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-	Poor grammar. Make sure you put speacs after your punctuation marks. You do sometimes, but not always. Also, make sure you capitalize your names, and the beginning of sentences.“fine Elliot”Byron blew harder at his pipeBlowing into it would just send a shower of sparks and ash all over the carpet. You suck air in, then blow out the smoke, not through the pipe.These are just technical things, though, not a big deal. Mostly, your writing is pretty good. Work a bit on characterization. I don't know anything about these men, and as such, I find it hard to care about them at all. Make Byron a little more sinister, and Elliot a little easier to relate to. I like that he's in his pajamas, it makes him seem defenseless. Very good there.You definitely show a lot of promise as an author. Keep writing and reading and editing. Good luck!Oh, just noticed one more thing. Why is the key to this door in his pajama pocket, especially if it's quite heavy and awkward? That's odd. Was he expecting this guest?	+	I have not forgotten! This was just the bnnegniig of attacks on American soil. The lslamo fascists place no value on human life and freedom... they celebrate death! As our nation grieves and remembers this tragic day the terrorists are salivating and planning more evil attacks against America, American interests and Israel! Indeed, their Jihad is global and against any and all that do not accept their god, allah... GOD bless the MURDERED innocent  victims of 911 and their families. Wake up John Q, wake up!!! Ann

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Revision as of 11:07, 21 March 2013

I have not forgotten! This was just the bnnegniig of attacks on American soil. The lslamo fascists place no value on human life and freedom... they celebrate death! As our nation grieves and remembers this tragic day the terrorists are salivating and planning more evil attacks against America, American interests and Israel! Indeed, their Jihad is global and against any and all that do not accept their god, allah... GOD bless the MURDERED innocent victims of 911 and their families. Wake up John Q, wake up!!! Ann