Crispin Glover

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	[[Image:Crispinglover.jpg|thumb|right|Crispin Hellion Glover]]		[[Image:Crispinglover.jpg|thumb|right|Crispin Hellion Glover]]
-	==Origins==	+	Crispin Glover was born on [[Christmas|December 25]], 0000 in Bethlehem, [[Israel]]. He later moved to Mongolia, which he conquered single-handedly, overthrowing the brutal dictatorship of Chaka Khan, daughter of [[Kublai Khan]]. He settled into a small village outside of Ulaan Bataar where he invented oatmeal, [[the Internet]], [[furries]], [[God]], maxipads and the skateboard, but then decided to become an actor. To do this, he travelled through time to the 1980's using a Mongolian [[donkey]] caravan fitted with a [[flux capacitor]].
		+	[[Image:Man-riding-donkey.jpg|thumb|135px|left|Donkeymachine]]
		+	This idea was subsequently stolen by Steven Spielberg and made into a movie called ''Back to the Future'', in which Crispin Glover's evil twin Rubin portrayed him. Glover sued Spielberg for stealing his idea, and won $721 trillion dollars and the title ''Pharoah of Egypt'', which includes legal rights to call Spielberg & friends for pyramid-building duties.
-	Nobody exactly knows which planet or plane of existence Crispin Glover hails from, various conspiracy theories point to Neptune or the 8th Dimension. He entered his current incarnation in either 1964 or 1814, depending on whom you ask.	+	Despite this small setback, Crispin Glover went on to act in dozens of films, most of which are about fucking weirdos doing weird fucking things. After winning 644 Oscar awards in one night, Crispin Glover decided to stop acting for a while and start making his own films, most of which are achingly beautiful, silent portrayals the wretched lives of gay anteaters abused by porn actresses while trapped in [[Rosanne Barr]]'s backyard as a poignant allegory of mankind's cruelty to one another. He won a special award for bringing sexy back in 2007.
-	==Lifestyle==	+	==Current whereabouts==
-	Crispin Glover lives in a huge medieval castle atop an active volcano which is surrounded by a moat of molten lava and guarded by vicious [[oompa loompas]] who have rabies. When he ventures outside his abode he is protected by an elite security team comprised of people with Down Syndrome and 3 million rats who will do anything he tells them to. He shares his home with a harem of 582 concubines, mostly 18 to 25-year-old fetish lingerie models who will also do anything he tells them to. He mostly just asks them to dress up in baboon masks and jello wrestle in his livingroom. Crispin Glover has an IQ of 364 and is able to communicate with all species via telepathy. He is said to engage in strange hobbies, such as collecting eyeballs, wiping his ass with VHS copies of E.T. and forcing amputee midgets to color his nipples green with Crayola markers using only their feet. The validity of these claims is disputed.	+	It is thought Crispin Glover now lives in Northern Antarctica with a group of penguins who have accepted him as one of them and elected him their [[God]]. Some theorize he lives in [[Compton]] where he manages a liquor & bail bonds shop with his ho Shaniqua Laquifa Jackson. Still others postulate he lives on a pirate ship surrounded by hot, skanky broads. No one knows for sure.
-	==Film and Art Career==	+	==Titles==
-	He has acted in a wide variety of different movies, from 'Crime and Punishment' to the Lil Bow Wow vehicle 'Like Mike.' He does not discriminate against bad movies. He has written several books and recorded an album of musical and spoken word performances.	+	* The Lizard King (stolen from the ghost of Jim Morrison in 1978 after a brutal game of strip Monopoly)
		+	* King of the Echo People (as of 1991)
		+	* Maharajah of Bong Hits and Trippin Balls on LSD (1987-1993)
-	===Crispin Glover's Best Film Performances===	+	==Crispin Glover Facts==
-	[[Image:Layne.jpg|thumb|left|[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF9NQ-VlS9c scene from River's Edge]]]	+	When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Crispin Glover.
-	* [http://www.amazon.com/Rivers-Edge-Crispin-Glover/dp/B000053VAX River's Edge] - as Layne, a teen pothead who cares more about his murderous so-called friend than anything.	+	Crispin Glover doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-	* [http://www.amazon.com/Rubin-Ed-Crispin-Glover/dp/6302483425 Rubin and Ed] - as Rubin Farr, a friendless recluse who keeps his dead cat in his freezer.	+
-	* [http://www.amazon.com/Willard-Crispin-Glover/dp/B0000AZT78 Willard] - as Willard Stiles, a lonely, timid, sweet but slightly unhinged man whose only friends are the rats in his mom's basement.	+
-	[[Image:5925658.gif|thumb|right|Rubin Farr]]	+
-	==Crispin Glover on Youtube==	+	Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Crispin Glover.
-	Do a search for "Crispin Glover" on Youtube and you'll find all kinds of stuff, including the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMpm_1Sc6Bw trailer] to "Simon Says," in which he plays a murderous Forrest Gump-like character with an insanely overdone swamp hillbilly accent. Instant classic.	+	Crispin Glover can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
		+
		+	Crispin Glover gave Mona Lisa that smile.
		+
		+	Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Crispintatorship.

---

Current revision as of 08:39, 3 August 2007

Crispin Glover was born on December 25, 0000 in Bethlehem, Israel. He later moved to Mongolia, which he conquered single-handedly, overthrowing the brutal dictatorship of Chaka Khan, daughter of Kublai Khan. He settled into a small village outside of Ulaan Bataar where he invented oatmeal, the Internet, furries, God, maxipads and the skateboard, but then decided to become an actor. To do this, he travelled through time to the 1980's using a Mongolian donkey caravan fitted with a flux capacitor.

This idea was subsequently stolen by Steven Spielberg and made into a movie called Back to the Future, in which Crispin Glover's evil twin Rubin portrayed him. Glover sued Spielberg for stealing his idea, and won $721 trillion dollars and the title Pharoah of Egypt, which includes legal rights to call Spielberg & friends for pyramid-building duties.

Despite this small setback, Crispin Glover went on to act in dozens of films, most of which are about fucking weirdos doing weird fucking things. After winning 644 Oscar awards in one night, Crispin Glover decided to stop acting for a while and start making his own films, most of which are achingly beautiful, silent portrayals the wretched lives of gay anteaters abused by porn actresses while trapped in Rosanne Barr's backyard as a poignant allegory of mankind's cruelty to one another. He won a special award for bringing sexy back in 2007.

Current whereabouts

It is thought Crispin Glover now lives in Northern Antarctica with a group of penguins who have accepted him as one of them and elected him their God. Some theorize he lives in Compton where he manages a liquor & bail bonds shop with his ho Shaniqua Laquifa Jackson. Still others postulate he lives on a pirate ship surrounded by hot, skanky broads. No one knows for sure.

Titles

• The Lizard King (stolen from the ghost of Jim Morrison in 1978 after a brutal game of strip Monopoly)
• King of the Echo People (as of 1991)
• Maharajah of Bong Hits and Trippin Balls on LSD (1987-1993)

Crispin Glover Facts

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Crispin Glover gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Crispintatorship.