Welcome to Hogwarts

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What if this person attended Hogwarts?

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"Oh hi Harry."

"What's happening?"

"You know that new student, Bruce?"

"Not really. Doesn't speak much."

"Well, Draco just found out his parents were Muggles, and called them 'filthy mudbloods' to Bruce's face during lunchtime."

"So Bruce grabs Malfoy, and drags him here."

"And he's been sticking Draco's head down the loo ever since?"

"Only after finding out which loo Hagrid was using first."

"Aren't you two going to do something?"

"We tried. 'mine and me tried. We searched the entire school, but nobody had a camera."

"Potter, if you don't get me one for my birthday next week I swear ..."

"Now then, Victor ... "

"Professor."

"I wanted to have a little talk about ..."

"What I did to Draco Malfoy?"

"I'm afraid so."

"He insulted my mother."

"I see."

"The exact phrase was 'worthless Gypsy trash'. I offered him the chance to apologise, but he continued his slander. Clearly action had to be taken."

"And what led you to ... the actions you took?"

"At first I decided to crucify him."

"You mean, embarrass him in front of the other students?"

"No."

"Oh."

"I noticed some of the discarded support beams when you repaired part of the east wing, that gave me the idea. And there's lots of nails available in ..."

"Yes, yes. And why did you thankfully abandon this course of action?"

"I do not need martyrs ... not yet. There was no guarrantee he'd be found in time after spending half the night on the Quiddich field."

"Right ..."

"After putting a sleeping draught into his evening tea, I stripped his clothes off and dragged him into the main hall."

"And that's when you tied him ... naked ... to the dead donkey in a sexually compromising position."

"It felt appropriate considering the insults to my mother, Professor."

"His father was ... concerned, regarding his son found naked in front of Hogwart's student body like that."

"Then he will teach his son better manners in future."

- Adrian Tulberg

Tim Drake, Nightwing, or any other member of the Bat-family:

Draco Malfoy will find it hard to say any spells of sorts with a crushed windpipe.

- Saint 007

Ahh yes Victor please sit down.

You wanted to see me Headmaster?

Yes, yes. I received a note from the warden of Azkabaan Prison this morning.

Really.

Yes. He would like his Dementors back.

Hmmm I wouldn't have thought they could trace that back to me so quickly. Very well he shall have them back tonight.

Why tonight?

Well at the moment I have them chasing Draco through the country side.

"Thank god thats over. Headmaster this is the 5th breech of the hell gate this week. Why are the demons so bent on escape now?"

Dumbledoor fumming, turns toward Harry's owl "Go and find John Constantine and bring him here."

Short time later

John 'You called?"

"Yes, about all of these demonic incurtions this week?"

John "I didn't do it...."

- nanteen

Now this would be a funny scene for Griffindor Marko:

Harry: Where's Cain?

Ron: You mean Juggernaut?

Harry: Juggernaut?

Hermione: That's what he likes to be called, and it fits.

Harry: Why?

Ron: Because what he did to Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle!

Harry: What'd he do?

Ron: Well, you know how they called him a Filthy Mudblood, and how Cain got all mad?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Well, He walked over, grabbed all three by their collars, and dragged them off.

Harry: And what'd he do then?

Ron: Well, Crabbe is currently trying to free his head from a particularly filthy 'loo.

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Goyle's been strung upside down over a particularly nasty patch of man-eating Fly-Traps somewhere in the Forbidden forest, just out of the plants reach.

Harry: And what about Draco?

Hermione: Well, Draco's...

• Draco walks past, wearing a frilly pink dress, his hair magically lengthened and done into pigtails, and wearing make-up, Cain walks behind him, smirking and calling out to gain attention*

Cain: LOOK AT THE BITCH-BOY! EVERYONE COME AND LOOK AT THE BITCH-BOY! BITCH-BOY HERE! EVERYONE POINT AND LAUGH AT THE...

• They walk past and Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst into laughter*

Harry: Damn! Of all the times to not have a camera!

• Dumbledore sits behind his desk and calls the student in, and in walks Lobo, smiling and holding a Twinkie in his teeth, due to him not being allowed cigars*

Dumbledore: Can you please tell me what happened?

Lobo: Well, you see, I was minding my own business, trying to get in good with that girl, Hermione. I was doing good too.

Dumbledore: And then?

Lobo: But here comes that punk bastich, Draco Malfoy.

Dumbledore: Might I refrain you from using such language.

Lobo: Sure thing gramps. Well, there I was, there was Hermione, and here comes Malfoy. And he has the gaul to call her a "Mudblood" and me a piece of gutter trash! So I ask him real polite like to apologize...

Dumbledore: From what I heard you hung him out the Owlery window by the collar of his cloak.

Lobo: Polite-like, threatening, what's the difference. As I was saying, he refused to apologize. So I was going to drop him, but then I smiled and got an idea.

Dumbledore: Why does that frighten me?

Lobo: Didn't frighten me, made me laugh. Anyways, I drag him to the front hall, getting everyone in the school to follow me, then I push him down on the ground, holding him there with my boot. I tell him to kiss Hermione's shoes and beg her forgiveness or else I'd mess him up good.

Dumbledore: and he didn't?

Lobo: Nah! He decides he has pride. So I knock him out, and drag him out to the Quidditch field, and tie him to my Firebolt, nicknamed the SPAZFRAGG666, by his feet. Then I take off his shirt, paint a bullseye on his chest and back. Then I start the broom doing circles around a section of field and I start charging people to fire non-leathal, but still painful, spells at him, 3 sickles a minute. That Harry kid paid me a few galleons for him, Hermione, and Ron to take pot-shots at him. I think they're still out there, I got that kid... Neville, to take money from people shooting, using Crabbe and Goyle as enforcers. Real nice guys when you show then they don't have to listen to that asshole Malfoy.

Dumbledore: I see. Oh, and we retrieved Malfoy's Nimbus 2001 from Snape.

Lobo: Ya did?

Dumbledore: Quite frankly, Madame Pomfrey's quite amazed how far you managed to jam it up there that far.

Lobo: And they thought he had a real stick up his ass before...

- The Dog