User talk:HomestarRunnerTron
From Bloo Toons
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| - | + | Okay well, honestly, I didn't read all of it, but I read some of it, when I noiectd these problems.1.) You have a verb tense problem. You switch from present to past, to present again.This is what you wrote: I awoke to a scream. My vision adjusted to the blinding morning light, streaming in through my window. I gather bed sheets and push them aside, my feet slipped into my slippers, I grab my robe draping it over my nighty.Note what you did here: I awoke (past tense) to a scream. My vision adjusted (past tense) to the blinding morning light, streaming through my window. I gather (present tense!) and push (present tense!) aside, my feet slipped (past tense!) into my slippers. I grab (present tense!) my robe, draping it over my nighty. See? Past/present tense problems. This is what it should be like: I awoke to a scream. My vision adjusted to the blinding morning light streaming through my window. I gathered and pushed aside my covers, my feet slip into my slippers. I grabbed my robe as I got up, and draped it over my nighty. 2.) One big paragraph! This is bad! You want to break up what you're writing. Or else, it will be like what it is now and that hurts our eyes when reading, also, breaking up paragraphs helps us absorb the information you're giving us. 3.) More details! Be more descriptive, such as: I gathered my warm covers and threw them to the side of my bed. Luckily, they didn't make much noise and I slipped out of bed, into my empty, quiet room. See how descriptive that is? Try to capture that. Don't think I'm being rude, I'm merely trying to help you become a better writer. I hope this helps! | |
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Current revision as of 10:43, 21 March 2013
Okay well, honestly, I didn't read all of it, but I read some of it, when I noiectd these problems.1.) You have a verb tense problem. You switch from present to past, to present again.This is what you wrote: I awoke to a scream. My vision adjusted to the blinding morning light, streaming in through my window. I gather bed sheets and push them aside, my feet slipped into my slippers, I grab my robe draping it over my nighty.Note what you did here: I awoke (past tense) to a scream. My vision adjusted (past tense) to the blinding morning light, streaming through my window. I gather (present tense!) and push (present tense!) aside, my feet slipped (past tense!) into my slippers. I grab (present tense!) my robe, draping it over my nighty. See? Past/present tense problems. This is what it should be like: I awoke to a scream. My vision adjusted to the blinding morning light streaming through my window. I gathered and pushed aside my covers, my feet slip into my slippers. I grabbed my robe as I got up, and draped it over my nighty. 2.) One big paragraph! This is bad! You want to break up what you're writing. Or else, it will be like what it is now and that hurts our eyes when reading, also, breaking up paragraphs helps us absorb the information you're giving us. 3.) More details! Be more descriptive, such as: I gathered my warm covers and threw them to the side of my bed. Luckily, they didn't make much noise and I slipped out of bed, into my empty, quiet room. See how descriptive that is? Try to capture that. Don't think I'm being rude, I'm merely trying to help you become a better writer. I hope this helps!
