Just Us Poops

From Poopgang

Just Us Poops is a episodical sitcom based on the users of PoopGang. It is written by jigglywiggly and features a storyline of betrayal, heavy drinking and Fes.

[edit] Episode one

SCENE ONE

(int BAR) ANEURIN and DUNK NUT are stood at the bar, ELBO approaches

Elbo: What can I get you fellas?
Aneurin: Pint of bitter, please, Alice.
Elbo: Elbo.
Aneurin: Jenny.
Elbo: *sigh* ...and you, Dunk?
Dunk: Oh, no alcohol for me, I'm too young.
Elbo: Oh, come off it, you're a 40 year old paedophile pretending to be a kid. We all know.

DUNK NUT looks at ELBO, then at ANEURIN, who nods.

Dunk: Scotch on the rocks, thanks.

ELBO walks off.

Enter SCOTTICUS

Dunk: Hello, Scotty! How has your day been?
Aneurin: You're fucking sickening, Dunk.
Scotticus: (ignores) My day's been fine, and you?
Dunk: Can't really complain.
Scotticus: How busine- Oh God, what is it you do again?
Dunk: Tailor.
Scotticus: Yeah, how's that going?
Dunk: Well, uh...
Aneurin: Go on, tell him!
Dunk: Um...
Aneurin: The stupid bastard only went and felt up his boss's son. Idiot...
Scotticus: You WHAT??!
Dunk: (flustered) Well, he came in for a fitting... his legs were so muscly... everything went blurry... I can't help it! I have roaming hands!

DUNK has gone pale now and is breathing heavily.

Scotticus: Take it easy.
Aneurin: Ha! Pussy...

DUNK bursts out of the bar. SCOTTICUS follows, as ELBO returns.

Elbo: Here you g- What happened to Dunk?
Aneurin: Uh, he had to... Ne'ermind, give us the drinks.
Elbo: £7.50.
Aneurin: SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH DUNK!

Exit ANEURIN, clutching both drinks.

Elbo: OMGFFS.
END SCENE

SCENE TWO

(int CAFE) FES and BABY are sat at a table, both looking distraught. They are holding hands in the centre of the table, but from the looks of things, all is not well.

Baby: I'm really sorry, Fes...
Fes: Sorry? SORRY??! You've never been sorry in your life!
Baby: (whispering) Please, Fes, let's not make a scene.
Fes: I think I have a right to, to be honest!
Baby: I said I'm sorry, It just kind of happened. We were both drunk. Please lets not let this ruin our relationship.
Fes: I think the only person here who's let our relationship be ruined is YOU, Baby.

MYSTIC brings down two plates

Mystic: Ok, who's for the Burger and Chips?
Fes: Here.
Mystic: And the Cheese Toasties?
Fes: Me again.

MYSTIC stares in disbelief

Mystic: Enjoy your... meals...

Exit MYSTIC to kitchen

Fes: Well?
Baby: Well, what?
Fes: Was he good?
Baby: Let's not do this. Not here.
Fes: Was. Craig. Good. Or. Not?
Baby: He wasn't like you.
Fes: Oh c*nt off and stop avoiding the question.

The bell at the door rings. LORDIETH enters in a fluster and asks MYSTIC to call for an ambulance.

FES and BABY look out to see the scene that has developed outside.

Baby: Wonder what that's...
Fes: Don't change the subject.

BABY glances out the window and the look on her face turns to one of horror. FES looks around to see what has caught her eye. CRAIG stares back.

Fes: YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'LL KILL YOU!

FES jumps to his feet, sending both the table and BABY flying. Plates and teacups smash all over the floor.
CRAIG takes off down the street, with FES in hot pursuit. MYSTIC re-enters.

Lordieth: How long did they say?
Mystic: A couple of minutes.

LORDIETH runs off outside, as MYSTIC realises the mess.

Mystic: OMGFFS.

END SCENE

SCENE THREE (ext CAFE)

People are crowded around the scene of an accident. CRAIG runs by, and off down the street, with FES giving chase. LORDIETH is pushing to the front of the crowd and stops beside PIIIIIIIIII and PARKREINER.

Parkreiner: Pssh! How atypical a situation is this?
Piiiiiiiiii: Yes. Fate's a fickle mistress. Fickle and sexy. But mostly fickle.
Lordieth: Hey, now, that ain't cool. He's in a bad way.

DUNK lies on the floor, with SCOTTICUS standing over him. A car (that has clearly hit him) is stopped in the road. SILLYSPROUT is sat in the driver's seat, legs outside the car, holding his head in his hand. DRUMSTICK is trying to comfort him.

Parkreiner: I bet he's just faking it. The big rubbish-face.
Lordieth: Anyone found out what happened yet?
Piiiiiiiiii: It's really simple, if you're not slow. Dunk was running away from Scotticus for some reason (we think Scotticus was trying to kill him). Only problem for Scotty, though, is that Dunk's little chubby legs were giving him a lead. He rounds the corner and.. BAM! Destination: Tarmac.
Scotticus: (shouting) I wasn't chasing him! I-
Piiiiiiiiii: I think we'll let the relevant local law enforcement deduce that, shall we?

An Ambulance Screeches to a halt nearby, and Dunk is loaded into the back. A police car also pulls up, P.C. SEVEN exits.

Seven: Well, well, well, what have we here? Are there any eyewitnesses?

SILLYSPROUT gets to his feet and walks slowly towards SEVEN, as does SCOTTICUS.

Seven: OK, I know you're both probably in shock from today, but I want you two to relax. Go home and get some rest, and come down to the station tomorrow, OK?
Scotticus: Yes
Seven: What??
Scotticus: YES
Seven: What??
Scotticus: I SAID YES
Seven: What??

SCOTTICUS nods.

Seven: Ok, then. I'll see you both tomorrow at 11am. Oh! And bring a pen.

Exit SEVEN. The crowd is beginning to disperse. PARKREINER, LORDIETH and PIIIIIIIIII are still talking about the incident. JIGGLY runs over to hear the news.

Parkreiner: OMGFFS.

END SCENE

SCENE FOUR (Alleyway)

A silent alleyway beside the Poop Arms. Suddenly, CRAIG runs into it, breathless. FES can be heard, running closer. It is a dead end. FES rounds the corner and advances on CRAIG.

Craig: (nervously) Fes, come on now, see sense. Don't do anything you'll regret later.
Fes: (laughs) Are you THREATENING me?
Craig: Uh, maybe... Is it working?
Fes: You little fucker, I'll teach you to mess around with another guy's woman.
Craig: Ok, I'm sorry I slept with Baby. I didn't mean to!
Fes: You didn't mean to! That's rich! So what, then? You kinda stumbled into her and your clothes just FELL off...
Craig: Is there anything I can say that ends with me NOT getting a kicking?
Fes: Let's find out...

FES advances further towards CRAIG, who is now backed up against the wall. ELBO enters the scene from the pub's back door.

Elbo: Hey now, what's all this?

FES lunges at CRAIG, but ELBO stops him just in time. ELBO restrains FES.

Elbo: Leave it out, Fes!

FES laughs and throws ELBO away. He looks around to see that CRAIG has escaped in the confusion.

Fes: (shouting) I'll get you, Craig. You hear me? You're a dead man!!

In the distance, CRAIG can faintly be heard yelling "OMGFFS".

END SCENE