Generous Roommate

From Ucbgwinn600

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The Generous Roommate
 
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE PRIEST
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Dude, not to be critical or anything, but ... I had some leftover kung pao chicken in the fridge, and it’s gone.
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PRIEST<br>
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ROOMMATE
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Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your kung pao chicken, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry – every right to chastise me and rend my flesh.
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OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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PRIEST
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I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this.  Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s Chinese leftovers. It’s fine.
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Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. Please ... chastise me. Rend my flesh.  
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PRIEST<br>
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ROOMMATE
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As blessed one said, "That's denial. That comes before anger." Don’t keep it bottled up. Rebuke me for the sake of your peace of mind.
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No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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PRIEST
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Dude, did you just refer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer as "the Blessed one"?
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Don’t keep it bottled up. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger."  
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PRIEST<br>
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ROOMMATE
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Well ... as it says in the Bible, “All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.”
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That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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Dude. That’s from “Bladerunner.”
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HOMELESS RON ENTERS  
HOMELESS RON ENTERS  
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HOMELESS RON<br>
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HOMELESS RON  
Mornin’, everybody.  
Mornin’, everybody.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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Who is this?
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Who is this?  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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It’s the blessed recipient of your Kung Pao chicken. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.  
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It’s the blessed recipient of your yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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Was he just in my bed? Why not your bed?  
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What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?!
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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Is it not written, "It's not about anger - it's about peace. It's not about power - it's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy - it's about knowing yourself." You should chastise God’s servant. If only to better better know thine own self!.
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Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self!
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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Whoa, "power ... grace ... enemy ... self" ...that was from the Bulletproof Monk ... But really, I’m not mad at God’s servant. And stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.
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I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.  
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HOMELESS RON<br>
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PRIEST
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Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, “Serenity now.”
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ROOMMATE
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That’s from “Seinfeld.”
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HOMELESS RON  
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?  
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
Certainly, use my roommate’s shower.  
Certainly, use my roommate’s shower.  
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HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.  
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HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.
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ROOMMATE<br>
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LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.
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Huh? What? He said something about blood.
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PRIEST<br>
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ROOMMATE
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Calm down. Be at ease, my son. For, did our Lord not say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?  
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Huh? What? He said something about blood.
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ROOMMATE<br>
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LINDA  
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No! That’s from Forest Gump! Look, that guy had blood on his hands.
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PRIEST<br>
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Take out your anger about that on me, my son. For surely, "That "serenity now" stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow."
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ROOMMATE<br>
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I’m not angry, I ... wasn't that from the episode of Seinfeld we saw last night? ... I just ... what?
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LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.
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LINDA<br>
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Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.  
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monitary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry.
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This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry.  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.  
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[TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST
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"Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?"
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Are you sure you don’t want to rebuke me?
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE
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Scrubs?
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Yes.
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LINDA<br>
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LINDA  
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I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?  
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Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?
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What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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Yeah! Do it! Rebuke the Mary Magdalene!  Sweet release!  Let it flow!
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Sounds like you need to rebuke. You’ll feel better if you just call me names while I take off my pants in the front window.
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?
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I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries!
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?
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But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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No, that’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.
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That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.  
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LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]<br>
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LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]  
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.  
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.  
LINDA EXITS  
LINDA EXITS  
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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Look ... again, this is not a rebuke, but I’m starting to think you’re not really a priest.
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Look ... again, this is not a rebuke, but I’m starting to think you’re not really a priest.  
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PRIEST<br>
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PRIEST  
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Well, as it says in the Bible, “There are only two things on my mind - Tits!”
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Well, doesn’t the Bible say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?
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ROOMMATE<br>
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ROOMMATE  
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That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. Nothing you’re doing is actually holy.
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No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really a priest, then there is no God.
THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.  
THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.  
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GOD<br>
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GOD  
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This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will
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This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .  
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ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I
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just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .
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ROOMMATE<br>
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[DISGUSTED] Ew ...
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GOD<br>
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Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.
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ROOMMATE
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[DISGUSTED] Oh my God!
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GOD
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Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.
BLACKOUT
BLACKOUT

Revision as of 04:30, 30 March 2006

ROOMMATE PRIEST

ROOMMATE OK, not to be critical or anything, but ... my yogurt was in the refrigerator, and I even wrote my name on it. Now it’s gone.

PRIEST Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your yogurt, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry. Please ... chastise me. Rend my flesh.

ROOMMATE No, no. I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s fine.

PRIEST Don’t keep it bottled up. For as the Bible says, "That's denial. That comes before anger."

ROOMMATE That’s not from the Bible. That’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

HOMELESS RON ENTERS

HOMELESS RON Mornin’, everybody.

ROOMMATE Who is this?

PRIEST It’s the blessed recipient of your yogurt. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.

ROOMMATE What are you doing bringing homeless people into our house? You don’t know anything about this guy. ... And what was he doing in my bedroom?!

PRIEST Yes, you should chastise God’s servant. Slap me. Hang me in a leather harness – if only to better know thine own self!

ROOMMATE I’m not mad at God’s servant. So stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.

PRIEST Don’t worry about it. As the Blessed One says, “Serenity now.”

ROOMMATE That’s from “Seinfeld.”

HOMELESS RON Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?

PRIEST Certainly, use my roommate’s shower.

HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.

LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.

ROOMMATE Huh? What? He said something about blood.

LINDA Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.

PRIEST This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monetary exchange – just like that blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, Saintly Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry.

ROOMMATE [TEETH GRITTED] No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.

PRIEST Are you sure you don’t want to rebuke me?

ROOMMATE Yes.

LINDA Hey, I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?

ROOMMATE What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?

PRIEST Sounds like you need to rebuke. You’ll feel better if you just call me names while I take off my pants in the front window.

ROOMMATE I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?! I’m just having an issue about boundaries!

PRIEST But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?

ROOMMATE That’s not from the Bible. That’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.

LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE] I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.

LINDA EXITS

ROOMMATE Look ... again, this is not a rebuke, but I’m starting to think you’re not really a priest.

PRIEST Well, doesn’t the Bible say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?

ROOMMATE No. That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. If you’re really a priest, then there is no God.

THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.

GOD This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ...[BELCH] ... excuse me...I just ate Skanky Linda's baby. ... .

ROOMMATE [DISGUSTED] Oh my God!

GOD Hey, if it was yours, you should have written your name on it.

BLACKOUT

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