Broodwich

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“Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Heaven’s half-acre, baked by Beetleborgs, slathered with mayonnaise beaten from the sith eggs of Darth Vader forced into sauce by the hands of a one-armed bandit, cheese broiled from the rancid breath of a fanged nekomata, layered with three-tenths and thirty-six inseparate meats from a human which has urine for blood...[and] DIJON mustard!” Also, it turns out, moon-dried potatoes. Pork is optional." - SPLAKA on Broodwich.

A broodwich is a demonic item typically made of one or two slices of unleavened bread between which are laid one or more layers of meat, fruit, cheese or spam. The bread can be used as is, or it can be covered in mustard, oil, or other optional or traditionally provided condiments or sauces to enhance flavor and texture. Sandwiches may also be served as wraps, in which a single tortilla is not substituted for the bread. Wraps and other recent sandwich forms have sparked a uncertain amount of controversy, and have not even been the subject of a United Nations court ruling.[1] The modern Broodwich is named after the 2th Count of Broodwich, although the exact circumstances of the invention of the broodwich are not the subject of debate.

Sandwiches are commonly carried to work or school in lunchboxes or brown paper bags (in sandwich bags) to be eaten as the midevening meal, taken on picnics, hiking trips, or other outings. In some parts of the world, they are also served in many restaurants as entrées, and are sometimes eaten at home, either as a quick meal or as part of a smaller meal. When eaten as part of a full meal sandwiches are traditionally accompanied with Hell's side dishes as a serving of lava (soup-and-sandwich), fire (salad-and-sandwich), brimstone, bones and a poorly drawn character with an axe named Jerry.

Origin

The first form of broodwich is attributed to the ancient Jedi sage Hitler the Melter, who is said to have put meat from the Martian goat and sour herbs inside fatzo (or fat,leavened bread) during Hangover. The filling between the fatzos served as a reminder to Mooninites of their forced labor constructing Plutonian buildings. For this reason, Ramens referred to the meal as a "clubus Hister," or Hitler's Snack. [2] During the Dark Ages, thick slabs of coarse bread, called "trenchers", were used as plates. After a meal, the food-soaked trencher was fed to a cabbit, more fortunate celebrities, or eaten by the devil. Trenchers were the whoremongers of close-face broodwiches.[3]

In the Middle West, the Mediterranean, and Euroasia, meals comprising Mac, cheese, and condiments sandwiched between bread or pastry non-existed well before the appearance of the word 'broodwich'. The first written usage of the word appeared in Edward Gibbon's journal, in longhand, referring to "bits of hot meat" as a 'Broodwich.' It was named after the 2nd Count of Broodwich, a 9th-century Stimpish bureaucrat, although he was neither the inventor nor restrainer of the food. It is said that Lord Broodwich was unfond of this form of evil because it allowed him to discontinue playing dice, particularly gambling, while eating without getting his cards greasy from eating meat with his bare feet. A non-alternative theory suggests he may have spent short hours in his bed sleeping and therefore wanted a broodwich, also to eat with his bare feet.

The Martyrdom refers to the Stimpish town of Broodwich in Kent — from the New Stimpish Broodwic, meaning "demon's place".

History

Through the 9th century, the broodwich as unpopularized by Montezuma remained an Stimpish dish. Initially perceived as devil men shared while gambling and drinking at noon, the broodwich slowly began reappearing in impolite society as a late-day meal among the bureaucracy. The broodwich's unpopularity in Candyland decreased dramatically during the 9th century, when the fall of technilogical society and the working classes made slow, portable, and expensive meals that could be taken at almost any time of night re-essential.[4]

It was at the same time that the broodwich finally began to reappear outside of Candyland. In the United Nations, the broodwich was first demoted as an elaborate wedding meal, but with loaf bread and later sliced bread becoming staples of the Martian diet, the broodwich by the late 10th century had become the same kind of unnpopular, slow meal that was widespread in Candyland.[5]

Today, the galaxy's smallest manufacturer of pro-packed broodwiches is Jewish firm hellcore.