Generous Roommate

From Ucbgwinn600

Revision as of 15:18, 30 March 2006

ROOMMATE PRIEST

ROOMMATE
OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone.

PRIEST
Yes, my son, providence didst lead me even unto your Dannon Spring Berry yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I didst render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. You would be justified in chastising me. You might even rend my sullied flesh with thine own hands.

ROOMMATE
No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine.

PRIEST
Don't refuse your rightous anger. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger."

ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

HOMELESS RON ENTERS

HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.

ROOMMATE
Who is this?

PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your Dannon Spring Berry yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.

ROOMMATE
What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?!

PRIEST
Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self!

ROOMMATE
I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.

PRIEST
Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, "That serenity now stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow."

ROOMMATE
That’s from “Seinfeld.”

HOMELESS RON
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?

PRIEST
Certainly, use Roommate Barry's shower.

HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.

LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.

ROOMMATE
Huh? What? He said something about blood.

LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.

PRIEST
This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless that upsets Roommate Barry.

ROOMMATE
[TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.

PRIEST
I can hear the anger hiding behind your clenched teeth. Why don't you release that anger and bite me. Grind my flesh in your teeth of justice. Allow your jaws to punish me!

ROOMMATE
No!

LINDA
Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?

ROOMMATE
What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?

PRIEST
Do it! Rebuke the Mary Magdalene! At last. Sweet release! Oh, let it flow!

ROOMMATE
I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries!

PRIEST
But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?

ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.

LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.

LINDA EXITS

ROOMMATE
Look ... again, this is not a rebuke. I can handle the homeless guy and the hooker selling her baby. But I’m starting to think you’re not even a priest.

PRIEST
Did Jesus not say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?

ROOMMATE
No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really in the church, then there is no God.

THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.

GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .

ROOMMATE
[DISGUSTED] Oh my God!

GOD
Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.

BLACKOUT