Welcome to Hogwarts

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What if this person attended Hogwarts?

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The Defence Against the Dark Arts class was unusually attentive - they'd never had a 'guest speaker' before.

Harry was wondering if he was he was becoming jaded - seeing a large figure wearing biker's leathers, and sporting a flaming skull; a literal, constant inferno was ingulfing the bleached white bone, instead of a head, had only produced a mental oh that's interesting.

"... now Lord Kale will demonstrate his most effective method of defending himself against the Dark Arts."

The ... thing turned, and walked towards the wall - more specifically, a pillar.

The whole class collectively jumped a half inch out of their skins when Kale punched the tree trunk sized solid stone pillar, creating a loud crack, reducing the immediate area to fine powder, and the rest of the pillar to small rocks in a single blow.

The burning skull turned to face the class, it's voice low, raspy, yet as welcome as fingernails on blackboard.

"Any questions?"

"Oh hi Harry."

"What's happening?"

"You know that new student, Bruce?"

"Not really. Doesn't speak much."

"Well, Draco just found out his parents were Muggles, and called them 'filthy mudbloods' to Bruce's face during lunchtime."

"So Bruce grabs Malfoy, and drags him here."

"And he's been sticking Draco's head down the loo ever since?"

"Only after finding out which loo Hagrid was using first."

"Aren't you two going to do something?"

"We tried. 'mine and me tried. We searched the entire school, but nobody had a camera."

"Potter, if you don't get me one for my birthday next week I swear ..."

"Now then, Victor ... "

"Professor."

"I wanted to have a little talk about ..."

"What I did to Draco Malfoy?"

"I'm afraid so."

"He insulted my mother."

"I see."

"The exact phrase was 'worthless Gypsy trash'. I offered him the chance to apologise, but he continued his slander. Clearly action had to be taken."

"And what led you to ... the actions you took?"

"At first I decided to crucify him."

"You mean, embarrass him in front of the other students?"

"No."

"Oh."

"I noticed some of the discarded support beams when you repaired part of the east wing, that gave me the idea. And there's lots of nails available in ..."

"Yes, yes. And why did you thankfully abandon this course of action?"

"I do not need martyrs ... not yet. There was no guarrantee he'd be found in time after spending half the night on the Quiddich field."

"Right ..."

"After putting a sleeping draught into his evening tea, I stripped his clothes off and dragged him into the main hall."

"And that's when you tied him ... naked ... to the dead donkey in a sexually compromising position."

"It felt appropriate considering the insults to my mother, Professor."

"His father was ... concerned, regarding his son found naked in front of Hogwart's student body like that."

"Then he will teach his son better manners in future."

Hogwart's Quiddich Field. Morning. Most of the class is assembled in plain white T-Shirts and shorts, some yawning and/or shivering.

Harry: I thought I escaped this, when I went to Hogwarts.

Heromine: The one class were the teachers called me 'useless' and it follows me.

Ron: What's P.E., anyway?

Harry: Shall we break it to him gently?

Heromine: He can have his innocence shattered like everybody else.

A bizarre figure carrying a gym bag bounds onto the field - wearing a black-and-red spandex suit and a white T-shirt with the slogan 'Killers Do It with a Really Big Gun! Then they Kill You!'

Deadpool: Hi ho subjects of torture! I'm Wade Wilson, your gym coach, or as you freaks from England call it; your ... (holds up fingers in quote gesture) ... P.E. Teacher. You can call me Mr. Wilson, Deadpool, or 'Not the Face! Not the Face!'

Harry and Heromine look at each other while Deadpool continues

Now, I was ... persuaded to come here, when some STUPID F%(#WIT WHO DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS WHACKING A GODDAMN WIZARD! ...

Ron clutches Harry protectively. Harry tries to look as hetrosexual as possible in that situation.

.. left me out to dry. However, I managed to negotiate a sort of work-release program over here showing mini-wizards not to be little butterballs like they are where normal people live.

Heromine: I thought we already had a former-bad-teacher-trying-to-be-good.

Deadpool: You should go to Xavier's when you hit Stateside honey. Then again, maybe I should have. Logan's cigar stash, the Professor's malt whiskey, and a ton of hot honies over eighteen.

Draco: I don't believe it ... we're being taught by a mudblood? They're letting a mudblood on campus? The facilty? When my father ...

Deadpool: (whispering to Harry) Is Peroxide Bitch insulting me?

Harry: Ah, yes.

Deadpool: (Pointing behind them) Look! Elvis!

Everybody turns, even though most of them don't know who Elvis is. An anguished scream fills the still morning air a second later.

When they turn back, they see Draco prone on the ground, holding his knee, while Deadpool is holding a crowbar behind his back.

Deadpool: What, this? (Producing the crowbar) It's ...a ... perfectly legitmate teaching aid, isn't it, blondie?

Draco: Please .. don't ...

Deadpool: It's called Tonya! Say hello Tonya!

Deadpool: (Speaking in a high-pitched, unconvincing girl's voice while moving the crowbar to simulate speaking) Hi kids! I'm Tonya, fresh from America's gold-winning skating rinks to Mr. Wilson's hand! I hope to have a really great time with you, because if you don't, Wade here is going to put me somewhere really uncomfortable! So eat lots of fibre for my sake!

Deadpool: DON'T YOU DARE RAT ME OUT YOU BITCH!

Deadpool turns from the crowbar to the confused and frightened faces of his students

Deadpool: Don't worry, she's only a student teacher.

Deadpool throws the crowbar over his shoulder.

Deadpool: Anyway, let's get started! Now to promote healthy exercise, I'm going to use a special Muggle wand!

While Deadpool rumages around in his gym bag, Ron leans over to Harry

Ron: I didn't know Muggles had wands ...

A demonic sound fills the air as Deadpool produces a large running chainsaw, and is wearing a hockey mask over his normal mask.

Deadpool: ARE WE MOTIVATED YET?

Harry and Heromine have already started running, as the rest of the class start backing off in fear

Ron: You can't .. you ...

Deadpool: Ten fingers off Gryffendor!

Ron: ... don't you mean ... points?

Deadpool: You really walked into that one kid.

Dumbledore's office. Snape is watching the gym class as Dumbledore is calmly taking tea.

Snape: I'm a bit worried about this new teacher ... are all Muggles like this?

Dumbledore: Just certain Americans.

The class are tearing around the field - Harry and Heromine way in front, the bulk of the class behind them, Draco limping as fast as he can while Deadpool is jogging behind, waving his chainsaw while laughing like a B-Grade movie villian. Hagrid is lying on the ground unconscious, a crowbar next to his head revealing the cause of his physical state.

Dumbledore: You'll find he'll serve his purpose.

Snape: Just out of curiousity - has anyone ever tested you for senility?

Dumbledore: Many people. Once.

- Adrian Tulberg

Tim Drake, Nightwing, or any other member of the Bat-family:

Draco Malfoy will find it hard to say any spells of sorts with a crushed windpipe.

- Saint 007

Ahh yes Victor please sit down.

You wanted to see me Headmaster?

Yes, yes. I received a note from the warden of Azkabaan Prison this morning.

Really.

Yes. He would like his Dementors back.

Hmmm I wouldn't have thought they could trace that back to me so quickly. Very well he shall have them back tonight.

Why tonight?

Well at the moment I have them chasing Draco through the country side.

"Thank god thats over. Headmaster this is the 5th breech of the hell gate this week. Why are the demons so bent on escape now?"

Dumbledoor fumming, turns toward Harry's owl "Go and find John Constantine and bring him here."

Short time later

John 'You called?"

"Yes, about all of these demonic incurtions this week?"

John "I didn't do it...."

- nanteen

Now this would be a funny scene for Griffindor Marko:

Harry: Where's Cain?

Ron: You mean Juggernaut?

Harry: Juggernaut?

Hermione: That's what he likes to be called, and it fits.

Harry: Why?

Ron: Because what he did to Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle!

Harry: What'd he do?

Ron: Well, you know how they called him a Filthy Mudblood, and how Cain got all mad?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Well, He walked over, grabbed all three by their collars, and dragged them off.

Harry: And what'd he do then?

Ron: Well, Crabbe is currently trying to free his head from a particularly filthy 'loo.

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Goyle's been strung upside down over a particularly nasty patch of man-eating Fly-Traps somewhere in the Forbidden forest, just out of the plants reach.

Harry: And what about Draco?

Hermione: Well, Draco's...

• Draco walks past, wearing a frilly pink dress, his hair magically lengthened and done into pigtails, and wearing make-up, Cain walks behind him, smirking and calling out to gain attention*

Cain: LOOK AT THE BITCH-BOY! EVERYONE COME AND LOOK AT THE BITCH-BOY! BITCH-BOY HERE! EVERYONE POINT AND LAUGH AT THE...

• They walk past and Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst into laughter*

Harry: Damn! Of all the times to not have a camera!

• Dumbledore sits behind his desk and calls the student in, and in walks Lobo, smiling and holding a Twinkie in his teeth, due to him not being allowed cigars*

Dumbledore: Can you please tell me what happened?

Lobo: Well, you see, I was minding my own business, trying to get in good with that girl, Hermione. I was doing good too.

Dumbledore: And then?

Lobo: But here comes that punk bastich, Draco Malfoy.

Dumbledore: Might I refrain you from using such language.

Lobo: Sure thing gramps. Well, there I was, there was Hermione, and here comes Malfoy. And he has the gaul to call her a "Mudblood" and me a piece of gutter trash! So I ask him real polite like to apologize...

Dumbledore: From what I heard you hung him out the Owlery window by the collar of his cloak.

Lobo: Polite-like, threatening, what's the difference. As I was saying, he refused to apologize. So I was going to drop him, but then I smiled and got an idea.

Dumbledore: Why does that frighten me?

Lobo: Didn't frighten me, made me laugh. Anyways, I drag him to the front hall, getting everyone in the school to follow me, then I push him down on the ground, holding him there with my boot. I tell him to kiss Hermione's shoes and beg her forgiveness or else I'd mess him up good.

Dumbledore: and he didn't?

Lobo: Nah! He decides he has pride. So I knock him out, and drag him out to the Quidditch field, and tie him to my Firebolt, nicknamed the SPAZFRAGG666, by his feet. Then I take off his shirt, paint a bullseye on his chest and back. Then I start the broom doing circles around a section of field and I start charging people to fire non-leathal, but still painful, spells at him, 3 sickles a minute. That Harry kid paid me a few galleons for him, Hermione, and Ron to take pot-shots at him. I think they're still out there, I got that kid... Neville, to take money from people shooting, using Crabbe and Goyle as enforcers. Real nice guys when you show then they don't have to listen to that asshole Malfoy.

Dumbledore: I see. Oh, and we retrieved Malfoy's Nimbus 2001 from Snape.

Lobo: Ya did?

Dumbledore: Quite frankly, Madame Pomfrey's quite amazed how far you managed to jam it up there that far.

Lobo: And they thought he had a real stick up his ass before...

- The Dog

• Death Eaters attacking Hogwarts castle. One wizard in training stands in the way of Snape.

"None shall pass." Some snickers. "Who do you think you are, the goddamn Gandalf?" "None shall pass." "Pity. Avada Kedavra!" Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that! Snape: You'll what? Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Black Knight: Tis merely a flesh wound. Snape: What are you going to do, bleed on me??? Black Knight: I'm invincible!!! Snape: You're a looney. Snape: I tire of your prattle (walks around the Black Knight towards Dumbledore.) Black Knight: Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

(During the battle at the Department of Mysteries; Harry's little group has been pwned, and the Death Eaters, led by Voldemort, are converging. Suddenly, a shadow descended from the ceiling, who Harry recognized as the new transfer student.)

• Boom*

Bellatrix Lestrange goes down with a thud. Lucius Malfoy drew his wand. Pointing it in front of him, he calls out, "Who's there?" A grim, husky voice is heard.

"Before I reveal myself, there are several facts you should know about me. 1. I don't sleep. I wait. and 2. I don't go hunting, since the word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure."

Lucius did not have time to register what happened next. All he knew was, there was a sudden whoosh. Next thing he knew, his head was kicked clean off his body, wherein it broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earheart as she was flying across the Atlantic.

"I go killing."

"In addition, I'm venomous. Those bitten by me will experience the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans..." and, as Rookwood found out, the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Nott, seeing the above events, tried backing away. But soon he felt Voldemort's presence, and had a little feeling of "If I continue backing away, the Dark Lord is going to vape my ass." So he went forward. Straight into the student's beard. The student grinned, and pulled his beard aside. Behind it, was a fist that soon had Nott joining Malfoy.

The student then turned towards Voldemort himself. For an instant, Voldemort felt a slight twinge of fear. He soon regained his composure, however, and cleared his throat.

"Don't you know who I am? I'm the goddamn Voldemort. And I'm fixing to beat your ass. Hell, I'll beat your ass with you, cuz I'm the Voldemort bitch!"

Silence. and a piercing stare.

"Foolish mudblood, Avada Kedavra!"

A flash of green.

Voldemort was quite surprised to see the student just standing there.

"I once survived a suicide bombing. I was the bomber. You think you're such a badass, don't you, with that wand of yours?" The student continued. "Well, you're nothing compared to me. You think you're so cool, breaking your soul into little pieces that you keep in your little trinkets?

Fuck, I sold my soul to the devil for my rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, I roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took my soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. We now play poker every second Wednesday of the month."

Voldemort's last words were "But roundhouse kicks aren't...the...best way to kick someone..."

The last thing he ever heard was "That's the biggest mistake anyone's ever made. Ever."

Harry: Damn, only a first year. The next and last thing he heard was a loud "DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" that exploded the heads of everyone within a five mile radius.

- PRC4EVA

Notes

• If he could, GoA would ressurect this thread again and again every so often when a new idea hit him.