Ben Tweed's Old Flames
From Blankclubencyclopedia
Ben Tweed's romance life is as whirlwind as it is hilarious. For years Ben has shamelessly pursued woman almost as blatantly as a genuine Alta Mater Posse- Schmuse. When news came of Ben Tweed's Old Flames, Joey's Old Flame Epic was immediately dethroned as the most interesting romantic saga of the ages (only eclipsed by the fictional Bradley's 7 Deadly Flames. Full of love, betrayal, and redemption, Ben's saga is one of the great romantic comedies of all time.
Here is the unabridged version of the Ben Tweed Old Flame Reference Packet in its entirety. Discovered by Swiss Merchants, it is a tome of tomes, in full Technicolor.
Contents |
Ben's Old Flames
Prehistoric Era
Megan
- Timeline: Preschool to 2nd.
Attended Carolina Friends School and lived next door, so she was the only girl I had any access to at all at that time, so I decided I should have a crush on her. So I did. Not sure why.
Madeleine
- Timeline: Kindergarden to 2nd Grade.
Attended CFS. Again, I only had a crush on her because I decided I should. It tapered off rather unspectacularly.
Samantha
- Timeline: 1st Grade.
Attended CFS. I just remember randomly having a crush on her one day. OF #3 is perhaps the most inexplicable of all the Old Flames. She hated me.
ERC Era
Ellie
- Timeline: 4th Through 7th Grade, and some 8th
Ah, Ellie. She is without question the crown jewel of Ben Tweed's Stupid Deeds. I somehow managed to go through 3rd grade without falling for her. How exactly I did this is a mystery considering what followed it—5 years of unquestioned devotion through thick and thin, even after it became clear she would only see me dead. She is definitely the modern face that launched a thousand ships/epic blunders—the Skate Party, the Casper War, the Depression, the MIDB—damn, those were the days. The whole agglomeration of affairs was of such biblical proportions that the girl gets her own era.
Greer
- Timeline: 7th grade and a little bit of 8th
A nice girl. It's easy to see why I liked her—but I guess I came off as too overbearing and weird, especially after I voice-command-dialed her home number in front of her by name. Needless to say, nothing came of it.
Awakening Era
Rose
- Timeline: Summer of 7th Grade
This is widely held among Ben Tweed to be his awakening to matters romantic. A kiss behind the main camp building launched him on a romance/scandal of epic proportions involving another girl as well which is too complicated to mention. Suffice it to say it was his baptism of fire for matters to come.
Post- Awakening Era
Lydia
- Timeline: 8th Grade
This was a brief and final return to the days of old for me—you know, get a humongous crush on her for absolutely no reason, continue fawning after her while doing a downright crappy job of concealing it, and then finally ask her out and get DE-stroyed. A complete bitch. And ruthless, too.
Breakup: Ben: "Hi Lydia, this is Ben, and I was wondering if—" Lydia: "Sorry, I'm busy." Ben: "I just wanted to—" Lydia: "I said I was busy." Ben: "…" Lydia: "Goodbye." *click* --The worst rejection ever
Amy
- Timeline: 8th Grade
My first girlfriend, even if in name only. I first met her at a concert in early 2005 at which we both performed, and we exchanged SNs. Over the next few months, we IMed each other repeatedly, until on April 4, we ended up declaring our then-undying love for each other. As soon as I returned from Florida, which was where I was at the time, we immediately went on two dates—and that was it. All of a month later, she apparently decided that 20 minutes driving distance (she lived in Freeport) was too far for us to have a relationship and told this to her best friend over IM, who told me this over IM as well. Lame-o. This is made even worse by the fact that she never made any effort to contact me ever at all ever (I even initiated all convos when we were together).
Izzy
- Timeline: Summer of 8th Grade
The story goes something like this. It is one year after the events of OF#6. I have returned to the camp. At the first dance, I ask this incredibly hot girl, who looks at least 14, to dance. During this, she lets it slip that she's 12. Oh Shit! Says my brain, but the rest of me keeps on going. I follow her around, puppy like, until about 5 days later when she yells at me to go away. This, as you may have guessed from my previous adventures…I promptly refused to do. Instead, I began to act more like a stalker than I ever had before, even in the days of the Zire and the MIDB, always wearing my fisherman's hat and hooded sweatshirts so (at least under ideal circumstances) my face could not be seen. Exactly how this ended is lost in the mists of memory, but all evidence points to one fact. It did so—wait for it—in flames.
Danielle
- Timeline: Summer of 8th Grade
Summer after 8th grade to just before 9th grade/Post-Awakening Era—OF#8's best friend. Pretty much ever since I met OF#8, OF#10 and I had been having marathon phone conversations. This led to one obvious (at least to me) conclusion—OMGOMGOMG teh ask her outt!!!!1 So, as soon as I returned from camp fresh from defeat at the hands of OF#9, I asked her if she wanted to go sailing with me. She said sure. Poor sap. I immediately began a poorly conceived, poorly planned, and poorly executed seduction attempt which for some reason involved strangulation. Needless to say, she let me down gently, and we remained friends until late January 2006—or, as the crux event is known to formal scholars of Tweed, the Philadelphia Incident.
Jean
- Timeline: 9th Grade
Now how in the hell am I supposed to explain this one? I don't know, but I'll damn well try. So she was this fairly hot senior in the Theater Company with me. I just randomly began getting close to her, hugging her etc. No idea why or how she tolerated this, but she did so for quite some time and evidently enjoyed it—until she did eventually tell me to back off. Quotes: "You know something? If you two weren't freshmen, I would totally tap you both."—Incredibly sketchy remark delivered to me (and Finch[!]) which became more plausible upon learning that she really only is in relationships for the sex.
Enlightenment Era
- Timeline: 9th Grade
If OF#4 is the crown jewel of Ben Tweed's Stupid Deeds (and she is, believe you me), then OF#12 is the crown jewel of Stuff Ben Tweed Did Right [Somehow, But I Have No Idea So Don't Ask]. She took a peculiar liking to me and so we went to a play together and ended up quite firmly entwined with each other. After this, it became progressively clearer that she wanted me, until 14/9/05…let's just say, first base. We did that a few more times but then we just couldn't do any more clandestine meetings. From there it only got worse, partly due to the fact that she was a senior and would shortly be leaving for college. Finally, I guess you'd say we just gave up (I was a wreck for the next 1.5 months). I hate her mom.
