Editing Funny Short Stories

A thread dedicated to funny short stories, plain and simple.


== Examples ==

In order of appearance:




So Spider-Man and Superman walk into a bar, and Spidey notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table.

"Hey Supes" he says, "Check out the hottie in the corner."

Supes takes a look at the woman and says, "Meh."

"'Meh'? Whaddaya mean 'meh'?" Spidey says "That chick's smokin' hot!"

Supes shrugs and says "I've seen better."

Spidey scans the room for another pretty lady, and finds one at another table.

"Ok ok, how about that one?" asks Spidey

Superman turns around to look at the woman and says "Mmmmeh."

"Aw what!? C'mon!" Spidey shouts "She's even hotter than the last one!!"

"I've seen better." Supes says again.

"Fine. I'll find the hottest girl in this WHOLE bar, and THEN I'll get her number!"

"Whatever" says Supes.

Spidey does one more scan of the room and finds the hottest, most smokin' lookin' chick in the bar, and gives Supes a heads up.

"I'm gonna go get this chick's phone number." Spidey says.

"Hey Spidey. Don't you think it's a little odd that we're in a bar together in costume like this? I mean, we don't even exist in the same universe together, let alone go to bars every night. This feels like some kind of setup for a lame joke or some--"

"ZIP IT CLARK!" Spidey shouts "I'm on a roll here!"

Spidey then slowly makes his way to the smokin' hot chick, and then suddenly for no apparent reason .......Thanos and Darkseid show up and kill everyone.

'''- MaxofSteel'''


Batman entered the Cave, pulling on his gauntlets. The holiday season was always full of those who had too much to drink and somehow convenient access to sufficiently high rooftops. 

Approaching the Garage/Workshop, he spotted something that had no place in his Cave - a Christmas card. 

He snagged it, reading the message inside. 

"Merry Christmas Bats ... hope you like the present ..." 

Batman had rigged the Watchtower teleport system so that it would take three access codes to transport into the Cave's co-ordinate zone. 

Wally's writing - sloppier than usual. Diana's favourite brand of perfume, only worn on formal occasions. Logical conclusion, they and one other had gotten drunk enough to ignore basic self preservation, teleport in without asking permission, and leave a present, whatever that was. 

Deciding to solve the mystery later, Batman headed for the Car. 

And stopped. 

Before him was the answer to who else had entered his HQ - Kyle. 

Only Kyle had the artistic ability and the equipment (his Ring) to place an airbrushed painting of a naked woman on the front of his Batmobile. 

As he stumbled towards his car, he dimly noted that the woman painted in incredible detail looked a lot like Diana if she was a redhead. 

Shuffling his car, the sight of 'PIMPMOBILE' painted in electric neon blue on the sides made him slump to his knees ...

***

Oracle pushed herself into the living room, with Black Canary, Power Girl, Jade, Hawkwoman, Faith and Wonder Woman seated around her new widescreen. 

"Okay, Babs, why did you call us over for an emergency girls night?" 

The world's greatest hacker held aloft a videotape in triumph. 

"Batman did an undercover stint as a pornstar a few years back - and I've got the tape." 

Diana snorted most of her Coke out of her nose, splattering the back of the reclining Jade's head. 

Hawkwoman's eyes widened. "You're kidding ..." 

"He was hunting down a runaway, and since cops don't go quite far enough 'undercover' ..." 

Power Girl reached out, snatched the tape out Of Oracle's hand, and tossed it to Canary, who was closest to the VCR. 

Barbara wheeled herself into position as the movie started. 

The Batman was soon identified as the only male with acting talent (A general consensus was made to interrogate the Dark Knight on his makeup technique and supplies at the earliest opportunity) and a cheer went up when he and a blonde started to perform. 

Faith raised an appreciative eyebrow. "Two fingers?" 

"What?" 

"Her bra catch. Just like that. Good sign." 

"Of what?" 

"Performance." 

"No way." 

"Could have just stretched an old bra around the back of a chair, and practiced." Every head turned to Barbara, who shrugged. "Used to babysit a boy who did that a lot." 

"What happened to the kid?" 

"I ended up dating him." 

Jade threw popcorn at Barbara, but was stopped by Hawkwoman. "Shut up! He's going to ..." 

"Show the Bat-pole?" 

"The Trouser Bat!" 

"The ..." 

The debate stopped instantly. 

Diana made what could only be described as a choked squeak behind her hands. 

Faith blinked several times before daring to speak. "This widescreen really makes a difference ..." 

Canary nodded, taking a large gulp of soda. "Camera angles. Special lenses." 

Barbara made a mental note of the relative size of the actresses hand and jawbone (with the size of a quarter seen earlier as a reference point) made a mental estimate, and reached for a bottle of tequila. 

The rest of the scene was watched in silence until Diana made her first observation. "She's either a really good actress, or ..." 

"Well, in comparison with those other two times ... it's looking more and more like ... Or." 

A chorus of murmured assent filled the air. 

When the scene finished, the movie was fast-forwarded, showing that he wasn't in the rest of the movie. 

"Well ..." muttered Jade. "That was interesting ..." 

"Yes." 

"It's going to make working with him a lot more interesting ... right?" 

Diana was heading to the bathroom - she wanted to apply makeup for the meeting in a few hours time ...

***

"I can't believe you're making me do this." stated The Batman. 

Diana rolled her neck around, the costume making her feel constricted. "If I lost that bet, what would you have made me do?" 

"Your next three votes at the JLA meeting would have copied mine exactly." 

Too quick to have been a lie. "What, no making me dust your mansion in an indecent French Maid's outfit?" 

"I'll remember that for next time." 

"Ready?" 

"N-" his reply was cut short as Diana pushed him through the door. 

The room full of heroes in Halloween attire turned to see Diana, Ambassador of the Amazons, stop and pose in her outfit - a full replica of the Batman's grey-and-dark-blue outfit, complete with ultility belt and outside-underwear. 

Then they saw the Dark Knight, obviously very unhappy, stalk in after her. 

Wearing a Robin outfit. 

Complete with pixie shoes and green bikini briefs ...

'''- Adrian Tulberg'''


Peter Parker and Clark Kent are sitting in a booth in the VIP section. The bar is a bit more crowded then Clark really cares for, as a matter of fact he was sure it was over it’s capacity and is a potential fire hazard. Tomorrow he’ll have to report it.

“Hey! Hey! Are you even listening to me?” Peter asks slightly annoyed.

“Kind of hard not to” Clark says with a roll of his eyes.

“Well like I was saying, you don’t wear a mask right, but no one realizes that your Supe-.” Clark gives him a quick stare and Pete could see his eyes turning red. “Right and the worst part is you’re a reporter, you work with reporters. People who’s job it is to dig and uncover the truth and they can’t tell that your…” Peter catches himself before saying the word “Ahem um him” Clark was about to respond when Matt Murdock came over to the table. Using his cane to ‘find’ a seat next to Pete.

“Hey Matt here is blind and even he can see that you’re the ’boy scout’ ” Pete made the quotation marks with his hands as he said boy scout.

“How many times have I told you not to make fun of my disability? He’s right though it’s pretty obvious.” Matt says as he grabs the pitcher a pours a glass of beer.

“You forgot to play blind” Pete says with a smile. Matt lets out a sigh. Pete could be a real jackass at times.

“I thought Bruce was going to be here” Matt says as he takes a sip of his beer.

“He had some work to do” Clark says

“Work? Man all he ever does is work. He is a candidate for going postal the way he stresses. I can totally see him one day walking into Arkham and just unloading a Uzi in that place. All work and no play” Pete says with a smile. Matt chuckled a little but Clark sat there quietly.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with a little hard work. You should try it sometime” Clark says. 

Pete just clutched his chest and said “Oww that really hurt my feelings…sniff…sniff” Clark just scowls at Pete as Matt looks up quickly and smells the air. 

“Logan’s here” Matt says taking another sip.

“Well duh even I could smell him. I mean really you’d think a man with enhanced senses would bathe regularly” Pete says and both Matt and Clark laughed at that. Logan walks over to the table puffing away at his cigar.

“Hey Bub my enhanced senses include hearing” Logan says taking a puff and sits down next to Clark. Pete just shrugged.

“What are you going to do? Scratch me with your paws?” Pete says with a chuckle. Logan growls as reaches over grabs the pitcher of beer and starts to drink it while leaving the cigar in his mouth.

“That’s just gross, and have you ever heard of sharing? Like seriously I’m not splitting the bill if you drink all the beer again.” Pete says annoyingly. Logan raises his free hand and pops his middle claw.

“Aww man that’s really clever like I haven’t seen that before” Pete says with a roll of his eyes. A man in a well dressed suit walks over and stands in front of Logan. 

“Excuse me Sir but there is no smoking in this establishment. So please could you put that out?” The man says nicely. Logan finishes the last of the pitcher lets out a loud bleach. Both Matt and Clark quickly cover their noses. Logan looks at the man puts up his fist and pops all of his claws. The tip of his claws stop right before the man’s chin. 

“Bub I think you’ll make an exception for me” Logan says staring the man down.

“Um…well…yes, yes of course” the gentlemen says hastily and backs away.

“I’m the best at what I do!” Logan says with a smile.

“And what you do is get bad haircuts. I mean really what the hell is that? The guy from Flock of Seagulls had a better hairdo then that” Pete says as Logan just scowls at him.

“Hey Matt isn’t it the worst haircut you have ever seen?” Pete says and Matt just starts tapping his fingers on the table. 

“You know Logan you really should put that cigar out” Clark says to Logan in a stern voice. 

“Watch it Boy scout before I rip you a new one” Logan says with a grunt.

“Dude your claws aren’t cutting his skin. He’s freaking invincible!” Pete says and Clark nods with a little smile.

“Wanna bet?” Logan says cockily

“Hell yeah! I’ll bet my part of the bill.” Pete says

“I want in on this. If you cut his skin I’ll pay for your share next week” Matt says 

“Yeah Logan I’ll take that bet” Clark says

“Hmph free beers and a chance to cut big blue you chumps are on.” Logan says. Clark puts his hand on the table Logan pops his middle claw and slams his fist straight down on Clarks hand. His Claw just bent back and didn’t even leave a mark on Clark’s hand. Logan lifts his hand and stares at it with his mouth wide open. His Cigar drops on his lap and starts to burn his pants. Everyone at the table bust up laughing.

“Dude that’s priceless! ” Pete says still laughing his ass off . The cigar starting a small fire on Logan’s pants, but Logan was still awestruck and wasn’t paying it any mind. Clark quickly opens his mouth and blows a short burst of ice breath at Logan’s pants. Putting out the fire and freezing Logan from his stomach to his knees. Which made both Pete and Matt laugh harder.

“Do you want me to bend it back?” Clark says to Logan trying to hide his smile. Logan scowled for a bit then cursed a little under his breath.

“Yeah” he says with a deal of anger.

“Uh-oh you better watch out Clark he might do a berserker barrage and get all of his claws bent” Pete says laughing so hard that he almost fell off of his chair.

“Well first you have to agree not to smoke on our night outs” Clark says with a smile.

“Grrr…fine…” Logan says

“Second you have to address me as Sir” Clark says prompting more laughter from Pete.
Logan let out another grunt then reluctantly nodded.
“I’m sorry what was that?” Clark asks

“Yes fine whatever” Logan says

“Yes what?” Clark asks.

“Grrrrr Yes Sir” Logan says 

“Grr I’m the best at what I do!” Pete says imitating Logan “And what I do is get owned by Superman!”

To be continued!

'''- Holackik'''


After Darth Sidious and Anakin had killed Mace Windu and the Jedi that had try to help him bring down the dark lord of the Sith. Anakin was in dis-belief about what he had done.

Anakin: My god, what have I done.

Sidious: You did what you had to Anakin.

Anakin: But I killed him, I killed master Windu.

Sidious: You did it for Padme.

Sidious: But now Anakin. I will make you my apprentice.

Anakin: Very well, what must I do my master.

Sidious: *puts his hood on* Go to the temple and kill the Jedi.. all of them

Anakin: Of course my master.

Sidious: We must hurry though. The Jedi have spies everywhere, and will try and stop us.

Anakin: Master?

Sidious: Yes Anakin there are many Jedi. There everywhere you know, why there may even be Jedi in this very room.

Anakin: Master wha-.

Sidious: Why I myself might be a Jedi traitor........ Anakin kill me.

Anakin: What?

Sidious: Kill me Anakin! quickly! do not the Jedi have their victory! Strick me down before its to late!

Anakin: umm.. 

Sidious: Do it!!

Anakin: Yes my master.

'''- Kain5252'''


Electro walked into the Hole in the Wall bar. Some of the patrons were members of Spider-Man's rogues gallery, like Shocker and Scorpion, or were just bad dudes in general, like the Ghost Rider rip-off Vengeance. Some, while ostensibly "heroes", were hardasses like Wolverine and the Punisher. Some were just there to drink or shoot pool or pick up a date.

Somebody started to giggle. The giggle grew to a roar as everyone laughed, yes, laughed uncontrollably at the master of electricity.

Electro didn't even bother to get angry. He just walked over to the bar and asked for a whiskey sour. The bartender, still snickering, complied.

"So, Maxwell," said Venom, "what exactly are those things, anyway?"

Clinging to Electro were what looked like several horseshoe magnets with eyes.

"Don't ask," growled the electrified criminal.

One of the "magnets", however, provided the answer to Venom's question.

"Magneton."

'''- Radical'''


Sam Carter noticed her boss at the mess hall. After all, he was the only one with his forehead resting on the tabletop.

"Good morning sir. Daniel."

"Hey Sam."

"Is ... something wrong ...?"

"We went out last night."

"Oh. Water's good for a hangover sir ..."

"I am not hung over Major."

Daniel took a fortifying breath before making the explanation. "We took Data to that new place."

"The kareoke bar?"

"Been there?"

"No, but I've heard it's a good place. Captain Mullens in Procurement said it had a fantastic steak."

"It was good, but I wouldn't say it was fantastic ..."

"Get to the point Jackson."

Daniel looked at O'Neil, then back to Carter. "Data said he'd been getting acclimatised to modern songs, then went up on stage."

Carter felt an impending sense of doom, glacier-like in it's inexorability. "What did he sing, sir?"

The murmur from under O'Niel's head was almost a sob. "My Milkshake Brings All the Boys To The Yard."

"Complete with dance movements from the video."

Carter reached out, and awkwardly patted O'Niel's shoulder. "It'll be okay sir."

"I can never watch it again ..."

***

Professor Snape stood up at the Judge's table. From time immemorial, whenever a triumvirate of judges were used to determine a talent contestant's abilities, one must be absolutely guarranteed to be an absolute bastard.

Needless to say, he was roped into this little fiasco every year, and forced to listen to whoever in Hogwarts thought they possessed talent.

Although, times like this reduced the pain.

"The Boy Who Lived .... Shouldn't."

Potter lowered the microphone, confused. The audience muttered.

Give it two seconds for the sentence to sink in - then complete it.

"Sing."

Potter blinked, momentarily stunned.

Those who felt an iota of remorse would leave it at that.

"We have been witness to an act of savage butchery. This ..." Snape glanced at the callsheet. "Stevie Wonder has had his 'Isn't She Lovely' brutally tortured and publicly murdered. If it was a person, we would be calling the authorities, not unblocking our ears."

There was a growing mortification in Potter's expression that needed more careful nuturing.

"May I add, that in all my years, as student and teacher in these halls, I can think of no charm, spell or artifact that can solve Mr. Potter's lack of ability, just the judicious application of needle, thread and ..." What was the name of that device? "... a staple gun."

Potter shuffled off the stage, defeated.

Ron Weasley moved up, and took the microphone. Snape wondered wether it was worth the bother to even listen ...

'''- Adrian Tulberg'''