Template:UnScripts

The Secrets of Uranus is a Broadway style musical satirizing the creation of the material universe.

The problem is that God is constipated - He hits up the Devil for laxative pills, and after a little negotiation Sigmund Freud is sent to Heaven to psychoanalyze the supreme being. Eventually God is put before the Inquisition, and during the course of the ensuing trial he releases the "Turd of Ages" and a new universe is thereby created. Along the way, of course, there are many opportunities for lively song and dance routines.

Template:TOCleft

The Secrets of Uranus was written and directed by David Normal

Starring...

• God (appears in the classic image of the Judaeo-Christian divine patriarch, Yahweh, with white hair, long beard, and flowing golden robes)
• Mephistopheles (appears in classically diabolical smoking suits)
• Sigmund Freud (appears in his hallmark tweed suit)
• The Turd Angels (Chorus Girls with angel wings and gold mylar dresses. They bear large golden turds 4' high)
• Freud Frau (Chorus Girls with Freud head placards, no wings and silver mylar dresses)
• Arch Turd Angels (Chorus Girls in Gold turd costumes with larger wings)
• Cupid (A lithe, handsome youth in wings and a diaper)
• Radio Announcer (Suave 30's style politico)

SCENE 1

The Giant Anus. A two story high flaming asshole with pneumatically inflating and deflating rectal tissue. Enter God through the Anus. Thunder. Drum-roll. Segue to Early Jazz. God does a divine soft shoe and begins to sing in a style reminiscent of Cab Calloway:

Let There Be Light
Children, Do you remember my name?
Creation, my everlastin' game!
Way back, in the very first inning
before Adam, Eve, an' all that sinning . . .
Children, recall when time began?
Darkness and me on the ol' shit-can.

[Chorus]
Way back, as my bowels did move
I cried out:
Ya-owww!!! blee-bib-a-dlop-boop-pee-ploo-d-d-d-da-yah!!! flee-bib-a -poo-pow-yibbity-ya-yah!!! 
Skoobiddee- diddee-diddee-diddly-da-wah!!! Yow! Yow!! Yow!! [and so forth skat- singing].

[With Arch Turd Angels]
LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!!!

[Sax Solo]
Set the cosmos in a groove!!!

[Skat Singing]
LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!!!

[Sax & Skat]
Oh Lord! how my bowels did move!!!

[Bridge]
You may contemplate an atheistic universe, a vast and inexplicable machine.
Children, don't ya' sell yourselves short - THERE'S A HELLUVA' LOT MORE TO THIS SCENE!!!
I'm GOD!!! Yes! it's really true!!! Truth is what I really do!!!

[Arch Turd Angels Sing:]
He's GOD!!! Yes! it's really true!!! Truth is what he really do- doo- doo-wah!!!
[Repeat Chorus With Arch Turd angels]

SCENE 2

Dark Anus. Lights come up slowly. God is sitting on the "throne" perched on one of the legs of the Anus. He is visibly struggling and consternated. Constipated. Slow, dirge like blues with train sound effects.

[God dials telephone - telephone rings loudly - red spot light suddenly illuminates the opposing leg where Mephistopheles is sitting on his "Throne"]

GOD: Mephy-Baby - I got a problem.

DEVIL: How strange you should call - I was just thinking of you. Now, about the fate of mankind - I was think-

GOD: Mephy, not now, I've got a serious problem, O.K. ? I can't shit.

DEVIL: Oh, not this again...

GOD: Just listen to me, please: I haven't taken a shit in millennia. It's terrible. I think maybe the last time I had a good BM was shortly after I smote Sodom.

DEVIL: You have told me this before and I repeat that if you had bothered to ask me I would have advised you against the destruction of Sodom. Why don't you ever consult me before you have one of your tantrums?

GOD: I don't want to hear this drivel. Mephy, I'm in pain - I need a laxative pill. You got anything down there?

DEVIL: I'm out actually, you've eaten them all - every last one.

GOD: I don't believe you. C'mon, avarice is a sin. You must honor thy father, and never deny me. You don't want me to come down there and get the pills myself do you?

DEVIL: You wouldn't dare, its not worth a trip to hell anyway. I know what your problem is and it is not a physical problem, rather your interminable, semingly eternal constipation belongs completely to the realm of metaphysics, and so you must treat it accordingly - What you need is a good psychiatrist.

GOD: A shrink! You think I'm insane don't you?

DEVIL: No, not neccessarily, but psychoanalytic treatment could be beneficial in your case. I can recommend an excellent doctor - I don't suppose you've heard of Dr. Sigmund Freud?

GOD: Well, I have actually, but I thought he was dead...

DEVIL: Yeah, according to our records he died in 1939, but I've got him down here on ice. If you can pay the shipping costs I'll send him up to heaven.

GOD: Oh, what the hell! Send him C.O.D. It can't hurt. Send him up. Express shipping this time, mind you. I'm still sore about the condition in which Paracelsus arrived... all rotted and stinking of sulphur.

[Lights fade to darkness]

SCENE 3

Mephistopheles enters through the Anus. Lights come up slowly. The Devil sings blues in a Louis Armstrong drawl.

M'name's "Lucifer" on the dotted line - a fallen angel with an ax to grind.
Lord of Darkness yet my eyes still shine - I never write the fine print 'til you've signed.

[CHORUS] 
I'm evil!!! I'm evil!!! - and unashamed.
For acts of creulty - I'm well acclaimed.
I'm Big Pappa Devil - The King of Hell,
I know every last one of you - all too well.

I'm Jolly "Beelzebub" - and I laugh at the hard luck of your mortal soul.
Pour newborn blood from a lead carafe, sip slow like wine from a martyr's skull.
 
[CHORUS]

Sweet young virgins whisper, "Belial," in the witching hour I lift their skirts with a touch of evil and a wicked smile.
When I make love you know it hurts!
 
[CHORUS]
 
Call me "Satan" when you kiss my ass and you shall rule with power and might.
A cloven hoof and a touch of class - to crush the weak is just and right!
 
[CHORUS]

Known as "Mephistopheles" upon the stage, world famous for seductive schemes
I supply the drama in every golden age - a loanshark of hopes and dreams.

[CHORUS]

SCENE 4

A heavenly fog rolls over the stage. God is brooding on his "throne" before the Anus. Enter Freud through the Anus. They sing a duet.

FREUD: Where am I? In a dream?

GOD: Welcome to heaven - it's no dream.

FREUD: Who are you? You look like God.

GOD: Yah's m'name and Dr. Freud you should be awed.

FREUD: I'm not - I know you're nothing but an illusion.

GOD: I'm truly divine - upon this I have no confusion.

FREUD: Ha! I think you require psychoanalysis.

GOD: If it will help my case of colonic paralysis...

FREUD: May I suggest that you lay down?

GOD: First allow me to remove my crown.

[God lays down, Freud sits, lights a cigar. Classic psychoanalytic positioning]

FREUD: Just when did your trouble begin?

GOD: I think in the garden with "Original Sin".

FREUD: Can you elaborate upon the story?

GOD: I'd rather not - the details are a little gory.

FREUD: Breathe deeply and you'll remember...

GOD: - my divine fire was then but an ember -

FREUD: Just a seed within the womb?

GOD: Just an apple upon a tree of doom.

FREUD: Were you eaten by a monster of guilt?

GOD: Plucked and eaten and the tree did wilt.

FREUD: Was this when you ceased to exist?

GOD: That's an odd thought with a novel twist!!!

FREUD: You must accept that your simply unreal.

GOD: But I'm almighty god with a desire to feel.

FREUD: Aha! I see clearly your innermost wish.

GOD: and I detect a theory that smells like a fish!!!

[Freud stands up, moves before the couch, and delivers a monologue]

FREUD: When a preconscious idea is repressed and subsequently absorbed by the unconscious, we might be tempted by these images, borrowed from the idea of a struggle for a particular territory, to...

[God is immediately lulled by this speech. His head begins to nod drowsily]

FREUD: ...assume that an arrangement is really broken up in the one psychic locality and replaced by a new one in the other locality. For these comparisons we will substitute a description which would seem to correspond more closely to the real state of affairs; we will say that an energic cathexis...

[God begins to snore. Snoring gradually grows louder and more pronounced]

FREUD: ...is shifted to or withdrawn from a certain arrangement, so that the psychic formation falls under the domination of a given instance or is withdrawn from it. Here again we replace a topological mode of representation by a dynamic one; it is not the psychic formation that appears to us as the mobile element, but its innervation.

[Freud notices that God has fallen asleep]

FREUD [to audience]: SSSHHHH!!! We have here an excellent opportunity to examine the visceral mechanics of these very processes which I have just described as they occur within the psyche of this most unusual patient. Let us peer into the dreaming psyche of our so-called "God"...

SCENE 5

God's Dream (under Freudian analysis). There is a projection screen mounted on the front of the Anus upon which God's dream is depicted in a sequence of animations. This all leads into a Busby Berkeley style dance number.

Synopsis of God's Dream

Swirling colors (Oil projection light show). Arising out of the primordia are images of :

1. Image: Alchemy & chemistry, thunder & lightning, planets that split open, micrographic images of the intracellular, Nebulae, Supernovae and other epic interstellar phenomena, Cadaverous guts that spill out of dissections. We see creation in microcosm and macrocosm - at once an intimate biological process and a vast interstellar evolution. A visual representation of the alchemical maxim: 'As above, so below".
   Sound: Timpani, Thunderous percussion, swelling electronic symphony, percolating oscillations.
2. Image: Advertising images of Men & Women in stereotyped masculine and feminine commodity roles. Tidy Bowl Man meets Blue Bonnet Girl, Aunt Jemima meets the Michelin Man, Mr. Clean meets the Ivory Snow Girl, Etc. Depiction of the awakening of consciousness (free-will) as love between advertising icons. Love is commodified, and this is illustrated by the playful juxtaposition of pornographic images in the courtship of Madison Ave. Mythos. Luscious images of the physical world express the painful longing for the catharsis of incarnation, beautiful women and exquisite natural landscapes merge and fall under the shadow of the serpent of temptation.
   Sound: Emerging from the bombastic overture are sinuous eastern tones reminiscent of snakehandler music suggesting mystery, seduction, exotic romance, satanic beguilement.
3. Image: Torture and religious ecstasy. Temples and doorways leading to the mysteries of devotion. Devotion as persecution and sacrifice. Images of torture and martyrdom. Masks of the old gods, horse races, other sporting events. Downfall of pantheon, penguins, lemmings, shipwrecks, buildings demolished and rise (tumescence)of the solitary deity Yahweh/Mr. Clean. Cosmic defecation images of Uranus/Michelin Man as alter ego/dreaded father figure. Shadow of Man in Wheel rear projects onto screen as Tidy Bowl Man/spermatazoa ferries accross the cosmos, and the ideal housewife/ovum demonstrates home economics. The virgin birth as a new & improved sanitized conception free of the loathsome primal scene.
   Sound: Strange vibrattos which can only be explained as 'due to the vinyl upholstery'.

At this point the dancers emerge from a slit in the screen. The Arch Turd Angels are standing to either side and place a giant golden turd in the hands of each dancer as they emerge. Carrying the turds the Turd Angels descend the turd staircase and form two rows facing one another. They lift the turds over their heads so that they become two rows of turd arches. When the turd arch promenade has assembled then the Freud Frau emerge, are given Freud Heads and descend the staircase, pass under the arches and form a circle around the arch promenade. They are facing outwards bearing the Freud Heads. The Turd Arch Promenade breaks up and forms a circle, waving turds over their heads. The Arch Turd Angels begin to sing:  

Gold-diggin' Angels
Every Shakti must have her Shiva there to relieve her of the yip - yap - flim-flam-oodly-paw-paw!!! wig-wam-doo-dah -pooblah-Yaw yaw!!

[Chorus]
Hey there Papa!
Why ya so droopy?
Why not make whoopee?

Let's yip-yap-flim-flam-oodly-paw-paw!!! wig-wam-doo-dah-pooblah-Yaw yaw!!
Even Allah got a fine harem - Oasis heaven for his yip - yap - flim-flam-oodly-paw-paw!!! wig-wam-doo-dah -pooblah-Yaw yaw!!

[Chorus]

Ol' Jupiter loves to be naughty in a swan's body when he yip - yap - flim-flam-oodly-paw-paw!!! wig-wam-doo-dah -pooblah-Yaw yaw!!

[Bridge]
Don't you love me, O mighty lord?
Y'never ever spread my wings...
This little angel is sad and bored,
Come love your baby till she sings!!

[Refrain]
Gold-diggin' angels wish to marry a highly-paid divinity
Up in Heaven we will settle down start a little trinity

Don't you love me, O mighty lord?
Y'never play m'harp no more...
I'm the sweetest angel in your horde,
Come love your baby 'til she's sore!!

[Refrain]

Don't you love me, O mighty lord?
Y'never ever ring my bell...
Heartsick angel longs to be adored
Come love your baby 'til she's well!!

At end of song god emits an agonized scream and awakes from his terrifying dream. Freud moves to comfort his acutely distressed patient. Freud embraces God.

SCENE 6

GOD: What a mad heretical vision!!

FREUD: I sense the need for Inquisition

GOD: Have I broken my own commandment?

FREUD: Perhaps just begun a new ammendment.

GOD: Wait! Deep in my bowels something stirs anew . . .

FREUD: Unconscious thought breaking through?

GOD: Impossible! I am omniscient!

FREUD: I think your reasoning is deficient.

GOD: You tell ol' Satan I'm making a Bomb!

FREUD: To blow-up Dad and diddle Mom?

[telephone begins to ring - God picks up]

GOD: Hello, Good Evening! How do you do?

[spotlight on devil on throne on leg]

DEVIL: Here I am right on cue . . .

GOD: I want to thank you for sending the doc'.

DEVIL: Yes, he's the one with whom I wish to talk.

[God passes phone to Freud]

DEVIL: Let me tell you what to do.

FREUD: Have you a plan that will make him poo?

DEVIL: First there's a thing or two I think you should know:

God is a schizophrenic underwater polar bear 
dines on crustaceans found in his pubic hair

FREUD:

God is an anal retentive zoological anomaly
always wears a corset when he prostitutes his family!

DEVIL:

God enjoys casual prehistoric coprophilia
pomiscuously performs reverse necrophilia

FREUD:

God is a literary gaseous vertebrate
In non-existence he must eternally luxuriate

FREUD and DEVIL together:

Has there ever been a thing so foreign and weird?
Could any monster be so justly loathed and feared?
Deep in the depths of the dungeon of his colon
There lays a universe of things that are stolen
We must use our noble wit
so the Lord may have a righteous shit.
This we shall dutifully do
to see the suff'ring deity through.
We shall be brave to the dirty end
- Into his colon we shall descend !

[Both grab ropes, and in the manner of spelunkers, descend into the Anus to exit]

SCENE 7

Synopsis of God's Dream Part 2

• Image: Machines churning, cranking clockwork , cogwheels of shadow turning, smoke blasting, industrial, intestinal, belly of the beast. Prisons and dungeons, images of torture, torture instruments, hierarchy and heraldry, purity, defilement and refinement. Delicate botanical drawings and precision engine schematics collide and interpenetrate, generating new realms of hyperbolic sadism. Lycanthropic rites of human sacrifice, vampire orgies, witch's sabbaths, serial killers, missing children, radiation victims, sideshow freaks, weapons, atomic bombs, drug overdoses, meat packing plants, war crimes blossom symmetrically. The laughter of the old gods echoing...
  Sound: Out of a miasma of wavering noise a stern military march gradually emerges, over which are heard distinctly sacerdotal chord progressions.

[The Inquisitors enter through the Anus - 4 hooded K.K.K. robed figures with burning crosses]

URANUS:

Hark ye well! holy hemmorhoid,
The atomic magnitude of Uranus
doth accuse thee from the void
of doctrinal error high and heinous.

GOD: Hey! wait a second this ain't fair. What the hell did I do wrong anyway? Where's my lawyer? Where's the Jury for that matter? I think you've got me mixed up with someone else - I'm God, don't you remember - Its not possible for me to do anything wrong. What gives some stinkin' ol' fart of an antiquated pagan deity the right to push the like's o'me around? Hunh? Answer me that. Hunh smarty pants? Hey, what's with the burning crosses - that's not funny. You guys are messin' with the wrong fella' - I got friends in high places, y'know and there gonna be REAL mad when they find out about this. Take off them hoods and let me out of this PLAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!

URANUS (booming over God's protestations):

Bind him to his throne!
For his sins he must atone!!!

[While God is still delivering his lines, two inquisitors intimidate god by brandishing their burning crosses, the other two bind him hand and foot over his toilet so that his exposed arse is thrust into the air]

URANUS:

By your grand deluded Godly rant
grave suspicions hath arisen.
Until thy swollen gut doth recant,
Creation's but a dream bound prison.

[The music shifts to a burlesque character yet retains an echo of a military march and religious chord progressions. The Inquisitors do a strip-tease]

URANUS:

For thee a fate worthy of thy crime:
Thou shalt discharge thy glutted girth
and release the wisdom of all time
- to the turd of ages thou shalt give birth

[The inquisitors, now transformed into buxom witches, by virtue of their disrobement, begin to laughingly, mischievously tickle God's upturned arse. God screams, kicks, and protests violently, but to no avail. Gradually the Turd of Ages emerges in the form of a giant helium filled weather balloon. As the balloon inflates it hosts projections.]

• Image: The planets appear in succession radiating out from the sun. We see the tree of life of the Kabbalah, different Yantra, Alchemical sigils, and many other mystical geometric designs harmoniously unfold before our eyes.

[As the projections play all the cast mounts the stage. The Turd Angels and Freud Frau form an arrowhead facing outward from the stage. When the balloon has reached the diameter of 8' or so it is released into the air, and then God is released from his bonds. Everyone sings to the tune of Handl's Messiah]

Defecation!
Exultation!
Hallelujah!!
Hallelujah!!
Hallelujah!!

[The Audience is encouraged to join in]

When the balloon has reached a lyrically sufficient height. A spot light hits the left leg illuminating cupid with his bow drawn. He discharges an arrow exploding the balloon and releasing a quantity of malodorous sulfur. The cast exits through the Anus. A spotlight hits the base of the right leg illuminating an old time radio announcer dressed in a bow tie and 30's-cut suit.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, The moment you have all been waiting for. Without any further adieu: Please welcome the destruction of the universe!!!

[Spotlight on a 'Prep H-Bomb' docked on the tower. The announcer mounts the atomic bomb tube of hemmorhoid medication and descends a zip-line into the Anus]

KA-BOOM.

THE END

See Also

• Church of Scatology

Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophillus Amadeus Mozart approves this article... YOU SHOULD TOO!!! Please keep your edits to spelling, grammar, and the bare essentials.

Template:TOCleft "Just fuck off!"

~ Mozart

"I knew Mozart, we got drunk and did it with all sorts of hot chicks. I was his Bitch when it came to one-upping Winston Churchill"

~ Oscar Wilde

Once upon a time, back when men wore powdered wigs and rode around in gilded carriages, a beautiful baby boy was born in the glorious town of Salzburg, nested in the Austrian Mountains.

80's icon Falco portrays Mozart in the feature film Amadeus.

The date was January 27th, 1756. The little boy's name was Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophillus Amadeus Mozart. Can you imagine twisting a name like that into your stache? Lucky for him, he was called "The Mozzarino" for short.

The Mozzarino was a very smart little boy, and he loved music. He was probably one of the greatest musical geniuses who ever lived.

Little Mozzarino

When his sister Elniña was seven and Mozzarino was three, Pa started teaching her to play the piano. The Mozzarino could not stay away! He loved hearing her play and he loved the Sound of Music. He would sit on the floor, playing with his toys while she practiced her music. They could hardly keep little Mozart away from the piano. After his sister's lessons, he would go up to the piano, stand on tippy toes, and reach his chubby little three year old fingers up to delicately touch the keys. After playing one note, he would always want to play another.

Little Mozzarino always had music popping into his head, and it had to come out! When he was four, his father gave him piano lessons. His father also gave him special ruled sheets, called music paper, to write down the music playing in his head. Mozart could write notes before he could write words!

One day, Papa Mozart came home with two friends. They set up music stands and pulled up chairs so they could play some new "trios" that one of them had just written. Mozzarino came into the drawing room with his little violin and said,

Little Wolfie Mozzarino in his hand-me-down rags.

Papa, can I play?

And Papa Mozart looked down at him and said,

Mozzarino, you can't play the violin.

But Mozzarino begged,

Please, papa. Please, papa.

His papa started to get mad at little Mozart - you know, how papas do sometimes. Papa Mozart was getting more and more angry when he said,

Mozzarino, I told you not to bother us. Now, if you keep talking, I'm going to send you away.

At this, little Mozart started crying. The second violinist, feeling sorry for little Mozart, said to Papa Mozart,

Let the little one sit next to me. You won't be able to hear him play.

Papa Mozart then turned to Mozzarino and said,

All right, you can sit there and play, but make sure no one can hear you!

Little Mozzarino sat down with his tiny violin and began to play ever so quietly. Pretty soon the second violinist stopped playing. He looked at that little five year old boy who was now playing the second violin part all by himself!!! At this, his father was so amazed he had tears in his eyes. When they were done, he came up to his son and said,

Mozzarino, how is it that you can play the second violin part when you haven't had violin lessons?

Then Mozzarino looked at his father and said,

But Papa, surely one doesn't need to learn to play the violin to play second fiddle.

Can you imagine saying that to your father when you were only five???

Young Wolfie

Little Mozzarino was always humming new tunes - ones that no one had ever heard before. When he had no one to play with, he would sit down at a table, get his special music paper, and begin writing down all the tunes that were playing in his head. In fact, music was his favorite game. He loved it because he could write exactly what he felt. When he was happy, he would write a happy, fast tune like an allegro. When he was sad, he would write a slower tune like an andante.

So unbelievable was Mozart's talent, that he was taken to the Archbishop's castle up on the hill and locked in a tower with nothing but a bed, a table, music paper and pens. The Mozzarino wasn't afraid at all. He actually enjoyed looking down on the streets of Salzburg from his room above the trees. He liked being there so much that he began to hum a tune. "This is a nice tune," he thought. "I'm going to write it down."

Screw the name, the music must come out!

So he did, and he kept on writing music, putting to paper all the music that danced in his head. Every few hours he would grow tired and drop off to sleep. Not for long though! All that music playing in his head would ultimately wake him up to notes he would put down on the paper.

About a week later, the Archbishop climbed the long stone staircase to the tower, peeking through the keyhole to find Mozzarino tired, but happy! Behind him was a great pile of music! He had even finished music for the Archbishop's mass! There was no doubt that the young Mozart was indeed the author of all that fine music that had been delighting the town.

Word of Mozart's talent even reached Vienna, the capital of Austria. Mozart's family was summoned by a messenger on a beautiful white horse to play before Empress Maria Theresa and Emperor Francis. With a flourish of his feathered hat, the handsome messenger announced:

You are commanded to perform before The Imperial Majesties in Vienna, a fortnight from today.

Musicians at that time were not able to make money the same way some artists do today. They could not just play a concert and have people buy tickets to see them. They had to perform in castles or houses of people who had money. It was up to the generosity of the person they played for if they would be paid. If these people liked the music, they would usually pay them well. If they didn't care for the music, they would not pay them much or anything at all. Sometimes, instead of money, the person would even give them fancy gifts, jewels, or have special medals made. However, this would usually not be of help to the musicians because they could not use it to buy food and clothes or pay the rent.

Young Wolfie received many upon many beautiful presents, but he could not pay for anything he needed, because he could not sell them, or his patrons would get angry. It is an insult to sell a gift from royalty! After a week of frantic preparations, theMozart family finally boarded a stagecoach for Vienna.

Mama, Papa, Elniña, and of course, Little Mozzarino headed across Austria on muddy, bumpy roads. When Wolfie saw the Empress, he ran and jumped on her lap! He put his arms around her and gave her a big hug and lots of kisses. Luckily, she was a mother and was used to having little boys climb on her lap. She herself was also a good musician.

The Emporer loved Mozzarino too, but he seemed more interested in having Wolfie do tricks like playing with his hands hidden under a cloth, playing the piano with only one finger, or guessing what chords were being played. Mozzarino didn't like this! He would get mad and not perform unless people listened carefully as he played his music.

The royal family liked the Mozarts so much that they paid him lots of money, and even gave the Mozart children beautiful clothes!

Pre-Teen Wolfgang

Oh, how Mozart loved Italy, this land of blue skies and song! He heard that in Rome the music was even more special. Rome was the home of the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, and in his private chapel he had the finest singers in the country. During one extremely busy Holy Week, the week right before Easter, a special choir performed a special work: the famous Miserere by the composer Allegri. Nowhere else could it be heard, for no other choir was allowed to sing it. It had never been printed, and nobody outside the choir had ever seen the music, which was kept carefully guarded. Teen Wolfie's heart was set on hearing this music, so Papa soon took him to Rome. There, they attended Mass at St. Peter's Cathedral on the day that the Miserere was to be performed. As the glorious music rose in that huge building, Mozart knelt in awe.

When the service was over and his father said it was time to go, he just knelt there as if in a dream. When Papa finally got him to leave, he hummed the music over and over again. He wanted to remember it all and carry it away with him for the rest of his life. He wanted to rbe able to ecall its sound whenever he wanted. What a smart lad!

That night, when Wolfie went to bed, he could not fall asleep. The music he'd heard that day was playing over and over in his head. Again, the music had to come out! Quietly, he got up and unpacked his pen and music paper from his suitcase. There, in the light of the moon, he began to write down every note he had heard. When he was done, for the first time, the great Miserere was put to paper outside of the Pope's choir room. This marvelous memory for music astonished people for the rest of Mozart's life!

Back in those days, playing music was a major form of entertainment. They didn't have radio or TV back then! You couldn't buy your favorite music on CD so you either played it yourself, or hung around with someone who could play it. To make it more interesting, people would make games of playing music. Only, these games weren't like football or basketball, these were improvisational games. Do you know what it means to improvise?

Improvisation was such an important part of a musician's training, that they would hold big competitions of improvisations where they would play as many variations of the same tune as they could. They would start with a simple tune, and then play it as many different ways as possible.

The not-quite-an-adult Mozart

When Mozzarino was in his late teens, he and a famous pianist, named Clementi, had a contest. Joseph, the son of Emperor Francis, brought the two together at court in Vienna and had them compete in a piano playing contest. It seems that Joseph liked to see Mozzarino play special games with his music just like his father did. He bet on Mozzarino. Can you guess who won?

Mozart wrote variations on a French folk tune that was popular at that time. It was known then as Ah, vous dirai-je, Maman. Today the song is know by a different name, in fact it's known by a couple different names. Here's a game. I'm not even going to give you those names.

As Mozzarino grew older

It was harder for Mozart to make a living as he got older. He wasn't the amazing boy wonder that everyone wanted to see, he was always writing music to sell to try and make money. Ruthless music publishers would buy songs, have them copied by hand, and in turn, sell them so people could play them at home. This hurt the music industry in the long run, as musicians are only paid according to the demand for their songs.

Occasionally, Wolfgang would sell a composition to a publisher for a good price or he would get an order to write an opera. Then he would have plenty of money, for a while. (He was so broke that sometimes he burned his furniture just to keep warm.) Mozart also wasn't getting enough sleep and he would get back aches from sitting at the piano all day. Finally, his doctor told him that he would have to get out and get some exercise.

Wolfgang's idea of excersize was playing billiards with friends, or playing Nine Pins. He loved to play these games so much, that sometimes it seemed he wasn't writing enough music for the people who had commissioned it, but the music was always working itself out in his head. All he needed to do was stop and write it down, which he would do while he waited for his turn to STRIKE!

Throughout Mozart's life

A lot of very sad things happened to the Mozzarino. He was often ill, and other musicians tried to keep him from getting work. The weirdest thing of all happened one very hot summer day while he was alone in his house. He heard a loud knock on the door, and when he opened it, he found a man dressed in dark clothes from head to foot with a great, dark hood covering his head. He handed Wolfgang a piece of paper, asking him to compose a requiem. A requiem is musical piece written to honor the dead. He gave Wolfgang alot of money to do this.

This really scared Mozart. He was sure that he was going to die soon and that the song he was writing was for his own funeral. Over the next several months, Wolfgang was obsessed with writing this piece for the stranger in the dark cloak, never really knowing who the stranger was. As he wrote this requiem, his illness became more severe. In fact, he became so ill that he could not even get out of bed, and it became hard for him to breathe.

Mozart was never able to finish this whole piece by himself. Part of this piece was named the "Tuba Mirem" and is considered one of the most beautiful pieces he ever wrote. Doesn't it sound sad? On December 5, 1791, another very sad thing happened. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died.

Mozart was only 36 years old when he died of natural causes. Although Mozart was sick at the end of his life, it is important to remember that his was some of the most joyous music ever written on this planet, and that he always kept on doing what he loved to do most. And after 200 years, Mozart may be gone, but his music remains!

THE END!

Discography

• My Dog Has Fleas (1776)
• The Scientologist Marriage of Figaro (1775)
• Bach Ain't Got A Thing Cuz He Ain't Got No Swing
• Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On
• Really Good Songs I Wrote In The Bathtub
• Don G. Ovanni, or How I Went To Hell For Getting A Little Nookie
• Cosi Fan Tutti-Frutti
• Vulgar Display of Harpsichord

See also

• Amadeus
• John Cage
• King Crimson
• 50 mozart

Template:GERMAN