THE OPENING CUTSCENE!
From Create Your Own Story
The words EA PRESENTS... A BIOWARE PRODUCTION... flitter across the screen. The AUDIENCE doesn't get to learn exactly what bioware is presenting until the end of the cutscene, though. What a tease!
SCENE 1
INT: SPACE
All is quiet in the INFINITE VOID OF SEAR'S COCKS today- Until suddenly, the SS NORMANDY blasts into view, doing that cool light-speed distortion thing! Inside the cockpit:
XO PRESSLY: This is a big waste of time! I've got five minutes left on-screen, and I spend it complaining about hunting geth patrols?
NAMELESS TECH-MONKEY: You've got it better than me. All I get to do is mention that there's an unknown vessel coming up behind us. Speaking of which, there's an unknown vessel coming up behind us!
JOKER (Secure in knowing he's voiced by SETH GREEN, and thus cannot be killed off): It doesn't match any known signatures...
NAMELESS: It's converging on our position!
XO PRESSLY: Can't be- we're still in stealth mode, the geth can't dectect us!
JOKER (Smugly getting all the best lines): It's not the geth. BRACE FOR EVASIVE MANOEUVERS!
SUDDENLY, LASERS EVERYWHERE! A MYSTERIOUS SHIP begins inflicting a WORLD OF HURT upon the helpless NORMANDY! A green LASER splits the HULL in two, an explosion killing the hapless XO PRESSLY and his NAMELESS ASSISTANT instantly! Fires break out everywhere as ASHLEY WILLIAMS charges through the dying REDSHIRTS. She finally finds YOU, THE PLAYER CHARACTER, putting on your HELMET before anyone can get a glimpse of your FACE. You coy thing, you.
ASHLEY: Shepard!
YOU: Distress beacon is ready for launch. Prepare for anal penetration.
ASHLEY: Will the alliance get here in time?
The CUTSCENE smoothly seagues into GAMEPLAY as you are given the first dialogue option in the game! Sadly, it essentially amounts to saying "They'll get here", or saying "They'll get here" while being KIND OF A JERK.
You say:
