Page 208: Comedy A-Go-Go
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==Part 2== | ==Part 2== | ||
The screen flickers. First once, than twice. | The screen flickers. First once, than twice. | ||
Revision as of 06:12, 9 March 2012
7UQMRf Awesome post. Great.
Contents |
Part 2
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on an empty room. It is disheveled, messy, and looking as if it’s just been hit by a hurricane. Actually, in reality, it is Timmy Turner’s bedroom, just like it was last week. Timmy, of course, is still trapped in the birdcage of doom. He is banging on the bars rampantly, shouting and swearing and about to blow a fuse. “COSMO! YOU’VE GONE MAD!” Unfortunately, the clueless fairy in question is floating obliviously in the corner, eyes big and bright.
“Welcome back to Craziness with Cosmo!” He exclaims, twirling his wand around like a baton. “For today’s show, we’re going to interview another Nicktoon star, listen to a special musical guest AND continue to hear Timmy flail helplessly inside an oversized birdcage!”
Timmy’s voice shakes the set. “LET ME OUT! NOW!”
Ignoring him, Cosmo continues. “Our excruciatingly small cast… my beloved Wanda, and my godson Timmy, and my… I dunno what she is… Eliza Thornberry… would like this show to be dedicated to en-smartening the younger generation of viewers. Las fresas son agradables, pero yo les muestro no misericordia!”
Wanda translates. “’The strawberries are nice, but I show them no mercy.’ Cosmo, sweetie, are you sure you got your head checked this morning-”
“Ah! The cameralady says nothing!” Cosmo whines.
Wanda growls irritably.
“Anyway…” Cosmo gets back on target. “Today’s special Nicktoon star will be…” He squints at the notecard. “…Dib?”
Dib walks inside, eye constantly twitching as he views his surroundings. The stupid fairy motions for him to take a seat in front of him. Dib does so, but not before stopping to stare at him and Wanda.
“What are you guys?!” He demands.
“Fairies!”
Dib raises an accusing finger, eyes wide. “I KNEW IT! I knew fairy godparents existed! They called me crazy, they did!” He turns to the camera. “Are you watching this, dad, Gaz? Zim!? I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! I-“
Cosmo pushes him into his seat. “We’re gonna start the interview now.”
“What interview?”
COSMO: So, Dib, have you ever been on a TV Show before?
DIB: Yep- Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery. But I got banned from making public appearances after I drove the producer insane.
COSMO: Ah. Do you have any special talents? Quirks?
DIB: Well, I’m currently the only human being smart enough to actually believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and of course, fairies-
Somewhere in Dimmsdale, Mr. Crocker is watching TV. He points, mouth agape, at Cosmo, who is on-screen, crown and all.
“FAIRY GOD-PARENTS!!!”
DIB: …but other than that, I’m pretty average.
COSMO: You forgot to mention your abnormally large head!
DIB: (angrily) My head’s not big!
COSMO: Ah, he’s in denial!
DIB: (pouts) Ask another question. I’m on a tight schedule.
COSMO: Whatever, Big-Head! (receives death glare) Erm… So, what’s your goal in life?
DIB: Well, I have quite a few… but my main objective is to prove Zim as the alien he so is.
Somewhere in who-cares-where, Zim and GIR are watching TV.
“LIES! ALL LIES!!!!” Zim shrieks.
COSMO: Do you think you can accomplish your goal?
DIB: Please. Have you seen his disguise? Sooner or later, someone will believe me. SOMEONE will realize what I’ve known all along, and-
COSMO: (sing-song voice) Someone is crazy!
DIB: (haughtily) What?!
COSMO: (singing, taunting) Crazy, crazy, crazy…
DIB: I’m not crazy! Really! Why won’t anyone believe me?!
Several men in white trench-coats solemnly march in the room, stuff Dib in a straightjacket, and throw him out in the streets, where he is morbidly attacked by rabid fangirls.
“That was fun!” Cosmo exclaims. Wanda clears her throat, kind of disturbed.
“Can we move it along, please, sweetie?’
“Oh, right!”
Cosmo glances at the to-do list.
“That’s right! We have to introduce our sponsor… the Krazy Taco!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.
A spontaneous-looking dude in a taco suit blindly crashes into the screen, eyes bulging.
“Take it from me, the taco man!” He yells, one eye significantly bigger than the other. “You won’t find a crazier taco than the ones you’ll find… at the KRAZY TACO!!! Remember, our drive-thru’s open all night!!!”
He starts to pound his fist on the floor. “SWEET UNCLE JELLYBEAN, I’M CRAZY!!!”
He falls over, a useless lump.
From somewhere in the background, a crude voice-over adds to the advertisement.
“Come to the Krazy Taco today and try our amazingly limited selection! The Krazy Taco: GIR’s favorite!”
Camera zooms out on super-deformedly-cute GIR, waving at the screen, tongue hanging out, beef stains all over his robotic mouth.
“YAAAAAYYY!! TACO!!”
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
“Now the only thing left is our musical guest!”
Cosmo checks the all-knowing notecard. “Hmmm… Rudy and his gang have the flu… the Rugrats have diaper rash… Their older versions are taking a science exam… Ginger mysteriously vanished without a trace…”
Zim bursts through the doors, panting. “I… HAVE ARRIVED!”
He marches to the stage, GIR trailing behind him.
“Eh, puddin’? What are they doing here?” Wanda whispers, worriedly.
Dib, who is still in a straightjacket (but not his trench-coat or his boots, because the rabid fangirls stole them and auctioned them off on the internet), trudges in the doorway, looking triumphant. “Admit it, Zim! You and your stupid robot sidekick don’t even have a band!”
“Yes we do! GIR! Initiate crazy heavy metal sequence number 85!”
“Yes, my master! …YAAAAAAAYYY!! HEAVY METAL SEQUENCE NUMBER 85!”
There is a blinding flash, and Zim and GIR are suddenly dressed in punkish clothing, all black with some spiked bracelets here and there. GIR has a rainbow-colored Mohawk. Zim’s clothes are baggy and he has chains hanging down from everywhere.
Dib’s eye twitches.
GIR strikes a chord on his guitar. “Tacooooooo!” He sings to the tune of the note.
Zim does the same warm-up note on his black keyboard. “Doooooooom…”
They burst into heavy metal, punkish, gothic song.
ZIM: I hate Dib, you hate Dib, he hates Dib, she hates Dib…
GIR: I like tacos!
ZIM: (horribly off-key) Who doesn’t hate Diiiiiiibb??
GIR: His head smells like a puppy!
ZIM: Dib stinks, Dib reeks, Dib’s odor stinks of a thousand stink-pigs!
GIR: Why’s his head so biggggg?
ZIM: His head, it’s enormous! I’ve seen smaller war planets!
DIB: See, he admits it! He IS an alien!
ZIM: He talks too much, he reeks, he stinks, he… he… (stuggles for another word)
GIR: I GOT A LITTLE MOOSEYYYY! (squeezes Minimoose)
While Zim, Dib and GIR fumble around on-stage, Cosmo gets a mysterious phone call….
“Hello?” Pause. “Oh, really?” Pause. “Wow.” Pause. “Well, that’s strange.”
He hangs up.
“Who was that?” Wanda inquiries.
“Jimmy Electron! The Llama Lords of Science were supposed to perform tonight.”
Wanda blinks.
“Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it, because they were too busy having fun on that random, unnamed tropical island.”
Wanda blinks again.
“By the way, sweetie, it’s Jimmy Neutron.”
“I know, lambchop… wait a minute, what?”
We zoom out on GIR, who is waving to an imprisoned Timmy.
“Can’t you get me outta here!?”
GIR stands there in silence.
“Hello!?” Timmy demands again.
This time, the robot responds. “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” It squeals, giddily.
(Somewhere In AC's Deleted Files)
MEGABYTE: Ha! Ha! Ha! PTV Never Fails to Amuse me...
Part 3
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on a tidy room. We see Cosmo, hair shiny, neatly-combed and gelled to perfection, with an actual talk-show-host uniform, is floating unhappily in the corner. He keeps itching at his new brownish-black cotton tie and whining incessantly to Wanda, the genius behind the new get-up.
“WANDAAA!! I can’t work like this!” He whines.
“I have mayonnaise!” Wanda yells, waving a jar of mayonnaise over her head threateningly.
We see Timmy, in the corner, still tied to the perch inside a birdcage. His face is completely red, as he has been calling for help the past seventy or so hours.
“COSMO!!!” He cries, waving his fist in the air. “WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!”
It’s a scene of mass chaos. Eliza Thornberry, member number four of the very small faculty, tries to calm everyone down, but she shortly becomes infatuated with a passing cockroach and stops to watch it. No one is attempting to do anything to help. Suddenly, Wanda pauses, setting down the mayonnaise.
“We’re live, you know.” She says, gazing at the camera.
“YIKES!” Cosmo fumbles with the notecard of all-knowingness, squinting to read the fine print. “Welcome to…” More squinting. “Laziness… With… Cas…mu?’
“Craziness with Cosmo!” Wanda corrects him, annoyed.
“DUH! It’s your show!” Timmy adds, taking a short break from his cries for help.
“Oh… right!”
Cosmo continues to read out loud from the notecard.
“The painfully small cast of Craziness with Cosmo goes out of their way to educate the masses! Ich habe mehrere dumme Antilopen auf meiner Stirn!”
Wanda translates, once again. “’I have several stupid antelopes on my forehead.’ Cosmo, sweetie? Are you feeling alri-“
“I’m FINE!” Cosmo snaps.
Wanda grumbles angrily.
“Anyway…” He continues. “We all know that after the introduction and the random quote in a foreign language, we interview a random nicktoon star, and ask him or her about their life!”
He pauses to hear the audience’s feedback. Since he has no audience, the only noise, of course, is a clichéd frog croaking and several crickets screeching. Cosmo tugs at his collar, nervous.
“Uh-huh… Ermm… So, please welcome today’s special Nickelodeon superstar… Reggie Rocket!”
Reggie Rocket bursts through the doorways. She has wavy purple hair, and skin tanned from hours of outdoor activity. She’s wearing dark sunglasses over her eyes, humming ‘Surf Town’ to herself as she takes a seat in front of Cosmo.
“All right, how you chillin’, Cosmo?” She asks, grinning.
“Woah, there, girl! You lost me with your hip young lingo!”
COSMO: So, Reg… What’s it like living in a seaside city?
REGGIE: It’s totally awesome! I get to hang at the Shore Shack every day, catch some waves with my buds Otto, Twist and Sammy… Shred at Madtown, and-
COSMO: (interrupting) That’s nice. Do you have any special talents?
REGGIE: Well, I’m being modest, but… (takes deep breath) here goes! Surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, roller blading, playing hockey, beach valleyball, rugby, street luge…
COSMO: (yawns) So, basically, you’re a girl of many talents.
REGGIE: (shrugs) You could say that.
COSMO: (suddenly excited) Ever eaten live worms?
REGGIE: Never, and I don’t plan to. Otto, however…
Somewhere in Ocean Shores, Otto and Twister are watching TV.
“THAT IS SUCH A LIE! I DO NOT EAT LIVE WORMS!”
Twister laughs quietly to himself. “Uh, aren’t you forgetting that one time, Otto-man, where…”
“Dude, just… SHUT UP!”
COSMO: So, basically, your brother’s a repulsive moron who never gives you the recognition you deserve?
REGGIE: Basically.
COSMO: (grins) Wow! Mine too!
WANDA: Sweetie, you don’t have a brother.
COSMO: Oh yeah… (laughs) Sorry, forgot. (turns back to Reggie) Are you or have you ever been related to a ham and cheese sandwich?
REGGIE: Uh, is it just me, or are you asking me all the stupid questions? Dib and Eliza got off without even one….
COSMO: HeyheyHEY! Who’s asking the questions here??? So, have you, or have you not?
REGGIE: We don’t even EAT ham and cheese sandwiches where I come from.
Cosmo gasps, as does Wanda and Eliza. Even Timmy stops his incessant whining to stare. Reggie glances around the room, nervously.
“Did… I say something wrong?”
Cosmo nods, angrily. “Where we come from, refusing to serve a ham and cheese sandwich is a criminal offense.”
Reggie looks devastated. “But-“
“SECURITY!” Cosmo shrieks.
The men in white trench-coats march on-stage and grab Reggie.
“Wait! What are you doing!? Oh, this is a joke! You can’t… Hey, you’re serious?! Come on… Nooo!”
Her voice echoes throughout the studio as the security guards/asylum monitors drag her away. Cosmo wipes his hands together, satisfied.
“That takes care of that!”
Wanda looks nervous. “Um… Shouldn’t you be… I don’t know… introducing our sponsors right about now?!’
“Oh, right!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.
Two three-dimensional kids sit in a room, staring at an empty table.
“This table is boring!” The first of them says.
“I know!” His friend agrees. “Almost as boring as that brick wall!”
A mysterious shadow suddenly looms above them. The two kids gaze upwards in sudden fear.
“It can’t be…”
“But it is!”
A man in a poorly-done bat costume is standing before them, waving his crudely-constructed wings in swift yet clumsily awkward up-and-down motions. The kids, however, look horrified.
“Oh no!”
“What shall we do?”
The bat descends upon them, disgustingly fake fangs gleaming in the dim light. The kids scream, covering their heads with their hands. Suddenly, the bat breaks into a happy smile.
“Hey there, kids!”
The two children gaze up at him in question.
“Are you bored?”
They nod.
“Do you want to try something new?”
They nod again, this time more enthusiastically.
“But, most importantly…” He leans in to whisper it to them. “Do you wanna barf your guts out?”
“YEAH!” The kids exclaim, energetically. The bat chuckles, before leading them out of their house and, shortly, to Retroland.
“Where are we?” One of them asks.
“We’re in Retroland!” His friend helpfully supplies. “And look, it’s… THE BAT OUTTA HECK!”
Sure enough, the ride itself stands before them. The man in the crude bat costume points to it, as it seems to glow with a heavenly (or should I say, hellishly) aura. The two kids cheer in victory, and scuttle over to the nonexistent line.
Cut to a scene of them riding the coaster. One of them hurls onto the camera screen.
“So, come ride… THE BAT OUTTA HECK… today! Guaranteed to make you puke, or your money back!”
The two children cheer again. Both are green, and clutching obviously used barf bags.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
Cosmo gazes at his notecard. “We still have time for our musical guest! Who shall it be today? The Llama Lords of Science? Let’s hope so!”
Somewhere on that unnamed tropical island, Jimmy is lazing around, sipping mango juice from a coconut-shaped cup.
“Ahhh… This is the life, eh, Carl?”
“I’ll say! Look! I made a sand angel!” Carl points to what is obviously his work in the sand. It’s really just a big circle.
“Eh… that’s great.”
Sheen runs over, looking triumphant.
“Guess what I did! Guess what I did!” He declares in a sing-song voice.
“What is it?” Jimmy asks, calmly.
Carl, however, erupts. “TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He shrieks towards the end, clutching his head in anguish.
“I…” Sheen points to a pile of sand behind him. “HAVE CREATED A LIFE-LIKE RENDITION OF ULTRALORD OUT OF NOTHING BUT SAND!”
Jimmy blinks. Carl sighs in relief. Sheen strides away, either to improve his creation or hit on Libby… either of the two things that would never work out.
TWITCH.
Jimmy’s eye twitches uncontrollably. It was an involuntary muscle that was driving him crazy. “CARL!” He exclaimed. “My ‘We’re supposed to be on a talk show right now’ senses are tingling!”
“Ah, it’s probably nothing, Jim.” Carl explains calmly, collapsing in the sand. “Can we eat some little weenies now?”
Back at the studio, Cosmo is still oblivious. Eliza, who eventually gave up on the cockroach after it scurried into a small hole in the wall, walks over to Cosmo and whispers something in his ear.
“Huh? …Oh.” He faces the camera. “Well, folks, since once again, the Llama Lords of Science couldn’t make it… We’re going to have to settle for… The choir of Hillwood Elementary’s fourth grade class?”
Arnold, Helga, Phoebe, Gerald, Eugene, Sheena, Sid, Curly, Rhonda, Peapod kid, Park, Nadine, and a few other random kids march on stage, before introducing themselves.
“Hi! I’m Arnold-“
A heavy truck rolls by outside. We cannot hear Arnold’s last name.
“And this is Mr. Simmons’ choir class. For tonight’s show, we made up our own song called… Death by Monkeys.”
He receives some odd looks.
“…Helga came up with that.”
The odd looks stop.
“Now listen up real carefully
It’s all real and good
Walk around, spread some sound
‘bout the crisis ‘round your neighborhood
Don’t disregard me, it’s scarily true
Very few people know what to do
When those terrible, horrible, brown and fuzzily MONKEYS ATTACK!!
They stole the mountain, and the plain!
Soon all the money to your name!
They’re rotten, horrid, drooling beasts
That regularly hold rabid feasts!
The monkeys, we just can’t deny
Don’t bother fighting, don’t even try
The monkeys, they’re unbeatable
They’re eternally undefeatable
WHEN MONKEYS…
MONKEYS…
WHEN MONKEYS ATTACK.
Soon you’ll be facing death by monkeys…”
Camera zooms out on Timmy’s window, where the show is taking place. A humanoid hand is reaching up to open the window… But it’s not that of any kid. Maybe… a primate.
Death by monkeys, death by monkeys…
(Somewhere in AC's Deleted Files)
MEGABYTE: Ha! Ha! Ha! Never in All 222 Points of this Show have I Been Amased
Part 4
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on a very smelly room (although the people watching the show can’t really tell). Since Timmy has been unable to clean it, it has grown to a point of pure putrid gross-ness. Eliza Thornberry, mysteriously, took a strange out-of-country vacation out of the blue, and NEVER CAME BACK. Well, actually, she’s only been gone a week. We think she went to that unnamed tropical island that Jimmy’s probably still “stranded” on. We see Cosmo in the corner, drooling up at the ceiling with a very Patrick-esque expression on his face.
Wanda chucks a small rock at him to get his attention.
“Huh? Oh. Welcome… to Craziness with Cosmo!” He blurbs, tugging at his collar nervously (as Wanda is giving him a ‘GET FOCUSED’ death-glare). “On today’s show, we’re going to interview a nicktoon star who can stand the unnatural, downright filthy state of Timmy’s bedroom… Listen to our special musical guest… AND watch my godson squirm in anguish in the unbreakable steel bars of a very large birdcage!”
We hear Timmy’s voice. He sounds raspy and hoarse, as if he has been deprived of food and oxygen. “Cosmo… PLEASE, LET ME OUT!”
Unfortunately, this reminds Cosmo of a fellow Nicktoon song, and he starts to hum it to himself. “Please let me in! I dropped mah keys in the drain again! Please let me in! Knock-kno- OW!”
This time, Wanda has tossed a rather large boot at Cosmo’s big, squishy head. He recoils in pain.
“AAAH! WHY DOES IT HURT?!!”
Wanda motions for him to move on so he doesn’t accidentally make references to other nicktoons in the form of quotes.
“Anyway... As you already know…” Cosmo takes a moment to rub his sore forehead. “Craziness with Cosmo is dedicated to helping educate the masses. I conigli assisteranno la scuola militare!”
Wanda translates. “That’s Italian for ‘the rabbits will assist the military school.’”
“I thought it meant ‘my wife tossed an old boot at me and it hurts!’” Cosmo moans.
“Well, you’re wrong.” Wanda points to the bruise on her husband’s forehead. “Look what my boot did to you.”
Cosmo casually glances upwards, then feels around the tender area where the shoe hit his head. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” He shrieks, before flying around in little, panicked circles. “THE PAIN! THE PAAAAAAAAINNNNNN!!!”
Wanda clears her throat, leaving the camera to float by itself with the use of magic. She flies over to Cosmo’s little wooden chair and pushes him out of it. He falls to the ground and begins to suck his thumb, squeaking like an infant.
“Anyway…” Wanda knows that every show, no matter how stupid, must go on. “Please welcome our special Nicktoon guest… Put your hands together for…” She squints at the notecard. “Hold on a sec, I can’t read Cosmo’s handwriting… Springboo Squirepin? No… Spongebob Squarepants!”
The doors burst open, and in walks the invertebrate in question, waving to the nonexistent audience before taking a seat opposite Wanda.
“I’M READY!” He calls out, in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.
WANDA: Welcome to Craziness with Cosmo!
SPONGEBOB: Thanks! It’s great to be here, Cosmo!
WANDA: I’m not Cosmo. That would be my husband, who’s on the floor… sucking his thumb…
SPONGEBOB: Why?
WANDA: Cuz he’s such a momma’s boy. (irritably) Can we move on?
SPONGEBOB: Sure.
WANDA: So, uh… Spongebob… What’s your goal in life?
SPONGEBOB: To become an internationally known fry-cook! Everyone should know that.
WANDA: (thinking) Not me, apparently, I just asked the question, kelp-for-brains. (out loud) Of course. Who do you think will best help you achieve your goal?
SPONGEBOB: That’s an easy one! My good friend… Squidward.
Somewhere in Bikini Bottom, Squidward Tentacles is watching TV.
“Whatever.”
SPONGEBOB: He’s always there for me, and whenever I need help, his kind words of wisdom always cheer me up!
WANDA: Well, that’s great, sport. (glances at next question) Is it true that Sandy Cheeks is in fact your girlfriend?
SPONGEBOB: No, but she is my… squirrelfriend!
Drum + Symbols, played by Gary: Ba-dum-CHEE!
WANDA: (faking a laugh) Heh-heh… Yeah.
SPONGEBOB: (taking a bow) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I got a million of ‘em.
WANDA: Uh… sure, ok. So, Spongebob, tell us: What’s it like being 26 and STILL not having your drivers’ license?
SPONGEBOB: Oh, it’s not so bad, really. Even though I’ve taken my driving test 243-
GARY: Meow.
SPONGEBOB: 244 times already, I’m sure one of these days I’ll get it right.
WANDA: I see. One last question: Are you related to Cosmo? (thinking) Cuz that would explain a LOT….
SPONGEBOB: Hmmm… I don’t know. Why do you ask?
WANDA: No reason.
Suddenly, Mama Cosma bursts through the doorway, clutching a giant butterfly net which she is waving around in the air like a baton.
“HOLD EVERYTHING! I have reason to believe this… sponge-like creature is my long-lost son, Bobmo, transformed into a sponge and forced to live in a pineapple for 32 years! He misbehaved at the Fairy Academy.”
Wanda nods. “He’s all yours.”
Mama Cosma swings her net over Spongebob and drags him away. You can hear him begging for mercy.
“PLEASE! NO! I’ve been a sponge all my life! I NEED MY WATER HELMET!!!” His voice gradually gets raspier and raspier. “Need… water…!”
His pleading screams drown away in the bedroom as Mama Cosma POOFs back to Fairyworld with him. Cosmo, still oblivious, has no idea what’s been going on.
“Getting back on focus…” Wanda glances at the notecard. “It’s time to meet our sponsors!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.
We focus in on a random line of scantily-clad women who are dancing around and kicking in the air like morons.
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS, HE’S THE KING! BIG BOB’S BEEPERS, RING RING RING!”
From the darkness behind them, “Big” Bob Pataki suddenly erupts from the curtains, wielding his mighty scepter and wearing his belt with the diamond notches.
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS!” They sing again.
It’s Bob’s turn to speak up. “Hey there. I’m Big Bob Pataki, and this weekend we’re having our monthly beeper sale. You don’t want to miss it! Everything is 30% off, but only for a limited time, so hurry down to-“
“BIG BOB’S BEEPERS!”
“-you won’t regret it.”
The girls re-form their little dancey line, twirling around like wind-up dolls. One of them raises her arms as a little pager noise goes off.
“Whoops! Somebody beeped me!”
“BIG BOB’S BEEEEEPERS!”
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
“Without financial support from our sponsors- and much-needed publicity- Craziness with Cosmo wouldn’t be where it was today, which is practically nowhere.” Wanda’s so pessimistic, ne?
“So, who’s the musical guest gonna be?” Cosmo speaks up for the first time, curiously gazing up at his wife.
“I dunno. I thought you did!”
They sit there in silence, mutual panic. No musical guest?
As if on cue, the doors suddenly burst open- and in walks a dignified Cindy Vortex, clutching a sheet of notebook paper.
“Hello there.” Wanda greets. “Can we help you?”
“Yeah. Jimmy and his dork-friends are still on that island… and so’s your little helper, Eliza What’s-her-face.” Cindy points out. “And so, they’ve asked me to come… and perform my poetry.”
“Well, ok.” Wanda consents. “We needed a pointless diversion from the frequent absence of The Llama Lords of Science.”
Cindy clears her throat and begins to read out loud.
“An Inverse Anthem to Jimmy Neutron.
By Cindy Vortex.
What do we know about someone so slow?
Both on his feet and his show-offy head.
His hair’s big and poofy, his grin is too doofy,
His know-it-all-brain is filled up with lead!
And now we move on, to what really is lame.
His outfit’s chock-full of fashion do-nots,
And that’s the worst kind! He’s probably color-blind,
One look at his clothing and I’m seeing spots!
His dad’s unathletic despite how much he trains,
His mother’s the only one with any real brains,
His dog is made from garbage and tin,
And anything else from that recycling bin!
So somewhere men are laughing,
And somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Retroville…
Because Jimmy is an IDIOT!”
Cindy takes a bow, and without another word, walks out of the room.
Many people blink.
(Somewhere Deep in Cyberspace)
MEGABYTE: Ha! Ha! Ha! Too bad this show gets Cancelled after 5 episodes
Part 5
The screen flickers. First once, than twice.
We’re waiting for this show to air!
A crown, a tie, a dorky grin
His trademark spiky greenish hair!
It’s time for…
CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!!!!
We focus in on a retro-colored room. Light pink peace signs are painted all over the walls. The carpet glows a neon green. We see Cosmo in the corner with a large purple afro, meditating…
You are now very afraid.
“WELCOME TO CRAZINESS WITH COSMO!” He exclaims, before regaining his hippie composure. “I mean, peace, man.”
Wanda rolls her eyes. “Recently, Cosmo’s taken up an eerie obsession with love and peace…”
“Psychedelic!” Cosmo yells, moving his head to both sides almost mechanically.
Wanda ignores him. “I may have to do the show again. You know Cosmo has a very serious case of the Stupid…”
“HERE I COME!!! …Mr. Fairy Universe!”
“And now he just won’t SHUT UP!”
We hear a distressed shriek from the far corner of the room. “WANDAAA! LET ME OUT OF THIS BIRDCAGE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!”
“You love Pete? Oooooooooooh!” Cosmo squeals, giggling like an excited schoolgirl. “I KNEW you had a crush on him! It was like, SO obvious, and… OW!”
Wanda hits Cosmo with a jar of mayonnaise. He falls to the floor, screaming in anguish.
“Sorry you had to hear that.” Wanda sighs in the floating camera’s direction. “On today’s show, we’ll be interviewing a special nicktoon star, listening to our special musical guest and watching Timmy invoke his sleepless fury onto the heavy iron bars of that gargantuan birdcage.”
A loud bang, not unlike what you might hear if an enraged 10-year old boy with fairy godparents flung himself at the walls of a large pet cage.
“The mysteriously small cast of Craziness with Cosmo goes out of their way to educate the masses! Well, sweetie, would you like to do the honors?” Wanda asks her husband.
Cosmo perks up before re-claiming his spot in the wooden chair. “ALL RIGHT! Een boze worm is binnen mijn broek!”
Wanda translates. “Roughly translating, that means, in Dutch: A wicked person worm is within my pants. Oh for the love of Pete! How weird that sounded.”
Cosmo gasps. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, WANDA!!! My one true love… And you’ve been seeing Pete all along! I KNEW IT! How could you steal your love from me?! And worse… How could you steal Pete from Timmy!?!”
“Listen, pudd’n, this conversation needs to END before it ups the age rating of our show.” Wanda coughs. “Erm… It’s just an expression, anyway.”
“An expression of love!” Cosmo pouts. “Anyway, please welcome our special Nicktoon star… Jenny Wakeman!”
A robot girl of 15 or 16 (although, in reality, she’s only 5) walks in the room, making whirr and clang noises as her heavy metal feet hit the ground. She takes a seat opposite Cosmo- and breaks the chair. Luckily, she is able to convert the bottom half of her body into a new one. A cool blue-and-white one.
“It’s great to be here, Cosmo. Can we begin the interview?” She asks sweetly.
COSMO: So, Jenny… I hear you’re the world’s first teenage cabbage.
JENNY: Robot, actually. Close enough.
COSMO: (nods) Fascinating. So, if you’re a teenager, you must have a whole truckload of crushes, and I wanna know them all!
JENNY: This may take a while. Lesse… The Silver Shell, Don Prima, Kirk Chrispatrick, Prad Bitt…
NARRATOR FROM SPONGEBOB: SEVERAL HOURS LATER… JENNY: …That’s all of them.
COSMO: You forgot Pete! But you can’t have him, because he belongs to Timmy.
JENNY: (blinks) Okaaayyy… (glances over at Timmy) Oh, he’s wearing pink. That explains a lot.
TIMMY: YOU SICK-MINDED FREAKOS!!! Let me outta here!!!
JENNY: He sounds distressed.
TIMMY: NO DUH! I’ve been locked in a birdcage for over three weeks! I haven’t eaten or slept!
COSMO: Or gone to the bathroom!
TIMMY: (starts to blush) Actually, uhhh…
JENNY: (giggles nervously) Let’s move on…
COSMO: Okie-dokie! So, Jen… How were you created?
JENNY: My mom created me. Not like yours did, of course.
COSMO: My mom didn’t create me, you silly! I’m from the stork. (nods intelligently)
JENNY: (thinking) He’s 40,000 years older and yet more naïve. (out loud) Well, my mom put me together with her own bare hands! I’m a robot, you know.
COSMO: Well, that’s what I thought initially. But when you came in here, you told me you were a cabbage.
JENNY: What? That was you. I’m a robot. NOT a cabbage.
COSMO: (singing) Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage…
JENNY: (annoyed) Hey, you… LISTEN TO ME! Repeat after me: Jenny = Robot.
COSMO: Jenny = Cabbage!
JENNY: (becoming more irritated) ROBOT.
COSMO: CABBAGE.
JENNY: (seething with fury) ROBOT.
COSMO: (stubbornly) CABBAGE!
Long, stand-offy silence.
JENNY: RAARRRRGGGGGG!!!
Jenny starts to go insane, ripping apart the set with unfocused contempt. “You… IDIOT!”
“Wow… what a mood swing.” Cosmo observes. “RESTRAIN HER!”
Wanda obeys. She calls in the security guards/asylum monitors, who march in, grab Jenny roughly by the shoulders, and begin to drag her away (despite it being an impossibility, since Jenny has ‘the strength of a million and seventy men’.)
“LET ME GO!”
The security guards drag her through the doorway, which promptly shuts afterward. There is silence on what little remains of the set.
“Anyway…” Cosmo tugs at his collar. “And now, a word from our sponsors!”
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS. YES, WE ARE VERY REPETITIVE.
Four kids, Jack, Jill, Janice and Poindexter, to be precise… Are sitting in a room, boredly staring up at the ceiling.
“I’m bored!” Jack complains.
‘I’m bored too!” Jill agrees.
“I’m so bored, my liver is starting to play checkers with my small intestine!” Janice says.
Jill and Jack stare at her.
Poindexter interrupts. “What we need is… FLIPPING TECHNOLOGY!”
“Huh?” Jill, Jack, and Janice ask simultaneously.
The narrator butts in. “Introducing… FLIPSIE, THE FLIPPING DOG!”
We see a small toy puppy on-screen, doing little flippy tricks. Jack, Jill, and Janice watch, utterly fascinated.
“It’s flipping AND it’s cute!” Poindexter exclaims.
“What more could you ask for?” Jill giggles.
They sit there and watch Flipsie for hours… and hours… and hours… and hours. But you can’t really tell, because they speed up time in the commercial to cut down the cost.
“FLIPSIE THE FLIPPING DOG! Makes barking sounds! Just flick on the switch and watch him go! You’ll be amused for hours!”
Jack, Jill, Janice, and Poindexter all gather around Flipsie, trying to hug him.
“WE LOVE YOU, FLIPSIE!”
Flipsie, Oh Flipsie, the flipping dog!
You’ll have fun with him all day long!
That didn’t rhyme, but we don’t care!
Available in stores everywhere!
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW.
Cosmo takes a moment to fluff up his funky purple afro. “And now, our special musical guest… THE LLAMA LORDS OF SCIENCE!”
A stage appears out of nowhere with a POOF! The velvety red curtains are slowly drawn backwards…
And we see what looks suspiciously like Ginger, Dodie and Macie with Jimmy, Sheen and Carl masks on.
“Thank-you, thank-you!” Ginger/Jimmy calls out, in her best boy voice. “It’s great to be here tonight! I’m Jimmy Neutron! Yep! Jimmy Neutron, your average boy genius with an excruciatingly large head!”
“And I’m Sheen… Uh… I forgot my last name…” Dodie/Sheen blabs. “Um… I’m… wearing a green shirt with an ugly purple guy on it?”
Somewhere on that unnamed tropical island (presumably in his hotel room), Sheen is watching TV.
“That’s ESTEVEZ! SHEEN ESTEVEZ! And how dare she insult Ultralord!”
“And I’m Mac- I mean, Carl Wheezer.” Macie/Carl wheezes. “I’m allergic to just about everything.”
Cosmo looks oblivious, but Wanda knows something’s up.
“You’re not the Llama Lords of Science.” She snaps.
“Yes we are!” Ginger/Jimmy responds. “Look at our amazingly real 3-D heads!”
Wanda takes a minute to observe them.
“Looks like pictures of their 3-D heads printed onto 2-D pieces of cardboard, which you girls have taped to your faces.” Wanda points out. “Although, Macie, you’d make an excellent Carl. Have you two met?”
Macie nods. “Summer Allergies Affiliates Society. Three-year membership. So, yes, we are associated.”
“Ah. Well, regardless, for impersonating Jimmy Neutron and his crew, you will be now be kicked out of the studio. GUARDS!”
The security guards/asylum monitors march on-set. Ginger/Jimmy gasps.
“YOU CAN’T KICK US OUT!”
“Yes we can.” Wanda corrects her.
“Hey… We could sing a song about that!” Ginger/Jimmy exclaims. “A-HEM!”
Please Don’t Kick Us Out (to the tune of ChalkZone’s Please Let Me In, which the author is currently obsessed with)
By Ginger, Dodie, and Macie
“Please don’t kick us out!
Otherwise we’ll just cry and pout!
Please don’t kick us out!
Big jerks, mean-heads, you don’t even give a care!
Please don’t kick us out!
We’re sorry and we promise not to scream or shout!
Just as long as you will hear us through and promise not to KICK US OUT!
We came barging through your front door!
Is… that… so… wrong?!
We wouldn’t make our viewers snore!
Cuz they can’t cheer while they’re sleepin’!
We were hopin’ for a big encore!
There’s nothing wrong!
We shouldn’t have been starry even said that we were sorry and I guess we just don’t want to be kicked out!
OH-
Please don’t kick us out!
Otherwise we’ll just cry and pout!
Please don’t kick us out!
Big jerks, mean-heads, you don’t even give a care!
Please don’t kick us out!
We’re sorry and we promise not to scream or shout!
Just as long as you will hear us through and promise not to KICK US OUT!”
Ginger/Jimmy, Dodie/Sheen, and Macie/Carl bow. The security guards/asylum monitors look at each other, shrug, and kick them out.
(AC's Home)
AC: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I got my Spice Back!!! MEGABYTE, WATCH OUT! AC IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!
