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== Lady Chatterley's Lover CHAPTER18 ==
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,  Lady  Chatterley  Lover    CHAPTER18  by  D  · H ·LawrenceShe  had  to  make  up  her  mind  what  to  do.  She  would  leave  Venice  on  the  Saturday  that  he  was  leaving  Wragby:  in  six  days  time.<br>  This  would  bring  her  to  London  on  the  Monday  following  ,and  she  would  then  see  him.  She  wrote  to  him  to  the  London  address  ,asking  him  to  send  her  a  letter  to  Hartland  Hotel  ,and  to  call  for  her  on  the  Monday  evening  at  seven.<br>  Inside  herself  she  was  curiously  and  complicatedly  angry  ,and  all  her  responses  were  numb.  She  refused  to  confide  even  in  Hilda  ,and  Hilda  ,offended  by  her  steady  silence  ,had  become  rather  intimate  with  a  Dutch  woman.<br>  Connie  hated  these  rather  stifling  intimacies  between  women  ,intimacy  into  which  Hilda  always  entered  ponderously.  Sir  Malcolm  decided  to  travel  with  Connie  ,and  Duncan  could  come  on  with  Hilda.<br>  The  old  artist  always  did  himself  well:  he  took  berths  on  the  Orient  Express  ,in  spite  of  Connie  dislike  of  trains  de  luxe  ,the  atmosp  Here  of  vulgar  depravity  there  is  aboard  them  nowadays.<br>  However  ,it  would  make  the  journey  to  Paris  shorter.  Sir  Malcolm  was  always  uneasy  going  back  to  his  wife.  It  was  habit  carried  over  from  the  first  wife.  But  there  would  be  a  house-party  for  the  grouse  ,and  he  wanted  to  be  well  ahead.<br>  Connie  ,sunburnt  and  handsome  ,sat  in  silence  ,forgetting  all  about  the  landscape.  `A  little  dull  for  you  ,going  back  to  Wragby  ,  said  her  father  ,noticing  her  glumness.  ,I  not  sure  I  shall  go  back  to  Wragby  ,  she  said  ,with  startling  abruptness  ,looking  into  his  eyes  with  her  big  blue  eyes.<br>  His  big  blue  eyes  took  on  the  frightened  look  of  a  man  whose  social  conscience  is  not  quite  clear.  `You  mean  you  stay  on  in  Paris  a  while  ?  `No  !I  mean  never  go  back  to  Wragby.<br>  He  was  bothered  by  his  own  little  problems  ,and  sincerely  hoped  he  was  getting  none  of  hers  to  shoulder.  `How  that  ,all  at  once  he  asked.  `I  going  ?  to  have  a  child.  It  was  the  fi  Rst  time  she  had  uttered  the  words  to  any  living  soul  ,and  it  seemed  to  mark  a  cleavage  in  her  life.<br>  `How  do  you  know  said  her  father.  She  smiled.  ?  `How  should  I    `But  not  Clifford  child  know  ?Course  ,of  ?  `No  !Another  man  She  rather  enjoyed  tormenting  him.  `Do  I  know  the  man  ?  asked  Sir  Malcolm.<br>  `No  You  never  seen  him.  !There  was  a  long  pause.  `And  what  are  your  plans  `I  don  know.  That  ?  the  point,hollister madrid.  `No  patching  it  up  with  Clifford  ?`I  suppose  Clifford  would  take  it    ,  said  Connie.<br>  `He  told  me  ,after  last  time  you  talked  to  him  ,he  wouldn  mind  if  I  had  a  child  ,so  long  as  I  went  about  it  discreetly.  `Only  sensible  thing  he  could  say  ,under  the  circumstances.<br>  Then  I  suppose  it  be  all  right.  `In  what  way  ?  said  Connie  ,looking  into  her  father  eyes.  They  were  big  blue  eyes  rather  like  her  own  ,but  with  a  certain  uneasiness  in  them  ,a  look  sometimes  of  an  uneasy  little  boy  ,sometimes  a  look  of  Sullen  selfishness  ,usually  good-humoured  and  wary.<br>  `You  can  present  Clifford  with  an  heir  to  all  the  Chatterleys  ,and  put  another  baronet  in  Wragby.  Sir  Malcolm  face  smiled  with  a  half-sensual  smile.  `But  I  don  think  I  want  to  ,  she  said.<br>  `Why  not  ?Feeling  entangled  with  the  other  man  ?Well  you  want  the  truth  !If  from  me  ,my  child  ,it  this.  The  world  goes  on.  Wragby  stands  and  will  go  on  standing.  The  world  is  more  or  less  a  fixed  thing  and  ,externally  ,we  have  to  adapt  ourselves  to  it.<br>  Privately  ,in  my  private  opinion  ,we  can  please  ourselves.  Emotions  change.  You  may  like  one  man  this  year  and  another  next.  But  Wragby  still  stands.  Stick  by  Wragby  as  far  as  Wragby  sticks  by  you.<br>  Then  please  yourself.  But  you  get  very  little  out  of  making  a  break.  You  can  make  a  break  if  you  wish.  You  have  an  independent  income  ,the  only  thing  that  never  lets  you  down.<br>  But  you  won  get  much  out  of  it.  Put  a  little  baronet  in  Wragby.  It  an  amusing  thing  to  D  O.  And  Sir  Malcolm  sat  back  and  smiled  again.  Connie  did  not  answer.  `I  hope  you  had  a  real  man  at  last    he  said  to  her  after  ,a  while  ,sensually  alert.<br>  `I  did.  That  the  trouble.  There  aren  many  of  them  about  ,  she  said.  `No  ,by  God  !He  mused.  `There    aren  !Well  ,my  dear  ,to  look  at  you  ,he  was  a  lucky  man.  Surely  he  wouldn  make  trouble  for  you  ?  `Oh  no  He  leaves  me  my  own  !Mistress  entirely.<br>  `Quite  !Quite  !A  genuine  man  would.  Sir  Malcolm  was  pleased.  Connie  was  his  favourite  daughter  ,he  had  always  liked  the  female  in  her.  Not  so  much  of  her  mother  in  her  as  in  Hilda.<br>  And  he  had  always  disliked  Clifford.  So  he  was  pleased  ,and  very  tender  with  his  daughter  ,as  if  the  unborn  child  were  his  child.  He  drove  with  her  to  Hartland  Hotel  ,and  saw  her  installed:  then  went  round  to  his  club.<br>  She  had  refused  his  company  for  the  evening.  She  found  a  letter  from  Mellors.  I  won  come  round  to  your  hotel  ,but  I  wait  for  you  out  Side  the  Golden  Cock  in  Adam  Street  at  seven.<br>  There  he  stood  ,tall  and  slender  ,and  so  different  ,in  a  formal  suit  of  thin  dark  cloth.  He  had  a  natural  distinction  ,but  he  had  not  the  cut-to-pattern  look  of  her  class.<br>  Yet  ,she  saw  at  once  ,he  could  go  anywhere.  He  had  a  native  breeding  which  was  really  much  nicer  than  the  cut-to-pattern  class  thing.  `Ah  ,there  you  are  How  well  you  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>!Look  !  `Yes  !But  not  you.<br>  She  looked  in  his  face  anxiously.  It  was  thin  ,and  the  cheekbones  showed.  But  his  eyes  smiled  at  her  ,and  she  felt  at  home  with  him.  There  it  was:  suddenly  ,the  tension  of  keeping  up  her  appearances  fell  from  her.<br>  Something  flowed  out  of  him  physically  ,that  made  her  feel  inwardly  at  ease  and  happy  ,at  home.  With  a  woman  now  alert  instinct  for  happiness  ,she  registered  it  at  once.  `I  happy  when  he  there  Not  all  the  sunshine  !  of  Venice  had  given  her  this  inward  expansion  and  warmth.<br>  `Was  it  horrid  for  you  ?  she  asked  as  she  sat  opposite  him  at  Ta  Ble.  He  was  too  thin  ;she  saw  it  now.  His  hand  lay  as  she  knew  it  ,with  the  curious  loose  forgottenness  of  a  sleeping  animal.<br>  She  wanted  so  much  to  take  it  and  kiss  it.  But  she  did  not  quite  dare.  `People  are  always  horrid  said.  `And  did  you  ,  he  mind  very  much  ?  `I  minded  ,as  I  always  shall  mind.<br>  And  I  knew  I  was  a  fool  to  mind.  `Did  you  feel  like  a  dog  with  a  tin  can  tied  to  its  tail  ?Clifford  said  you  felt  like  that.  He  looked  at  her.  It  was  cruel  of  her  at  that  moment:  for  his  pride  had  suffered  bitterly.<br>  `I  suppose  I  did  ,he  said.  She  never  knew    the  fierce  bitterness  with  which  he  resented  insult.  There  was  a  long  pause,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>.  `And  did  you  miss  me  she  asked.  `I  was  ?  glad  you  were  out  of  it.<br>  Again  there  was  a  pause.  `But  did  people  believe  about  you  and  me  she  asked.  ?  `No  !I  don  think  so  for  a  moment.  `Did  Clifford  ?`I  should  say  not.  He  put    it  off  without  thinking  about  it.<br>  But  naturally  it  made  him  wa  NT  to  see  the  last  of  me.  `I  going  to  have  a  child.  The  expression  died  utterly  out  of  his  face  ,out  of  his  whole  body.  He  looked  at  her  with  darkened  eyes  ,whose  look  she  could  not  understand  at  all:  like  some  dark-flamed  spirit  looking  at  her.<br>  `Say  you  glad  she  pleaded  !  ,groping  for  his  hand.  And  she  saw  a  certain  exultance  spring  up  in  him.  But  it  was  netted  down  by  things  she  could  not  understand,hollister.  `It  the  future  ,he  said.<br>  `But  aren  you  glad    ?  she  persisted.  `I  have  such  a  terrible  mistrust  of  the  future.  `But  you  needn  be  troubled  by  any  responsibility.  Clifford  would  have  it  as  his  own  ,he  be  glad.<br>  She  saw  him  go  pale  ,and  recoil  under  this.  He  did  not  answer.  `Shall  I  go  back  to  Clifford  and  put  a  little  baronet  into  Wragby  she  asked.  He  looked  ?  at  her  ,pale  and  very  remote.<br>  The  ugly  little  grin  flickered  on  his  face.  `You  wouldn  have  to  tell  him  who  the  father  was  ?  `Oh  she  said  !  ;`he  take  it  even  Then  ,if  I  wanted  him  to.  He  thought  for  a  time.<br>  `Ay  he  said  at  last  !  ,to  himself.  `I  suppose  he  would.  There  was  silence.  A  big  Gulf  was  between  them.  `But  you  don  want  me  to  go  back  to  Clifford  ,do  you  she  asked  him.<br>  `What  ?  do  you  want  yourself  he  replied.  `I  want  ?  to  live  with  you    she  said  simply.  In  spite  ,of  himself  ,little  flames  ran  over  his  belly  as  he  heard  her  say  it  ,and  he  dropped  his  head.<br>  Then  he  looked  up  at  her  again  ,with  those  haunted  eyes.  `If  it  worth  it  to  you  said.  `I  got  nothing.  ,  he  `You  got  more  than  most  men.  Come  ,you  know  it  ,she  said.  `In  one    way  ,I  know  it.<br>  He  was  silent  for  a  time  ,thinking.  Then  he  resumed:  They  used  to  say  I  ,had  too  much  of  the  woman  in  me.  But  it  not  that.  I  not  a  woman  not  because  I  don  want  to  shoot  birds  ,neither  because  I  don  want  to  make  money  ,or  get  on.<br>  I  could  have  got  on  in  the  army  ,easily  ,but  I  didn  like  the  army.  Though  I  could  manage  the  me  N  all  right:  they  liked  me  and  they  had  a  bit  of  a  holy  fear  of  me  when  I  got  mad.<br>  No  ,it  was  stupid  ,dead-handed  higher  authority  that  made  the  army  dead:  absolutely  fool-dead.  I  like  men  ,and  men  like  me.  But  I  can  stand  the  twaddling  bossy  impudence  of  the  people  who  run  this  world.<br>  That  why  I  can  get  on.  I  hate  the  impudence  of  money  ,and  I  hate  the  impudence  of  class.  So  in  the  world  as  it  is  ,what  have  I  to  offer  a  woman  `But  why  offer  ?  anything  It  not  a  bargain.<br>  ?It  just  that  we  love  one  another  ,  she  said.  `Nay  ,nay  It  more  than  that.  Living  is  !Moving  and  moving  on.  My  life  won  go  down  the  proper  gutters  ,it  just  won  So  I  a  bit  of  a  waste  ticket  by  myself.<br>  And  I  no  business  to  take  a  woman  into  my  life  ,unless  my  life  does  something  and  gets  somewhere  ,inwardly  at  least  ,to  keep  us  both  fresh.  A  man  must  offer  a  woman  some  meaning  in  his  life  ,if  it  going  to  be  an  isolated  life  ,and  if  she  a  genuine  woman.<br>  I  can  be  just  yo  Ur  male  concubine.  `Why  not  ?She  said.  `Why    ,because  I  can  And  you  would  soon  hate  it.  `As  if  you  couldn  trust  me  said.  The  grin  flickered  ,  she  on  his  face.<br>  `The  money  is  yours  ,the  position  is  yours  ,the  decisions  will  lie  with  you.  I  not  just  my  Lady  fucker  ,after  all.  `What  else  are  you  ?May  well  ask.  It    `You  no  doubt  is  invisible.<br>  Yet  I  something  to  myself  at  least.  I  can  see  the  point  of  my  own  existence  ,though  I  can  quite  understand  nobody  else  seeing  it.  `And  will  your  existence  have  less  point  ,if  you  live  with  me  He  paused  a  long  ?  time  before  replying:  `It  might.<br>  She  too  stayed  to  think  about  it.  `And  what  is  the  point  of  your  existence  ?`I  tell  you    ,it  invisible.  I  don  believe  in  the  world  ,not  in  money  ,nor  in  advancement  ,nor  in  the  future  of  our  civilization.<br>  If  there  got  to  be  a  future  for  humanity  ,there  have  to  be  a  very  big  change  from  what  now  is.  `And  what  will  the  real  Future  have  to  be  like  ?  `God  knows  I  can  feel  something  !Inside  me  ,all  mixed  up  with  a  lot  of  rage.<br>  But  what  it  really  amounts  to  ,I  don  know.  `Shall  I  tell  you  ?  she  said  ,looking  into  his  face.  `Shall  I  tell  you  what  you  have  that  other  men  don  have  ,and  that  will  make  the  future  ?Shall  I  tell  you  ?  `Tell  me  then    he  replied.<br>  `It  the  ,courage  of  your  own  tenderness  ,that  what  it  is:  like  when  you  put  your  hand  on  my  tail  and  say  I  got  a  pretty  tail.  The  grin  came  flickering  on  his  face.  `That  said.<br>  Then  he  sat    he  !Thinking.  `Ay  !  he  said.  `You  right.  It  that  really.  It  that  all  the  way  through.  I  knew  it  with  the  men.  I  had  to  be  in  touch  with  them  ,physically  ,and  not  go  back  on  it.<br>  I  had  to  be  bodily  aware  of  them  and  a  bit  tender  to  them  ,even  if  I  put  em  through  hell.  It  a  question  of  awareness  ,as  Buddha  said.  But  even  he  fought  shy  of  the  bodily  awareness  ,and  that  natural  physical  tenderness  ,which  is  the  be  St  ,even  between  men  ;in  a  proper  manly  way.<br>  Makes    really  manly  ,not  so  monkeyish.  Ay  !It  tenderness  ,really  ;it  cunt-awareness.  Sex  is  really  only  touch  ,the  closest  of  all  touch.  And  it  touch  we  afraid  of.  We  only  half-conscious  ,and  half  alive.<br>  We  got  to  come  alive  and  aware.  Especially  the  English  have  got  to  get  into  touch  with  one  another  ,a  bit  delicate  and  a  bit  tender.  It  our  crying  need.  She  looked  at  him.<br>  `Then  why  are  you  afraid  of  me  she  said.  He  looked  ?  at  her  a  long  time  before  he  answered.  `It  the  money  ,really  ,and  the  position.  It  the  world  in  you.  `But  isn  there  tenderness  in  me  ?  she  said  wistfully.<br>  He  looked  down  at  her  ,hollister uk,with  darkened  ,abstract  eyes.  `Ay  !It  comes  AN  goes  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,like  in  me.  `But  can  you  trust  it  between  you  and  me  ?  she  asked  ,gazing  anxiously  at  him.  She  saw  his  face  all  softening  down  ,losing  its  armour.<br>  `Maybe  !He  said.  They  were  both  silent.    `I  want  you  to  hold  M  E  in  your  arms  said.  `I  want  you  ,  she  to  tell  me  you  are  glad  we  are  having  a  child.  She  looked  so  lovely  and  warm  and  wistful  ,his  bowels  stirred  towards  her.<br>  `I  suppose  we  can  go  to  my  room  said.  `Though  it  scandalous  ,  he  again.  But  she  saw  the  forgetfulness  of  the  world  coming  over  him  again  ,his  face  taking  the  soft  ,pure  look  of  tender  passion.<br>  They  walked  by  the  remoter  streets  to  Coburg  Square  ,where  he  had  a  room  at  the  top  of  the  house  ,an  attic  room  where  he  cooked  for  himself  on  a  gas  ring.  It  was  small  ,but  decent  and  tidy.<br>  She  took  off  her  things  ,and  made  him  do  the  same.  She  was  lovely  in  the  soft  first  flush  of  her  pregnancy.  `I  ought  to  leave  you  alone  ,  he  said.  `No    she  !Said.  `Love  me  !Love  me  ,and  say  you  keep  me.<br>  Say  you  keep  me  Say  you  never  let  !Me  go  ,to  the  world  nor  to  anybody.  She  crept  close  against  him  ,clinging  fast  to  his  thin  ,strong  naked  body  ,the  only  home  she  had  ever  known.<br>  `Then  I  Keep  thee  said.  `If  tha  wants  ,  he  it  ,then  I  keep  thee.  He  held  her  round  and  fast.  `And  say  you  glad  about  the  child  ,  she  repeated.  `Kiss  it  Kiss  my  womb  and  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>!Say  you  glad  it  there.<br>  But  that  was  more  difficult  for  him.  `I  a  dread  of  puttin  children  I  th  world  ,  he  said.  `I  such  a  dread  o  th  future  for    `But  you  put  it  into  me.  Be  tender  to  it  ,and  that  will  be  its  future  already.<br>  Kiss  it  He  quivered  !  ,because  it  was  true.  `Be  tender  to  it  ,and  that  will  be  its  future,hollister madrid.  that  moment  he  felt  a  sheer  love  for  the  woman.  He  kissed  her  belly  and  her  mound  of  Venus  ,to  kiss  close  to  the  womb  and  the  foetus  within  the  womb.<br>  `Oh  ,you  love  me  !You  love  me  !  she  said  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,in  a  little  cry  like  one  of  her  blind  ,inarticulate  love  cries.  And  he  went  in  to  her  softly  ,feeling  the  stream  of  tenderness  flowing  in  release  from  his  bowels  to  hers  ,the  bowels  of  compassion  kindled  between  them.<br>  And  he  realized  as  he  wen  T  into  her  that  this  was  the  thing  he  had  to  do  ,to  e  into  tender  touch  ,without  losing  his  pride  or  his  dignity  or  his  integrity  as  a  man.<br>  After  all  ,if  she  had  money  and  means  ,and  he  had  none  ,he  should  be  too  proud  and  honourable  to  hold  back  his  tenderness  from  her  on  that  account.  `I  stand  for  the  touch  of  bodily  awareness  between  human  beings  ,  he  said  to  himself  ,`and  the  touch  of  tenderness.<br>  And  she  is  my  mate.  And  it  is  a  battle  against  the  money  ,and  the  machine  ,and  the  insentient  ideal  monkeyishness  of  the  world.  And  she  will  stand  behind  me  there.  Thank  God  I  got  a  Thank  woman  !God  I  got  a  woman  who  is  with  me  ,and  tender  and  aware  of  me.<br>  Thank  God  she  not  a  bully  ,nor  a  fool.  Thank  God  she  a  tender  ,aware  woman.  And  as  his  seed  sprang  in  her  ,his  soul  sprang  towards  her  too  ,in  the  creative  act  that  is  far  more  than  procreative.<br>  She  was  quite  determined  now  that  there  should  be  no  parting  between  him  and  her.  But  the  ways  and  means  were  st  Ill  to  settle.  `Did  you  hate  Bertha  Coutts  she  asked  him.<br>  `Don  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>?  talk  to  me  about  her,hollister uk.  `Yes  You  must  let  me.  !Because  once  you  liked  her.  And  once  you  were  as  intimate  with  her  as  you  are  with  me.  So  you  have  to  tell  me.  Isn  it  rather  terrible  ,when  you  been  intimate  with  her  ,to  hate  her  so  ?Why  is  it  ?Don  know.<br>  She  sort    `I  of  kept  her  will  ready  against  me  ,always  ,always:  her  ghastly  female  will:  her  freedom  A  woman  ghastly  freedom  !That  ends  in  the  most  beastly  bullying  !Oh  she  always  kept  her  freedom  ,against  me  ,like  vitriol  in  my  face.<br>  `But  she  not  free  of  you  even  now.  Does  she  still  love  you  ?  `No  ,no  If  she  not  free  of  !Me  ,it  because  she  got  that  mad  rage  ,she  must  try  to  bully  me.  `But  she  must  have  loved  you.<br>  `No  in  specks  she  did.  !Well  ,She  was  drawn  to  me.  And  I  think  even  that  she  hated.  She  loved  me  in  moments.  But  she  always  took  it  back  ,and  started  bullying.  Her  deepest  desire  was  to  bully  me  ,and  There  was  no  altering  her.<br>  Her  will  was  wrong  ,from  the  first,hollister.  `But  perhaps  she  felt  you  didn  really  love  her  ,and  she  wanted  to  make  you.  `My  God  ,it  was  bloody  making.  `But  you  didn  really  love  her  ,did  you  ?You  did  her  that  wrong,hollister madrid.<br>  `How  could  I  ?I  began  to.  I  began  to  love  her.  But  somehow  ,she  always  ripped  me  up.  No  ,don  let  talk  of  it.  It  was  a  doom  ,that  was.  And  she  was  a  doomed  woman.  This  last  time  ,I  have  shot  her  like  I  shoot  a  stoat  ,if  I  but  been  allowed:  a  raving  ,doomed  thing  in  the  shape  of  a  woman  If  only  I  could  have  shot  !Her  ,and  ended  the  whole  misery  It  ought  to  be  !Allowed.<br>  When  a  woman  gets  absolutely  possessed  by  her  own  will  ,her  own  will  set  against  everything  ,then  it  fearful  ,and  she  should  be  shot  at  last.  `And  shouldn  men  be  shot  at  last  ,if  they  get  possessed  by  their  own  will  ?  `Ay  ---the  same  !!But  I  must  get  free  of  her  ,or  she  be  at  me  again.<br>  I  wanted  to  tell  you.  I  must  get  a  divorce  If  I  possibly  can.  So  we  must  be  careful,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>.  We  mustn  really  be  seen  together  ,you  and  I.  I  never  ,never  could  stand  it  if  she  came  down  on  me  and  you.<br>  Connie  pondered  this.  `Then  we  can  be  together  she  said.  `Not  for  ?  six  months  or  so.  But  I  think  my  divorce  will  go  through  in  September  ;then  till  March.  `But  the  baby  will  probably  be  born  at  the  end  of  February  said.<br>  He  was  silent.  ,  she  `I  could  wish  the  Cliffords  and  Berthas  all  dead  he  said.  `It  not  being  ,  very  tender  to    she  said.  `Tender  to  them  ,them  ?Yea  ,even  then  the  tenderest  thing  you  could  do  for  them  ,perhaps  ,would  be  to  give  them  death.<br>  They  can  live  They  only  frustrate  life.  !Their  souls  are  awful  inside  them.  Death  ought  to  be  sweet  to  them.  And  I  ought  to  be  allowed  to  shoot  them.  `But  you  wouldn  do  it  ,she  said.<br>  `I  would    though  !And  with  less  qualms  than  I  shoot  a  weasel.  It  anyhow  has  a  prettiness  and  a  loneliness.  But  they  are  legion.  Oh  ,I  shoot  Them.  `Then  perhaps  it  is  just  as  well  you  daren  `Well.<br>  Connie  had  now  plenty  to  think  of.  It  was  evident  he  wanted  absolutely  to  be  free  of  Bertha  Coutts.  And  she  felt  he  was  right.  The  last  attack  had  been  too  grim.---This  meant  her  living  alone  ,till  spring.<br>  Perhaps  she  could  get  divorced  from  Clifford.  But  how  If  Mellors  were  named  ?,then  there  was  an  end  to  his  divorce.  How  loathsome  !Couldn  one  go  right  away  ,to  the  far  ends  of  the  earth  ,and  be  free  from  it  all  ?One  could  not.<br>  The  far  ends  of  the  world  are  not  five  minutes  from  Charing  Cross  ,nowadays.  While  the  wireless  is  active  ,there  are  no  far  ends  of  the  earth.  Kings  of  Dahomey  and  Lamas  of  Tibet  listen  in  to  London  and  New  York.<br>  Patience  !Patience  !The  world  is  a  vast  and  ghastly  intricacy  of  mechanism  ,and  one  has  to  be  very  wary  ,not  to  get  mangled  by  it.  Connie  confided  in  her  father.  `You  see  ,Father  ,he  was  Clifford  game-keeper:  but  he  was  an  officer  in  the  army  I  N  India.<br>  Only  he  is  like  Colonel  C.  E.  Florence  ,who  preferred  to  become  a  private  soldier  again.  Sir  Malcolm  ,however  ,had  no  sympathy  with  the  unsatisfactory  mysticism  of  the  famous  C.<br>  E.  Florence.  He  saw  too  much  advertisement  behind  all  the  humility.  It  looked  just  like  the  sort  of  conceit  the  knight  most  loathed  ,the  conceit  of  self-abasement.  `Where  did  your  game-keeper  spring  from  asked  Sir  Malcolm  irritably.<br>  ?  `He  was  a  collier  son  in  Tevershall.  But  he  absolutely  presentable.  The  knighted  artist  became  more  angry.  `Looks  to  me  like  a  gold-digger  said.  `And  you  a  ,  he  pretty  easy  gold-mine  ,apparently.<br>  `No  ,Father  ,it  not  like  that.  You  know  if  you  saw  him.  He  a  man.  Clifford  always  detested  him  for  not  being  humble.  `Apparently  he  had  a  good  instinct  ,for  once.  What  Sir  Malcolm  could  not  bear  was  the  scandal  of  his  daughter  having  an  intrigue  with  a  game-keeper.<br>  He  did  not  mind  the  intrigue:  he  minded  the  scand  Al.  `I  care  nothing  about  the  fellow.  He  evidently  been  able  to  get  round  you  all  right.  But  ,by  God  ,think  of  all  the  talk.<br>  Think  of  your  step-mother  how  she  take  it  !  `I  know  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,  said  Connie.  `Talk  is  beastly:  especially  if  you  live  in  society.  And  he  wants  so  much  to  get  his  own  divorce.  I  thought  we  might  perhaps  say  it  was  another  man  child  ,and  not  mention  Mellors  name  at  all.<br>  `Another  man  !What  other  man  `Perhaps  Duncan  Forbes.  He  ?  has  been  our  friend  all  his  life.  `And  he  a  fairly  well-known  artist.  And  he  fond  of  me.  `Well  I  damned  !Poor  Duncan  !And  what  he  going  to  get  out  of  it  ?  `I  don  know.<br>  But  he  might  rather  like  it  ,even.  `He  might  ,might  he  ?Well  ,he  a  funny  man  if  he  does.  Why  ,you  never  even  had  an  affair  with  him  ,have  you  ?  `No  !But  he  doesn  really  want  it.<br>  He  only  loves  me  to  be  near  him  ,but  not  to  touch  him.  `My  God  ,what  a  generation  `He  would  like  me  !  most  of  all  to  be  a  Model  for  him  to  paint  from.  Only  I  never  wanted  to.<br>  `God  help  him  But  he  looks  down-trodden  enough  for  !Anything.  `Still  ,you  wouldn  mind  so  much  the  talk  about  him  ?  `My  God  ,Connie  the  bloody  ,all  contriving  !  `I  know  !It  sickening  !But  what  can  I  do  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>?  `Contriving  ,conniving  ;conniving  ,contriving  Makes  a  man  think  he  !Lived  too  long.<br>  `Come  ,Father  ,if  you  haven  done  a  good  deal  of  contriving  and  conniving  in  your  time  ,you  may  talk.  `But  it  was  different  ,I  assure  you.  `It  always  different.  Hilda  arrived  ,also  furious  when  she  heard  of  the  new  developments.<br>  And  she  also  simply  could  not  stand  the  thought  of  a  public  scandal  about  her  sister  and  a  game-keeper.  Too  ,too  humiliating  !`Why  should  we  not  just  disappear  ,separately  ,to  British  Columbia  ,and  have  no  scandal  said  Connie.<br>  But  that  ?  was  no  good.  The  scandal  would  come  out  just  the  same.  And  if  Connie  was  going  with  the  man  ,she  better  be  able  to  marry  hi  M.  This  was  Hilda  opinion,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister uk</a>.  Sir  Malcolm  wasn  sure.<br>  The  affair  might  still  blow  over.  `But  will  you  see  him  ,Father  ?  Poor  Sir  Malcolm  he  was  by  no  means  !Keen  on  it.  And  poor  Mellors  ,he  was  still  less  keen.  Yet  the  meeting  took  place:  a  lunch  in  a  private  room  at  the  club  ,the  two  men  alone  ,looking  one  another  up  and  down.<br>  Sir  Malcolm  drank  a  fair  amount  of  whisky  ,Mellors  also  drank.  And  they  talked  all  the  while  about  India  ,on  which  the  young  man  was  well  informed.  This  lasted  during  the  meal.<br>  Only  when  coffee  was  served  ,and  the  waiter  had  gone  ,Sir  Malcolm  lit  a  cigar  and  said  ,heartily:  `Well  ,young  man  ,and  what  about  my  daughter  The  grin  flickered  on  ?  Mellors  face.<br>  `Well  ,Sir  ,and  what  about  her  `You  got  a  baby  ?  in  her  all  right.  `I  have  that  honour  grinned  Mellors.  `Honour  by  !  ,  Sir  Malcolm  gave  a  God  !Little  squirting  laugh  ,and  became  Scotch  and  lewd.<br>  ,Honour  !How  was  the  going  ,eh  ?Good  ,my  boy  ,what  ?  `Good  !`I  bet  it    was  !Ha-ha  !My  daughter  ,chip  of  the  old  block  ,what  I  never  went  back  on  !A  good  bit  of  fucking  ,hollister,myself.<br>  Though  her  mother  ,oh  ,holy  saints  !Rolled  his  eyes  to    He  heaven.  `But  you  warmed  her  up  ,oh  ,you  warmed  her  up  ,I  can  see  that.  Ha-ha  My  blood  in  !Her  !You  set  fire  to  her  haystack  all  right.<br>  Ha-ha-ha  I  was  jolly  glad  !Of  it  ,I  can  tell  you.  She  needed  it.  Oh  ,she  a  nice  girl  ,hollister,she  a  nice  girl  ,and  I  knew  she  be  good  going  ,if  only  some  damned  man  would  set  her  stack  on  fire  !Ha-ha-ha  !A  game-keeper  ,eh  ,my  boy  !Bloody  good  poacher  ,if  you  ask  me.<br>  Ha-ha  !But  now  ,look  here  ,speaking  seriously  ,what  are  we  going  to  do  about  it  ?Speaking  seriously  ,you  know  !  Speaking  seriously  ,they  didn  get  very  far.  Mellors  ,though  a  little  tipsy  ,was  much  the  soberer  of  the  two.<br>  He  kept  the  conversation  as  intelligent  as  possible:  which  isn  saying  much.  `So  you  a  game-keeper  Oh  ,you  quite  !Right  !That  sort  of  game  is  worth  a  man    while  ,eh  ,what  ?The  test  of  a  woman  is  when  you  pinch  her  bottom.<br>  You  can  tell  just  by  the  feel  of  her  bottom  if  she  going  to  come  up  all  right.  Ha-ha  !I  envy  you  ,my  boy.  How  old  are  you  `Thirty-nine.  The  Knight  lifted  ?  his  eyebrows.<br>  `As  much  as  that  Well  ,you  !Another  good  twenty  years  ,by  the  look  of  you.  Oh  ,game-keeper  or  not  ,you  a  good  cock.  I  can  see  that  with  one  eye  shut.  Not  like  that  blasted  Clifford  A  lily-livered  hound  with  !Never  a  fuck  in  him  ,never  had.<br>  I  like  you  ,my  boy  ,I  bet  you  a  good  cod  on  Oh  ,you  ;you  a  Bantam  ,I  can  see  that.  You  a  fighter.  Game-keeper  !Ha-ha  ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,by  crikey  ,I  wouldn  trust  my  game  to  you  !But  look  here  ,seriously  ,what  are  we  going  to  do  about  it  ?The  world  full  of  blasted  old  women.<br>  Seriously  ,they  didn  do  anything  about  it  ,except  establish  the  old  free-masonry  of  male  sensuality  between  them.  `And  look  here  ,my  boy  ,if  ever  I  can  do  anything  for  you  ,you  can  rely  on  me.<br>  Game-ke  Eper  !Christ  ,hollister uk,but  it  rich  !I  like  it  !Oh  ,I  like  it  !Shows  the  girl  got  spunk.  What  ?After  all  ,you  know  ,she  has  her  own  income  ,moderate  ,moderate  ,but  above  starvation.<br>  And  I  leave  her  what  I  got.  By  God  ,I  will.  She  deserves  it  for  showing  spunk  ,in  a  world  of  old  women.  I  been  struggling  to  get  myself  clear  of  the  skirts  of  old  women  for  seventy  years  ,hollister,and  haven  managed  it  yet.<br>  But  you  the  man  ,I  can  see  that.  `I  glad  you  think  so.  They  usually  tell  me  ,in  a  sideways  fashion  ,that  I  the  monkey.  `Oh  ,My  dear  fellow  ,they  would  !What  could  you  be  but  a  monkey  ,to  all  the  old  women  ?They  parted  most  genially    ,and  Mellors  laughed  inwardly  all  the  time  for  the  rest  of  the  day.<br>  The  following  day  he  had  lunch  with  Connie  and  Hilda  ,at  some  discreet  place.  `It  a  very  great  pity  it  such  an  ugly  situation  all  round  ,  said  Hilda.  `I  had  a  lot  o  fun  out  of  it  he.<br>  `I  think  you  ,  said  might  have  avoided  putting  children  Into  the  world  until  you  were  both  free  to  marry  and  have  children.  `The  Lord  blew  a  bit  too  soon  on  the  spark  he.<br>  `I  think  the  ,  said  Lord  had  nothing  to  do  with  it.  Of  course  ,Connie  has  enough  money  to  keep  you  both  ,but  the  situation  is  unbearable.  `But  then  you  don  have  to  bear  more  than  a  small  corner  of  it  ,do  you  said  he.<br>  `If  you  ?  been  in  her  own  class.  `Or  if  I  been  in  a  cage  at  the  Zoo.  There  was  silence.  `I  think  ,  said  Hilda  ,`it  will  be  best  if  she  names  quite  another  man  as  co-respondent  and  you  stay  out  of  it  altogether.<br>  `But  I  thought  I  put  my  foot  right  in.  `I  mean  in  the  divorce  proceedings.  He  gazed  at  her  in  wonder.  Connie  had  not  dared  mention  the  Duncan  scheme  to  him.  `I  don  follow  said.<br>  `We  have  a  ,  he  friend  who  would  probably  agree  to  be  named  as  co-respondent  ,so  that  your  name  need  not  appear  ,said  Hilda.  `You  mean  a  man    ?  `Of  course  !  But  she  got  no  other  He  Lo  ?  Oked  in  wonder  at  Connie.<br>  `No  ,no  said  hastily.  `Only  that    she  !Old  friendship  ,quite  simple  ,no  love.  `Then  why  should  the  fellow  take  the  blame  ?If  he  had  nothing  out  of  you  `Some  men  are  chivalrous  ?  and  don  only  count  what  they  get  out  of  a  woman  ,said  Hilda.<br>  `One  for  me    ,eh  ?But  who  the  Johnny  `A  friend  whom  we  ?  known  since  we  were  children  in  Scotland  ,hollister uk,an  artist.  `Duncan  Forbes  he  said  at  once  !  ,for  Connie  had  talked  to  him.<br>  `And  how  would  you  shift  the  blame  on  to  him  `They  could  stay  together  ?  in  some  hotel  ,or  she  could  even  stay  in  his  apartment.  `Seems  to  me  like  a  lot  of  fuss  for  nothing  said.<br>  `What  else  do  ,  he  you  suggest    said  Hilda.  `If  your  ?Name  appears  ,you  will  get  no  divorce  from  your  wife  ,who  is  apparently  quite  an  impossible  person  to  be  mixed  up  with.<br>  `All  that  he  said  grimly.  There  !  was  a  long  silence.  `We  could  go  right  away  said.  `There  is  no  ,  he  right  away  for  Connie  ,  sai  D  Hilda.  `Clifford  is  too  well  known.<br>  Again  the  silence  of  pure  frustration.  `The  world  is  what  it  is.  If  you  want  to  live  together  without  being  persecuted  ,you  will  have  to  marry.  To  marry  ,you  both  have  to  be  divorced.<br>  So  how  are  you  both  going  about  it  He  was  silent  for  ?  a  long  time.  `How  are  you  going  about  it  for  us  he  said.  `We  will  ?  see  if  Duncan  will  consent  to  figure  as  co-respondent:  then  we  must  get  Clifford  to  divorce  Connie:  and  you  must  go  on  with  your  divorce  ,and  you  must  both  keep  apart  till  you  are  free.<br>  `Sounds  like  a  lunatic  asylum.  `Possibly  And  the  world  would  !Look  on  you  as  lunatics:  or  worse.  ;`What  is  worse  ?  `Criminals  ,I  suppose.  Hope  I  can  plunge  in  ,the  dagger  a  few  more  times  yet  ,  he  said  ,grinning.<br>  Then  he  was  silent  ,and  angry.  `Well  he  said  at  last.  !  `I  agree  to  anything.  The  world  is  a  raving  idiot  ,and  no  man  can  kill  it:  though  I  do  my  best.  But  you  re  right.<br>  We  must  rescue  ourse  Lves  as  best  we  can.  He  looked  in  humiliation  ,anger  ,weariness  and  misery  at  Connie.  `Ma  lass  he  said.  `The  world  !  goin  to  put  salt  on  thy  tail.<br>  `Not  if  we  don  let  it  said.  She  minded  this  ,  she  conniving  against  the  world  less  than  he  did.  Duncan  ,when  approached  ,also  insisted  on  seeing  the  delinquent  game-keeper  ,so  there  was  a  dinner  ,this  time  in  his  flat:  the  four  of  them.<br>  Duncan  was  a  rather  short  ,broad  ,dark-skinned  ,taciturn  Hamlet  of  a  fellow  with  straight  black  hair  and  a  weird  Celtic  conceit  of  himself.  His  art  was  all  tubes  and  valves  and  spirals  and  strange  colours  ,ultra-modern  ,yet  with  a  certain  power  ,even  a  certain  purity  of  form  and  tone:  only  Mellors  thought  it  cruel  and  repellent.<br>  He  did  not  venture  to  say  so  ,for  Duncan  was  almost  insane  on  the  point  of  his  art:  it  was  a  personal  cult  ,a  personal  religion  with  him,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister uk</a>.  They  were  looking  at  the  pictures  in  the  studio  ,and  Duncan  kept  his  smallish  brown  eyes  on  the  other  man.<br>  He  wanted  to  hear  what  the  game-keeper  would  say.  He  knew  already  Connie  and  Hilda  opinions.  `It  is  like  a  pure  bit  of  murder  ,  said  Mellors  at  last  ;a  speech  Duncan  by  no  means  expected  from  a  game-keeper.<br>Related articles:
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gathered again since graduation.What a nice gathering!Over the students’life nearly one year,some topic I always think about,just study,career,life,family,friends or even more.It’s perhaps no answers but the time.time will give the answers as long as it isnot too late.Related articles:
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  <li>/User:2e6x6c6b5#I_said_to_myself_wit</li>
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  <li>#comments</li>
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gathered again since graduation.What a nice gathering!Over the students’life nearly one year,some topic I always think about,just study,career,life,family,friends or even more.It’s perhaps no answers but the time.time will give the answers as long as it isnot too late.

Revision as of 06:58, 20 December 2012

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Lady Chatterley's Lover CHAPTER18

, Lady Chatterley Lover CHAPTER18 by D · H ·LawrenceShe had to make up her mind what to do. She would leave Venice on the Saturday that he was leaving Wragby: in six days time.
This would bring her to London on the Monday following ,and she would then see him. She wrote to him to the London address ,asking him to send her a letter to Hartland Hotel ,and to call for her on the Monday evening at seven.
Inside herself she was curiously and complicatedly angry ,and all her responses were numb. She refused to confide even in Hilda ,and Hilda ,offended by her steady silence ,had become rather intimate with a Dutch woman.
Connie hated these rather stifling intimacies between women ,intimacy into which Hilda always entered ponderously. Sir Malcolm decided to travel with Connie ,and Duncan could come on with Hilda.
The old artist always did himself well: he took berths on the Orient Express ,in spite of Connie dislike of trains de luxe ,the atmosp Here of vulgar depravity there is aboard them nowadays.
However ,it would make the journey to Paris shorter. Sir Malcolm was always uneasy going back to his wife. It was habit carried over from the first wife. But there would be a house-party for the grouse ,and he wanted to be well ahead.
Connie ,sunburnt and handsome ,sat in silence ,forgetting all about the landscape. `A little dull for you ,going back to Wragby , said her father ,noticing her glumness. ,I not sure I shall go back to Wragby , she said ,with startling abruptness ,looking into his eyes with her big blue eyes.
His big blue eyes took on the frightened look of a man whose social conscience is not quite clear. `You mean you stay on in Paris a while  ? `No  !I mean never go back to Wragby.
He was bothered by his own little problems ,and sincerely hoped he was getting none of hers to shoulder. `How that ,all at once he asked. `I going  ? to have a child. It was the fi Rst time she had uttered the words to any living soul ,and it seemed to mark a cleavage in her life.
`How do you know said her father. She smiled.  ? `How should I `But not Clifford child know  ?Course ,of  ? `No  !Another man She rather enjoyed tormenting him. `Do I know the man  ? asked Sir Malcolm.
`No You never seen him.  !There was a long pause. `And what are your plans `I don know. That  ? the point,hollister madrid. `No patching it up with Clifford  ?`I suppose Clifford would take it , said Connie.
`He told me ,after last time you talked to him ,he wouldn mind if I had a child ,so long as I went about it discreetly. `Only sensible thing he could say ,under the circumstances.
Then I suppose it be all right. `In what way  ? said Connie ,looking into her father eyes. They were big blue eyes rather like her own ,but with a certain uneasiness in them ,a look sometimes of an uneasy little boy ,sometimes a look of Sullen selfishness ,usually good-humoured and wary.
`You can present Clifford with an heir to all the Chatterleys ,and put another baronet in Wragby. Sir Malcolm face smiled with a half-sensual smile. `But I don think I want to , she said.
`Why not  ?Feeling entangled with the other man  ?Well you want the truth  !If from me ,my child ,it this. The world goes on. Wragby stands and will go on standing. The world is more or less a fixed thing and ,externally ,we have to adapt ourselves to it.
Privately ,in my private opinion ,we can please ourselves. Emotions change. You may like one man this year and another next. But Wragby still stands. Stick by Wragby as far as Wragby sticks by you.
Then please yourself. But you get very little out of making a break. You can make a break if you wish. You have an independent income ,the only thing that never lets you down.
But you won get much out of it. Put a little baronet in Wragby. It an amusing thing to D O. And Sir Malcolm sat back and smiled again. Connie did not answer. `I hope you had a real man at last he said to her after ,a while ,sensually alert.
`I did. That the trouble. There aren many of them about , she said. `No ,by God  !He mused. `There aren  !Well ,my dear ,to look at you ,he was a lucky man. Surely he wouldn make trouble for you  ? `Oh no He leaves me my own  !Mistress entirely.
`Quite  !Quite  !A genuine man would. Sir Malcolm was pleased. Connie was his favourite daughter ,he had always liked the female in her. Not so much of her mother in her as in Hilda.
And he had always disliked Clifford. So he was pleased ,and very tender with his daughter ,as if the unborn child were his child. He drove with her to Hartland Hotel ,and saw her installed: then went round to his club.
She had refused his company for the evening. She found a letter from Mellors. I won come round to your hotel ,but I wait for you out Side the Golden Cock in Adam Street at seven.
There he stood ,tall and slender ,and so different ,in a formal suit of thin dark cloth. He had a natural distinction ,but he had not the cut-to-pattern look of her class.
Yet ,she saw at once ,he could go anywhere. He had a native breeding which was really much nicer than the cut-to-pattern class thing. `Ah ,there you are How well you ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>!Look  ! `Yes  !But not you.
She looked in his face anxiously. It was thin ,and the cheekbones showed. But his eyes smiled at her ,and she felt at home with him. There it was: suddenly ,the tension of keeping up her appearances fell from her.
Something flowed out of him physically ,that made her feel inwardly at ease and happy ,at home. With a woman now alert instinct for happiness ,she registered it at once. `I happy when he there Not all the sunshine  ! of Venice had given her this inward expansion and warmth.
`Was it horrid for you  ? she asked as she sat opposite him at Ta Ble. He was too thin  ;she saw it now. His hand lay as she knew it ,with the curious loose forgottenness of a sleeping animal.
She wanted so much to take it and kiss it. But she did not quite dare. `People are always horrid said. `And did you , he mind very much  ? `I minded ,as I always shall mind.
And I knew I was a fool to mind. `Did you feel like a dog with a tin can tied to its tail  ?Clifford said you felt like that. He looked at her. It was cruel of her at that moment: for his pride had suffered bitterly.
`I suppose I did ,he said. She never knew the fierce bitterness with which he resented insult. There was a long pause,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>. `And did you miss me she asked. `I was  ? glad you were out of it.
Again there was a pause. `But did people believe about you and me she asked.  ? `No  !I don think so for a moment. `Did Clifford  ?`I should say not. He put it off without thinking about it.
But naturally it made him wa NT to see the last of me. `I going to have a child. The expression died utterly out of his face ,out of his whole body. He looked at her with darkened eyes ,whose look she could not understand at all: like some dark-flamed spirit looking at her.
`Say you glad she pleaded  ! ,groping for his hand. And she saw a certain exultance spring up in him. But it was netted down by things she could not understand,hollister. `It the future ,he said.
`But aren you glad  ? she persisted. `I have such a terrible mistrust of the future. `But you needn be troubled by any responsibility. Clifford would have it as his own ,he be glad.
She saw him go pale ,and recoil under this. He did not answer. `Shall I go back to Clifford and put a little baronet into Wragby she asked. He looked  ? at her ,pale and very remote.
The ugly little grin flickered on his face. `You wouldn have to tell him who the father was  ? `Oh she said  !  ;`he take it even Then ,if I wanted him to. He thought for a time.
`Ay he said at last  ! ,to himself. `I suppose he would. There was silence. A big Gulf was between them. `But you don want me to go back to Clifford ,do you she asked him.
`What  ? do you want yourself he replied. `I want  ? to live with you she said simply. In spite ,of himself ,little flames ran over his belly as he heard her say it ,and he dropped his head.
Then he looked up at her again ,with those haunted eyes. `If it worth it to you said. `I got nothing. , he `You got more than most men. Come ,you know it ,she said. `In one way ,I know it.
He was silent for a time ,thinking. Then he resumed: They used to say I ,had too much of the woman in me. But it not that. I not a woman not because I don want to shoot birds ,neither because I don want to make money ,or get on.
I could have got on in the army ,easily ,but I didn like the army. Though I could manage the me N all right: they liked me and they had a bit of a holy fear of me when I got mad.
No ,it was stupid ,dead-handed higher authority that made the army dead: absolutely fool-dead. I like men ,and men like me. But I can stand the twaddling bossy impudence of the people who run this world.
That why I can get on. I hate the impudence of money ,and I hate the impudence of class. So in the world as it is ,what have I to offer a woman `But why offer  ? anything It not a bargain.
 ?It just that we love one another , she said. `Nay ,nay It more than that. Living is  !Moving and moving on. My life won go down the proper gutters ,it just won So I a bit of a waste ticket by myself.
And I no business to take a woman into my life ,unless my life does something and gets somewhere ,inwardly at least ,to keep us both fresh. A man must offer a woman some meaning in his life ,if it going to be an isolated life ,and if she a genuine woman.
I can be just yo Ur male concubine. `Why not  ?She said. `Why ,because I can And you would soon hate it. `As if you couldn trust me said. The grin flickered , she on his face.
`The money is yours ,the position is yours ,the decisions will lie with you. I not just my Lady fucker ,after all. `What else are you  ?May well ask. It `You no doubt is invisible.
Yet I something to myself at least. I can see the point of my own existence ,though I can quite understand nobody else seeing it. `And will your existence have less point ,if you live with me He paused a long  ? time before replying: `It might.
She too stayed to think about it. `And what is the point of your existence  ?`I tell you ,it invisible. I don believe in the world ,not in money ,nor in advancement ,nor in the future of our civilization.
If there got to be a future for humanity ,there have to be a very big change from what now is. `And what will the real Future have to be like  ? `God knows I can feel something  !Inside me ,all mixed up with a lot of rage.
But what it really amounts to ,I don know. `Shall I tell you  ? she said ,looking into his face. `Shall I tell you what you have that other men don have ,and that will make the future  ?Shall I tell you  ? `Tell me then he replied.
`It the ,courage of your own tenderness ,that what it is: like when you put your hand on my tail and say I got a pretty tail. The grin came flickering on his face. `That said.
Then he sat he  !Thinking. `Ay  ! he said. `You right. It that really. It that all the way through. I knew it with the men. I had to be in touch with them ,physically ,and not go back on it.
I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender to them ,even if I put em through hell. It a question of awareness ,as Buddha said. But even he fought shy of the bodily awareness ,and that natural physical tenderness ,which is the be St ,even between men  ;in a proper manly way.
Makes really manly ,not so monkeyish. Ay  !It tenderness ,really  ;it cunt-awareness. Sex is really only touch ,the closest of all touch. And it touch we afraid of. We only half-conscious ,and half alive.
We got to come alive and aware. Especially the English have got to get into touch with one another ,a bit delicate and a bit tender. It our crying need. She looked at him.
`Then why are you afraid of me she said. He looked  ? at her a long time before he answered. `It the money ,really ,and the position. It the world in you. `But isn there tenderness in me  ? she said wistfully.
He looked down at her ,hollister uk,with darkened ,abstract eyes. `Ay  !It comes AN goes ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,like in me. `But can you trust it between you and me  ? she asked ,gazing anxiously at him. She saw his face all softening down ,losing its armour.
`Maybe  !He said. They were both silent. `I want you to hold M E in your arms said. `I want you , she to tell me you are glad we are having a child. She looked so lovely and warm and wistful ,his bowels stirred towards her.
`I suppose we can go to my room said. `Though it scandalous , he again. But she saw the forgetfulness of the world coming over him again ,his face taking the soft ,pure look of tender passion.
They walked by the remoter streets to Coburg Square ,where he had a room at the top of the house ,an attic room where he cooked for himself on a gas ring. It was small ,but decent and tidy.
She took off her things ,and made him do the same. She was lovely in the soft first flush of her pregnancy. `I ought to leave you alone , he said. `No she  !Said. `Love me  !Love me ,and say you keep me.
Say you keep me Say you never let  !Me go ,to the world nor to anybody. She crept close against him ,clinging fast to his thin ,strong naked body ,the only home she had ever known.
`Then I Keep thee said. `If tha wants , he it ,then I keep thee. He held her round and fast. `And say you glad about the child , she repeated. `Kiss it Kiss my womb and ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>!Say you glad it there.
But that was more difficult for him. `I a dread of puttin children I th world , he said. `I such a dread o th future for `But you put it into me. Be tender to it ,and that will be its future already.
Kiss it He quivered  ! ,because it was true. `Be tender to it ,and that will be its future,hollister madrid. that moment he felt a sheer love for the woman. He kissed her belly and her mound of Venus ,to kiss close to the womb and the foetus within the womb.
`Oh ,you love me  !You love me  ! she said ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,in a little cry like one of her blind ,inarticulate love cries. And he went in to her softly ,feeling the stream of tenderness flowing in release from his bowels to hers ,the bowels of compassion kindled between them.
And he realized as he wen T into her that this was the thing he had to do ,to e into tender touch ,without losing his pride or his dignity or his integrity as a man.
After all ,if she had money and means ,and he had none ,he should be too proud and honourable to hold back his tenderness from her on that account. `I stand for the touch of bodily awareness between human beings , he said to himself ,`and the touch of tenderness.
And she is my mate. And it is a battle against the money ,and the machine ,and the insentient ideal monkeyishness of the world. And she will stand behind me there. Thank God I got a Thank woman  !God I got a woman who is with me ,and tender and aware of me.
Thank God she not a bully ,nor a fool. Thank God she a tender ,aware woman. And as his seed sprang in her ,his soul sprang towards her too ,in the creative act that is far more than procreative.
She was quite determined now that there should be no parting between him and her. But the ways and means were st Ill to settle. `Did you hate Bertha Coutts she asked him.
`Don ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>? talk to me about her,hollister uk. `Yes You must let me.  !Because once you liked her. And once you were as intimate with her as you are with me. So you have to tell me. Isn it rather terrible ,when you been intimate with her ,to hate her so  ?Why is it  ?Don know.
She sort `I of kept her will ready against me ,always ,always: her ghastly female will: her freedom A woman ghastly freedom  !That ends in the most beastly bullying  !Oh she always kept her freedom ,against me ,like vitriol in my face.
`But she not free of you even now. Does she still love you  ? `No ,no If she not free of  !Me ,it because she got that mad rage ,she must try to bully me. `But she must have loved you.
`No in specks she did.  !Well ,She was drawn to me. And I think even that she hated. She loved me in moments. But she always took it back ,and started bullying. Her deepest desire was to bully me ,and There was no altering her.
Her will was wrong ,from the first,hollister. `But perhaps she felt you didn really love her ,and she wanted to make you. `My God ,it was bloody making. `But you didn really love her ,did you  ?You did her that wrong,hollister madrid.
`How could I  ?I began to. I began to love her. But somehow ,she always ripped me up. No ,don let talk of it. It was a doom ,that was. And she was a doomed woman. This last time ,I have shot her like I shoot a stoat ,if I but been allowed: a raving ,doomed thing in the shape of a woman If only I could have shot  !Her ,and ended the whole misery It ought to be  !Allowed.
When a woman gets absolutely possessed by her own will ,her own will set against everything ,then it fearful ,and she should be shot at last. `And shouldn men be shot at last ,if they get possessed by their own will  ? `Ay ---the same  !!But I must get free of her ,or she be at me again.
I wanted to tell you. I must get a divorce If I possibly can. So we must be careful,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister madrid</a>. We mustn really be seen together ,you and I. I never ,never could stand it if she came down on me and you.
Connie pondered this. `Then we can be together she said. `Not for  ? six months or so. But I think my divorce will go through in September  ;then till March. `But the baby will probably be born at the end of February said.
He was silent. , she `I could wish the Cliffords and Berthas all dead he said. `It not being , very tender to she said. `Tender to them ,them  ?Yea ,even then the tenderest thing you could do for them ,perhaps ,would be to give them death.
They can live They only frustrate life.  !Their souls are awful inside them. Death ought to be sweet to them. And I ought to be allowed to shoot them. `But you wouldn do it ,she said.
`I would though  !And with less qualms than I shoot a weasel. It anyhow has a prettiness and a loneliness. But they are legion. Oh ,I shoot Them. `Then perhaps it is just as well you daren `Well.
Connie had now plenty to think of. It was evident he wanted absolutely to be free of Bertha Coutts. And she felt he was right. The last attack had been too grim.---This meant her living alone ,till spring.
Perhaps she could get divorced from Clifford. But how If Mellors were named  ?,then there was an end to his divorce. How loathsome  !Couldn one go right away ,to the far ends of the earth ,and be free from it all  ?One could not.
The far ends of the world are not five minutes from Charing Cross ,nowadays. While the wireless is active ,there are no far ends of the earth. Kings of Dahomey and Lamas of Tibet listen in to London and New York.
Patience  !Patience  !The world is a vast and ghastly intricacy of mechanism ,and one has to be very wary ,not to get mangled by it. Connie confided in her father. `You see ,Father ,he was Clifford game-keeper: but he was an officer in the army I N India.
Only he is like Colonel C. E. Florence ,who preferred to become a private soldier again. Sir Malcolm ,however ,had no sympathy with the unsatisfactory mysticism of the famous C.
E. Florence. He saw too much advertisement behind all the humility. It looked just like the sort of conceit the knight most loathed ,the conceit of self-abasement. `Where did your game-keeper spring from asked Sir Malcolm irritably.
 ? `He was a collier son in Tevershall. But he absolutely presentable. The knighted artist became more angry. `Looks to me like a gold-digger said. `And you a , he pretty easy gold-mine ,apparently.
`No ,Father ,it not like that. You know if you saw him. He a man. Clifford always detested him for not being humble. `Apparently he had a good instinct ,for once. What Sir Malcolm could not bear was the scandal of his daughter having an intrigue with a game-keeper.
He did not mind the intrigue: he minded the scand Al. `I care nothing about the fellow. He evidently been able to get round you all right. But ,by God ,think of all the talk.
Think of your step-mother how she take it  ! `I know ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>, said Connie. `Talk is beastly: especially if you live in society. And he wants so much to get his own divorce. I thought we might perhaps say it was another man child ,and not mention Mellors name at all.
`Another man  !What other man `Perhaps Duncan Forbes. He  ? has been our friend all his life. `And he a fairly well-known artist. And he fond of me. `Well I damned  !Poor Duncan  !And what he going to get out of it  ? `I don know.
But he might rather like it ,even. `He might ,might he  ?Well ,he a funny man if he does. Why ,you never even had an affair with him ,have you  ? `No  !But he doesn really want it.
He only loves me to be near him ,but not to touch him. `My God ,what a generation `He would like me  ! most of all to be a Model for him to paint from. Only I never wanted to.
`God help him But he looks down-trodden enough for  !Anything. `Still ,you wouldn mind so much the talk about him  ? `My God ,Connie the bloody ,all contriving  ! `I know  !It sickening  !But what can I do ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>? `Contriving ,conniving  ;conniving ,contriving Makes a man think he  !Lived too long.
`Come ,Father ,if you haven done a good deal of contriving and conniving in your time ,you may talk. `But it was different ,I assure you. `It always different. Hilda arrived ,also furious when she heard of the new developments.
And she also simply could not stand the thought of a public scandal about her sister and a game-keeper. Too ,too humiliating  !`Why should we not just disappear ,separately ,to British Columbia ,and have no scandal said Connie.
But that  ? was no good. The scandal would come out just the same. And if Connie was going with the man ,she better be able to marry hi M. This was Hilda opinion,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister uk</a>. Sir Malcolm wasn sure.
The affair might still blow over. `But will you see him ,Father  ? Poor Sir Malcolm he was by no means  !Keen on it. And poor Mellors ,he was still less keen. Yet the meeting took place: a lunch in a private room at the club ,the two men alone ,looking one another up and down.
Sir Malcolm drank a fair amount of whisky ,Mellors also drank. And they talked all the while about India ,on which the young man was well informed. This lasted during the meal.
Only when coffee was served ,and the waiter had gone ,Sir Malcolm lit a cigar and said ,heartily: `Well ,young man ,and what about my daughter The grin flickered on  ? Mellors face.
`Well ,Sir ,and what about her `You got a baby  ? in her all right. `I have that honour grinned Mellors. `Honour by  ! , Sir Malcolm gave a God  !Little squirting laugh ,and became Scotch and lewd.
,Honour  !How was the going ,eh  ?Good ,my boy ,what  ? `Good  !`I bet it was  !Ha-ha  !My daughter ,chip of the old block ,what I never went back on  !A good bit of fucking ,hollister,myself.
Though her mother ,oh ,holy saints  !Rolled his eyes to He heaven. `But you warmed her up ,oh ,you warmed her up ,I can see that. Ha-ha My blood in  !Her  !You set fire to her haystack all right.
Ha-ha-ha I was jolly glad  !Of it ,I can tell you. She needed it. Oh ,she a nice girl ,hollister,she a nice girl ,and I knew she be good going ,if only some damned man would set her stack on fire  !Ha-ha-ha  !A game-keeper ,eh ,my boy  !Bloody good poacher ,if you ask me.
Ha-ha  !But now ,look here ,speaking seriously ,what are we going to do about it  ?Speaking seriously ,you know  ! Speaking seriously ,they didn get very far. Mellors ,though a little tipsy ,was much the soberer of the two.
He kept the conversation as intelligent as possible: which isn saying much. `So you a game-keeper Oh ,you quite  !Right  !That sort of game is worth a man while ,eh ,what  ?The test of a woman is when you pinch her bottom.
You can tell just by the feel of her bottom if she going to come up all right. Ha-ha  !I envy you ,my boy. How old are you `Thirty-nine. The Knight lifted  ? his eyebrows.
`As much as that Well ,you  !Another good twenty years ,by the look of you. Oh ,game-keeper or not ,you a good cock. I can see that with one eye shut. Not like that blasted Clifford A lily-livered hound with  !Never a fuck in him ,never had.
I like you ,my boy ,I bet you a good cod on Oh ,you  ;you a Bantam ,I can see that. You a fighter. Game-keeper  !Ha-ha ,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister</a>,by crikey ,I wouldn trust my game to you  !But look here ,seriously ,what are we going to do about it  ?The world full of blasted old women.
Seriously ,they didn do anything about it ,except establish the old free-masonry of male sensuality between them. `And look here ,my boy ,if ever I can do anything for you ,you can rely on me.
Game-ke Eper  !Christ ,hollister uk,but it rich  !I like it  !Oh ,I like it  !Shows the girl got spunk. What  ?After all ,you know ,she has her own income ,moderate ,moderate ,but above starvation.
And I leave her what I got. By God ,I will. She deserves it for showing spunk ,in a world of old women. I been struggling to get myself clear of the skirts of old women for seventy years ,hollister,and haven managed it yet.
But you the man ,I can see that. `I glad you think so. They usually tell me ,in a sideways fashion ,that I the monkey. `Oh ,My dear fellow ,they would  !What could you be but a monkey ,to all the old women  ?They parted most genially ,and Mellors laughed inwardly all the time for the rest of the day.
The following day he had lunch with Connie and Hilda ,at some discreet place. `It a very great pity it such an ugly situation all round , said Hilda. `I had a lot o fun out of it he.
`I think you , said might have avoided putting children Into the world until you were both free to marry and have children. `The Lord blew a bit too soon on the spark he.
`I think the , said Lord had nothing to do with it. Of course ,Connie has enough money to keep you both ,but the situation is unbearable. `But then you don have to bear more than a small corner of it ,do you said he.
`If you  ? been in her own class. `Or if I been in a cage at the Zoo. There was silence. `I think , said Hilda ,`it will be best if she names quite another man as co-respondent and you stay out of it altogether.
`But I thought I put my foot right in. `I mean in the divorce proceedings. He gazed at her in wonder. Connie had not dared mention the Duncan scheme to him. `I don follow said.
`We have a , he friend who would probably agree to be named as co-respondent ,so that your name need not appear ,said Hilda. `You mean a man  ? `Of course  ! But she got no other He Lo  ? Oked in wonder at Connie.
`No ,no said hastily. `Only that she  !Old friendship ,quite simple ,no love. `Then why should the fellow take the blame  ?If he had nothing out of you `Some men are chivalrous  ? and don only count what they get out of a woman ,said Hilda.
`One for me ,eh  ?But who the Johnny `A friend whom we  ? known since we were children in Scotland ,hollister uk,an artist. `Duncan Forbes he said at once  ! ,for Connie had talked to him.
`And how would you shift the blame on to him `They could stay together  ? in some hotel ,or she could even stay in his apartment. `Seems to me like a lot of fuss for nothing said.
`What else do , he you suggest said Hilda. `If your  ?Name appears ,you will get no divorce from your wife ,who is apparently quite an impossible person to be mixed up with.
`All that he said grimly. There  ! was a long silence. `We could go right away said. `There is no , he right away for Connie , sai D Hilda. `Clifford is too well known.
Again the silence of pure frustration. `The world is what it is. If you want to live together without being persecuted ,you will have to marry. To marry ,you both have to be divorced.
So how are you both going about it He was silent for  ? a long time. `How are you going about it for us he said. `We will  ? see if Duncan will consent to figure as co-respondent: then we must get Clifford to divorce Connie: and you must go on with your divorce ,and you must both keep apart till you are free.
`Sounds like a lunatic asylum. `Possibly And the world would  !Look on you as lunatics: or worse.  ;`What is worse  ? `Criminals ,I suppose. Hope I can plunge in ,the dagger a few more times yet , he said ,grinning.
Then he was silent ,and angry. `Well he said at last.  ! `I agree to anything. The world is a raving idiot ,and no man can kill it: though I do my best. But you re right.
We must rescue ourse Lves as best we can. He looked in humiliation ,anger ,weariness and misery at Connie. `Ma lass he said. `The world  ! goin to put salt on thy tail.
`Not if we don let it said. She minded this , she conniving against the world less than he did. Duncan ,when approached ,also insisted on seeing the delinquent game-keeper ,so there was a dinner ,this time in his flat: the four of them.
Duncan was a rather short ,broad ,dark-skinned ,taciturn Hamlet of a fellow with straight black hair and a weird Celtic conceit of himself. His art was all tubes and valves and spirals and strange colours ,ultra-modern ,yet with a certain power ,even a certain purity of form and tone: only Mellors thought it cruel and repellent.
He did not venture to say so ,for Duncan was almost insane on the point of his art: it was a personal cult ,a personal religion with him,<a href="" target="_blank">hollister uk</a>. They were looking at the pictures in the studio ,and Duncan kept his smallish brown eyes on the other man.
He wanted to hear what the game-keeper would say. He knew already Connie and Hilda opinions. `It is like a pure bit of murder , said Mellors at last  ;a speech Duncan by no means expected from a game-keeper.
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    • <1> gathered again since graduation.What a nice gathering!Over the students’life nearly one year,some topic I always think about,just study,career,life,family,friends or even more.It’s perhaps no answers but the time.time will give the answers as long as it isnot too late.
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