Some SKF Stuff/Kentucky Campaign
From Nick Bate Wiki
Summary
- Premise: Nick sets out to protest Kentucky.
- Characters: Waylon, Taylor, Nick, Mandy, Mike, Baby, Heather, KN, Lame Bush Impersonator, Randy
- Settings: Macen's living room, Nick's bedroom, The White House, Nick's kitchen, News station
- Writers: Nick, Waylon (proofread and edited by Anna)
Script
(We start off in Macen's living room. Nick, Mandy and Waylon are sitting there, bored. There is a long pause while Nick does some drooling.)
WAYLON: I... wonder... what's... ON-THE-NEWS!
(We are now shown the TV, which shows the news.)
TAYLOR: Today some dude from Kentucky-
NICK: (interrupting) Kentucky Don't Exist!
TAYLOR: -ran for mayor of some city. However, he lost the election to some chick from Tennessee.
(Cut back to Nick, Mandy and Waylon.)
NICK: In your FACE, Kentucky madman!
MANDY: Why do you hate Kentucky so much?
NICK: It's not that I hate it, I just don't believe in it.
WAYLON: How can you not believe in Kentucky?
NICK: Pfft. Same way YOU don't believe in GOD. You damn heathen.
WAYLON: Jew.
NICK: Heathen.
WAYLON: Idiot.
NICK: Heathen.
WAYLON: Er...um.......nincompoop?
NICK: Heathen.
MANDY: Nick wins. {pause} I guess.
WAYLON: Damn your Jew-magic.
(Mike appears in a puff of smoke right inside Waylon, ripping Waylon in two)
WAYLON: GAAaah! *dies*
MIKE: Someone say "magic"?
NICK: ...Mebbe.
MANDY: Hey, Nick, maybe you should tell him to use his black magic to blow up Kentucky!
NICK: Okay, number A, you can't blow up something that don't exist, and letter 3, he's right there. Tell him yourself.
MANDY: You do it. I COMMAND YOU. Also, A isn't a number, 3 isn't a letter, aaaaaaaaand...you're retarded.
NICK: *eyes become spirals* Must... obey... the hot chick... *snaps out of it* Hey, NT, blow up non-existent Kentucky.
MIKE: Don't feel like it.
NICK: Fine. I'll do it myself. BY PROTESTING.
(DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUN)
(We now cut to Nick making some picket signs in his bedroom. Baby, Waylon and Mandy are there.)
WAYLON: So now you're making picket signs? I didn't know Jews could protest.
NICK: Umm, I'm a Christian?
WAYLON: You're a Jew.
NICK: CHRISTIAN!
WAYLON: JEEEEEEWWWWWW.
(Heather appears out of nowhere and punches Waylon.)
NICK: Thanks, hon!
HEATHER: You're welcome, Jew! I mean, Nick!
NICK: *slightly annoyed* ... *gets over it, looks over at Mandy* So I finished the picket signs. Check it!
(Nick holds up a sign, showing the word "Kentucky" crossed out with a No Sign)
MANDY: Okay, okay, pretty good. What else ya got?
(Nick holds up another sign, which reads "Kentucky Don't Exist!")
MANDY: Nice. Is that all?
NICK: Nah, there's more. There's total more, man.
HEATHER: While we're doing this, we might as well support other causes.
(Heather holds up a "Eat at McBurgers!" and smiles at the camera)
HEATHER: McBurgers! Best burgers on the block!
NICK: Yeah, except-
(Nick is interrupted by the phone ringing.)
MANDY: You should probably answer that, Nick.
NICK: I... don't really feel like it.
(Mandy glares at Nick.)
(Cut to Nick on the phone, looking quite PO'd)
NICK: (annoyed) Hello?
GOLIATH: Hey, this is Goliath Dog talking to you over the phone! This is not an automated message!
NICK: Thanks for stating the semi-obvious. Now make yourself semi-transparent and go away.
GOLIATH: I- ...what? Anyway, I heard aboot your protesting from KN, the master of the Internets, so I'm gonna come on over and help ya with it.
NICK: Awesome! Now we have a whole gang of anti-Kentuckyists!
GOLIATH: Hoiry croip, this is gonna be the awesomest protest ever!
NICK: "Hoiry croip"? Oh man, your speech impediment is getting worse.
GOLIATH: Darn right! (begins making weird squealing sounds)
NICK: Don't- don't do that.
(Cut to Nick, Mandy, Goliath, Waylon, Baby and Heather in a line-up)
NICK: Woot! Is everyone here? Does we gots all ours equipment?
HEATHER: I'll get YOUR equipment!
NICK: Okay, that's hot, but not at all what I meant. Let's go doon the check-a-list. Picket signs?
GOLIATH: (holding up a sign reading "Krentrucky srucks, mran!") Check!
NICK: Emergency kit?
HEATHER: (holding up a box labeled "in case of cop attack") I have that.
NICK: Clean underwear?
MANDY: Yep.
MIKE: Done.
HEATHER: Possibly.
NICK: Got it.
WAYLON: (looking into his own pants) Uh-oh...
(Everyone stares, disturbed.)
NARRATOR: And so the group trekked across many worlds and obstacles to reach the non-existant promised land of Kentucky!
(Shows montage of the group going through various locations; a screwed-up song plays)
(The group stands in a white screen. KN is there somehow.)
NICK: All right, we're here.
WAYLON: Ummm....
KN: I thought you guys left.
(white fades into the living room of Macen's House)
MANDY: Oh fuck. This is very not Kentucky.
NICK: Er, well, now that I think aboot it, I'm pretty sure that montage was just a dream sequence.
WAYLON: You mean you screwed up because you're a Jew?
NICK: I'M NOT A JEW.
WAYLON: Yes you are
NICK: Ugh... (exaggerated rolling of eyes) Mike, can you PUH-LEAZE help us get to Kentucky?
MIKE: How can I get you to a place that doesn't exist?
NICK: DON'T exist. Use yer magic, yo.
MIKE: Alright, first step in transformation is to give me all your money.
NICK: Why?
MIKE: HEY! Don't question the Arts! You will anger the spirits!
NICK: Fine.
(Nick takes a giant gold bar out of his back pants pocket, despite the gold bar being larger than the pocket, and gives the bar to NT, who puts it in his cloak pocket thing)
MIKE: Actually, I lied. Transportation has nothing to do with money. Anyway, no, I won't help you. I hate you. You're stupid and terrible.
NICK: :(
HEATHER: Has it ever occurred to you that we could just, like, protest outside the White House instead of having to go the whole way to Kentucky, which doesn't exist?
NICK: (pissed) DON'T exist!
WAYLON: We could. But I'm hungry. Let's eat at McBurgers! Best burgers on the block!
KN: Did you guys get paid or something to do that?
WAYLON: Yeahnoshutup. C'mon, let's go.
(cut to everyone eating around a square fast food table)
KN: Waylon, did you get the kitty toy?
WAYLON: Yeah.
KN: Gi-
NICK: Don't you go start that shit again.
MANDY: ...You know, we should really be going to the White House
NICK: You're right. Alright, everyone is done with their food. Let's go.
HEATHER: I'm not done yet, I just began ea-
(Nick lights the entire table on fire)
(fades into black screen, white text appears: "Several minutes later....")
(Cut to everyone on the White House lawn. Waylon is holding a "I don't believe in any causes, I'm just here for the violence" sign)
NICK: So here we are in the United States, protesting!
KN: I think we all know that by now. Why are you so outdated?
NICK: I have a shitty interpretation of the passage of time. Hey Mandy, remember last night when we got high and drove a pick-up truck into Macen's house?
MANDY: Ummm...Nick...that was two weeks ago. (nervously correcting herself) Uh- I mean- THAT NEVER HAPPENED! (shifty eyes)
KN: Point taken.
WAYLON: Waitwhat. How did we get here? We were almost 14 countries away just a few seconds ago.
KN: Good God! Don't you know your quantum physics!
WAYLON: That doesn't explain how--
(Waylon is interupted by a loud abrupt Goliath on his mega phone)
GOLIATH: (yelling into a megaphone) Hey, BUSH! Kentucky doesn't exist! EAT THAT! YEAH! FEAR OUR REVELATIONS!
NICK: Goliath! For feet's sake, man! It's DON'T exist! Get it right, people!
GOLIATH: Yeah shut up. (megaphoning) HEY, BUSH! KENTUCKY DON'T EXIST!
(Goliath is tackled by a secret service agent)
GOLIATH: Ow, my most of my body parts!
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: *appears out of nowhere* Hey there, everybody, I'm George Dubya Bush here to answer your questions. Got any of 'em for me?
KN: Yeeeaaah... what's two plus two?
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: Uhhhh.... *thinks for a while, getting gradually more nervous and sweaty* uhhhhh...
(KN stares at him apathetically.)
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: Uhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrr... seven?
NICK: Oh, KN, you crazy...uhh... person. Stop messin' with the prez and start protestin' Kentucky.
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: So I heard Kentucky doesn't exist. What's up with that? Ehehehe.
NICK: IT'S DON'T EXIST! DON'T! DON'T! DON'T! GET IT THE FUCK RIGHT OR DIE!
WAYLON: (ignoring) Yep, it's true, Dubya. Kentucky doesn't exist.
NICK: God dammit, what the hell did I just say?!
WAYLON: (shrugging) I 'unno.
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: (ignoring) Hey, you're a cowboy! Are you from Texas, too? I'm from Texas. Because I'm George W. Bush. And I approve this message.
WAYLON: I'm not a cowboy. But I am from Texas.
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: I think we could be good friends, Kentucky doesn't exist person.
NICK: (seething with rage, trying to hold it in) ....it's...."don't"....
WAYLON: (ignoring) No we couldn't.
MANDY: Just get on with the Kentucky don't exist protest. This is boring.
NICK: Oh, yeah... we should probably do that.
(Nick holds up his sign)
NICK: (chanting) Down with Kentucky! Up with butts! Down with Kentucky! Up with video games!
(Heather joins in with teh chanting)
NICK and HEATHER: Down with Kentucky! Up with kitties! Down with Kentucky! Up with killing Nick's Mom!
(Bush's line overlaps the second half of that)
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: Oh, I get it now, you're wanting me to drop Kentucky from the union! I can totally do that. Ehehehe...
NICK: That's not really our purpose. At all.
MANDY: Come to think of it, what IS the purpose of this?
NICK: What else? We're trying to raise awareness of Kentucky's non-existence. The people of Earth will thank us for calling it their attention, and shower us with gifts. Gifts in the form of cash, check, and hot anal-loving nekkid chicks.
WAYLON: Oh man, that's the most retardedest thing I've ever heard. Let's make like hockey sticks and get the PUCK outta here.
MANDY: Yeah, if the gifts aren't in the form of John Linnell, I'm pretty much out.
KN: Yeah, I'm leaving too. Freakin' ridiculous...
MIKE: This sucks. Stop being retarded, Nick.
GOLIATH: Screw this croip. I mean... croip. I mean... croip.
(KN, Waylon, Mike, Baby, Goliath and Mandy all leave, leaving only Nick and Heather.)
NICK: Uggghhh. Well, I guess it's just you an me.
HEATHER: Mmmm-hmm.
LAME BUSH IMPERSONATOR: Where'd all the Kentucky doesn't exist people go? Ehehehe...
NICK: Dude, I'm serious. Get it right or I'll stab you in the thigh.
(Cut to Macen's house. Nick is looking depressed, holding up a sword. Mandy walks in.)
MANDY: Nick? You okay? Need a hug?
NICK: Yeah... kinda...
MANDY: Are you still pissed aboot the protest?
NICK: Yep. Indeed I am. I always imagined my first ever protest would go a lot smoother than that.
MANDY: Weeeeeell, to be honest, you were kinda destined for failure. Not only was your purpose kinda, and by "kinda" I mean "incredibly", retarded, but you didn't plan very well either.
NICK: Yeah, I guess. I just need to somehow let all the peoples know the truth aboot Kentucky being a government conspiracy.
MANDY: (points at sword) That thing's pretty big, and awesome-looking.
NICK: Heh, that's the first time anyone's ever said that to me. (frowns) Seriously.
MANDY: Waaaaaait a minute... you stole that from KN, didn't you?
NICK: It's possible.
MANDY: So how come you're here and not, like, moping at your house?
NICK: Oh, you know... Randy came over. So I, uh, slipped out the kitchen window while he wasn't looking.
(Cut to Randy and Baby in Nick's kitchen.)
RANDY: Uhh...hello? Nick? (pause) Does this mean no sodomy?
(Cut back to Nick)
MANDY: Well, Mr. Nick, I've got good news!
NICK: You're gonna go out with me?
MANDY: No, (Nick looks heartbroken) but I figured out another way you can make a success of your little campaign thing.
NICK: Oh. Uhhh... okay, shoot.
MANDY: Sure. (pulls out a gun)
NICK: Nononono! Not what I meant!
MANDY: (puts the gun away) Ah. Well anyway, my idea was that you could try to get on TV, like break into the news station and interrupt a live broadcast.
NICK: Yeah! Just like on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
MANDY: No, not at all like that. NOT AT ALL, DAMMIT!
NICK: Oh, all riiiiiight.
(Cut to Nick in the news station, next to a tied-up Taylor.)
NICK: ...and that's why Kentucky Don't Exist, people! Heed mah words!
TAYLOR: You know, we're not even on the air.
NICK: Uhh, what?
TAYLOR: GO FUCK YO'SELF!
NICK: Sure.
(Cut to Nick moping in his house with Baby.)
NICK: And then I hacked the teleprompter, so my speech ended up on the news anyway! It's a happy ending!
(Randy pops up.)
RANDY: Well congratulations, Nick!
NICK: Yeah. You really need to get out of my house... cave... uhhhhhh...
RANDY: Oh, but what about the sodomy?
NICK: No sodomy.
RANDY: Awww, really?
NICK: Yep. The only sodomizin' goin' on 'round here's gon' be wit' me an' some hot chick.
RANDY: I can be a hot chick. Just a simple operation...
NICK: GO AWAY. >:3
RANDY: WAAAAAHHH!
(Cue end credits, complete with Nick singing another really weird improv song.)
