Lukas Peter Bible
From The Extended Group
The Lukas Peter Bible was created by Kevin on AOL Instant Messenger during conversations with Lukas. The goal of the project was to summarize the events of Summer 2003, using a Biblical context and literary style (inexplicably). It was based on various parables and sections found in the New Testament, with spiritual messages and descriptive scenery replaced with references pertinent to the group. Lukas Peter is depicted as Jesus Christ, while other various group members play the roles of the the Apostles.
Contents |
Scene 1: Unnamed
- Scene: Brett, Jamie, Jeremy, Kevin, Gavin, Rama, Jason, Terry, Stuart, Andy, Jordan, Owen, surround Lukas.
When evening came, Lukas was eating Wendy's with the Twelve, And while they were eating, he said "I tell you the truth. One of you will refuse to hang out with me this weekend." They were very sad and begin to say to him, "Surely not I, Lukas!". Lukas replied, "The one who has dipped his chicken nugget in sweet and sour sauce at the same time as I will refuse to go to SPU. Lukas will stay in his dorm, just as it is written about him. But woe is to the friend who betrays Lukas! It would be better for him if he had not been born.". Then Jeremy, the one who would betray him, said, "Surely not I...Lukas?". Lukas answered, "Oh uh...actually yeah, I think it's you, Jeremy."
The Request of Andy and Jamie
- Then Andy and Jamie, the sons of the UW, came to him. "Lukas,", they said, "We want you to do for us what we ask.".
"What do you want me to do for you?", Lukas asked. They replied, "Let one of us date a cute girl from the right side of your dorm, and the other a cute girl from the left side of your dorm.". "Hey come on, you have no idea what you are asking", Lukas said. "Can you drink from my purified water filter, or shower in the Ashton Six bathroom?". "We can", they answered. Lukas said to them, "You will drink from the water filter I drink from, and shower in the same bathroom I shower in, but to date a cute girl from the right or left side of my dorm is not for me to grant. Those girls belong to the Youth Group All-Stars for whom they were prepared." When the other ten heard about this, they became indignant with Andy and Jamie. Lukas called them together and said, "Hey wait, you know that those who live in the dorms at UW lord it over to them, and their RA's exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must walk to me to the Safeway on Queen Anne, and whoever wants to walk with me must forget that he has driven to SPU. For even Lukas himself did not come to be hung out with, but to hang out with, so that all of us may eat good food."
Lukas' Sorrow for Shoreline
- At that time some of the popular kids from Shorewood came to Lukas and said to him, "Leave this place, and go somewhere else. The Shoreline City council wants to arrest you for setting off bottle rockets."
Lukas replied, "Go tell that jerk, 'I will take people into my house who were kicked out of Jeremy's house for being too loud and waking his parents up, today and tomorrow, and on the third day I will reach my goal. In any case, I must keep going today and tomorrow and the next day--for surely no one in the Peter family can be arrested outside of Shoreline!". "Oh shoreline, come on! I'll killya! You who arrest people who make crude pipe bombs for fun and frisk people at the sunset playground, how often have I longed to hang out with your children, as Terry collects magic cards, but you were not willing! Look, your house isn't fun to hang out in at all. I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, "Blessed is he who offers to drive us all to Tasty Thai, and then to That one Park by Terry's House."
Lukas Feeds the Entire Dorm Floor
- Lukas left there and went along to SPU. Then he took the elevator up to the sixth floor and sat on his couch to listen to Finch. Basically everyone from his floor came over to ask him to play halo, bringing even that guy who never comes out of his room, the black guy, and even Mike, and many others, and he laid them at his feet and let them watch TV with him. The people were amazed when they saw that the one jerk who never talks to anyone was getting along with others, and that the black guy hadn't become narcoleptic. And they praised all people over six foot three.
Lukas called his friends on the phone and said "Uh hey, these guys are really cool, but they've been hanging out with me for the past three days and we dont have anything to eat. I dont want to send them away hungry, or they will collapse on their way back to their rooms." So then Rama answered, "Whaaat? There's no way we could get enough food to feed that many people, come on, it's too expensive." "How much money do you have?" Lukas asked. "$7", all the floormates responded, "and some easy mac." He told everyone to sit down on the ground. Then he took their money, and walked to that one Safeway on Queen Anne, and got some chips, and then passed them around to his friends, who then gave them to his floormates. They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward his friends looked in his cupboard and saw a bunch of popcorn packets and cup o noodles, and cooked them in the lounge. The number of those who ate included his entire floor, besides the cute girls on the other side of the dorm building. After Lukas sent everyone out of his room, he got into his car to go pick up his laundry from his house.
Lukas Predicts Getting Shot in the Thigh With a Rocket
- From that time on Lukas began to explain to his friends that he must go back to his house and will probably end up hurting himself with a crude rocket he'd make with Elias, seeing how he didn't have proper rigging to pull off an actual rocket launch, and after three hours at the hospital he'd be stitched back up and could hang out again.
Gavin took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Come on!" he said. "That won't happen!" Lukas turned and said to Gavin, "Hey come on you jerk! You're just dont want me to make my own explosives; you dont have in mind things that are really cool, but the things that aren't cool at all." Then Lukas said to his friends, "If anyone wants to call me, he needs to forget about who he planned to hang out with earlier in the day and get some money so we can go eat out somewhere. I feel like Teriyaki. For whoever wants to hang out with me will do so for the entire day, but whoever doesn't hang out with me I wont even be able to call back. What good will it be for any of you if he gets an entire summer off, but doesn't even hang out the whole day? What can a man give in exchange for a whole summer off? For I'm hanging out with you so we can go to the Ozma concert, and will pay me back later depending on how much the concert costs. I tell you the truth, some people here won't give me one cent before they see Ozma when they play at Graceland in a few hours."
Signs of the End of the Summer
- Lukas left his house and was walking out of Jeremy's house, when the rest of the guys came up to him to call attention to Jeremy's room. "Do you see his house?", he asked. "I tell you the truth, not one of those lights will come back on when we drive back here later tonight; no one will appear to be home."
As Lukas was sitting on the field at that one park by Terry's house, the guys came up to him privately. "Come on, tell us," they said, "when is summer really going to be over, and when will we have to all leave and go back to school again?" Lukas rubbed his chin and answered, "Hmm, make sure no one tells you that I'm going back before the UW starts, cause we both go back at the same time. For many will come saying "Lukas already went back", and will trick many people. You will hear of bands and rumors of bands being started, but see to it that you aren't alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end of summer is still to come. Each one of you will rise against each other, not wanting to do anything because you'll be stuck inside studying. There will be no more hanging out on weekdays, and there will be no more sleeping in. All these are the begining of college. Then you will be handed over to the schools, who will give you a lot of homework, and they'll be real jerks about grades. At that time many will turn away from wanting to hang out with me, and will stop talking to each other, and many live journals will deceive many people. Because of this increase of jerks, the warm food from Gwinn Commons will grow cold, but he who still hangs out with me sometimes on the weekends will be saved. And then we can keep hanging out for the rest of the year, until next summer, when we have to go back to college again. Dangit. So when you see standing outside my house "the jerks who dont wanna go eat pho", spoken of through Jason--let that person understand--let those who live in Shoreline flee to Spokane, and to Georgia. Let no one into Terry's downstairs without going through the garage. Let no one at that one park by Terry's play frisbee. How dreadful it will be in those days for people who don't have enough money to buy Thai Food! Pray that Jamie will get another person to go with him to school so he can park at the UW. For then there he'll be really pissed, unequaled from the begining of the world until now--and never be equaled again. If the summer were not cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of those who stay in Shoreline they will be shortened. At that time if anyone says to you, "Look, Lukas is home!", or "There he is!", do not believe it. For fake Lukases and people who are too busy to hang out will appear and buy you lunch so that you will have to pay them back at some other inconvenient time--if that were possible. See, I have told you ahead of time. So if anyone tells you, "There he is, walking by Jamie's house!", do not go out; or "Here he is, in the downstairs on the internet", do not believe it. For as the fact that the one candle in Jamie's car continues to omit sweet smells because the residue has sublimated over time, so will I come back from college. Wherever you've left any of your teriyaki over, If you want you can give it to me and I'll eat the rest of it. Immediately after the distress of those days
'Jamie will start wearing beanies, and he will no longer laugh. Jeremy wont ever want to hang out, and Gavin will only be communicable through radio.'
At that time, the sign of Lukas will appear on the caller ID, and everyone who used to hang out with us during the summer will wanna do something. They'll see me coming in my silver car, listening to Rage, with power and great glory. And then everyone, from every corner of shoreline, will want to come, and we'll all get in and go to the U-Village QFC. Now learn this lesson from Cara. As soon as Milo starts shedding his fur, and it starts falling all over the house so I have to vacuum it up, you know that summer is near. Even so, when you see all those things, you know that the quarter is almost over so we can all hang out. I tell you the truth, you guys wont come back until all these things have happened. Jason and Gavin will be on their planes by the time we're ready to hang out."
