Y4H: Ask how you get to be on the Special Theft Division

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Revision as of 10:20, 11 June 2011 (view source) Alberich (Talk | contribs) (Created page with ''''DA:''' Call Agent Joe-Jacques Fozdyke. A young FBI agent swaggers into the room. In the first few questions, he explains that he's on the Special Theft (Porn) Undercover In…') ← Previous diff		Current revision as of 10:23, 11 June 2011 (view source) Alberich (Talk | contribs)
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-	'''DA:''' Call Agent Joe-Jacques Fozdyke.	+	'''Doc:''' Okay, Joe, tell us more about the Special Theft Divisions.
-	A young FBI agent swaggers into the room.  In the first few questions, he explains that he's on the Special Theft (Porn) Undercover Investigative Division.  She goes into the details of the investigation, and finally gets to the search.	+	'''Joe:''' Well, we're a special kind of unit.  International antiques, art treasures, or porn like in my case...
-	'''DA:''' Was there a search of the defendant's apartment?	+	'''Doc:''' And these are where the good agents get sent?
-	'''Joe:''' A search warrant was obtained on probable cause based on the affidavits of Mr. and Mrs. Scractcher, and evidence also of a well-known international dealer in stolen pornography artifacts, suggesting the strong possibility of a scheme to remove a rare item, and involvement of the suspect in said scheme.  A search was conducted based on this warrant.	+	'''Joe:''' Yes, sir!  The FBI is very proud of its STD's.
-	'''DA:''' And what was in his apartment?	+	'''Doc:''' And it's your first real assignment in the FBI?
-	'''Joe:''' A number of ordinary items for daily living, such as silverware, groceries, dishwashing powder, scouring pads, facial soap, and other items of that nature.  Several items of female attire in the bedroom suggested the presence of a girlfriend or a transvestite fetish.  In searching a drawer of female underwear, we did locate several recreational items, including a pair of golden ben-wa balls.	+	'''Joe:''' Yes, sir.
-	Well, you knew that was coming.  The jury's looking at you suspiciously, for at least a couple of reasons, but Whitley will be able to clear it up.  The DA moves to Joe's area of expertise.	+	'''Doc:''' Now, Joe, I need you to be honest with me.  Was there anything happened in your career right before you got moved to this Special Theft (Porn) Undercover Investigation Divison thing you're telling us about?
-	'''DA:''' I think you said an infamous porn fence has been seen in the area recently?	+	'''Joe:''' I don't know what you mean.
-	'''Joe:''' Yes, one of the most notorious, Hayden Dickman.	+	Doc snatches up a blank sheet of paper, crinkles his brow as if studying it, glares daggers at Agent Fozdyke and asks it again.
-	'''DA:''' What sort of items has he dealt in?	+	'''Doc:''' Was there ''anything'' that ''happened'' in your ''career'' right ''before'' you got ''moved'' to the S! T! D!?
-	'''Joe:''' According to agency files, Dickman shows a marked preference for artifacts from porn classics. We believe he successufully unloaded the sugar-cane dildo from ''No Go Po No'', the cue stick from ''Bouncing Balls in Pool Halls'', the Kama Sutra cards from ''The Gambler's Phallusy''...	+	'''Joe:''' All right! All right!  Maybe there was a tiny little disciplinary hearing, really funny stuff, out of proportion...
-	'''DA:''' What's the strangest item he's ever dealt in?	+	'''Doc:''' And what was that for?
-	'''Joe:''' We're not sure, but it might be the detonator from ''Bouncing Betty Goes Boom.''	+	'''Joe:''' Well it's been a while since it happened, lots of other work since then, but I think, if I remember, it was something like, ''maybe'' something like (mumble mumble mumble).
-	'''DA:''' What about betamax tapes from the 70's?	+	'''Doc:''' Could you speak up a little bit?
-	'''Joe:''' There's no doubt that would be right up his street.  We have evidence he successfully sold a reel tape version of a porn-protest classic - ''Think of Me as the War. Fuck the War!'' We believe that particular transaction netted him six figures.	+	'''Joe:''' Okay, making porn on a government computer! But it was just cartoon porn!
-	'''DA:''' Now does Dickman work with software?	+	'''Doc:''' What kinda cartoon porn?
-	'''Joe:''' He does indeed, including custom jobs for passing along stolen data files, and encrypted pictures of his loot.	+	'''Joe:''' Just funny martial arts cartoon porn!
-	'''DA:''' And what company does he use for debugging and customizing his software?	+	'''Doc:''' And what was the name of this masterpiece you were making?
-	'''Joe:''' Our investigation's quite clear on that point.  He goes exclusively to Telethrust.	+	'''Joe:''' I think it was called "Long Dong Phooey."
-	Holy crap!  That's ''your'' company!  Do they know?	+	The taxpayers would be proud.
-	'''DA:''' And are there any Telethrust employees here in town?	+	'''Doc:''' And so how did you get from that to your current ''exalted'' position?
-	'''Joe:''' [points to you] Just that guy.	+	'''Joe:''' Okay, fine, '''fine!!!''' The boss took a look at that, and said, "I think we've got the ''perfect'' job for a man of your talents. You're gonna chase porn fences 'til your balls turn blue." And I said, fine, fine! The economy's bad! So sue me! I haven't been in trouble since then!  And I've got real close to cracking this case!
-	You guess they do.  You whisper to Doc, "Shouldn't you be objecting?"  He whispers back, "Too late."	+	'''Doc:''' So you're a crack agent?
-	'''DA:''' No further questions.	+	'''Joe:''' Yes! Or I will be when I get off probation!
-	Doc wasn't expecting this. (Thank heavens for Whitley!) He looks to you for his inspiration.	+	'''Doc:''' Have you ever actually cracked a case?
-	*[[Y4H: Ask how you get to be on the Special Theft Division | Ask how you get to be on the Special Theft Division]].	+	'''Joe:''' Almost!
-	*[[Y4H: Ask about Dickman's relations | Ask about Dickman's relations]]	+
		+	'''Doc:''' And when you reach your conclusions, are you ''smoking'' crack?
		+
		+	'''Joe:''' No!
		+
		+	'''Doc:''' I think your crack is showing.  No further questions. [He sits down, looking triumphant]
		+
		+	Agent Fozdyke blushes bright red as he leaves the room. Well, if he's fired, he can always work on ''Smutty Sex Romp: The Animated Series.'' The jury members titter.  You hope that helps.
		+
		+	The DA calls [[The final state's witness | the final state's witness]].
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Current revision as of 10:23, 11 June 2011

Doc: Okay, Joe, tell us more about the Special Theft Divisions.

Joe: Well, we're a special kind of unit. International antiques, art treasures, or porn like in my case...

Doc: And these are where the good agents get sent?

Joe: Yes, sir! The FBI is very proud of its STD's.

Doc: And it's your first real assignment in the FBI?

Joe: Yes, sir.

Doc: Now, Joe, I need you to be honest with me. Was there anything happened in your career right before you got moved to this Special Theft (Porn) Undercover Investigation Divison thing you're telling us about?

Joe: I don't know what you mean.

Doc snatches up a blank sheet of paper, crinkles his brow as if studying it, glares daggers at Agent Fozdyke and asks it again.

Doc: Was there anything that happened in your career right before you got moved to the S! T! D!?

Joe: All right! All right! Maybe there was a tiny little disciplinary hearing, really funny stuff, out of proportion...

Doc: And what was that for?

Joe: Well it's been a while since it happened, lots of other work since then, but I think, if I remember, it was something like, maybe something like (mumble mumble mumble).

Doc: Could you speak up a little bit?

Joe: Okay, making porn on a government computer! But it was just cartoon porn!

Doc: What kinda cartoon porn?

Joe: Just funny martial arts cartoon porn!

Doc: And what was the name of this masterpiece you were making?

Joe: I think it was called "Long Dong Phooey."

The taxpayers would be proud.

Doc: And so how did you get from that to your current exalted position?

Joe: Okay, fine, fine!!! The boss took a look at that, and said, "I think we've got the perfect job for a man of your talents. You're gonna chase porn fences 'til your balls turn blue." And I said, fine, fine! The economy's bad! So sue me! I haven't been in trouble since then! And I've got real close to cracking this case!

Doc: So you're a crack agent?

Joe: Yes! Or I will be when I get off probation!

Doc: Have you ever actually cracked a case?

Joe: Almost!

Doc: And when you reach your conclusions, are you smoking crack?

Joe: No!

Doc: I think your crack is showing. No further questions. [He sits down, looking triumphant]

Agent Fozdyke blushes bright red as he leaves the room. Well, if he's fired, he can always work on Smutty Sex Romp: The Animated Series. The jury members titter. You hope that helps.

The DA calls the final state's witness.

Status
Advocacy Points	0