The Gospel of Saint Hubbins

From Pfnetwork

The Gospel of Saint Hubbins is a satirical, fictional religious text. It was created by various members of the Peanut Foot Forum when they tried to make a new religion. Verses from the Gospel are occasionally posted in random threads throughout the forum. Many times, the verses are out of logical order.

The name, "The Gospel of Saint Hubbins" parodies, "The Gospel of Saint (Mark/Luke/John/Matthew)", the term used to describe the first four gospels of the New Testament in the Bible.

Controversy

The Gospel of Saint Hubbins has some controversial verses about the Cheese Thread on the Peanut Foot Forum:

• The Gospel of Saint Hubbins, 12:52-53: And the demons in the pits of Hell rejoiced. And the Devil does have many Names. One is Temptation. The other is Punkromance. And the Devil did Provoke JK to open the Cheese Thread. And there was much Wailing from the Administrators.
• The Gospel of Saint Hubbins, 13:59-60: And Punkromance, the Devil, did convince JK to bring back the Unholy Cheese Thread, long before sent to the Firey Pits of Lockdom by Angelblade. And the Devil did rule the Forum through the Foolishness of Others. And Peanut Foot did pray to the Mysterious Higher Power (for he was an Agnostic) to end the Agony of the Cheese thread. Though Peanut Foot could send the thread to the fiery pits of Lockdom, this would cause outcry from other forumgoers. So Peanut Foot did decide to Chicken Out and hope that Angelblade or El Diablo would do his Dirty Work for him.

The Organization of the Gospel

This is a compilation of the current verses found from the Gospel (organized by JK):

Chapter 1

¹In the beginning, the great Peanut Foot cast his spell on his computer creating dost forum. And James (Punkromance) did talk about his cheese. ²And that glorious day was to be celebrated as Saint Hubbin’s Day. And a magical goldfish did put candy in the sock drawers of all the good boys and girls. But naughty children did receive liver and onions. ³And Peanut Foot did create the Forum in six days. And he saw that it was good.

³⁴Ben333 smells like thine green cheese.

Chapter 12

⁵²And the demons in the pits of Hell rejoiced.

⁵³And the Devil does have many Names. One is Temptation. The other is Punkromance. And the Devil did Provoke JK to open the Cheese Thread. And there was much Wailing from the Administrators.

⁵⁷And JK did makest a Vulgar Uttering, which Peanut Foot did censor.

⁵⁸And JK did remember his Vulgar Uttering, and Punky did say 'yh mon,' and Annoy the Heckerdoodles out of Peanut Foot.

⁵⁹And JK did not remember his mental illness.

⁶⁰And Peanut Foot did become confused my Verse 12:59 of the Gospel.

⁶¹And someone did edit Verse 12:59 of the Gospel. And JK was angry.

⁶²And Peanut Foot did wonder what in God's name JK was Talking About.

⁶³And Confusion spread throughout the land for forty-two years. And all was not well.

⁶⁴And everyone did collide together and fall into a pit of darkness and dispair and mounds of Teletubby videos.

Chapter 13

Oh no, JK had started using smileys instead of typing again!

And Punkromance, the Devil, did convince JK to bring back the Unholy Cheese Thread, long before sent to the Firey Pits of Lockdom by Angelblade. And the Devil did rule the Forum through the Foolishness of Others.

And Peanut Foot did pray to the Mysterious Higher Power (for he was an Agnostic) to end the Agony of the Cheese thread. Though Peanut Foot could send the thread to the fiery pits of Lockdom, this would cause outcry from other forumgoers. So Peanut Foot did decide to Chicken Out and hope that Angelblade or El Diablo would do his Dirty Work for him.

Chapter 14

And as said goldfish gaveth the candy of such as capacity as to rot the teeth of a thousand mortal men, he spoketh. "One known as JK: Thou hast angered me with thy flinging of smilies! Lest ye be sent to the firey pits of K-Mart, thou shalt repent!" And there was much repenting.

Chapter 17

The was much uttering of the word ****, and Peanut Foot was annoyed.

And Peanut Foot did say, 'Oh, God.' And then he did apply a Filter.

And Angelblade did check the Filter. And he saw it was good.

And the Filter worked. And it was good.

And the naughty children did open their sock drawers, wherein they found liver and falafel. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

But lo, the good children did arise and go unto their sock drawers to bestocking themselves for the day. And there did they see a fish of purest gold, who had bestowed unto their sock drawers heaping piles of glorious candy. "Who art thou, magical goldfish, that dost fill our sock drawers with candy?" the children asked. "I am Elsinorlireth, Bestower of Sugary Goodness," the magical goldfish did reply. "But call me Steve, because the other name is kind of a pain to say. Now feast ye upon the gifts ye have received!" And there was much rejoicing and usage of the yum smiley.

Despite the condemnation from his fellow forumgoers, JK continued participation in the sin of usingest the smilies rather than talkingest. And Peanut Foot did yell, 'For Christ's sake, JK, stop using the friggin' smilies!

And JK did say,'STFU’.

Punky did Say, 'yh mon,' and Peanut Foot was Ticked Off.

Chapter 19

Thenceforth did Saint Hubbins, who was known in those days as "Regular Guy Hubbins", approach the Angel of the Eastern Gate and ask of him, "Might I use thy bathroom?" And the Angel of the Eastern Gate did lower his flaming sword and spake thusly: "Yea, verily, thou canst use my bathroom, but thou shouldst knock first, for it is possible it be occupied." And Regular Guy Hubbins didst approach the bathroom door and knock loudly thereupon. Hearing no answer of "Hey, I'm in here!" he did venture forth into the empty bathroom, whereupon he did relieve himself unto the potty. And it was good.

But JK did use a Smiley instead of Words and Peanut Foot did proclaimest, 'Oh, for God's sake, JK!' And it was good.

What the ****?

Chapter 21

And Peanutfoot did move "yh mon" into the swear filter. And it was good.

Chapter 23

And that who useth an excess of the icons of the smile will find him self of a fixed coutenance of that which he useth an excess of. And there was much wailing.

Chapter 47

¹Crazymine did comest into much turmoil, as the great clouds appeard above PeanutFoot.

²In the Moment of Suspense concerning Crazymine, Peanut Foot did pollute his Underdrawers.

³And JK did consider giving a banner to Crazymine, in it's time of need.

⁴And DJMK sat in his humble throne in awe of this beggar, thinking of shunning him.

⁵And JK did run around in small circles going, "Rababababababababababbababa!"

⁶And Peanut Foot looked upon Verse 47:3 of the Gospel and he did say, 'If you want it to be possessive it's just I-T-S, but if you want it to be a contraction then it's I-T-apostrophe-S! Scallawag.'

⁷And JK did gnaw on the dry wall.