Page 208: Comedy A-Go-Go
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7UQMRf Awesome post. Great.
FulInz Im grateful for the blog article.Much thanks again. Keep writing.
BSZnj2 Thanks-a-mundo for the post.Really thank you! Much obliged.
Part 4
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on a very smelly room (although the people watching the show can’t really tell). Since Timmy has been unable to clean it, it has grown to a point of pure putrid gross-ness. Eliza Thornberry, mysteriously, took a strange out-of-country vacation out of the blue, and NEVER CAME BACK. Well, actually, she’s only been gone a week. We think she went to that unnamed tropical island that Jimmy’s probably still “stranded” on. We see Cosmo in the corner, drooling up at the ceiling with a very Patrick-esque expression on his face.
Wanda chucks a small rock at him to get his attention.
“Huh? Oh. Welcome… to Craziness with Cosmo!” He blurbs, tugging at his collar nervously (as Wanda is giving him a ‘GET FOCUSED’ death-glare). “On today’s show, we’re going to interview a nicktoon star who can stand the unnatural, downright filthy state of Timmy’s bedroom… Listen to our special musical guest… AND watch my godson squirm in anguish in the unbreakable steel bars of a very large birdcage!”
We hear Timmy’s voice. He sounds raspy and hoarse, as if he has been deprived of food and oxygen. “Cosmo… PLEASE, LET ME OUT!”
Unfortunately, this reminds Cosmo of a fellow Nicktoon song, and he starts to hum it to himself. “Please let me in! I dropped mah keys in the drain again! Please let me in! Knock-kno- OW!”
This time, Wanda has tossed a rather large boot at Cosmo’s big, squishy head. He recoils in pain.
“AAAH! WHY DOES IT HURT?!!”
Wanda motions for him to move on so he doesn’t accidentally make references to other nicktoons in the form of quotes.
“Anyway... As you already know…” Cosmo takes a moment to rub his sore forehead. “Craziness with Cosmo is dedicated to helping educate the masses. I conigli assisteranno la scuola militare!”
Wanda translates. “That’s Italian for ‘the rabbits will assist the military school.’”
“I thought it meant ‘my wife tossed an old boot at me and it hurts!’” Cosmo moans.
“Well, you’re wrong.” Wanda points to the bruise on her husband’s forehead. “Look what my boot did to you.”
Cosmo casually glances upwards, then feels around the tender area where the shoe hit his head. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” He shrieks, before flying around in little, panicked circles. “THE PAIN! THE PAAAAAAAAINNNNNN!!!”
Wanda clears her throat, leaving the camera to float by itself with the use of magic. She flies over to Cosmo’s little wooden chair and pushes him out of it. He falls to the ground and begins to suck his thumb, squeaking like an infant.
“Anyway…” Wanda knows that every show, no matter how stupid, must go on. “Please welcome our special Nicktoon guest… Put your hands together for…” She squints at the notecard. “Hold on a sec, I can’t read Cosmo’s handwriting… Springboo Squirepin? No… Spongebob Squarepants!”
The doors burst open, and in walks the invertebrate in question, waving to the nonexistent audience before taking a seat opposite Wanda.
“I’M READY!” He calls out, in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.
WANDA: Welcome to Craziness with Cosmo!
SPONGEBOB: Thanks! It’s great to be here, Cosmo!
WANDA: I’m not Cosmo. That would be my husband, who’s on the floor… sucking his thumb…
SPONGEBOB: Why?
WANDA: Cuz he’s such a momma’s boy. (irritably) Can we move on?
SPONGEBOB: Sure.
WANDA: So, uh… Spongebob… What’s your goal in life?
SPONGEBOB: To become an internationally known fry-cook! Everyone should know that.
WANDA: (thinking) Not me, apparently, I just asked the question, kelp-for-brains. (out loud) Of course. Who do you think will best help you achieve your goal?
SPONGEBOB: That’s an easy one! My good friend… Squidward.
Somewhere in Bikini Bottom, Squidward Tentacles is watching TV.
“Whatever.”
SPONGEBOB: He’s always there for me, and whenever I need help, his kind words of wisdom always cheer me up!
WANDA: Well, that’s great, sport. (glances at next question) Is it true that Sandy Cheeks is in fact your girlfriend?
SPONGEBOB: No, but she is my… squirrelfriend!
Drum + Symbols, played by Gary: Ba-dum-CHEE!
WANDA: (faking a laugh) Heh-heh… Yeah.
SPONGEBOB: (taking a bow) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I got a million of ‘em.
WANDA: Uh… sure, ok. So, Spongebob, tell us: What’s it like being 26 and STILL not having your drivers’ license?
SPONGEBOB: Oh, it’s not so bad, really. Even though I’ve taken my driving test 243-
GARY: Meow.
SPONGEBOB: 244 times already, I’m sure one of these days I’ll get it right.
WANDA: I see. One last question: Are you related to Cosmo? (thinking) Cuz that would explain a LOT….
SPONGEBOB: Hmmm… I don’t know. Why do you ask?
WANDA: No reason.
Suddenly, Mama Cosma bursts through the doorway, clutching a giant butterfly net which she is waving around in the air like a baton.
“HOLD EVERYTHING! I have reason to believe this… sponge-like creature is my long-lost son, Bobmo, transformed into a sponge and forced to live in a pineapple for 32 years! He misbehaved at the Fairy Academy.”
Wanda nods. “He’s all yours.”
Mama Cosma swings her net over Spongebob and drags him away. You can hear him begging for mercy.
“PLEASE! NO! I’ve been a sponge all my life! I NEED MY WATER HELMET!!!” His voice gradually gets raspier and raspier. “Need… water…!”
His pleading screams drown away in the bedroom as Mama Cosma POOFs back to Fairyworld with him. Cosmo, still oblivious, has no idea what’s been going on.
“Getting back on focus…” Wanda glances at the notecard. “It’s time to meet our sponsors!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.
We focus in on a random line of scantily-clad women who are dancing around and kicking in the air like morons.
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS, HE’S THE KING! BIG BOB’S BEEPERS, RING RING RING!”
From the darkness behind them, “Big” Bob Pataki suddenly erupts from the curtains, wielding his mighty scepter and wearing his belt with the diamond notches.
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS!” They sing again.
It’s Bob’s turn to speak up. “Hey there. I’m Big Bob Pataki, and this weekend we’re having our monthly beeper sale. You don’t want to miss it! Everything is 30% off, but only for a limited time, so hurry down to-“
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS!”
“-you won’t regret it.”
The girls re-form their little dancey line, twirling around like wind-up dolls. One of them raises her arms as a little pager noise goes off.
“Whoops! Somebody beeped me!”
“BIG BOB’S BEEEEEPERS!”
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
“Without financial support from our sponsors- and much-needed publicity- Craziness with Cosmo wouldn’t be where it was today, which is practically nowhere.” Wanda’s so pessimistic, ne?
“So, who’s the musical guest gonna be?” Cosmo speaks up for the first time, curiously gazing up at his wife.
“I dunno. I thought you did!”
They sit there in silence, mutual panic. No musical guest?
As if on cue, the doors suddenly burst open- and in walks a dignified Cindy Vortex, clutching a sheet of notebook paper.
“Hello there.” Wanda greets. “Can we help you?”
“Yeah. Jimmy and his dork-friends are still on that island… and so’s your little helper, Eliza What’s-her-face.” Cindy points out. “And so, they’ve asked me to come… and perform my poetry.”
“Well, ok.” Wanda consents. “We needed a pointless diversion from the frequent absence of The Llama Lords of Science.”
Cindy clears her throat and begins to read out loud.
“An Inverse Anthem to Jimmy Neutron.
By Cindy Vortex.
What do we know about someone so slow?
Both on his feet and his show-offy head.
His hair’s big and poofy, his grin is too doofy,
His know-it-all-brain is filled up with lead!
And now we move on, to what really is lame.
His outfit’s chock-full of fashion do-nots,
And that’s the worst kind! He’s probably color-blind,
One look at his clothing and I’m seeing spots!
His dad’s unathletic despite how much he trains,
His mother’s the only one with any real brains,
His dog is made from garbage and tin,
And anything else from that recycling bin!
So somewhere men are laughing,
And somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Retroville…
Because Jimmy is an IDIOT!”
Cindy takes a bow, and without another word, walks out of the room.
Many people blink.
(Somewhere Deep in Cyberspace)
MEGABYTE: Ha! Ha! Ha! Too bad this show gets Cancelled after 5 episodes
Part 5
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on a retro-colored room. Light pink peace signs are painted all over the walls. The carpet glows a neon green. We see Cosmo in the corner with a large purple afro, meditating…
You are now very afraid.
“WELCOME TO CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!” He exclaims, before regaining his hippie composure. “I mean, peace, man.”
Wanda rolls her eyes. “Recently, Cosmo’s taken up an eerie obsession with love and peace…”
“Psychedelic!” Cosmo yells, moving his head to both sides almost mechanically.
Wanda ignores him. “I may have to do the show again. You know Cosmo has a very serious case of the Stupid…”
“HERE I COME!!! …Mr. Fairy Universe!”
“And now he just won’t SHUT UP!”
We hear a distressed shriek from the far corner of the room. “WANDAAA! LET ME OUT OF THIS BIRDCAGE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!”
“You love Pete? Oooooooooooh!” Cosmo squeals, giggling like an excited schoolgirl. “I KNEW you had a crush on him! It was like, SO obvious, and… OW!”
Wanda hits Cosmo with a jar of mayonnaise. He falls to the floor, screaming in anguish.
“Sorry you had to hear that.” Wanda sighs in the floating camera’s direction. “On today’s show, we’ll be interviewing a special nicktoon star, listening to our special musical guest and watching Timmy invoke his sleepless fury onto the heavy iron bars of that gargantuan birdcage.”
A loud bang, not unlike what you might hear if an enraged 10-year old boy with fairy godparents flung himself at the walls of a large pet cage.
“The mysteriously small cast of Craziness with Cosmo goes out of their way to educate the masses! Well, sweetie, would you like to do the honors?” Wanda asks her husband.
Cosmo perks up before re-claiming his spot in the wooden chair. “ALL RIGHT! Een boze worm is binnen mijn broek!”
Wanda translates. “Roughly translating, that means, in Dutch: A wicked person worm is within my pants. Oh for the love of Pete! How weird that sounded.”
Cosmo gasps. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, WANDA!!! My one true love… And you’ve been seeing Pete all along! I KNEW IT! How could you steal your love from me?! And worse… How could you steal Pete from Timmy!?!”
“Listen, pudd’n, this conversation needs to END before it ups the age rating of our show.” Wanda coughs. “Erm… It’s just an expression, anyway.”
“An expression of love!” Cosmo pouts. “Anyway, please welcome our special Nicktoon star… Jenny Wakeman!”
A robot girl of 15 or 16 (although, in reality, she’s only 5) walks in the room, making whirr and clang noises as her heavy metal feet hit the ground. She takes a seat opposite Cosmo- and breaks the chair. Luckily, she is able to convert the bottom half of her body into a new one. A cool blue-and-white one.
“It’s great to be here, Cosmo. Can we begin the interview?” She asks sweetly.
COSMO: So, Jenny… I hear you’re the world’s first teenage cabbage.
JENNY: Robot, actually. Close enough.
COSMO: (nods) Fascinating. So, if you’re a teenager, you must have a whole truckload of crushes, and I wanna know them all!
JENNY: This may take a while. Lesse… The Silver Shell, Don Prima, Kirk Chrispatrick, Prad Bitt…
NARRATOR FROM SPONGEBOB: SEVERAL HOURS LATER… JENNY: …That’s all of them.
COSMO: You forgot Pete! But you can’t have him, because he belongs to Timmy.
JENNY: (blinks) Okaaayyy… (glances over at Timmy) Oh, he’s wearing pink. That explains a lot.
TIMMY: YOU SICK-MINDED FREAKOS!!! Let me outta here!!!
JENNY: He sounds distressed.
TIMMY: NO DUH! I’ve been locked in a birdcage for over three weeks! I haven’t eaten or slept!
COSMO: Or gone to the bathroom!
TIMMY: (starts to blush) Actually, uhhh…
JENNY: (giggles nervously) Let’s move on…
COSMO: Okie-dokie! So, Jen… How were you created?
JENNY: My mom created me. Not like yours did, of course.
COSMO: My mom didn’t create me, you silly! I’m from the stork. (nods intelligently)
JENNY: (thinking) He’s 40,000 years older and yet more naïve. (out loud) Well, my mom put me together with her own bare hands! I’m a robot, you know.
COSMO: Well, that’s what I thought initially. But when you came in here, you told me you were a cabbage.
JENNY: What? That was you. I’m a robot. NOT a cabbage.
COSMO: (singing) Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage…
JENNY: (annoyed) Hey, you… LISTEN TO ME! Repeat after me: Jenny = Robot.
COSMO: Jenny = Cabbage!
JENNY: (becoming more irritated) ROBOT.
COSMO: CABBAGE.
JENNY: (seething with fury) ROBOT.
COSMO: (stubbornly) CABBAGE!
Long, stand-offy silence.
JENNY: RAARRRRGGGGGG!!!
Jenny starts to go insane, ripping apart the set with unfocused contempt. “You… IDIOT!”
“Wow… what a mood swing.” Cosmo observes. “RESTRAIN HER!”
Wanda obeys. She calls in the security guards/asylum monitors, who march in, grab Jenny roughly by the shoulders, and begin to drag her away (despite it being an impossibility, since Jenny has ‘the strength of a million and seventy men’.)
“LET ME GO!”
The security guards drag her through the doorway, which promptly shuts afterward. There is silence on what little remains of the set.
“Anyway…” Cosmo tugs at his collar. “And now, a word from our sponsors!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS. YES, WE ARE VERY REPETITIVE.
Four kids, Jack, Jill, Janice and Poindexter, to be precise… Are sitting in a room, boredly staring up at the ceiling.
“I’m bored!” Jack complains.
‘I’m bored too!” Jill agrees.
“I’m so bored, my liver is starting to play checkers with my small intestine!” Janice says.
Jill and Jack stare at her.
Poindexter interrupts. “What we need is… FLIPPING TECHNOLOGY!”
“Huh?” Jill, Jack, and Janice ask simultaneously.
The narrator butts in. “Introducing… FLIPSIE, THE FLIPPING DOG!”
We see a small toy puppy on-screen, doing little flippy tricks. Jack, Jill, and Janice watch, utterly fascinated.
“It’s flipping AND it’s cute!” Poindexter exclaims.
“What more could you ask for?” Jill giggles.
They sit there and watch Flipsie for hours… and hours… and hours… and hours. But you can’t really tell, because they speed up time in the commercial to cut down the cost.
“FLIPSIE THE FLIPPING DOG! Makes barking sounds! Just flick on the switch and watch him go! You’ll be amused for hours!”
Jack, Jill, Janice, and Poindexter all gather around Flipsie, trying to hug him.
“WE LOVE YOU, FLIPSIE!”
Flipsie, Oh Flipsie, the flipping dog!
You’ll have fun with him all day long!
That didn’t rhyme, but we don’t care!
Available in stores everywhere!
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
Cosmo takes a moment to fluff up his funky purple afro. “And now, our special musical guest… THE LLAMA LORDS OF SCIENCE!”
A stage appears out of nowhere with a POOF! The velvety red curtains are slowly drawn backwards…
And we see what looks suspiciously like Ginger, Dodie and Macie with Jimmy, Sheen and Carl masks on.
“Thank-you, thank-you!” Ginger/Jimmy calls out, in her best boy voice. “It’s great to be here tonight! I’m Jimmy Neutron! Yep! Jimmy Neutron, your average boy genius with an excruciatingly large head!”
“And I’m Sheen… Uh… I forgot my last name…” Dodie/Sheen blabs. “Um… I’m… wearing a green shirt with an ugly purple guy on it?”
Somewhere on that unnamed tropical island (presumably in his hotel room), Sheen is watching TV.
“That’s ESTEVEZ! SHEEN ESTEVEZ! And how dare she insult Ultralord!”
“And I’m Mac- I mean, Carl Wheezer.” Macie/Carl wheezes. “I’m allergic to just about everything.”
Cosmo looks oblivious, but Wanda knows something’s up.
“You’re not the Llama Lords of Science.” She snaps.
“Yes we are!” Ginger/Jimmy responds. “Look at our amazingly real 3-D heads!”
Wanda takes a minute to observe them.
“Looks like pictures of their 3-D heads printed onto 2-D pieces of cardboard, which you girls have taped to your faces.” Wanda points out. “Although, Macie, you’d make an excellent Carl. Have you two met?”
Macie nods. “Summer Allergies Affiliates Society. Three-year membership. So, yes, we are associated.”
“Ah. Well, regardless, for impersonating Jimmy Neutron and his crew, you will be now be kicked out of the studio. GUARDS!”
The security guards/asylum monitors march on-set. Ginger/Jimmy gasps.
“YOU CAN’T KICK US OUT!”
“Yes we can.” Wanda corrects her.
“Hey… We could sing a song about that!” Ginger/Jimmy exclaims. “A-HEM!”
Please Don’t Kick Us Out (to the tune of ChalkZone’s Please Let Me In, which the author is currently obsessed with)
By Ginger, Dodie, and Macie
“Please don’t kick us out!
Otherwise we’ll just cry and pout!
Please don’t kick us out!
Big jerks, mean-heads, you don’t even give a care!
Please don’t kick us out!
We’re sorry and we promise not to scream or shout!
Just as long as you will hear us through and promise not to KICK US OUT!
We came barging through your front door!
Is… that… so… wrong?!
We wouldn’t make our viewers snore!
Cuz they can’t cheer while they’re sleepin’!
We were hopin’ for a big encore!
There’s nothing wrong!
We shouldn’t have been starry even said that we were sorry and I guess we just don’t want to be kicked out!
OH-
Please don’t kick us out!
Otherwise we’ll just cry and pout!
Please don’t kick us out!
Big jerks, mean-heads, you don’t even give a care!
Please don’t kick us out!
We’re sorry and we promise not to scream or shout!
Just as long as you will hear us through and promise not to KICK US OUT!”
Ginger/Jimmy, Dodie/Sheen, and Macie/Carl bow. The security guards/asylum monitors look at each other, shrug, and kick them out.
(AC's Home)
AC: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I got my Spice Back!!! MEGABYTE, WATCH OUT! AC IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!
