EVELove

From Azuwiki

Current revision as of 22:23, 3 April 2007

EVE Love Transcript

SANDMAN (voice-over): Muffin, fluffy yet deadly. The juice extracted from a soft and sugary baked good like this can produce a mild feeling of contentment if consumed orally with milk. If, however, this rather mundane pastry is tampered with by culinary geniuses like myself, (Scream, brief shot of SANDMAN holding a knife and a ladle) a hallucinogenic compound is also added.

(Cut to shot of SANDMAN sitting at desk) I've been going to CAMS for some years now. I've lived cheaply, gone days without sleep, and spent many, many lonely nights in front of the computer. But now, at my intellectual peak, I find I am suitably prepared for a long, painful road-trip.

(Shot of BREAK looking all serious, hand on his face) BREAK, a raging Filipino who is heir to just about every admin position on the Internet. BREAK is the only driver among us. He has a reputation as an asshat, a katana-worshiping scoundrel who won't take no for an answer.

(Shot of TYDRAAD, hands steepled, sitting in an armchair in darkness) TYDRAAD, a desperate, lying deviant of an EVE Online addict, who also won't take no for an answer.

(Shot of ZERO drinking a bottle of Gatorade; at the third line, he puts the bottle back) Finally, ZERO, a passionate fan of many an overrated anime. We . . . really don't like him. We don't like him so much, that I'd be willing to sell his organs to anyone who asked.

(Shot of BREAK placing a hat on a Grimlock Photoshop-ed in, then the Grimlock on a water cooler) BREAK: I like to think of myself as Internet icon. I mean, I sign into chat rooms, I get whistled at, people ask me for my actual gender, and then, of course, I give them an air of mystery. And you know what the crazy part is? That I get banned and all I'm doing is giving kids a bit of what they want, a bit of, "Oh yes, spank it you avatar. You filthy avatar."

(Shot of SANDMAN at desk) SANDMAN: You know BREAK, you haven't been to school in the last (checks watch) 8 days? Where the fuck have you been? Do you expect me to keep paying you?

(Shot of BREAK in “all his glory”) BREAK: Shut the hell up. You don’t pay me. Besides, I've spent that time preparing for a long, greasy roadtrip. I've acquired enough katanas, katanas, katanas, katanas, katanas, katanas, kodachi, and katanas to get us 2/3rds of the way to San Pedro and back.

One Hour Later - (Shot of SANDMAN kneeling over BREAK in the “desert”)

SANDMAN: Dear Lord! He's dead!

Half an Hour Earlier - (Shot of SANDMAN and BREAK sitting on a table near the 10th grade buildings)

SANDMAN: So BREAK, what's that familiar-looking pastry you've been stroking all morning?

BREAK: Why it's a super-high powered blueberry muffin, SANDMAN. I stole it from your kitchen.

ZERO: (Rises from the back of the table) Hi guys! My mother wouldn't let me out of the toolshed to go RPing! I've been in here for 6 hours!

SANDMAN: BREAK, you know, I wouldn't eat that muffin. I might have poisoned it.

BREAK: You're right, SANDMAN. Much better we test it on ZERO first.

(BREAK gives ZERO the muffin, takes a bite, makes faces; cue the drug trip scene)

ZERO: *Disturbing noises*

BREAK: Any questions remaining?

SANDMAN: Yeah, did I make any more of that stuff?

BREAK: Uh, I wouldn’t risk going back to your kitchen. I ran into both the flaming spear traps and the spearing flame traps.

SANDMAN: I say we hit the road, just you and me.

ZERO: You can’t leave me here!

SANDMAN: We may need a hostage along the way...

BREAK: What the...?!

(Another Photoshop-ed Grimlock) ZERO: Heiguh!

SANDMAN: It's going to be a long journey. We're going to need a Grimlock.

BREAK: You're right. Let's put him in your new Wheeler-Dealer.

(Cue the Walking Around song, with a small walking shot; SANDMAN, BREAK, and ZERO come to a crosswalk)

TYDRAAD: (rises into view of the wagon; sizes up ZERO) SANDMAN, long time. I noticed your friend is unable to defend himself. Would you sell me his organs? I can't, uh, pay you, but I have a stash buried out in San Pedro. Accompany me out there and I'll give you $500 for both the company and the organs.

(A car horn honks, TYDRAAD runs over and kills a bunch of people)

BREAK: Deal, but you don't get the organs till we get the money.

SANDMAN: You're a shrewd organ merchant, BREAK. Come on, TYDRAAD.

(Small walking shot) SANDMAN: So TYDRAAD, why'd you get into the organ-whoring business?

TYDRAAD: I started out to pay for my very serious EVE Online habit. Extortion pays pretty good after all.

ZERO: (Barking)

SANDMAN: So, you cut your own organs out?

TYDRAAD: Hell no.

ZERO: Uh, guys? Are you really gonna sacrifice all my organs?

BREAK: Only the ones you need to continue living.

ZERO: Uh, can I go home now?

SANDMAN: Heh, heh. Oh, I'm afraid you won't be doing that again.

ZERO: TYDRAAD, can I buy my organs back off of you?

TYDRAAD: Well, let's see. I prize them pretty highly. You'd have to, say, sell me your soul. (Simultaneous scream at “sell me your soul”)

ZERO: Yes! Yes! Take my soul!

TYDRAAD: Hm, your soul sure does sound good. Oh, there's the place my stash is buried. (Cut to a shot of a cactus) And when I say that, I of course mean that this is the place where I kill you and take your organs. (Shoots ZERO's head, points gun to BREAK's head)

BREAK: Do you still want ZERO's organs? The price has gone down significantly...

TYDRAAD: (With venom) Stop walking.

(Cue sounds of Grimlock; a slight pause as we all look at each other; some blood drips from ZERO’s head)

TYDRAAD: Good-bye, BREAK. (He shoots BREAK in the back)

SANDMAN: (Kneeling) Dear Lord! He's dead!

BREAK: No, I’m not dead! You can’t kill an admin!

SANDMAN: (Whispers) Shut up! Let me get us out of here.

(TYDRAAD points gun at SANDMAN)

SANDMAN: You fool! BREAK was a powerful man on the Internet! You could have extorted him for millions of IPs!

TYDRAAD: What? Really?

SANDMAN: Matter of fact, he's got half of his websites’ servers in the wagon right now.

TYDRAAD: Wow, cool! (Goes around, screams, gets killed by Grimlock; his skull rolls off)

SANDMAN: And when I say servers, I of course mean one very angry Grimlock.

SANDMAN: TYDRAAD's stash turned out to be 20 bucks, and a two years worth of very boring EVE Online magazines. I sold his organs, spent the money on myself, and read the magazines, but I didn't enjoy them. And neither did Grimlock.

(fade to black)

BREAK: Hey! My Wheeler Dealer! Get the (expletive) back here!