Episode 415: Closed Book
From Accct Wiki
Current revision as of 13:01, 8 March 2008
A dimensional portal opened in the middle of a dingy-looking theater. Two people exited the portal before it closed. One, the male, looked similar to a court jester, only his head wasn’t quite connected to his body and his hands weren’t attached to any arms. The other looked like a female human, only she had pink hair and yellow eyes. She dressed like a witch. “Okay, Dimentio,” the witch said. “Where do you think we are now?”
“How should I know, Luna?” the jester, presumably Dimentio, rebutted. “My warps have been messing up a lot lately. When they do work, I end up in some strange place that I really didn’t mean to arrive at...”
At that moment, a teenage boy rushed up to them. His skin was a golden color and he had glasses and no nose. He had red-orange hair that looked like it was made of yarn. “Hey there!” he greeted them cheerfully. “Welcome to the Muppet Cabaret! Can I get you two a seat? I see you've dressed for the occasion! Nice dress, madam.”
“Wha...?” Dimentio and Luna both looked down at their clothes to find they had changed. Dimentio was now wearing a jet-black tuxedo with faint purple and yellow trim. Luna’s witch outfit had transformed into a fancy navy blue dress with purple ribbons. “Oh, David,” she exclaimed, forgetting for a moment that Dimentio didn’t really like to be called by his real name anymore. “It's just like our prom, only with cute animals!”
Dimentio rolled his eyes. “So there were a bunch of crazed puppets at our prom?” he asked sarcastically. He had recognized where they were as soon as he saw that boy. They were in the Muppet universe, and the boy was Scooter, resident go-fer of the Muppet Show theater.
“Let me take you to your table,” Scooter said. He led them to a table for two, right next to the stage. “Enjoy! Best seats here.” With that, he left.
“Such wonderful service!” Luna exclaimed, a look of pure joy on her face.
Dimentio’s reaction, however, was slightly less enthusiastic. “Meh, you see one Henson universe, you've seen 'em all.” He leaned back to take a nap. “Wake me if you see Jareth...” he muttered.
At that moment, the host of the Muppet Show, Kermit the Frog, walked onstage. “Welcome to the Muppet Cabaret!” he greeted the audience. “Tonight's special guest, playing with The Electric Mayhem, is a musician that worked with Jim Henson himself! So, ladies and gentlemen, performing with the big band of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, give a big round of applause to David Bowie!” He left the stage, cheering and waving his arms in the air in his usual fashion.
Dimentio immediately woke up. “Bowie, really???” The curtains rose, revealing the in-house rock band and a certain British glam rock star wearing an outfit that harkened back to his days as Ziggy Stardust. “Yep, that’s him,” Dimentio said. “Go Bowie!”
Dr Teeth, the leader of the band, turned to the audience and shouted, “Yeah, this is Dr. Teeth, and we're gonna boogie!” With that, the band started playing and all of them, including David Bowie himself, started singing.
Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl
I could escape this feeling, with my china girl I feel a wreck without my, little china girl I hear her heart beating, loud as thunder Saw the stars crashing
I’m a mess without my, little china girl Wake up mornings where’s my, little china girl I hear hearts beating, loud as thunder I saw they stars crashing down
I stumble into town just like a sacred cow Visions of swastikas in my head Plans for everyone It’s in the white of my eyes
My little china girl You shouldn’t mess with me I’ll ruin everything you are I’ll give you television I’ll give you eyes of blue I’ll give you men who want to rule the world
And when I get excited My little china girl says Oh baby just you shut your mouth She says ... shhhh She says She says
Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl
The audience applauded. Dimentio stared in awe for a few seconds. “Don’t say anything. Luna,” he said.
“Why?” Luna asked.
“I need to relish in the fact that I just got to see Bowie perform live. Granted, it was with Muppets, but still...”
The amphibious MC came back onstage. “Now, we're going to try something special that we've never done before!” Kermit said animatedly to the audience. “We're going to pick two lucky audience members, and they shall perform with David Bowie himself! Let's see...” His Saturn-shaped eyes scanned the wide audience. “How about this lovely couple right next to the stage? The jester and the witch. If you two are interested, come on down!”
“OMIGOSH YES!!!” Dimentio practically leaped onto the stage. Thankfully, Luna walked onstage in a more civilized manner.
Kermit smiled as they arrived onstage. “Now, you two just pick any single song, and you shall perform it with him, while The Electric Mayhem backs you up,” he told them.
“Well, if Dimentio would just let go of David Bowie's leg...”
Dimentio had instantly clung to David Bowie’s left leg and absolutely refused to let go. This was probably not such a good experience for the British former glam rock star. “Um, we're experiencing technical difficulties,” Kermit told the audience. “We're going to take a short break, but we'll be right back!” He whispered aside to Rowlf the Dog. “We're going to need Dr. Bob!”
After the stage had been cleared, the next sketch(Veterinarian’s Hospital) began. “And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing stooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs!” said the announcer as Rowlf walked on in green hospital scrubs.
“Like, Dr Bob! Your next patients are here!” Janice, also in hospital scrubs, told Rowlf.
“Patients?” Rowlf, as Dr Bob, asked. “Why more than one?”
Miss Piggy started to snicker under her breath. “They’re... um, conjoined, Dr Bob.” She lifted the operating table sheet, revealing Dimentio still clinging to David Bowie’s leg.
“SOMEONE GET THIS FREAK OFF MY LEG!!!” David Bowie shouted in an exasperated tone.
Meanwhile, in another dimension, two teenage girls were giggling about what they had just written. “That should so happen if they made a new Muppet Show!” the blonde girl said, snickering.
“Yeah! I can imagine,” the brunette said. She started doing a mock-impression of Scooter. “David Bowie! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr Bowie! Can I get you anything, sir?” Then she started to impersonate David Bowie. “Yes, one thing,” she said as she mimicked pulling something out of a drawer. “Get me a restraining order!” She pitched her Bowie-impression up a bit, presumable trying to be Dimentio. “Oh, come on! All I wanted was an autograph... and maybe some of your hair...” This sent both girls into a fit of giggles. They soon got over their gigglefits and went back to writing.
Backstage, Kermit was still trying to separate the jester from the rocker. “Hey, can someone get a crowbar to pry that guy off of David?” he asked.
“No good,” Gonzo the Great told him. “I used all the crowbars in my last act.”
“I don’t wanna know...”
For no reason whatsoever, the two girls who had been writing this were also backstage. The blonde, Maddie, was laughing her head off about this whole thing. The brunette, Jess, tried thinking of a good way to get Dimentio off of David Bowie. Suddenly, she had an idea. “When in doubt, Shout it out!” she exclaimed. She bent down to Dimentio’s ear, which would’ve been near Bowie’s knee. “Dimentio... Dimentio... DIMENTIO!!! GET OFF OF DAVID BOWIE!!!”
At this, Dimentio promptly freed Bowie’s left leg. “S-sorry about that, David...” he told his idol. “I got a little excited...”
“A little?” Luna rolled her eyes.
“Okay, now you can do that number,” Jess said, smiling. Maddie giggled again.
“Okay, what song do you guys wanna do?” Kermit asked the Marioverse pair.
Immediately, Dimentio replied with “Dance Magic!” Luna just went along with it, as she didn’t know many Bowie songs herself.
“I can’t wait to see it!” Maddie exclaimed.
“Me either,” Jess said. “C'mon, let's go sit down and watch.”
They both made their way to the seats. Jess pulled some popcorn out of nowhere and the two artists munched on it while waiting for the number to start up.
Kermit half-ran out onstage to introduce the next number. “The Muppet Cabaret is proud to present, singing with David Bowie, Dimentio and Luna! YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!” The curtains rose to reveal David Bowie in his outfit from Labyrinth, as well as Dimentio and Luna. They began to perform their song.
You remind me of the babe (What babe?) Babe with the power (What power?) Power of voodoo (Who do?) You do (Do what?) Remind me of the babe
I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry What could I do? My baby's love had gone and left my baby blue Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use Slime and snails or puppy dog tails Thunder or lightning Then baby said...... Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Put that baby spell on me Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Put that magic jump on me Slap that baby, make him free
I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try What could I do? My baby's fun had gone and left my baby blue Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use Slime and snails or puppy dog's tails Thunder or lightning Then baby said....
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Put that magic jump on me Slap that baby, make him free
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Put that baby spell on me (ooh)
You remind me of the babe (What babe?) Babe with the power (What power?) Power of voodoo (Who do?) You do (Do what?) Remind me of the babe
Dance magic, dance, ooh ooh ooh Dance magic, dance magic, ooh ooh ooh Dance magic
What kind of magic spell to use Slime and snails Or puppy dog tails Thunder or lightning Something frightening
Dance magic, dance Dance magic, dance Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump Jump magic, jump Put that magic jump on me Slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Jump magic, jump Put that magic jump on me Slap that baby
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic Slap that baby make him free Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
The audience gave them a standing ovation. Jess even let loose a loud whistle. At that point, the show started coming to a close. “Well, that's the end of this truly special performance at the Muppet Cabaret,” Kermit announced, “but let's have a round of applause to David Bowie, Luna and Dimentio!” More applause came from the audience as Luna, Dimentio and David Bowie came back onstage.
“One more song, David~!” Dimentio exclaimed. He started singing Ziggy Stardust, but Kermit did his best to drown him out. “See you next week on the Muppet Show! Yaaaaaaay~!” The curtains fell as the band in the orchestra pit played the closing theme. Meanwhile, up in the balcony, the geriatric hecklers known as Statler and Waldorf put in their two cents worth.
“So Waldorf, do you believe in magic?”
“Sure! Every day I imagine that this theater disappears!”
“Do ho ho ho!”
At this point, Zoot, the resident saxophone player, would normally play the bum note. This time, however, he didn’t. Something was odd... He turned to the camera, a strange glint on his sunglasses. “Ah ha ha...” he muttered. “Ciao!” He snapped his fingers a la Dimentio and disappeared.
“What the--?! How did--?! Zoot... how did he dooooo thaaaaaat???” Jess exclaimed.
“ZOOT'S GONE MAD WITH POWER! HE'S GONNA EAT THE CHORT!!!!” Maddie shouted. Quickly, they somehow made their way through the fabric of the universe and caught up to where Zoot had gone, which just happened to be Jess’s bedroom. Maddie was still in a state of shock. “What happened to him?” she asked no one in particular. “I thought he was kind! I thought he was funny! I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MADDIE AND ZOOT FOREVER!” Her eyes started to fill with tears.
That’s when Jess noticed it: the way the light was refracting off of Zoot’s sunglasses made his eyes take on a somewhat emerald hue. “Wait a minute...” She slowly moved closer to the estranged musician and pulled his hat off. Planted on the top of his head was a small green stalk with two bright green leaves, which gave Zoot the appearance of a Pianta. It seemed to be radiating some sort of evil energy. “Here’s the problem,” Jess said, yanking the plant off his head. Zoot slowly turned back to his normal self.
“Huh...? What happened?”
”This plant happened.” Jess began spraying Weed-B-Gone on the plant, which is known as a Floro Sprout.
“Yay! Zoot’s back!” Maddie squealed and promptly tackle-hugged Zoot. I think it may have hurt him. “Thanks, Jess!”
“I can’t feel my parts...” Zoot murmured.
“How do you think Dimentio got the Floro Sprout on him in the first place?”
Jess chuckled. “Oh, he’s a sneaky little... whatever he is.” she replied.
Maddie stood up with a determined look on her face. “Okay, Dimmie! That's it!” she exclaimed. “You can beg for Bowie, sing with Bowie, but when you mess with either Jess, or my Muppet man, you have gone way too far! Come out so I can beat you senseless!”
“Yeah!” Jess shouted in agreement while holding up a colorful cereal box. “And these DimentiOs taste terrible, so I want a refund!”
“Yeah!” Zoot chimed in. “And butt’s twelve by pies!”
Maddie stared at him awkwardly. “Um... right. Just come here, jester-boy!”
“I think he’s hiding again...” Jess mused. She proceeded to look in a cardboard box and under the bed, overlooking the glowing lightning-bolt shape in midair.
“I think he's in that dimensional rift right in the middle of the air,” Maddie pointed out.
“Okay,” Jess said. “Lemme just go find Fleep, he may be sitting on that glorious porcelain bowl full of water again... You know what I mean, right?”
“I remember reading something about needing a toilet...” At this point, Jess started singing the song Fleep had been singing while in the outhouse on Planet Blobule in Super Paper Mario, which sent Maddie into another gigglefit. “We still need Fleep, though. I really want to get the whoopin' on Dimmie.”
“Okay.” Jess went down the hall towards the bathroom and knocked on the door. “Fleep, you in there?” she asked.
“Yeah!” Maddie called out. “We could really use some rift-flipping powers!”
“I’m-a busy, amore!” an Italian accent called back. Then it started mumbling to itself. “Darn it-a... Why-a do these eediots keep-a the toilet paper up-a so high where I cannot reach-a?!!”
Maddie was sent into another gigglefit, while Zoot didn’t get it at all. “What's funny about toilets?” he asked. “Why are toilets so funny? Jess, explain to me why toilets are funny.” All Jess did was shrug her shoulders. Apparently she didn’t know, either. Inside the bathroom, there were sounds of wood striking wood repeatedly, probably signifying that Fleep was trying the use-the-plunger-to-knock-a-roll-of-toilet-paper-down trick. “Fleep, you almost done? We really need you!” Maddie called again.
There was the sound of the toilet flushing and the sink running water. After a few seconds, the door opened and some sort of rectangle-shaped creature with wings and a tail fluttered out. “Okay, I'm-a done-a!” it said. Apparently, this was Fleep.
“Great!” Maddie exclaimed. “Now we can beat the ever-loving snot out of jester-boy!”
“And I can learn to tie my shoes,” Zoot said, sending Jess into a gigglefit.
