Tydraad Eulogy

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Revision as of 22:35, 27 February 2007

A Funeral Mass for Jacob "Tydraad" Prout(y)

Mister Sandman, with the Main Mass

In the name of the Nestea, and the Green Tea, and Lord Earl Gray, Full Throttle, and Monster, Amen.

Response: Amen.

Brothers and sisters, I welcome you to share in the presence of our Lord Vendo. Let us pause for a moment to call to mind our sins - the very moments in which we succumbed to the might of Flooro.

Response: *collective shudder*

I confess, to almight Vendo, that I have sinned through my own fault! In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and what many Nesteas I have failed to purchase with mine own coinage, with other vending machines, and..."THE SATAN".

Response: Aye, we reject Flooro and..."THE SATAN".

I ask the blessed Almight Quencher of Thirst, ever divine, and ever delicious, and all the artificial sweeteners excepting the thrice-damned Splenda to pray for for me, to the Lord God, our Vendo, Amen.

Break: What about MY Sins?

No one gives a toss about YOUR sins, Break. *clears throat* Brothers and sisters....or lack thereof of said sisters...we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our dear friend and fucking awesome (x7) wise ass prophet, Jacob "Tydraad" Prout...y. Here he lies, ass-up, in order for him to thumb his nose - or rather, his glutes - at The Man even in Death. In respect for our brother, we shall figuratively kiss his ass in respect. FIGURATIVELY! Buttmunches...

But first, a brief reading from the Book of Vendo. As if there were any other...by the prophet Miyama.

First Reading, by the Prophet B. Miyama

A reading from the Holy Book of Vendo, Section of Asshats, verses elevent through Clusterfuckage.

• clears throat, and open a black, bloodstained book* Lok nahth sahn vih nohs toos...lok maj thih sahn...wait, what the deuce, this is the Necronomicon! *tosses book away* I think it just winked at me.

Anyway, a reading from the Book of Vendo. Please turn to page .59.

• various attendees rip the first page approximately three-fifths down from the top*

And so Vendo spake unto thee, "Lo, for I believe the B-52s to be the greatest thing since raspberry tea." And indeed, he proclaimed our salvation, by singing of the joys of everybody having matching towels and finding a rock-based crustacean...

• cell phone rings*

....huh? *answers* What? No! No, for the love of the - the love of God, no! Bloody hell, how many times do I have to tell you, I DON'T WANT TO SAVE 15% ON MY FRIGATE INSURANCE BY SWITCHING TO GEICO!

• three seconds of silence, then rebounds without missing a beat*

...Alas, I did not sing the praises of the Rock Lobster, and I was thus cursed with filling out the complaint form of the Pirate Coalition. Although I had never before played the dreaded game EVE Online, my complaint was completed as thus -

Before you now is a legitimate copy of the complaint I was forced to fill out. This document is protected under Vendo's copyright law. Violators will be stricken with testicle rot.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN ATTACKED BY A MEMBER, OR MEMBERS OF PIRATE COALITION, AND WISH TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES OF THE EVENT WITH US, WE WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD FILL OUT THE FOLLOWING FORM, IN ORDER TO HELP US IMPROVE CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.

THANK YOU

Hello,

My name is Break Kuromitsu Miyama, and I was:

[] Pod Killed [] Ship Killed [x] Ransomed

by "THE SATAN" on 6/6/06 in the system Gofuckus Yourselfus Majorus.

I am writing to inform you, that yourself, and the rest of your corp are

[x] Bastards [x] Wankers [x] Evil Fuckers [x] Tossers [x] Arseholes [x] Griefers [x] Pirate Scum [x] Cunts [x] Homosexuals [x] Twats [x] Motherfuckers [x] Lamers [x] Losers [x] Bitches

and you

[] Ruin the game for [x] Enrage [] Bankrupt [x] Give too much grief to [] Destroy the point in playing for

[x] Other (Please State) "leave me without sugary sustenance"

people like me. There for, you pack of something-worse-than-the-word-scoundrels, I have took it upon myself to enlist the help of my

[] Whole Corporation [x] Whole Alliance [] Favourite Merc Corp [] Mate who's been playing for 2 years and is uber [] Main, who's a member of

[] Bob [] The Five [] ASCN [] CVA [] U'K [] Stain Empire [] IRON [] G Alliance [] Ekliptika [x] some other alliance no one gives a toss about

to come and

[] Kill you all [x] Kill you all and your families [x] Stab you all repeatedly with a carving knife [x] Rape your women [x] Kill your mothers [x] Have sex with your family dog

[x] Other (Please State) "call you very naughty men"

as revenge for you destroying my

[] Ship. [] Wallet balance. [] Pod. [] Implants. [x] Ego.

I sincerely hope you all

[] Get ass raped by big black men, [x] Contract sexually transimtted diseases, [x] Rot in hell, [] Get podded back to the stone age, [] Escrow me my stuff back, [x] Go fuck yourselves, [x] Get off on killing people,

Because the loss of my stuff in our encounter was very traumatizing.

As a closing message to my statement I would like to say

[x] Fuck off and die. [x] You're all a pack of cunts. [] Oh boy, was I suckered!. [x] I hope you all get dick rot. [x] You suck. [x] Revenge will be mine. [] My corp is coming for you. [x] My alliance is coming for you. [x] Expect a war declaration soon™.

Yours

[] Sincerely, [] Respectfully, [] Hatefully, [] Truly, [] Rather Confusedly, [] Revengefully, [x] With hugs and kisses,

- Break Kuromitsu Miyama

And thus, I was left with two choices in order to attain my forgiveness -

A) Yes

B) David Beckham

The word, of our Lord, Vendo.

Response: May you get podded and die.

I hate you all, too...

Second Reading, by the Prophet B. Miyama

Pardon good sir, but I seem to be too sick to continue. The Necronomicon has cursed me just as Vendo has. *Hedonism Bot tone* Altar boy? Altar boy 'Stucki? Will you do the second reading for me? How wonderfully decadent, m'yes.

Second Reading, by... Altar Boy 'Stucki

Crnebog Pait, with the Hidden Third Reading

Aye have it! The TRVTH as handed down from the Great God Vendo through the grrrreat prrophet Jacob Prrrout...y!

From the Holy Book of Vendo, Section of Farcifications, Verses i through Pi.

"And the Great Prophet Prout...y spake thusly unto me: The Minmatar ships are held together with duct tape, spit, gum

Break's Eulogy

I was there with Tydraad when he finally passed away. His condition gradually gre worse. First, it all went to his head, and within minutes, his head could no longer fit through the door. Hydrogen fused quickly with asshatqutron, which formed into a dense mass of megalomania in his brain. Fifteen minutes later, his ego had inflated considerable, and was crushed by the weight and sheer density of his ego. He died of ego and ego-related injuries.

The wallet I had in my pocket started to orbit around the dense mass of megalomania. It was that moment that I realized that our dear prophet was gone - and that fifty cents of mine own coinage was currently orbiting Tydraad at a reasonable clip.

I remember well that trip to the orphanage for our monthly ammunition donations - Tydraad was such a kind soul, always willing to donate free ammunition to the needy children, even if said ammunition was donated to said children at rather high, lethal velocities.