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,By Coach Cary Bayer
This is a happy story,, though don’t be surprised or disappointed if it brings a tear or two to your eyes. It concerns my 88-year-old mother,, who lives in a nursing home in Dallas and who’s now among the most present people I’ve ever known. She also happens to have Alzheimer’s Disease; note the word have, rather than suffers from.
Mom enjoys the moment, even if it’s a visit from her son who she carried in her womb for nine months, lived with for 18 years, and bragged about for 25 more, but now doesn’t know from Adam. She thinks I’m either her brother, who just died at 91 (I must have aged poorly); her husband (a corpse for 10 years); or her father (who’d be 118 if he wasn’t dead for 25 years). And I thought I was a pretty lively guy.
During my most recent visit, she was kissing and hugging a stuffed animal as if it were a new-born grandchild. I asked Mom if it was her daughter. When your mother has Alzheimer’s,, it’s important to go with her in whatever reality she happens to inhabit at the moment. She said yes, the “doll” was her daughter. So we played as if “she” were just that. Mom laughed excitedly and regularly, and asked at least a dozen times,, “We’re having a wonderful time, aren’t we?” She was right; we were. I hadn’t laughed like that with my mother since I played with stuffed animals. It was one of the most enjoyable times I remember ever spending with my mother. Yet, if any medical professional were there to judge her competence,, it wouldn’t take more than a minute to determine she was incompetent. And certainly insane by our standards as well. It takes some adjustment in your own being to know that your mother is what we used to call mad.
Unlike most of us who are anything but mad,, Mom has no past and no future: she resides in an eternal present and,, like an innocent child,, enjoys it immensely. Clearly, she enjoys it more than any adult I know,, with the exception of some gurus I have been privileged enough to have spent some time around. Mom is a child in an 88-year-old wheelchair-bound body. And like a baby, she needs her diapers. It’s ironic how life comes full cycle, as Shakespeare so eloquently described in his seven stages of man speech.
While my heart breaks to see what’s become of the mind of the woman who brought me into the world and brought me up to join it, I appreciate that she often has a merry old time, blithely unaware of her condition. If the dark cloud of Alzheimer’s has a silver lining—as I believe it does--it’s that the greatest suffering takes place among those close to the patient, far more than the patient suffers herself. It’s also that the “patient” has much to teach us. Here are just some of the things that my mother, “the patient,,” taught me during my most recent visit:
1. Enjoy the present because that’s all that you have.
2. It doesn’t matter what time it is, because time doesn’t exist.
3. You don’t have to know who people are, or what they do for a living, to have a thoroughly good time with them.
4. Stuffed animals make great playmates and,, if necessary, companions or family members.
- * *
MY MOTHER, THE NOW
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France plans before the end of the year to withdraw all combat troops, two years earlier than NATO troops.There are 6 and the French army, Afghanistan, attacks related to participate in the discussion
he was finding a “backup” for his wife
This affair was likely a result of what I call bio-chemical craving for connection - the theory that people experiencing stress,, separation or loss often are inclined toward thrill-seeking behavior and this frequently manifests itself in the form of an affair. It's a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead. It's probably the case that Edwards couldn't handle the idea of losing his wife to cancer and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It's a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person's life. It's also possible that, subconsciously,, he was finding a “backup” for his wife,, in the case that she did pass away.
The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It's hard not to let these conversations escalate,, but it's important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:
Using this as a springboard to honest discussion is crucial if you want to save a relationship.
It's been almost a year since John Edwards revealed to the public that he had had an affair with the woman that produced his videos in preparation for his campaign launch,, and now his wife has written a book about the whole thing. He came clean to his family before the scandal broke publicly and they decided to work through things. The book explores their journey through the politics and press,, and into Elizabeth's battle with cancer,, the fear that it created and the stresses placed on the family.
*Echo what you hear and validate your partner's feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional,, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
Stress of course,, also plays a factor - though his isn't an excuse for an affair and it certainly isn't relegated to politicians – although there's a reason they have a pretty high instance of marital infidelity. Traditionally,, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn't have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead,, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. I believe that just about any marriage or relationship can be saved,, and divorce isn't usually the best option – even in cases of unfaithfulness.
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</France plans before the end of the year to withdraw all combat troops, two years earlier than NATO troops.There are 6 and the French army, Afghanistan, attacks related to participate in the discussion