Generous Roommate
From Ucbgwinn600
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ROOMMATE PRIEST | ROOMMATE PRIEST | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE<br> |
OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone. | OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone. | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST<br> |
Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. Please ... chastise me. Rend my flesh. | Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. Please ... chastise me. Rend my flesh. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE<br> |
No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine. | No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine. | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
Don’t keep it bottled up. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger." | Don’t keep it bottled up. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger." | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. | That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. | ||
HOMELESS RON ENTERS | HOMELESS RON ENTERS | ||
| - | HOMELESS RON | + | HOMELESS RON <br> |
Mornin’, everybody. | Mornin’, everybody. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
Who is this? | Who is this? | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
It’s the blessed recipient of your yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless. | It’s the blessed recipient of your yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?! | What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?! | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self! | Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self! | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that. | I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that. | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST<br> |
Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, “Serenity now.” | Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, “Serenity now.” | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE<br> |
That’s from “Seinfeld.” | That’s from “Seinfeld.” | ||
| - | HOMELESS RON | + | HOMELESS RON<br> |
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood? | Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood? | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
Certainly, use my roommate’s shower. | Certainly, use my roommate’s shower. | ||
| Line 53: | Line 52: | ||
LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY. | LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
Huh? What? He said something about blood. | Huh? What? He said something about blood. | ||
| - | LINDA | + | LINDA <br> |
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool. | Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool. | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry. | This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
[TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you. | [TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you. | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST<br> |
Are you sure you don’t want to rebuke me? | Are you sure you don’t want to rebuke me? | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE<br> |
Yes. | Yes. | ||
| - | LINDA | + | LINDA <br> |
Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby? | Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby? | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
What?! What the fuck is wrong with you? | What?! What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
Sounds like you need to rebuke. You’ll feel better if you just call me names while I take off my pants in the front window. | Sounds like you need to rebuke. You’ll feel better if you just call me names while I take off my pants in the front window. | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries! | I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries! | ||
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”? | But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”? | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from. | That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from. | ||
| - | LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE] | + | LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE] <br> |
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron. | I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron. | ||
LINDA EXITS | LINDA EXITS | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
| - | Look ... again, this is not a rebuke | + | Look ... again, this is not a rebuke. I can handle the homeless guy and the hooker selling her baby. But I’m starting to think you’re not even a priest. |
| - | PRIEST | + | PRIEST <br> |
Well, doesn’t the Bible say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”? | Well, doesn’t the Bible say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”? | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE <br> |
| - | No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really | + | No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really in the church, then there is no God. |
THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF. | THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF. | ||
| - | GOD | + | GOD <br> |
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... . | This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... . | ||
| - | ROOMMATE | + | ROOMMATE<br> |
[DISGUSTED] Oh my God! | [DISGUSTED] Oh my God! | ||
| - | GOD | + | GOD <br> |
Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it. | Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it. | ||
BLACKOUT | BLACKOUT | ||
Revision as of 04:48, 30 March 2006
ROOMMATE PRIEST
ROOMMATE
OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone.
PRIEST
Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. Please ... chastise me. Rend my flesh.
ROOMMATE
No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine.
PRIEST
Don’t keep it bottled up. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger."
ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
HOMELESS RON ENTERS
HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.
ROOMMATE
Who is this?
PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.
ROOMMATE
What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?!
PRIEST
Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self!
ROOMMATE
I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.
PRIEST
Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, “Serenity now.”
ROOMMATE
That’s from “Seinfeld.”
HOMELESS RON
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?
PRIEST
Certainly, use my roommate’s shower.
HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.
LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.
ROOMMATE
Huh? What? He said something about blood.
LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.
PRIEST
This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry.
ROOMMATE
[TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.
PRIEST
Are you sure you don’t want to rebuke me?
ROOMMATE
Yes.
LINDA
Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?
ROOMMATE
What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?
PRIEST
Sounds like you need to rebuke. You’ll feel better if you just call me names while I take off my pants in the front window.
ROOMMATE
I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries!
PRIEST
But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?
ROOMMATE
That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.
LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.
LINDA EXITS
ROOMMATE
Look ... again, this is not a rebuke. I can handle the homeless guy and the hooker selling her baby. But I’m starting to think you’re not even a priest.
PRIEST
Well, doesn’t the Bible say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?
ROOMMATE
No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really in the church, then there is no God.
THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.
GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .
ROOMMATE
[DISGUSTED] Oh my God!
GOD
Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.
BLACKOUT
