Review: Freedom
From Create Your Own Story
Title: Freedom
Author: Wizardbaker
Pages: 41 As of Review
Preview: No
NO
NO
You can't do this
NOT NOW
You were so close! We were so close! The story was almost perfect! You were almost the perfect Joey! Do you get your kicks out of this? You are leaving these people to rot, just to prove your own free will! People are going to suffer now, and it is all your fault!
Review:
I was very intrigued by the name of this story. Not about the topic of freedom, but the fact that it hasn't been taken up by some other user up until now!
Anyway, Freedom centre's around you waking up in the morning, deciding what you would like for breakfast, then leaving for work. That's the story before it gets a bit more 'interesting'. The story branches off into quite a few different areas and I was contently surprised over this, hence the site being called 'Choose Your Own Adventure'. Problem is that they have contradictory storylines.
In one example, everyone is (presumed) dead , while in another you're an average Joe seeking apprenticeship by from different kinds of 'Smiths' around the area. The story also suffers from plot holes in which you would have to fill in the blanks yourself. A very big taboo in the writing world. The story also suffer from 'One-Sided-ness'. This is when you have two choices, one choice lets you continue, while the other automatically fails you. This is okay when it's near the end, perhaps being a life or death decision, but these choices happened in the middle of the story. Frequently as well.
Furthermore, the ending felt a bit rushed, as is most of the ending on this site. Sometimes there are bland one liners for endings or they could be just one big clump of text which should be explained much more thoroughly. I would have much have had to meet the infamous redlinks than to have read these kinds of endings.
Example of a one line ending:
"What? you got it there? SHAME TO YOU!!!" He then beats you mercilessly and you go crying to bed. You commit suicide later on a knife-blade to your abdomen The End
Example of a rushed ending:
You help him make the engraving and together you hand them around. You learned that the boston massacre happened because some people were protesting non-importation and they got shot by the soldiers. From that point on Paul Revere teaches you everything about being a patriot, and eventually you enlist in the colonial malitia.The first battle you fight in is the battle of bunker hill. You are under the command of Col. John Stark. He calls you to reinforce the colonial left flank, on one of the beaches of Charlestown. You get there just in time to setup your weapon and mount it at the gate with all the other colonial soldiers before the first attack British comes. The British far our number you but since you have the high ground and the ability to steady your guns on the gate, as well as the limited protection that the gate provides, the British sustain heavy casualties. You eventually hold off the initial British attack. Later on that day you are pushed back into Boston, but the British payed such a high price that the battle felt like it was won. From that day on you see a bright future ahed for both the colonies, and yourself. Both you and Richardson have survived that battle, and you become lifelong friends and fight in many future battles together. You survive the war and live a long and satisfying life. The End
If you also haven't noticed, the story has many grammatical errors dotted throughout the course of the adventure, leaving behind a less than tasteful experience. A problem that could have been fixed just from a simple proof-read.
Once all is said and done, Freedom comes up as an 'interesting' story suffering from plot holes and One-Sided-ness, with mediocre grammar to boot.
