Some SKF Stuff/Unfound

From Nick Bate Wiki

Summary

• Premise: The whole gang is stranded on an island. There's a great deal of irony to it.
• Characters: Waylon, Nick, Simon, Mandy, Heather, KN
• Settings: Waylon's room, pirate ship, an island
• Writers: Nick

Script

(Open to Waylon's bedroom. Waylon is sound asleep, and Nick slowly and quietly walks up. Silence.)

NICK: Wake up!

WAYLON: AUGH

NICK: I've got news. Cool awesome news. I mean, we can harvest some mega-lawls from this, man.

WAYLON: Okay, what is it?

NICK: Our sexy band of sexy pirates is holding a raffle contest! Select winners will win a free holiday vacation to a tropical island off the shore of New Jerseeeeeeeey!

WAYLON: But, uh, aren't we ALREADY on-

NICK: No! You, Waylon Buttmanshireswortherson, have been selected as eligible for entry! Go check out our website for contest details and rules and all that jazz.

WAYLON: I don't wanna enter.

NICK: Well, too late. We entered you.

WAYLON: Then why'd you bother telling me all this?

NICK: My stupidity is being monitored for scientifical research on Bate's syndrome. (Nick lifts his shirt, revealing a tracking device) I'm to act completely natural at all times.

WAYLON: Sooooo, uh, when's the drawing?

NICK: Well, just this morning I drew me having hot anal se- Oh, you mean the contest raffle thingy? Yeah, thaaaaat's right now.

(Close-up of Nick's hand drawing a piece of paper from a hat.)

(Cut to Nick looking at the piece of paper.)

NICK: And the winner iiiiiiiiiiiiis... Waylon! And Roxy. And KN. And Phanty. And Myrrh. And Paratroopa. And Smithy. And-

(Cut to everyone packed onto the pirate ship.)

SIMON: We've completely loaded the downstairs cabin, sir... ma'am... sirma'am.

MANDY: Well, round up all the uncool people and them force them out onto the deck. They'll just have to hang out until we hit land.

SIMON: But, uh, EVERYONE is uncool, according to the list.

(Simon holds up a "list of uncool people" and points to it with his other hand)

MANDY: Naw, we can tolerate a few people. Inform Nekkid Dude that he's free to stay in the cabin.

SIMON: He's not even on the ship.

MANDY: What? What the hell? Did you guys FIX the drawing or something? Nick, get over here!

(Nick pops up)

NICK: You rang?

MANDY: Nick, what happened? I gave you an explicit list of people who were supposed to win the drawing!

NICK: Oh, uhh, see, there was a bit of a problem.

(Cut to freeze-frame storyboard-like images of Nick's flashback.)

(Nick is sitting at his kitchen table with a fistful of something brown being shoved into his mouth, and holding a piece of paper.)

NICK: See, I had the list with me, but then I was eating some applesauce and molasses, which is really good by the way, try it, and I must've accidentally spilled some on the list.

(Nick, looking startled, sees that the paper has been ruined.)

NICK: The paper was stained pretty bad, so I took it to the sink to wash it off.

(Cut to Nick trying to turn on the sink.)

NICK: But I think it was broken or something.

(Cut to Nick dipping the paper in a toilet.)

NICK: So I dipped it in the terlet. But, uh...

(Nick panics. The piece-of-paper is now brown.)

NICK: I forgot that, you know, the plumbing was turned off that time you came over for veggie-fajita night, and so-

(Cut back to the pirate ship.)

MANDY: So in other words, you fucked up the list.

NICK: Yeah. Those're good words.

MANDY: M'kay, remind me to reduce your salary.

NICK: Right, right.

(Nick walks over to Heather.)

HEATHER: Hey, Nickalaus. Wanna... fill my poop deck?

(Nick looks shocked.)

(Cut to the ship closing up on an island.)

SIMON: Land ho!

NICK: Wha? I don't see any hoes... are they nekkid?

(Cut to everyone walking around on the shore.)

WAYLON: So this is our island?

MANDY: Yep. This here island is full of adventure. There's caves, probably a jungle... you know, sterotypical island things.

NICK: Okay, everybody, let's start gatherin' berries and building huts!

KN: Why?

NICK: We'll need to survive using what we've got, until we find something to fix the ship with.

KN: There's nothing wrong with the ship.

(Pan over to the ship, which is indeed fine. Suddenly, a throwing axe flies up and pierces the hull, creating a huge hole. Cut back over to Nick, whose arm is extended, suggesting he threw the axe.)

NICK: There. Now see, if we get back in, it'll sink. We can't take that kind of risk.