Funny Short Stories

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'''- Adrian Tulberg'''
'''- Adrian Tulberg'''
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8:00 PM. Midtown Manhatten.
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A nondescript van pulled up outside a brightly light building. The skull-chested man inside glanced up at the structure's neon sign. "Hardwood's". Funny place for a drug deal to go down, but druggies were an odd bunch. Frank Castle briefly pondered why Spider-Man, of all people, had tipped him off to this incident. The webslinger didn't see eye to eye with Castle about...well, anything. Even their taste in movies was different. Maybe the bug's beginning to come around..
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8:05 PM
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The door slammed open with great force.
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"OK, Slimebags! Drop the weapons and some of you might live!"
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It was a lie, of course. But Frank Castle's military experience had taught him that it was easier to shoot people who didn't shoot back.
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"Hey ladies! The entertaiment has arrived!"
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What the..
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The Punisher's eye's briefly scanned the room. All the figures he recognized, but none of them were exactly criminals. Black Cat. Invisible Woman. Black Widow. Crystal. Elektra. Jean Grey. And She-Hulk.
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(Didn't the society pages say She-Hulk was getting married?)
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Christ. This wasn't a drug deal. It was a goddamn bachelorette par...
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Before Castle could finish the thought, he was swarmed by a mob of spandex and superbabes.
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"Come on baby. Why don't you show me your weapons?"
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"Do a little dance, cutie. Pretend you're dodging bullets!"
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"I used to be a thie you know. I think you might have to punish me!"
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9:15 PM
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A battered, weary Frank Castle dragged himself into his battlevan. His clothes were torn, and his holsters had been filled with dolalr bills. He had seen violence in his day-depravity, and deranged people of all sorts. But this was a whole new level. He shuddered. Some of the things the ladies had said-even his platoon mates back in the Marines would have blushed. Elektra yes-but Sue Richards was a married woman!
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Castle flipped open a notepad.
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"War Journal suppliment #1: be sure to "thank" Spider-Man for the "tip" next time we meet."
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Castle thought for a second, then resumed writing.
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"Also, I think Elektra wrote her phone number on my inner thigh. Copy it down before I shower tonight."
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'''- Atomic Horror'''
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A Nightclub. Several police cars are parked around it, possibly due to the door being blown off it's hinges from a force from the inside. Guy Gardner and Booster Gold are on the roof, looking at a distant point in the sky, Gardner using a ring-generated telescope. Superman, carrying Batman, land next to them.
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Batman: Status report!
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Guy Gardner: We've just discovered that bar mixes their drinks with diet soda.
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Superman: And Mary ... ?
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Booster Gold: ... is not a happy drunk.
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Batman pulls out a pair of high powered binoculars, and looks to the sky.
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Batman: Has anyone discussed the virtues of being a positive influence with Ms. DeCosta?
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Booster Gold: Looks like it's just the hair-pulling stages so far ... and ... oh god ...
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Batman: What?
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Superman: Mary pulled off Power Girl's top.
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Everyone is silent for half a minute.
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Guy Gardner: God, forgive for ever doubting you.
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Batman: Break them up before it escalates.
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Booster Gold: Wha ...? But ... Top! Off!
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Guy Gardner: Give me one good reason, batboy.
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Batman: In a melee situation like that, there's no telling where ... or what ... you can grab.
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Guy Gardner: You're a genius!
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Booster and Guy fly off, both trying to outrace the other.
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Superman: And what's going to happen when Power Girl finds out you told Guy to feel her up?
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Batman: I'll tell her I wanted to give her a good reason to hurt Guy.
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Something lands on Batman's head - Power Girl's torn top.
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'''- Adrian Tulberg'''
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The Joker's cackle filled the dark warehouse, the spotlight above making him the center of attention as he always preferred during the hero's entrance.
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"Ah! So Bats got himself another Robin! Blond again? I think I've stumbled onto his type!"
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The blond Robin merely grinned, stepping into the light. Joker could note the whisker-like marks on his cheeks and raised an elegant eyebrow.
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"What the-Are you trying to play Tweetie and Sylvester? Cat-Robin doesn't exactly roll off the tongue!"
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"Actually, they're birthmarks," the new Robin explained, grin widening as his fingers formed a cross. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"
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Joker was faced with not one, but two-dozen Robins now. He kept up his grin despite the beads of sweat developing on his brow.
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"Er, well... Eh heh... Looks like I get to up my number of Robins to kill, hm?"
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"We don't think so! ROBIN RENDAN!"
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Batman continued to observe the fight from a skylight above, and smirked ever so slightly as the Joker was kicked into the air. Batman met his gaze just before the real Robin slammed his foot into the Clown Prince of Crime's stomach and sent him crashing to the hard floor below.
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Best. Sidekick. Ever.
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'''- AJ Talon'''
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Cyclops and Jean Grey are invited to dinner by She-Hulk.
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Cyclops: I'm not bieng negative hunny bunch, I just hope that the not so Jolly Green Giant isn't there is all. Remember what he did to our thanksgiving dinner?
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Jean: Relax Scott, for me, okay?
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*Scott grumbles in agreement as they reach the apartment and dinner begins, much to Scott's horror with Hulk and Juggernaut there.*
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Jean: --Yea, so in the end Scott was just all sore about it.
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She-Hulk: Men...
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Hulk: Pass the salt plea--
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Scott: Hey, what about men?
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She-Hulk: You don't know when to stop is what's about them
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Hulk: Pass the salt please...
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Juggernaut: You never tell me to stop *wink*
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She-Hulk: Oh my god Cain, shut up. That was one night
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Cyclops: A lot of us know when to stop, not my fault you find all the men who don't.
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She-Hulk: Well it speaks for a majority of your gender
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Juggernaut: One night you couldn't stop screaming. You orgasmed what eight times? Eh? Eh? Eh? *nudges She-Hulk with his elbow*
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She-Hulk: Cain!! This is not an approriate conversation for the table.
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Hulk: Could I get the salt please?
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Scott (mumbling): I told you this was a bad idea
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Jean (whispering): Just stick it out for me.
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She-Hulk: Who wants desert?
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Hulk: What the fuck, I haven't even finished my plate yet.
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She-Hulk: Well who's fault is that numbskull?
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Hulk: NO ONE WOULD PASS ME THE SALT!!!
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Juggernaut (still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?
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She-Hulk: SHUT UP CAIN!!!
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Cyclops: *snicker*
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Hulk: WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT ONE EYE? *Pummels Cyclops with a chair*
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Cyclops: Oh god...Ow! What the hell! Jean! Jennifer!!
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Hulk: SHUT UP AND STOP SQUIRMING!!
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She-Hulk: Bruce get off of him!!
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Juggernaut (Still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?
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Jean (Holding Hulk on a wall with her TK): Are you ok Scott?
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Scott: I think my arm is going to be infected..
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Hulk: HAHA, WHO WANTS THE SALT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!?!!
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Scott: Can...we...leave..now..
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Juggernaut (Still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?
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'''- Kholdhearted'''
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Smurf Noir:
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I take another swig of my bottle-Smurfberry Wine. It's crap, but at least it keeps me smurfed. Keeps me from thinking about what happened to Jokey.
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Jokey-he was my partner in the Smurf police for 15 years. Six months ago I walked into his apartment to see his brains all over the wall. Poor son of a Smurf blew his head off with one of his own exploding packages. He left a note, too.."My whole life's been a joke...I guess this is the punchline." I guess all the time he was laughing on the outside, the poor guy was screaming on the inside.
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I quit one week after that, became a private eye. Papa Smurf tried to share one of his little platitudes to get me to stay, but I told him that and five bucks would get me a smurfburger.
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Someone begins to open the door. At first I think it's Hefty, back from leaning on Gargamel. Hefty's about as smart as a bag of sticks, but he's great to have around to do the heavy lifting.
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That's not Hefty, though, unless Hefty suddenly grew a whole lot of blonde hair. It's Smurfette. Half the guys in town want to Smurf her something fierce. From what I hear,most have already. Me? I think she's a bit smurfed in the head. But then again, most dames are...
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-Taken from the lost miniseries Brainy Smurf:P.I.
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'''- Atomic Horror'''
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Haruno Sakura was on a rant today. Something or other, most likely involving either one of her male teammates or sensei, had set her off and she was gonna make know. However, she got off topic after the first five minutes.
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"And you!" She pointed accusingly at Naruto, "And your stupid gender bending jutsu!"
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"Gender bending?" Naruto asked, confused.
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"Yeah! You turn into a sexy girl, or didn't you realize that, baka!?"
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"Well, I knew that, but how does that gender bend?"
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"BECAUSE YOU'RE A BOY!!!"
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"No, I'm not."
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"..."
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"..."
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"..."
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All eyes were on Naruto. Sasuke was broken his brooding, his normal frown now twisted into a gape. Kakashi usually half-lidded eye was widened in surprise.
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"What?"
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"You... you're a girl?" Kakashi managed.
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"Kakashi-sensei, listen to my voice. Does this high-pitch honestly sound like a boy's? And my face. Does this sweet little face look like a boy's?" He... or she said with a hint of arrogance in his or her tone.
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"But... your crush on Sakura?" Sasuke asked, Sakura nodding her approval to the question.
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"Oh, poor Sasuke-teme. Not such a genius after all, eh? It's called being a lez-bee-an."
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"And... and your Sexy Jutsu?" Sakura asked.
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"Does exactly as it says. Makes me sexy."
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"But you don't even look like a girl!" Sakura portested, regaining her composure.
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"Well, suuure, you can't see you figure under this jacket and pants. Some of us don't like needlessly showing off. Next you'll be telling my Hinata must be a boy cause you can't see her figure under her jacket!"
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"I.... see..." Kakashi murmured.
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Meanwhile, far enough to hide yet near enough to hear...
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"That's... that's kinda hot," The Hyuuga Heiress murmured.
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'''- God of Awesome'''

Current revision as of 19:04, 4 August 2007

A thread dedicated to funny short stories, plain and simple.


[edit] Examples

In order of appearance:



So Spider-Man and Superman walk into a bar, and Spidey notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table.

"Hey Supes" he says, "Check out the hottie in the corner."

Supes takes a look at the woman and says, "Meh."

"'Meh'? Whaddaya mean 'meh'?" Spidey says "That chick's smokin' hot!"

Supes shrugs and says "I've seen better."

Spidey scans the room for another pretty lady, and finds one at another table.

"Ok ok, how about that one?" asks Spidey

Superman turns around to look at the woman and says "Mmmmeh."

"Aw what!? C'mon!" Spidey shouts "She's even hotter than the last one!!"

"I've seen better." Supes says again.

"Fine. I'll find the hottest girl in this WHOLE bar, and THEN I'll get her number!"

"Whatever" says Supes.

Spidey does one more scan of the room and finds the hottest, most smokin' lookin' chick in the bar, and gives Supes a heads up.

"I'm gonna go get this chick's phone number." Spidey says.

"Hey Spidey. Don't you think it's a little odd that we're in a bar together in costume like this? I mean, we don't even exist in the same universe together, let alone go to bars every night. This feels like some kind of setup for a lame joke or some--"

"ZIP IT CLARK!" Spidey shouts "I'm on a roll here!"

Spidey then slowly makes his way to the smokin' hot chick, and then suddenly for no apparent reason .......Thanos and Darkseid show up and kill everyone.

- MaxofSteel


Batman entered the Cave, pulling on his gauntlets. The holiday season was always full of those who had too much to drink and somehow convenient access to sufficiently high rooftops.

Approaching the Garage/Workshop, he spotted something that had no place in his Cave - a Christmas card.

He snagged it, reading the message inside.

"Merry Christmas Bats ... hope you like the present ..."

Batman had rigged the Watchtower teleport system so that it would take three access codes to transport into the Cave's co-ordinate zone.

Wally's writing - sloppier than usual. Diana's favourite brand of perfume, only worn on formal occasions. Logical conclusion, they and one other had gotten drunk enough to ignore basic self preservation, teleport in without asking permission, and leave a present, whatever that was.

Deciding to solve the mystery later, Batman headed for the Car.

And stopped.

Before him was the answer to who else had entered his HQ - Kyle.

Only Kyle had the artistic ability and the equipment (his Ring) to place an airbrushed painting of a naked woman on the front of his Batmobile.

As he stumbled towards his car, he dimly noted that the woman painted in incredible detail looked a lot like Diana if she was a redhead.

Shuffling his car, the sight of 'PIMPMOBILE' painted in electric neon blue on the sides made him slump to his knees ...

Oracle pushed herself into the living room, with Black Canary, Power Girl, Jade, Hawkwoman, Faith and Wonder Woman seated around her new widescreen.

"Okay, Babs, why did you call us over for an emergency girls night?"

The world's greatest hacker held aloft a videotape in triumph.

"Batman did an undercover stint as a pornstar a few years back - and I've got the tape."

Diana snorted most of her Coke out of her nose, splattering the back of the reclining Jade's head.

Hawkwoman's eyes widened. "You're kidding ..."

"He was hunting down a runaway, and since cops don't go quite far enough 'undercover' ..."

Power Girl reached out, snatched the tape out Of Oracle's hand, and tossed it to Canary, who was closest to the VCR.

Barbara wheeled herself into position as the movie started.

The Batman was soon identified as the only male with acting talent (A general consensus was made to interrogate the Dark Knight on his makeup technique and supplies at the earliest opportunity) and a cheer went up when he and a blonde started to perform.

Faith raised an appreciative eyebrow. "Two fingers?"

"What?"

"Her bra catch. Just like that. Good sign."

"Of what?"

"Performance."

"No way."

"Could have just stretched an old bra around the back of a chair, and practiced." Every head turned to Barbara, who shrugged. "Used to babysit a boy who did that a lot."

"What happened to the kid?"

"I ended up dating him."

Jade threw popcorn at Barbara, but was stopped by Hawkwoman. "Shut up! He's going to ..."

"Show the Bat-pole?"

"The Trouser Bat!"

"The ..."

The debate stopped instantly.

Diana made what could only be described as a choked squeak behind her hands.

Faith blinked several times before daring to speak. "This widescreen really makes a difference ..."

Canary nodded, taking a large gulp of soda. "Camera angles. Special lenses."

Barbara made a mental note of the relative size of the actresses hand and jawbone (with the size of a quarter seen earlier as a reference point) made a mental estimate, and reached for a bottle of tequila.

The rest of the scene was watched in silence until Diana made her first observation. "She's either a really good actress, or ..."

"Well, in comparison with those other two times ... it's looking more and more like ... Or."

A chorus of murmured assent filled the air.

When the scene finished, the movie was fast-forwarded, showing that he wasn't in the rest of the movie.

"Well ..." muttered Jade. "That was interesting ..."

"Yes."

"It's going to make working with him a lot more interesting ... right?"

Diana was heading to the bathroom - she wanted to apply makeup for the meeting in a few hours time ...

"I can't believe you're making me do this." stated The Batman.

Diana rolled her neck around, the costume making her feel constricted. "If I lost that bet, what would you have made me do?"

"Your next three votes at the JLA meeting would have copied mine exactly."

Too quick to have been a lie. "What, no making me dust your mansion in an indecent French Maid's outfit?"

"I'll remember that for next time."

"Ready?"

"N-" his reply was cut short as Diana pushed him through the door.

The room full of heroes in Halloween attire turned to see Diana, Ambassador of the Amazons, stop and pose in her outfit - a full replica of the Batman's grey-and-dark-blue outfit, complete with ultility belt and outside-underwear.

Then they saw the Dark Knight, obviously very unhappy, stalk in after her.

Wearing a Robin outfit.

Complete with pixie shoes and green bikini briefs ...

- Adrian Tulberg


Peter Parker and Clark Kent are sitting in a booth in the VIP section. The bar is a bit more crowded then Clark really cares for, as a matter of fact he was sure it was over it’s capacity and is a potential fire hazard. Tomorrow he’ll have to report it.

“Hey! Hey! Are you even listening to me?” Peter asks slightly annoyed.

“Kind of hard not to” Clark says with a roll of his eyes.

“Well like I was saying, you don’t wear a mask right, but no one realizes that your Supe-.” Clark gives him a quick stare and Pete could see his eyes turning red. “Right and the worst part is you’re a reporter, you work with reporters. People who’s job it is to dig and uncover the truth and they can’t tell that your…” Peter catches himself before saying the word “Ahem um him” Clark was about to respond when Matt Murdock came over to the table. Using his cane to ‘find’ a seat next to Pete.

“Hey Matt here is blind and even he can see that you’re the ’boy scout’ ” Pete made the quotation marks with his hands as he said boy scout.

“How many times have I told you not to make fun of my disability? He’s right though it’s pretty obvious.” Matt says as he grabs the pitcher a pours a glass of beer.

“You forgot to play blind” Pete says with a smile. Matt lets out a sigh. Pete could be a real jackass at times.

“I thought Bruce was going to be here” Matt says as he takes a sip of his beer.

“He had some work to do” Clark says

“Work? Man all he ever does is work. He is a candidate for going postal the way he stresses. I can totally see him one day walking into Arkham and just unloading a Uzi in that place. All work and no play” Pete says with a smile. Matt chuckled a little but Clark sat there quietly.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with a little hard work. You should try it sometime” Clark says.

Pete just clutched his chest and said “Oww that really hurt my feelings…sniff…sniff” Clark just scowls at Pete as Matt looks up quickly and smells the air.

“Logan’s here” Matt says taking another sip.

“Well duh even I could smell him. I mean really you’d think a man with enhanced senses would bathe regularly” Pete says and both Matt and Clark laughed at that. Logan walks over to the table puffing away at his cigar.

“Hey Bub my enhanced senses include hearing” Logan says taking a puff and sits down next to Clark. Pete just shrugged.

“What are you going to do? Scratch me with your paws?” Pete says with a chuckle. Logan growls as reaches over grabs the pitcher of beer and starts to drink it while leaving the cigar in his mouth.

“That’s just gross, and have you ever heard of sharing? Like seriously I’m not splitting the bill if you drink all the beer again.” Pete says annoyingly. Logan raises his free hand and pops his middle claw.

“Aww man that’s really clever like I haven’t seen that before” Pete says with a roll of his eyes. A man in a well dressed suit walks over and stands in front of Logan.

“Excuse me Sir but there is no smoking in this establishment. So please could you put that out?” The man says nicely. Logan finishes the last of the pitcher lets out a loud bleach. Both Matt and Clark quickly cover their noses. Logan looks at the man puts up his fist and pops all of his claws. The tip of his claws stop right before the man’s chin.

“Bub I think you’ll make an exception for me” Logan says staring the man down.

“Um…well…yes, yes of course” the gentlemen says hastily and backs away.

“I’m the best at what I do!” Logan says with a smile.

“And what you do is get bad haircuts. I mean really what the hell is that? The guy from Flock of Seagulls had a better hairdo then that” Pete says as Logan just scowls at him.

“Hey Matt isn’t it the worst haircut you have ever seen?” Pete says and Matt just starts tapping his fingers on the table.

“You know Logan you really should put that cigar out” Clark says to Logan in a stern voice.

“Watch it Boy scout before I rip you a new one” Logan says with a grunt.

“Dude your claws aren’t cutting his skin. He’s freaking invincible!” Pete says and Clark nods with a little smile.

“Wanna bet?” Logan says cockily

“Hell yeah! I’ll bet my part of the bill.” Pete says

“I want in on this. If you cut his skin I’ll pay for your share next week” Matt says

“Yeah Logan I’ll take that bet” Clark says

“Hmph free beers and a chance to cut big blue you chumps are on.” Logan says. Clark puts his hand on the table Logan pops his middle claw and slams his fist straight down on Clarks hand. His Claw just bent back and didn’t even leave a mark on Clark’s hand. Logan lifts his hand and stares at it with his mouth wide open. His Cigar drops on his lap and starts to burn his pants. Everyone at the table bust up laughing.

“Dude that’s priceless! ” Pete says still laughing his ass off . The cigar starting a small fire on Logan’s pants, but Logan was still awestruck and wasn’t paying it any mind. Clark quickly opens his mouth and blows a short burst of ice breath at Logan’s pants. Putting out the fire and freezing Logan from his stomach to his knees. Which made both Pete and Matt laugh harder.

“Do you want me to bend it back?” Clark says to Logan trying to hide his smile. Logan scowled for a bit then cursed a little under his breath.

“Yeah” he says with a deal of anger.

“Uh-oh you better watch out Clark he might do a berserker barrage and get all of his claws bent” Pete says laughing so hard that he almost fell off of his chair.

“Well first you have to agree not to smoke on our night outs” Clark says with a smile.

“Grrr…fine…” Logan says

“Second you have to address me as Sir” Clark says prompting more laughter from Pete. Logan let out another grunt then reluctantly nodded. “I’m sorry what was that?” Clark asks

“Yes fine whatever” Logan says

“Yes what?” Clark asks.

“Grrrrr Yes Sir” Logan says

“Grr I’m the best at what I do!” Pete says imitating Logan “And what I do is get owned by Superman!”

To be continued!

- Holackik


After Darth Sidious and Anakin had killed Mace Windu and the Jedi that had try to help him bring down the dark lord of the Sith. Anakin was in dis-belief about what he had done.

Anakin: My god, what have I done.

Sidious: You did what you had to Anakin.

Anakin: But I killed him, I killed master Windu.

Sidious: You did it for Padme.

Sidious: But now Anakin. I will make you my apprentice.

Anakin: Very well, what must I do my master.

Sidious: *puts his hood on* Go to the temple and kill the Jedi.. all of them

Anakin: Of course my master.

Sidious: We must hurry though. The Jedi have spies everywhere, and will try and stop us.

Anakin: Master?

Sidious: Yes Anakin there are many Jedi. There everywhere you know, why there may even be Jedi in this very room.

Anakin: Master wha-.

Sidious: Why I myself might be a Jedi traitor........ Anakin kill me.

Anakin: What?

Sidious: Kill me Anakin! quickly! do not the Jedi have their victory! Strick me down before its to late!

Anakin: umm..

Sidious: Do it!!

Anakin: Yes my master.

- Kain5252


Electro walked into the Hole in the Wall bar. Some of the patrons were members of Spider-Man's rogues gallery, like Shocker and Scorpion, or were just bad dudes in general, like the Ghost Rider rip-off Vengeance. Some, while ostensibly "heroes", were hardasses like Wolverine and the Punisher. Some were just there to drink or shoot pool or pick up a date.

Somebody started to giggle. The giggle grew to a roar as everyone laughed, yes, laughed uncontrollably at the master of electricity.

Electro didn't even bother to get angry. He just walked over to the bar and asked for a whiskey sour. The bartender, still snickering, complied.

"So, Maxwell," said Venom, "what exactly are those things, anyway?"

Clinging to Electro were what looked like several horseshoe magnets with eyes.

"Don't ask," growled the electrified criminal.

One of the "magnets", however, provided the answer to Venom's question.

"Magneton."

- Radical


Sam Carter noticed her boss at the mess hall. After all, he was the only one with his forehead resting on the tabletop.

"Good morning sir. Daniel."

"Hey Sam."

"Is ... something wrong ...?"

"We went out last night."

"Oh. Water's good for a hangover sir ..."

"I am not hung over Major."

Daniel took a fortifying breath before making the explanation. "We took Data to that new place."

"The kareoke bar?"

"Been there?"

"No, but I've heard it's a good place. Captain Mullens in Procurement said it had a fantastic steak."

"It was good, but I wouldn't say it was fantastic ..."

"Get to the point Jackson."

Daniel looked at O'Neil, then back to Carter. "Data said he'd been getting acclimatised to modern songs, then went up on stage."

Carter felt an impending sense of doom, glacier-like in it's inexorability. "What did he sing, sir?"

The murmur from under O'Niel's head was almost a sob. "My Milkshake Brings All the Boys To The Yard."

"Complete with dance movements from the video."

Carter reached out, and awkwardly patted O'Niel's shoulder. "It'll be okay sir."

"I can never watch it again ..."

Professor Snape stood up at the Judge's table. From time immemorial, whenever a triumvirate of judges were used to determine a talent contestant's abilities, one must be absolutely guarranteed to be an absolute bastard.

Needless to say, he was roped into this little fiasco every year, and forced to listen to whoever in Hogwarts thought they possessed talent.

Although, times like this reduced the pain.

"The Boy Who Lived .... Shouldn't."

Potter lowered the microphone, confused. The audience muttered.

Give it two seconds for the sentence to sink in - then complete it.

"Sing."

Potter blinked, momentarily stunned.

Those who felt an iota of remorse would leave it at that.

"We have been witness to an act of savage butchery. This ..." Snape glanced at the callsheet. "Stevie Wonder has had his 'Isn't She Lovely' brutally tortured and publicly murdered. If it was a person, we would be calling the authorities, not unblocking our ears."

There was a growing mortification in Potter's expression that needed more careful nuturing.

"May I add, that in all my years, as student and teacher in these halls, I can think of no charm, spell or artifact that can solve Mr. Potter's lack of ability, just the judicious application of needle, thread and ..." What was the name of that device? "... a staple gun."

Potter shuffled off the stage, defeated.

Ron Weasley moved up, and took the microphone. Snape wondered wether it was worth the bother to even listen ...

- Adrian Tulberg


8:00 PM. Midtown Manhatten.

A nondescript van pulled up outside a brightly light building. The skull-chested man inside glanced up at the structure's neon sign. "Hardwood's". Funny place for a drug deal to go down, but druggies were an odd bunch. Frank Castle briefly pondered why Spider-Man, of all people, had tipped him off to this incident. The webslinger didn't see eye to eye with Castle about...well, anything. Even their taste in movies was different. Maybe the bug's beginning to come around..

8:05 PM

The door slammed open with great force. "OK, Slimebags! Drop the weapons and some of you might live!" It was a lie, of course. But Frank Castle's military experience had taught him that it was easier to shoot people who didn't shoot back.

"Hey ladies! The entertaiment has arrived!" What the.. The Punisher's eye's briefly scanned the room. All the figures he recognized, but none of them were exactly criminals. Black Cat. Invisible Woman. Black Widow. Crystal. Elektra. Jean Grey. And She-Hulk. (Didn't the society pages say She-Hulk was getting married?) Christ. This wasn't a drug deal. It was a goddamn bachelorette par... Before Castle could finish the thought, he was swarmed by a mob of spandex and superbabes.

"Come on baby. Why don't you show me your weapons?" "Do a little dance, cutie. Pretend you're dodging bullets!" "I used to be a thie you know. I think you might have to punish me!"

9:15 PM

A battered, weary Frank Castle dragged himself into his battlevan. His clothes were torn, and his holsters had been filled with dolalr bills. He had seen violence in his day-depravity, and deranged people of all sorts. But this was a whole new level. He shuddered. Some of the things the ladies had said-even his platoon mates back in the Marines would have blushed. Elektra yes-but Sue Richards was a married woman!

Castle flipped open a notepad.

"War Journal suppliment #1: be sure to "thank" Spider-Man for the "tip" next time we meet."

Castle thought for a second, then resumed writing.

"Also, I think Elektra wrote her phone number on my inner thigh. Copy it down before I shower tonight."

- Atomic Horror


A Nightclub. Several police cars are parked around it, possibly due to the door being blown off it's hinges from a force from the inside. Guy Gardner and Booster Gold are on the roof, looking at a distant point in the sky, Gardner using a ring-generated telescope. Superman, carrying Batman, land next to them.

Batman: Status report!

Guy Gardner: We've just discovered that bar mixes their drinks with diet soda.

Superman: And Mary ... ?

Booster Gold: ... is not a happy drunk.

Batman pulls out a pair of high powered binoculars, and looks to the sky.

Batman: Has anyone discussed the virtues of being a positive influence with Ms. DeCosta?

Booster Gold: Looks like it's just the hair-pulling stages so far ... and ... oh god ...

Batman: What?

Superman: Mary pulled off Power Girl's top.

Everyone is silent for half a minute.

Guy Gardner: God, forgive for ever doubting you.

Batman: Break them up before it escalates.

Booster Gold: Wha ...? But ... Top! Off!

Guy Gardner: Give me one good reason, batboy.

Batman: In a melee situation like that, there's no telling where ... or what ... you can grab.

Guy Gardner: You're a genius!

Booster and Guy fly off, both trying to outrace the other.

Superman: And what's going to happen when Power Girl finds out you told Guy to feel her up?

Batman: I'll tell her I wanted to give her a good reason to hurt Guy.

Something lands on Batman's head - Power Girl's torn top.

- Adrian Tulberg


The Joker's cackle filled the dark warehouse, the spotlight above making him the center of attention as he always preferred during the hero's entrance.

"Ah! So Bats got himself another Robin! Blond again? I think I've stumbled onto his type!"

The blond Robin merely grinned, stepping into the light. Joker could note the whisker-like marks on his cheeks and raised an elegant eyebrow.

"What the-Are you trying to play Tweetie and Sylvester? Cat-Robin doesn't exactly roll off the tongue!"

"Actually, they're birthmarks," the new Robin explained, grin widening as his fingers formed a cross. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

Joker was faced with not one, but two-dozen Robins now. He kept up his grin despite the beads of sweat developing on his brow.

"Er, well... Eh heh... Looks like I get to up my number of Robins to kill, hm?"

"We don't think so! ROBIN RENDAN!"

Batman continued to observe the fight from a skylight above, and smirked ever so slightly as the Joker was kicked into the air. Batman met his gaze just before the real Robin slammed his foot into the Clown Prince of Crime's stomach and sent him crashing to the hard floor below.

Best. Sidekick. Ever.

- AJ Talon


Cyclops and Jean Grey are invited to dinner by She-Hulk.

Cyclops: I'm not bieng negative hunny bunch, I just hope that the not so Jolly Green Giant isn't there is all. Remember what he did to our thanksgiving dinner?

Jean: Relax Scott, for me, okay?

  • Scott grumbles in agreement as they reach the apartment and dinner begins, much to Scott's horror with Hulk and Juggernaut there.*

Jean: --Yea, so in the end Scott was just all sore about it.

She-Hulk: Men...

Hulk: Pass the salt plea--

Scott: Hey, what about men?

She-Hulk: You don't know when to stop is what's about them

Hulk: Pass the salt please...

Juggernaut: You never tell me to stop *wink*

She-Hulk: Oh my god Cain, shut up. That was one night

Cyclops: A lot of us know when to stop, not my fault you find all the men who don't.

She-Hulk: Well it speaks for a majority of your gender

Juggernaut: One night you couldn't stop screaming. You orgasmed what eight times? Eh? Eh? Eh? *nudges She-Hulk with his elbow*

She-Hulk: Cain!! This is not an approriate conversation for the table.

Hulk: Could I get the salt please?

Scott (mumbling): I told you this was a bad idea

Jean (whispering): Just stick it out for me.

She-Hulk: Who wants desert?

Hulk: What the fuck, I haven't even finished my plate yet.

She-Hulk: Well who's fault is that numbskull?

Hulk: NO ONE WOULD PASS ME THE SALT!!!

Juggernaut (still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?

She-Hulk: SHUT UP CAIN!!!

Cyclops: *snicker*

Hulk: WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT ONE EYE? *Pummels Cyclops with a chair*

Cyclops: Oh god...Ow! What the hell! Jean! Jennifer!!

Hulk: SHUT UP AND STOP SQUIRMING!!

She-Hulk: Bruce get off of him!!

Juggernaut (Still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?

Jean (Holding Hulk on a wall with her TK): Are you ok Scott?

Scott: I think my arm is going to be infected..

Hulk: HAHA, WHO WANTS THE SALT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!?!!

Scott: Can...we...leave..now..

Juggernaut (Still nudging She-Hulk): Eh? Eh? Eh?

- Kholdhearted


Smurf Noir:

I take another swig of my bottle-Smurfberry Wine. It's crap, but at least it keeps me smurfed. Keeps me from thinking about what happened to Jokey.

Jokey-he was my partner in the Smurf police for 15 years. Six months ago I walked into his apartment to see his brains all over the wall. Poor son of a Smurf blew his head off with one of his own exploding packages. He left a note, too.."My whole life's been a joke...I guess this is the punchline." I guess all the time he was laughing on the outside, the poor guy was screaming on the inside.

I quit one week after that, became a private eye. Papa Smurf tried to share one of his little platitudes to get me to stay, but I told him that and five bucks would get me a smurfburger.

Someone begins to open the door. At first I think it's Hefty, back from leaning on Gargamel. Hefty's about as smart as a bag of sticks, but he's great to have around to do the heavy lifting.

That's not Hefty, though, unless Hefty suddenly grew a whole lot of blonde hair. It's Smurfette. Half the guys in town want to Smurf her something fierce. From what I hear,most have already. Me? I think she's a bit smurfed in the head. But then again, most dames are...

-Taken from the lost miniseries Brainy Smurf:P.I.

- Atomic Horror


Haruno Sakura was on a rant today. Something or other, most likely involving either one of her male teammates or sensei, had set her off and she was gonna make know. However, she got off topic after the first five minutes.

"And you!" She pointed accusingly at Naruto, "And your stupid gender bending jutsu!"

"Gender bending?" Naruto asked, confused.

"Yeah! You turn into a sexy girl, or didn't you realize that, baka!?"

"Well, I knew that, but how does that gender bend?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A BOY!!!"

"No, I'm not."

"..."

"..."

"..."

All eyes were on Naruto. Sasuke was broken his brooding, his normal frown now twisted into a gape. Kakashi usually half-lidded eye was widened in surprise.

"What?"

"You... you're a girl?" Kakashi managed.

"Kakashi-sensei, listen to my voice. Does this high-pitch honestly sound like a boy's? And my face. Does this sweet little face look like a boy's?" He... or she said with a hint of arrogance in his or her tone.

"But... your crush on Sakura?" Sasuke asked, Sakura nodding her approval to the question.

"Oh, poor Sasuke-teme. Not such a genius after all, eh? It's called being a lez-bee-an."

"And... and your Sexy Jutsu?" Sakura asked.

"Does exactly as it says. Makes me sexy."

"But you don't even look like a girl!" Sakura portested, regaining her composure.

"Well, suuure, you can't see you figure under this jacket and pants. Some of us don't like needlessly showing off. Next you'll be telling my Hinata must be a boy cause you can't see her figure under her jacket!"

"I.... see..." Kakashi murmured.

Meanwhile, far enough to hide yet near enough to hear...

"That's... that's kinda hot," The Hyuuga Heiress murmured.

- God of Awesome

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