John Tesh

From Popwiki

(Difference between revisions)
Line 1: Line 1:
-
{{Number of Bans|A band of brigands, bandits, and}}
+
[[Image:JT-hair.jpg|thumb|right|180px|John Tesh in his early years.]]
 +
{{Q|When you have a 13 year old child, you suddenly realize that you may need to pick a vocation.|John Tesh|finally deciding what he wanted to do with his life}}
-
[[Image:Thief.jpg|thumb|right|200px|'''Stop''' stealing japanese animation for american entertainment!]]
 
-
{{QNL|Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.|Thieves| property}}
 
-
{{Q|We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.|Aesop|thieves}}
+
'''John "E.T." Tesh''' has explored and conquered many facets of the entertazinment and broadcasting industries. In a surprisingly successful career that now spans more than 25 years, Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, Music, and Space Exploration, rivalled only in popularity by [[Howard Stern]]. People worldwide have enjoyed John Tesh; both his music, and his witty quips on  “The John Tesh Radio Show,�? but what most people don't know is that John Tesh is in fact an alien <ref>[http://www.xent.com/FoRK-archive/summer96/0115.html John Tesh is an Alien]</ref>
 +
. That's right. The "E.T." in his name stands for '''E'''xtra '''T'''errestrial, and has nothing to do with his ten year stint as host of  ''Entertainment Tonight''.  
-
{{QNL|The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to - |<small>''part of this text has been stolen''</small>}}
+
==The Gospel According To John Tesh==
 +
[[Image:JT-yeah.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Over time, fans of John Tesh will start to look just like him.]]
 +
I used to respect John Tesh when he worked for Entertainment Tonight. He seemed like a decent guy, and I spent many an evening watching him and chuckling over the zany criminal misadventures of former child stars. But then one day he quit all that. He quit, grew a [[goatee]] - or "chin vagina" as we used to call them - and toured the country playing [[smooth jazz]] piano. For a long time it seemed that John Tesh was everywhere at once: on TV, on "infomercials," and in concerts promoting his ubiquitous music, which he uses to try to take over the Earth <ref>[http://www.wtul.fm/vox/tesh.html John Tesh is Trying to Take Over the Earth]</ref>.
 +
[[Image:JT-yanni.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Contrary to news of their public spats, John Tesh is a huge [[Yanni]] supporter.]]
 +
Three of Tesh’s most recent releases, ''The Deepest Faith'', ''Christmas Worship Fun'' and ''Piano of Love'' all resided on the [[New Age]] Pop and [[Christian]] Music charts. Recently Tesh released the family-friendly CD and DVD, ''Worship the Blue Balls'', which is also a national television special. This worldwide television event featured dancing monkeys and a guest appearance by fellow piano man [[Elton John]], with hits such as “I Can Only Love You,�? “Lord Have Mercy�? and “Smack My Bitch Up.�?
-
So, you're a '''thief''', huh? That's cool. Just keep your hands where I can see them, okay buddy? Remember, I'm watching you. Often, a thief will use cons, trickery, and slight-of-hand to obtain things that don't belong to them and I kinda like my stuff right now, so dont try anything funny... You can always tell who your thief friends are; they are the first ones with new gossip, the first to try any new innovation or gadget. They 'borrow' your things and 'forget' to give them back to you. They don't know the meaning of the word "no."
+
<br clear="left">
 +
The most popular, and perhaps the most confusing of Tesh songs, ''Jedi Mind Tricks'' reflected John Tesh's love of outer space:
 +
 +
Over the earth I hover
 +
Spinning whirlwinds in wheatfields
 +
My force fields repel four winds for broken seals
 +
 +
Lay the beat down;
 +
Make big connections to Uncle Sam
 +
Performing alien brain scans and spiritual exams
 +
While the mother ship lands on holy land
 +
My mental expands with plans to span through the galaxy
 +
Speaking my name is blasphemy, so call me your majesty
 +
  Majestic phonetics begin to affect your reality
 +
Religiously, I mystically chant and recite on mic's
 +
At astronomical heights
 +
Guided by the northern lights
 +
Poltergeist, masquerade as Christ, entice like Heidi Fleiss
 +
Trying ta put the righteous on ice
 +
You're a holographic device, I simply see through
 +
Robotic like R2D2, I'm original like Hebrews
 +
 +
Revelations of the Megatron
 +
  I form Voltron;
 +
Travelling through space portals
 +
My soul cannot be imprisoned or trapped by mere mortals
 +
With the pain of scorpion stings
 +
‘Lord of the Rings', I brings
 +
Contorting; poly-wharfing and aborting
 +
The souls of the MC's who I've made ghosts to do my haunting...
 +
 +
Scientifical madness, eliminating masses with mathematical hypotheses
 +
  Fucking up your anatomy!
 +
Atomically bombing thee, fraudulent MC's
 +
With each battle strategy
 +
Confusion weaponry, causing fatalities
 +
Intergalactic tactics, shine like metallics
 +
I'm sick with, this cerebral madness
 +
Verbal flames, I spit them through your chest, like tequila
 +
Death becomes you, As I run through
 +
MC's like battering rams, you don't understand
-
==Thieves Loose in Society==
+
==John Tesh and You==
-
The word ''thief'' in our society tends to have the connotation of being a criminal or someone of a lower order, but thieves are very necessary in the balance of all things, and have just as much importance as other types of people. Thieves with lower inclinations will tend to gravitate towards criminal activities, but anyone of lower inclination will do so, regardless of whether or not they uphold the [[Law of the Thieves]].  [[Pirate]]s and [[ninja]]s can be thieves.
+
[[Image:JT-fans.jpg|thumb|left|150px|We want YOU for the John Tesh Fan Club!]]
 +
[[You]] love John Tesh. There’s nothing you love more than hearing the placating tones of Tesh whisper sweet lullabies into your ear well into the late evening. And trust me: if you had thousands of dollars to wipe your ass with, you’d be the first person in line to spend seven days with the Tesh-meister on an “Intelligence For Your Life�? cruise to the Riviera. Admit it.
-
[[Image:Stolen,jpg|thumb|right|100px|This image was stolen by a thief!!!]]
+
John will be performing live in concert twice during the cruise. One concert will be with the full band and the second will be a more intimate "storyteller" style with John sharing his inspiration and "back-story" behind your favorite songs, up close and personal. But these concerts would be just part of your amazing vacation! During the cruise, you would also have access to John 24 hours a day via live web broadcast while on the ship, plus the exclusive opportunity to screen the motion picture ''Becoming John Tesh'', the highly-anticipated sequel to ''Being [[John Malkovich]]''.
-
Thieves are one of four main types of people:
+
[[Image:JT-being.jpg|thumb|right|200px|A startling depiction of a not-so-fictional world where everyone becomes a John Tesh fan.]]
-
*Thieves:    The [[Masters of the Universe]]
+
<br clear="left">
-
*[[Warriors]]:  The heroes of the Universe
+
-
*[[Wizards]]:  The creators of the Universe
+
-
*[[Priests]]:    The villians of the Universe
+
-
Thieves are some of the most joyous beings to have around. They practically bubble over with fun.  Obviously, Thieves make great children's authors because of their wonderful knack for creating fantasy.  Some famous thief authors are:  [[Lewis Carroll]], [[Mark Twain]], [[Roald Dahl]], and the brothers [[Grimm]]. Refusing to take anything seriously, they gravitate naturally to the professions of comedy, the performing arts, and the written word. Speaking of words, Thieves LOVE word-play and twisting around meanings. Hey, but I'm not saying that I'm a thief, so relax, okay guy?
+
==The John Tesh Conspiracy==
 +
The National Anti-Tesh Action Society (NATAS), says John Tesh is an "interplanetary mole" intent on "softening up" the human race with his "mellifluous" adult contemporary music. They point out the odd shape of his head, the speed with which he composes and plays the piano, and the fact that he makes his entrance at a concert by descending to the stage in an elevator, just like a [[UFO]] landing.
-
==Thieves at Work==
+
Although no mention of Tesh's extra terrestrial-ness can be found on his internet site (http://www.tesh.com), it contains a telling clue. He recently staged a contest, asking fans to answer the question, "How has John Tesh changed your life?" in 25 words or less. The winner, Monica Rios, wrote:
-
<!--HAH! This is STOLEN from somewhere...-->
+
-
If a thief goes into business, it's generally for himself or herself, and it's definitely to bring something new into the world.  Thieves are excellent in all of the communication arts, but rarely succeed in the news world because of their lively imaginations and their tendency to "add a spin" to everything. The Thief is the ultimate D.J.; mixing other people's records and supplying irreverent comments in the background.  Thieves have the ability to think on their feet, and do well in any occupation that requires this.
+
-
Notorious thief 'Wet' [[Willie Nelson]] is famous for having said he robbed banks because “that’s where the money is.” <small>-I have no idea where that quote is stolen from.</small>
+
{{cquote|John Tesh's music is like a breath of invigorating fresh air lifting my spirits and relaxing my soul. I experience a wonderful, indescribable sensation.}}
-
Thieves tend to flourish in the area of sales. Thieves are able to "read" their clients and can create an aura of desire around an object or idea, to where it practically sells itself.  Thieves are very good at anything involving promotion of an idea or public relations work.  They work well at advertising, because of their innate sense for building up an image around anything they set their mind to. As artists, Thieves tend toward the avant-garde,  on the cutting edge of style; bringing in that which is popular [[underground]] and disseminating it to the rest of the society.  Politics appeals to the thief, for in that arena they can "sell" an image or concept to the general public or usher in new ideas and concepts much easier.  The political thief will fall into corruption, using unfair advantages or inside knowledge during elections.  Thief president [[George Bush]] demonstrated this in the [[Florida]] fiasco.
+
Just like a classic UFO abduction story.
-
[[Image:RobinHood.jpg|thumb|left|300px|The most famous of thieves, [[Robin Hood]]  was always a fashion-forward fellow. ''Note: This photo was stolen when he wasn't looking!'']]
+
==References==
 +
<references/>
-
==Stop with the Stealing Already==
+
[[Category:Musicians]]
-
These famous thieves are members of the invitation-only [[Thieves Guild]]:
+
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
-
 
+
[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]
-
*[[John Wilkes Booth]]
+
[[Category:Musicians Who Suck So Monumentally That It Really, Truly Amazes Me That The Earth And Any Surrounding Planets And Quite Possibly A Good Bit Of The Afterlife Have Not Yet Been Swallowed Entirely]]
-
*[[Lenin]]
+
-
*[[Al Capone]]
+
-
*[[Harriet Tubman]]
+
-
*[[Helen Keller]]
+
-
*[[Theodore Roosevelt]]
+
-
*[[Rosa Parks]]
+
-
*[[Hillary Clinton]]
+
-
*[[Will Smith]] (Fresh Prince)
+
-
*[[Snoop Dogg]]
+
-
*[[Sheena Easton]]
+
-
*[[Brad Pitt]]
+
-
*[[Roger Moore]]
+
-
*[[Jack Nicholson]]
+
-
*[[Winona Ryder]]
+
-
 
+
-
==See Also==
+
-
*[[Oxygen thief]]
+
-
*[[Thief Barbie]]
+
-
*[[Republicans]]
+
-
{{Race}}
+

Revision as of 20:21, 21 December 2007

John Tesh in his early years.

"When you have a 13 year old child, you suddenly realize that you may need to pick a vocation."

~ John Tesh


John "E.T." Tesh has explored and conquered many facets of the entertazinment and broadcasting industries. In a surprisingly successful career that now spans more than 25 years, Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, Music, and Space Exploration, rivalled only in popularity by Howard Stern. People worldwide have enjoyed John Tesh; both his music, and his witty quips on “The John Tesh Radio Show,�? but what most people don't know is that John Tesh is in fact an alien <ref>John Tesh is an Alien</ref> . That's right. The "E.T." in his name stands for Extra Terrestrial, and has nothing to do with his ten year stint as host of Entertainment Tonight.

Contents

The Gospel According To John Tesh

Over time, fans of John Tesh will start to look just like him.

I used to respect John Tesh when he worked for Entertainment Tonight. He seemed like a decent guy, and I spent many an evening watching him and chuckling over the zany criminal misadventures of former child stars. But then one day he quit all that. He quit, grew a goatee - or "chin vagina" as we used to call them - and toured the country playing smooth jazz piano. For a long time it seemed that John Tesh was everywhere at once: on TV, on "infomercials," and in concerts promoting his ubiquitous music, which he uses to try to take over the Earth <ref>John Tesh is Trying to Take Over the Earth</ref>.

Contrary to news of their public spats, John Tesh is a huge Yanni supporter.

Three of Tesh’s most recent releases, The Deepest Faith, Christmas Worship Fun and Piano of Love all resided on the New Age Pop and Christian Music charts. Recently Tesh released the family-friendly CD and DVD, Worship the Blue Balls, which is also a national television special. This worldwide television event featured dancing monkeys and a guest appearance by fellow piano man Elton John, with hits such as “I Can Only Love You,�? “Lord Have Mercy�? and “Smack My Bitch Up.�?


The most popular, and perhaps the most confusing of Tesh songs, Jedi Mind Tricks reflected John Tesh's love of outer space: 

Over the earth I hover
Spinning whirlwinds in wheatfields
My force fields repel four winds for broken seals

Lay the beat down;
Make big connections to Uncle Sam
Performing alien brain scans and spiritual exams
While the mother ship lands on holy land
My mental expands with plans to span through the galaxy
Speaking my name is blasphemy, so call me your majesty
Majestic phonetics begin to affect your reality
Religiously, I mystically chant and recite on mic's
At astronomical heights
Guided by the northern lights
Poltergeist, masquerade as Christ, entice like Heidi Fleiss
Trying ta put the righteous on ice
You're a holographic device, I simply see through
Robotic like R2D2, I'm original like Hebrews 

Revelations of the Megatron
I form Voltron;
Travelling through space portals
My soul cannot be imprisoned or trapped by mere mortals
With the pain of scorpion stings
‘Lord of the Rings', I brings
Contorting; poly-wharfing and aborting
The souls of the MC's who I've made ghosts to do my haunting...

Scientifical madness, eliminating masses with mathematical hypotheses
Fucking up your anatomy!
Atomically bombing thee, fraudulent MC's
With each battle strategy
Confusion weaponry, causing fatalities
Intergalactic tactics, shine like metallics
I'm sick with, this cerebral madness
Verbal flames, I spit them through your chest, like tequila
Death becomes you, As I run through
MC's like battering rams, you don't understand

John Tesh and You

We want YOU for the John Tesh Fan Club!

You love John Tesh. There’s nothing you love more than hearing the placating tones of Tesh whisper sweet lullabies into your ear well into the late evening. And trust me: if you had thousands of dollars to wipe your ass with, you’d be the first person in line to spend seven days with the Tesh-meister on an “Intelligence For Your Life�? cruise to the Riviera. Admit it.

John will be performing live in concert twice during the cruise. One concert will be with the full band and the second will be a more intimate "storyteller" style with John sharing his inspiration and "back-story" behind your favorite songs, up close and personal. But these concerts would be just part of your amazing vacation! During the cruise, you would also have access to John 24 hours a day via live web broadcast while on the ship, plus the exclusive opportunity to screen the motion picture Becoming John Tesh, the highly-anticipated sequel to Being John Malkovich.

A startling depiction of a not-so-fictional world where everyone becomes a John Tesh fan.


The John Tesh Conspiracy

The National Anti-Tesh Action Society (NATAS), says John Tesh is an "interplanetary mole" intent on "softening up" the human race with his "mellifluous" adult contemporary music. They point out the odd shape of his head, the speed with which he composes and plays the piano, and the fact that he makes his entrance at a concert by descending to the stage in an elevator, just like a UFO landing.

Although no mention of Tesh's extra terrestrial-ness can be found on his internet site (http://www.tesh.com), it contains a telling clue. He recently staged a contest, asking fans to answer the question, "How has John Tesh changed your life?" in 25 words or less. The winner, Monica Rios, wrote:

  1. redirect Template:CQuote

Just like a classic UFO abduction story.

References

<references/>

Retrieved from "http://editthis.info/popwiki/John_Tesh"
Personal tools