JOHN PANTOMIMES HORROR CROUCHING AND FLATTING HIS HANDS.]
LEPER [POINTING TO JOHN WHO IS STILL REACTING] When the man is right, the man is right! Shower?
BARRY Well … there’s another guy in there. But what the hell. ... [LEPER JOE HEADS TO SHOWER] Later, I can bathe your feet. Or my Dad can do it. He’s lower to the ground.
JOHN Look, Barry. I know your mother’s dying wish was for you to be a priest. But I can’t live like this.
BARRY Well, as it says in the Bible, “Fight it with all that is in us, and may God defend the right.”
JOHN That’s not from the Bible. That’s from “Mrs. Miniver.”
BARRY Really? [STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE BIBLE]
JOHN Linda is coming over, and we’re going to Macy’s to choose our wedding registry. What’s she going to think when she sees this?
BARRY Oh, she’s been here for an hour, and she’s fine with it.
LINDA ENTERS WITH ANOTHER VAGRANT – MOUTH-SORE CLARENCE.
LINDA Hi, John this is Mouth-Sore Clarence. Mouth-Sore Clarence my ex [POINTS TO JOHN] Guess what. Mouth-Sore Clarence and I are betrothed.
CLARENCE [TO BARRY] Hey, man. We was getting freaky when the leper took off.
JOHN My God, I can smell the stink of sex on you two even over his B.O.!
BARRY Well, the shower is right in there. You already know Homeless Ron and Leper Joe from the bedroom.
THEY EXIT TO THE SHOWER.
JOHN That’s it. You’re not religious. You’re selfish. You and your lot of losers are out of this house!
BARRY Dad, come on. Doesn’t the Bible say that “life is like a box of chocolates”?
JOHN No it doesn’t!
THUNDERBOLTS. LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF. A LIGHT BEAMS FROM THE BEDROOM DOOR. A HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS.
JOHN Oh my God! [KNEELS AND CROSSES HIMSELF]
GOD [A BOOMING VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE, FROM OVER THE MIKE] This is the Lord of Hosts. The King of Kings. The Alpha and the Omega.
BARRY Yes, Lord. What whilst thou have of me?
GOD Jesus! Am I hung over! Any of the Kung Pao chicken left?
JOHN Oh, Lord, bath me of my iniquities!
GOD [SNIFF] You’re right. I stink. Shower first.
LIGHT AND CHOIR COME FROM BATHROOM.
BLACK OUT.
