Generous Roommate

From Ucbgwinn600

Revision as of 15:46, 23 March 2006

The Generous Roommate

ROOMMATE
Dude, not to be critical or anything, but ... I had some leftover kung pao chicken in the fridge, and it’s gone.

PRIEST
Yes, my son, providence did lead me to your kung pao chicken, and by God’s sweet grace, I did render it unto the poor. You have every right to be angry – every right to chastise me and rend my flesh.

ROOMMATE
I knew when you answered my ad for a roommate and said you were a priest, there’d be stuff like this. Anyway, I was baptized in the church. It’s Chinese leftovers. It’s fine.

PRIEST
As blessed one said, "That's denial. That comes before anger." Don’t keep it bottled up. Rebuke me for the sake of your peace of mind.

ROOMMATE
Dude, did you just refer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer as "the Blessed one"?

PRIEST
Well ... as it says in the Bible, “All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.”

ROOMMATE
Dude. That’s from “Bladerunner.”

HOMELESS RON ENTERS

HOMELESS RON
Mornin’, everybody.

ROOMMATE
Who is this?

PRIEST
It’s the blessed recipient of your Kung Pao chicken. His name is Homeless Ron ... and he is ... er, was homeless.

ROOMMATE
Was he just in my bed? Why not your bed?

PRIEST
Is it not written, "It's not about anger - it's about peace. It's not about power - it's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy - it's about knowing yourself." You should chastise God’s servant. If only to better better know thine own self!.

ROOMMATE
Whoa, "power ... grace ... enemy ... self" ...that was from the Bulletproof Monk ... But really, I’m not mad at God’s servant. And stop telling me to chastise you. It creeps me out when you do that.

HOMELESS RON
Hey, is there anyplace I can wash off some blood?

PRIEST
Certainly, use my roommate’s shower.

HOMELESS RON HEADS OUT.

ROOMMATE
Huh? What? He said something about blood.

PRIEST
Calm down. Be at ease, my son. For, did our Lord not say, “Life is like a box of chocolates”?

ROOMMATE
No! That’s from Forest Gump! Look, that guy had blood on his hands.

PRIEST
Take out your anger about that on me, my son. For surely, "That "serenity now" stuff doesn't work. It just stores up all your anger and then, eventually, you blow."

ROOMMATE
I’m not angry, I ... wasn't that from the episode of Seinfeld we saw last night? I just ... what?

LINDA ENTERS, HOLDING A BLOODY BABY.

LINDA
Hey. I just gave birth on your bed. Hope that’s cool.

PRIEST
This is Skanky Linda. She renders up sexual gratification for monitary exchange – just like the blessed Saint, Mary Magdalene. Blessed Skanky Linda, we open our home to you – unless it upsets Barry.

ROOMMATE
No. It’s fine. ... We open our home to you.

PRIEST
"Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?"

ROOMMATE
Scrubs?

LINDA
I need some money. Do you want to have sex with my baby?

ROOMMATE
What?! What the fuck is wrong with you?

PRIEST
Yeah! Do it! Rebuke the Mary Magdalene! Sweet release! Let it flow!

ROOMMATE
I’m not rebuking anyone, OK?

PRIEST
But doesn’t it say in the Bible, “I will select a mate from beyond the scorpion dome, and we will create a new aquatic race”?

ROOMMATE
No, that’s from ... I don’t even know where the fuck that’s from.

LINDA [TURNING TO LEAVE]
I’m taking my baby into the shower with Homeless Ron.

LINDA EXITS

ROOMMATE
Look ... again, this is not a rebuke, but I’m starting to think you’re not really a priest.

PRIEST
Well, as it says in the Bible, “There are only two things on my mind - Tits!”

ROOMMATE
That is not from the Bible, nothing you say is from the Bible. See, what I think is you’re just some weird guy who’s got a “rebuke” fetish. Nothing you’re doing is actually holy.

THUNDER. LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF.

GOD
This is the Lord. Father John, because of your generosity, you will ascend to the heavens. And roommate Barry ... I ... uh ... accidentally ate your yogurt. ... I think you should spank me.

ROOMMATE
[DISGUSTED] Ew ...

BLACKOUT