Y4H: Closing statements (4da)

From Create Your Own Story

DA: As I told you back at the beginning, this is a case about the ultimate party pooper. And now you can see how true that is.

Mrs. and Mrs. Scratcher had two good friends over, for a night of fun and games. Fun and games! But then someone said, let's bring this man over - the ultimate party pooper. There are no fun and games when he gets through! They had a party, and he pooped all over it.

Just how he stole the tape, we don't know, and we don't care. You can see what this party pooper did. He wasn't content to take Mrs. Scratcher's prize possession, her tape. He took her toys as well, her golden balls. No others have shown up in this trial! Maybe he got his girlfriend to help. She's conveniently disappeared. It doesn't matter. Those balls were in his apartment, the party pooper's apartment. He's left holding the balls. He's the real thief here.

And we know why he did it, too. His company services a major dealer in stolen goods, the very kinds of goods he stole when he spoiled the party! He's not content with servicing the fence. He has to get his hands on the goods, the balls and all the rest of it, and gives that fence what he wants! It's probably in Bangkok by now. That's what this party pooper did.

Don't let the defendant, the ultimate party pooper, escape justice. Find him guilty, members of the jury.

Doc gets up, crinkling as he struts,

Doc: Yeah, well, what's all this talk about golden balls? That tells you nothing. You know what kind of woman Ovia Scratcher is. She's probably got two of every sex toy there is. What's two balls more or less? What's one porno in a collection her size? To be frank, she's a ho. And if she is a ho, you must let him go!

And then the muses strike him, and he ends -

If she is a slut Who does her own mutt And he ain't got a cut Inside of his butt Then...uh, not guilty!

He sits down.

The DA waives her right to rebuttal argument. She seems to be stifling some kind of emotional reaction.