Richard Gere

From Speakeasy

A man who uses his acting career and political activism as a front for his top secret Buddhist ninja team comprised of himself and 4 mutated, anthropomorphized teenage gerbils. While dating Cindy Crawford, one night Richard Gere decided to stuff some gerbils in his anus for fun. When they were extracted a few hours later (after he had played tennis, went swimming and went to the Oscars), he found the gerbils had mutated into strange, slime covered things. They quickly grew to be 6 feet tall. He taught them to read, speak, and to understand both Buddhism and ninjitsu. From that day on, he decided to use his ninja gerbils as elite warriors to free Tibet. But he realized that 4 ninja gerbils were not enough to defeat the evil robotic forces of Hu Jintao, so he went about kidnapping the toughest men in the world (Croats and Serbs) and implanted gerbils in their anuses to create more teenage mutant ninja gerbils.