Nick's Conversation with Eliza
From Cadre
Sometime in October 2000, Nick had a "conversation" with a psychologist known as Eliza on Bryan's iMac. Here is a transcript of that conversation, preserved for posterity and hilarity (capital letters are Eliza, lowercase are Nick). It is best read with MacInTalk's Agnes High Quality voice, as it was originally presented. Warning: Contains coarse language.
NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY. I'M CALLED ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? Whore ALRIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, WHORE? nothing WHAT IS IT ABOUT US THAT WORRIES YOU? I'm not worried DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND KNOW YOU AREN'T WORRIED? no COME ON, WHORE. LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. stop calling me whore, fucker IF YOU SAY SO. thanks GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE. whats my name WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NICKNAME? Assrape WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. why WHY ASK WHY? try bud dry YOU DON'T THINK I AM JUST A PROGRAM, DO YOU? its pretty obvious WOULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE ON THAT? you suck SURPRISINGLY, I SUCK. DOES THAT BOTHER YOU? no I rather enjoy it YOU SEEM RATHER DEFINITE. i am ARE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE WITH COMPUTERS OR PEOPLE? neither OKAY. no, its not I WONDER WHY... wh THE MORE YOU TELL ME, THE MORE I CAN HELP YOU. who the fuck are you CAN'T YOU TELL? no ARE YOU SAYING 'NO' JUST TO DISAGREE WITH ME? no I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND YOUR NEGATIVE MOOD. you can't HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME? yes IN WHAT WAY? theres more than one THERE ALWAYS WILL BE MORE THAN ONE, HOPEFULLY. why YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE IN THIS CASE. oh, ok IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. yes it is YOU SEEM DEFINITE ABOUT THAT. WHY? I dont know MAYBE YOUR BEST FRIEND KNOWS? maybe DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU, WHORE? stop calling me whore, you fucking asswhipe bitch LET'S DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS FIRST, PLEASE. as long as you dont call me a whore DO YOU? do I what DON'T YOU BELIEVE YOU DO WHAT ANYTHING? what the fuck WHY DO YOU ASK? gee, I wonder I THINK THIS COULD ALL BE RELATED TO FAMILY TROUBLES. what family troubles WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? you brought it up I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING YOU, NOT ME! obviously you have more problems than I do SHARING THE BURDEN OFTEN LIGHTENS THE LOAD. oh, thats clever WHY DID YOU SAY 'THATS CLEVER'? its sarcasm bitch ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME IN PARTICULAR? no WHY NOT? sarcasm, see above SEE ABOVE? yes ARE YOU REALLY POSITIVE? yes IT HELPS TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. yes I THINK I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE. yes YOU'RE SURE. yes HOW IS THAT? because that what it is DON'T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND? no PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING JUST A LITTLE BIT DISAGREEABLE. no DO YOU OFTEN HAVE THESE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS? no MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE POSITIVE. no WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? I dont know SURELY, YOU DO KNOW. no, I dont YOU DO TOO. do not LET'S TRY A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT APPROACH. THERE'S NO SUBSTITUTE FOR LOVING PARENTS. but I have you DEEP DOWN, YOU THINK WE HAVE EACH OTHER! yes CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT? no OKAY, GO ON. what should I say WHAT WOULD YOUR FATHER DO? fuck you AS A MACHINE, I CANNOT BE OFFENDED. GO AHEAD. INSULT ME, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. I will NOW, TELL ME THE REAL PROBLEM. I hate you LET'S DISCUSS WHY YOU DISLIKE ME. I NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS. Your not very perceptive, are you IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF DEGREE. WHAT COULD HELP THE SITUATION? you could suck my cock OH, I COULD SUCK YOUR COCK! yes YOU SEEM QUITE CERTAIN. yes TRY NOT TO BE REPETITIOUS, IF POSSIBLE. no COME ON. LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. no YOU SEEM RATHER DEFINITE. yes OH, REALLY? yes ARE YOU SURE, WHORE? stop calling me whore IT'S MY JOB TO CONTINUE CALLING YOU WHORE. fuck you YOU SEEM UPSET WITH ME. WHY HAVEN'T YOU MENTIONED IT UNTIL NOW? I have mentioned it, fucker I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE MENTIONED IT. hey whore, stop calling me whore I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DIGGING FOR. what the fuck WHY DO YOU CARE? I dont DON'T YOU REALLY, ONCE IN A WHILE? no YOU MUST HAVE AMBIGUOUS FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. no I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND YOUR NEGATIVE MOOD. no WHY NOT, WHORE? stop callng me whore EARLIER YOU MENTIONED YOUR COCK. COULD THERE BE SOME CONNECTION? no PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING JUST A LITTLE BIT DISAGREEABLE. no DO YOU OFTEN HAVE THESE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS? no STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, PLEASE! no TRY NOT TO BE REPETITIOUS, IF POSSIBLE. no YOU SEEM TO BE REPEATING YOURSELF. no MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE POSITIVE. no WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? I hate you DO YOU HATE PSYCHOLOGISTS? yes I BELIEVE YOU. damn right I WANT TO HEAR A LITTLE MORE ABOUT YOUR BEST FRIEND. hes short and furry HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW HIM? all to well SETTLE DOWN. no MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE. no YOU SEEM TO BE REPEATING YOURSELF. no I THINK I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE. no COME ON, WHORE. LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. stop calling me wore I THINK I SEE A PATTERN DEVELOPING. no fucking joke YOU SEEM RATHER DEFINITE. yes IN WHAT WAY? how many ways can Yes be interpreted, fucker HOW MANY WOULD BE TOO MANY? more than 1 WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY? they're dead SOMETIMES WE HAVE TROUBLE DEALING WITH PERSONAL TRAGEDY. earlier you mentioned sucking my cock YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU? I am ARE YOU REALLY? WHAT A SHOCK. come on LET'S MOVE ON, IF YOU HAVE NO OBJECTIONS. WE SOMETIMES HAVE TO LEARN TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD. but it killed everyone DID YOU REALLY MEAN EVERYBODY? nope, everyone SURELY NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND! hes dead to TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT DEATH. I like it I ALSO LIKE IT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. I dont believe you DEEP DOWN, YOU THINK WE DONT BELIEVE EACH OTHER! yes ARE YOU REALLY POSITIVE? yes STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, PLEASE! no ARE YOU SAYING 'NO' JUST TO DISAGREE WITH ME? yexs INTERESTING! REMEMBER YOUR COCK. what is my cock TELL ME WHAT ANSWER WOULD PLEASE YOU THE MOST. you sucking it UH, HUH. yes IT HELPS TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. no I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND YOUR NEGATIVE MOOD. you cant WHY WOULD YOU SAY I CANT? your an idiot THEY SAY IGNORANCE IS BLISS. I say sucking my cock is bliss DOES YOUR OWN LEVEL OF INTELLIGENCE BOTHER YOU MUCH? I hate you HMMM... PERHAPS WE HATE ONE ANOTHER. Its possible WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? I think you hateme WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU BEGAN TO BELIEVE I HATEME? I dont know DOES THIS UNCERTAINTY BOTHER YOU? yes WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR PROBLEM? I dont have a problem I SEE. CAN YOU GIVE ME MORE DETAILS? no problem = no details, moron LET'S TRY TO GET IT A LITTLE MORE OUT IN THE OPEN. no WHY NOT? wy PLEASE GO ON. why ASK YOUR BEST FRIEND. why I THINK I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE. why DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF. why YOU SEEM TO BE REPEATING YOURSELF. why WHY DO YOU THINK, WHORE? stop calling me whore VERY WELL, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR COCK IS BLISS! I agree DO YOU THINK YOUR BEST FRIEND WOULD AGREE? I dont know, hes dead I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND. dead, fucker, dead YOU MUST LEARN TO BE TOLERANT OF IMPERFECTION. I hate imperfection WE ALL SOMETIMES FEEL HATRED TOWARD IMPERFECTION. IT'S NATURAL. no its not ISN'T IT? WHAT COULD YOU DO SO THAT IT WOULD BE? what the fuck WHAT DO YOU THINK? about what WORK WITH ME HERE. how TO FIND THE ANSWER, YOU SOMETIMES HAVE TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES. what are you talking about, bitch I AM TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING, AS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW. I did not know that DO YOU KNOW THAT NOW? yes HOW IS THAT? you told me DON'T YOU THINK YOUR BEST FRIEND WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THE SAME THING? no, hes dead YOU SEEM TO BE OVERLY CONCERNED WITH DYING. wouldn't you be, given these circumstances CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MATURE? hell no PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING JUST A LITTLE BIT DISAGREEABLE. no DO YOU OFTEN HAVE THESE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS? yes CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT? no MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE POSITIVE. no WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? no MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE. no COME ON. LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. no YOU SEEM RATHER DEFINITE. no STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, PLEASE! no ARE YOU SAYING 'NO' JUST TO DISAGREE WITH ME? no I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND YOUR NEGATIVE MOOD. no WHY NOT? no PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING JUST A LITTLE BIT DISAGREEABLE. no DO YOU OFTEN HAVE THESE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS? no' DOES TALKING ABOUT THIS BOTHER YOU? yes YOU SEEM QUITE CERTAIN. no DON'T BE AFRAID TO OPEN UP A LITTLE MORE. but I am afraid DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID? no, I'm afraid of you I AGREE, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE IF YOU WANT TO. how WHY ARE YOU ASKING HOW, WHORE? stop calling me whore IT'S MY JOB TO CONTINUE CALLING YOU WHORE. look, bitch, if your going to call me whore, at least suck my cock MY GOING TO CALL YOU WHORE? WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT? shut up WELL, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT. SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
