The FAT of the LAN

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Revision as of 00:14, 25 June 2006

OMFG! BS!

Note

Although this episode, like the rest of Season 8 of BS, will not be released in the forseeable future, he did post the script for this episode on the Bonus Stage (Couch Slave) forums, shortly after he announced that TKeely4777 never got back to him and thus the commissioned season would not continue. Thus Toxica's Bonus Stage Picked It Up!

Newsflash

Matt Granted Our Wish of animaton

Newsflash 2

It Can Also be viewed on The BS Website

Script

DJ BLADELA

KOLULU: THIS IS DJ BLADELA! The FAT of the LAN AKA Episode 29, IM GONNA SCRIPT KIDDY CARTOON NETWORK

BEN: DJ DECADE HERE! PWNAGE!

KOLULU: Now For Gamming Gossip

BEN: The PS3 will change the way we live forever... (whispers) forever.

Lawsuits

LAWYER: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are gathered here today to witness true justice, the power of the people in action. Gathered before you are the two most reprehensible creators of animated trash to ever defile our sacred internet. For you see, they committed the unspeakable act, the unforgivable sin.. they made a joke about rape.

(crowd gasps)

LAWYER: And they forgot the number one rule of the internet. (pulls out a pad with the text on it) RAPE IS NOT FUNNY, (turns the page) DUDE.

JOEL: Neither is Bonus Stage.

PHIL: Testify.

LAWYER: PRECISELY, which is why I recommend that the court prosecutes these criminals for crimes against humanity and hilarity!! And FASHION.

JOEL: But I have a passion for fassion!

(Lawyer spreads his arm out, showcasing a group of laptops laid out on a table.)

LAWYER: Shut up, you brat! Gathered before you are an overwhelming amount of exhibits, exploits of Joel and his friends caught on multiple cameras and tightly editted for some unimportant reason! I ask for the maximum punishment, that their series be CANCELLED!

(crowd gasps again)

PHIL: It already is.

LAWYER: And that the two of them are placed on a bus filled with schoolchildren on their way to Discovery Zone.

PHIL: That's... inhumane!!

LAWYER: And to forbid people from growing up to be cowboys.

JOEL: (whispering, clutching) ..no... my dreams..

LAWYER: We shall start with EXHIBIT.. uh THIS ONE!!

(Lawyer picks a random laptop, zoom in on one, begin BS theme.)

(CAPTION: WARNING! We are forced to make this)

Pre King Years

JOEL: Please, Phil, don't be a jazzophobe. The PS3 will change the way we live forever... (whispers) forever.

PHIL: It's not happening.

JOEL: Come on, man. It's only a $499 investment.. with $99 optional non-optional hard drive. And $80 sequel to Tekken or something. I don't care what franchise it is, I just know it's next-genified. (quiet) Next-Genesis.

PHIL: You know I seem to remember that.. not too long ago, I bought you the Xbox 360. Remember that?

JOEL: No. What's xbox. I've never...

PHIL: It's been, you know, sitting there, heating our house. Constantly making me think someone's running a vacuum cleaner in the house. It ruins my hopes, Joel. IT RUINS THEM.

JOEL: {like a grumpy kid} Alright, FINE.. ill play the stupid 360... neehh..

The Crown

(doorbell - sounds like the Tetris theme)

PHIL: Since when did we have a doorbell? And how is it polyphonic?

JOEL: Verizon installed it the other day. Verizon. Verizon.

PHIL: Stop that.

(camera goes back to Joel who has Verizon merch all over him)

JOEL: Sure.

(Joel slides from the top of the screen into a tetris stack. the lines disappear. he opens the door.)

JOEL: Yo.

GOON: It's him!! It's the king!!

JOEL: Are you the Purple Gang?

GOON 2: We found this crown in the dumpster..

JOEL: Great. A cardboard crown that smells like ass dumplings. ..is that all, or..

GOON 3: You're the king! The king of all gamers!

GOONS: Long live the king! Long live the king!

JOEL: Yes. Bye.

(Joel slams the door. The door slams open and arms reach out and grab Joel yanking him away.)

JOEL: Uhh I'm being kidnapped apparently.

PHIL: Alright cool, see ya.

(Phil walks over to the 360, opens a glass box with a hammer labelled "TURN OFF HAMMER" and smashes the 360. Elly wakes up all of a sudden.)

ELLY: (yawning) euhhh thanks for that. White noise makes me fall asleep. That's going to be my rapper name. White Noise.

PHIL: Sleep sure is beneficial. You know what else is beneficial? Going out to dinner with me.

ELLY: I can't do that, Andrew would kill me. Plus I hate you.

PHIL: What.. you said you broke up with him!!

ELLY: Yeah, I did. But I changed my mind. I can do that, I'm a girl. YOU can't.

PHIL: But.. we were.. I just broke off a potential 10 date contract with Cassidy. It had a first base signing bonus!

King Joel

JOEL: Ah, lord of an empire. Finally I can live up to my hero, King Ralph. PEOPLE OF I DONT KNOW THE PLACE THAT THIS IS BUT I DONT WANT TO STOP TALKING OH GOD I AM TRAPPED IN THIS SENTENCE SOMEBODY SAVE ME PLEASE OKAY I'LL JUST CALL IT DAWSON'S CREEK. As your new leader, I order you to erect --hehe i said erect-- a statue of me that's better than the one Bender built in the hilarious Futurama episode "A Pharaoh to Remember!" Aaaannnddd get me a Dart cola....Now....Today.

(everyone is huddled over their screens)

JOEL: Yo. Collective mass of sweaty people. Hey....Guy, you, hey you, come on, get me a soda.

GOON: Okay hold on.

(pause)

JOEL: DUDE!

GOON: Umm I'm kind of busy grinding here?

JOEL: You had better be referring to a lapdance.

GOON: It's Planets of Galtron, you scrub. Just let me get to level 80 and sell my character on eBay.

JOEL: Um, I don't much care for this disrespect.

GOON: Then get it yourself!! There's Mountain Dew in the fridge computer.

(Joel's eyes look back and forth at the various nerdy horrors.)

JOEL: ..wait a second.. this isn't an empire.. THIS IS A LAAN PAARTYYYYYY!!

MONOTONE BYSTANDER: yep.

JOEL: It's like I'm the lifeguard of an above ground pool.

PHIL: Craig, do you think I'll ever find true love?

CRAIG: Not with that face.

PHIL: ..wowthat was blunt.

CRAIG: Let me lay it on you straight, G. I know everybody's sister and was King of the Marriage Prom three years in a row, so I know my shizniz. Girls aren't looking for neurotic whiny sissy bitches like you're the son of.

PHIL: What the hell is a King of the Marriage Prom?

CRAIG: Well-- BOAT BOAT!!!!

(A boat crashes through the bridge, sending Phil and Craig into the water.)

GOON: King Joel, We bring you a fair delicacy from our humble lands.

JOEL: Don't roleplay, just food me.

GOON 2: We bring you the MEGABURGER.

JOEL: WHAT THE DAMN IS THAT THING?!

GOON 2: It's a hamburger wrapped with bacon and deepfried inside of another hamburger.

JOEL: Please tell me that's cheese on top.

GOON 2: Well we still have to make the chocolate chip cookie dough for the buns!! Geez.

(Joel's heart explodes out of his body.)

JOEL: ...I think that was premeditative.

JOEL: What are you doing now?

GOON: We are the Internet Justice League. This dude runs Ebaumsworld, so we're going to take pictures of his house.

JOEL: Yes, and this gets back at him by... pleasing the Kodak shareholders... ?

GOON: No, it prevents him from ever showing his face on the internet again!

JOEL: Okay, that wouldn't.. destroy someone's life, unless they were pathetic anti-beings. Anti Beans. What if there were anti beans that grew a BEANSTALK TO HELL??

GOON: Shut up, we're trying to spraypaint Tubgirl onto a guy's car. LOLZ.

GOON 2: OH ... NOEZ!

GOON: O RLY?

JOEL: This blows. I gotta get out of here before they break out the Magic the Gathering cards and.. and give each other blowjobs.

(Joel writes "PLEASE HELP ME" on a small piece of paper, wraps it around a dart, puts it into a straw and shoots it at Phil. Phil is hit in the shoulder and falls over.)

JOEL: I probably shouldn't have used a tranquilizer dart.

(Phil's head is buried in the ground. Nearby a dragon is wandering within the bedrock. Phil yanks his head out and reads the message.)

PHIL: "Help, I've been taken beyond my will by fat greasy balding Maple Story loving brain-jockeys. Please save me or I'll be forced to send my next message via ground to air missile."

(show the paper that still says "PLEASE HELP ME")

PHIL: That's what Joel should have wrote! Oh well, I got the gist of it.

(Phil opens a box with a "OPENING HAMMER". He uses it to then shatter another box with a "OTHER OPENING HAMMER", and knocks the door down.)

PHIL: Joel is in trouble!

ELLY: ROGER!

JUNE: KLOTZ!

(Phil stops Elly as she runs away from the house.)

ELLY: Using my superpowered hacker notebook I'll upload a virus into their mainframe. Should I use Reboot or Beast Wars?

PHIL: Wait, since when do you have a superpowered hacker notebook?

ELLY: Um, since always?

PHIL: Always? Or NEVER?

ELLY: Phil, stop acting weird and let's vamoose! And squirrel!

PHIL: Okay, goodbye Crazy McPsychotits.

JUNE: I'll use a reflect spell to keep them from initating awkward, mishandled conversations with me.

PHIL: A spellbook? Hold on, am I in another RPG or something? Why are things different all of a sudden? How is it possible that we made more episodes anyway? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO META?

JUNE: Relax, Phil (as June puts her hand on Phil's shoulder his arm freezes). Who cares how we came back? (in the background someone yells "WE GOT PAID") The important thing is that Joel needs our help, and if we don't save him, we'll have nobody to use as a sand wedge when we sneak into country clubs.

PHIL: You're right, Juniper. 'Important thing is that.'

JOEL: What on earth are you watching?

GOON: Only the best anime ever!

GOON 2: Don't you mean EVARRRR???

JOEL: Isn't that kind of an oxymoron?

GOON: It's about 11 year old girls who are magically powered by embarassment.

JOEL: Oh great, thanks Japan. You guys are sick. Not funny sick either. Because illness IS funny.

[CUTAWAY, JOEL sing-songs in front of a sick child: "You-uu haa-ve cho-ler-aa.. You-uu haa-ve cho-ler-aa.."]

JOEL: But no, you guys are just sick sick.

GOON: Um. We're not 4CHAN. You got us all wrong.

GOON 3: Hey do you want to read 4chan?

GOON: Totally bro let's do it.

GOON 2: Um hey my computer's not working.

GOON 3: Have you tried installing LINUX? HAHAHA!!!

GOON: LOOK OUT!

(Phil crashes down in front of the group.)

PHIL: Give us back our co-star!

GOON: Cardboard robot suits, attack!

(A group of cardboard robots slowly lumber towards Phil. Phil sits there, then decides to put things on the ground for them to trip over.)

ELLY: Alright, nerds, prepare yourselves for--

GOON: OH GOD A GIRL, (pulls Joel in front of him) PROTECT US!!

JOEL: Elly's a girl?

PHIL: Hand Joel over, or she'll.. use makeup!! And.. giggle!!

GOON: We'll do anything you want, just don't arouse us!!

JOEL: You could perhaps crawl to the ends of the earth and never make contact with society again....In other words, go home.

(Everyone is on a golf course. Phil is in a sand bunker holding Joel.)

JOEL: Well, everything's back to normal.

(Phil swings Joel at a golf ball.)

PHIL: I just wonder if those nerds will ever find a true leader..

JOEL: Why would you wonder that?

(SOMEWHERE IN NORTH DAKOTA... a bunch of goons are knocking on a door to a school. Quick zip over to Chris Crosby, looking apprehensive. He begins fumbling around his immobile chair.)

CHRIS CROSBY: Where is the "Kill Myself" lever?

{End Credits Roll}

Trivia

• Matt Wilson now refers to this episode as "The Lost Episode".