America
From Wikipop
“Tonight we dine in San Diego!”
~ Illegal immigrants on America
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'America, is the country with hardest citizenship approval laws. You must be either a Constitution Loving, gun-toting hick, or Mexican. It is also the most hated country continent on this and three neighbouring planets. america is also the fucking dumpster of the world. america should be sunk into the ocean and all american things should be taken out of the beautiful land known as britain and burned. long story short uncle sam needs to stop taking a shit on the rest of the world.
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[edit] Different American Agencies
First there is the Jewdiicross. This organization promotes people to be Jewish and Christian. The reason you don't know about this organization is because it failed horribly...Thanks to the CIA (Central Ignorance Agency) funding, backing, Ps3 making, and fighting alongside the Northern, Eastern, Western, Southwestern, and South of the Border Islamic, Muslim, and Teutonic Jihadists, the People of the Islamic Colonies (see Afganistan) have become righteously indignant, which they express mostly by firing AK-47s into the air and trying to kill their former bed fellows the Americans, but sometimes by becoming airline pilots and/or attacking Russia, which at this point in time does not actually exist, but has a better relationship with just about everyone, including Afghanistan, than America does.
The NAAIC (National Assembly for the Appeasement of Islamic Countries) is an organization dedicated to giving millions of dollars to undeserving terrorist countries like Pakistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, etc etc, so they can buy weapons and shoot Jews and Christians ans Atheists and Buddhists and Hindus and Agnostics and Black People. Also, the NAAIC has no black members, because when on tour in the countries the organization supports, the black members have been treated like servants, or attacked on the street.
The NSA (No Such Agency) is "5 times larger than the CIA and the FBI (Fascist Bitch Incas) put together." They monitor your phone calls, check your email, write down what websites you visit, and watch you through your television screen through a device called the Nelson Ratings Box.
[edit] History
America was discovered 1660 A.D. by Sir Fucks-A-Lot but soon after a 3 year war to conquer this new world the Spaniard King, Chuparron II, lost it to the British monarch James Bond The First in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Since the empire was so large at the time, sir Bond did not know what to do with this new bit of it. However just as he was about to donate it to charity, one of his jesters told a joke about the number of people dying from Plague. Upon hearing the joke sir Bond was inspired to do something about it. He decided that since this new place was not only large, far away and separated by an ocean, but mostly uninhabited (Indians don't count, nor do buffalo, rabbits, the infamous PigDog People or lost Mexicans) he declared that all people with plague should be rounded up and shipped off to America for the good of the people who didn't have it. So in 1666 all those who had the greenish, pinkish, bubbly yellow death were sent by Fedex to America. It was this and not the fire caused by one of the bakers, who when he got exported forgot to turn his oven off and set his house on fire, that saved England from the greenish, pinkish, bubbly yellow death.
This new group of colonist, all of whom were infected with greenish, pinkish, bubbly yellow doom death, arrived to the new land and started to mutate into different beings. These beings became very similar to what Americans are today (Fascist Crusty Imperialist Pig Dog Sons Of Bitches Americanus ) but there are a few notable differences with the Homo Fobius Americanus (the presidents of America). The similarities are;
- An enlarged head. This does not actually mean that they are in any way smarter than a normal human, as the enlargement is not of the cranial cavity, but of the thickness of their skull. This extra thickness means that things like "Bone Headed", "Big Headed", "Thick Skulled"
Fucking Idiotare not technically insults to them, but in fact descriptions of Hilary Clinton. - Huge excesses of body mass. Unlike the above, this means exactly what you think. They are fat. Modern scientist atribute this excess to the lack of food available on long trips like crossing the Atlantic in a cardboard box. Due to this lack of food, they built up on body fat as so to survive the jorney. However, people like you and me blame it on the abnormally large amounts they eat.
- Reduces mental facilities. This is a consequence of the increased thickness of skull, which does not permit new information into their brains. Such ideas include eating, since the fetus in the womb did not eat, when the baby is born it some times does not know how to eat, and is not able to learn. This disorder is known as Orexic, and so the child would be an Orexic.
These new species started to multiply and soon they had expanded to most corners of the continent, except for the half of it under Mexico, and the part called Canada. The Fedexed, as they then called themselves, had at one point tried to enter Canada but, although their extreme layers of fat protected them from the cold, it also sometimes broke the surface of frozen lake, stopped them from running away from rabid werewolves, or got them so stuck in snow that they coulden't move. They never tried Mexico (modern scientists speculate that it was perhaps because they hate everything that isn't their species and white and or Hilary Clinton).
[edit] How America Got Its Name
Some crazy European bastard had America in his name, and when he came to America, he named it after himself. (This is actually true.)
[edit] The People
It is also a well known fact than the most of the dimwitted people in the world are located in the US, "only in the USA" as said in broardway! These can be witnessed in many crime videos where a man, while holding up a petrol station, simply puts his sniper rifle down on a counter to rob the old man behind him and another idiot falling through a roof into a motion sensor protected room. Other accidents range from parking in the middle of train tracks to drowing in the attempt of pulling a sink plug out with their teeth. It is also reflected in the food, (Hersheys and Greasy Burgers Which americans crave and devour). This major lack of intellegence in the majority of the population has only become majorly apparent since World War 2 because most of their intellegent population was wiped out. In reality, they've never won a major war since, though they still haven't stopped trying. It is also notable that American scholars are the equivilant to to Canadian elementary school drop-outs.
The American population mainly constist of military (I may be slightly off) aproximatly 90%, 80% of which cannot tell left from right, With over 90% of the army living in another dimention away from prying eyes. Another 9.9% cannot tell whether or not to go nor come whiles a 0.0001% are classified as intellegent, 99% of these are immigrants. The remainder are semi-normal either locked in a 1980's lifestyle with curly hair or live a life of strange habits (Britney Spears is a prime specimin). 99% of these people are Either overweight, Obese, or dead from obesity. REMEMBER!!! Obesity kills, so does anorexia.
Also due to the fat population, this massive contenant is slowly sinking under the weight of their McDonalds loving population. Ironically, they were one of the first countries to complain about rising sea levels, other countries followed, linked only by the fact that McDonalds first appeared that day 20Yrs prior.
could someone put this pic into a frame?
[edit] America to be reincorporated into the British Empire
After years of Americans being fat and arrogant, Britain has decided to reincorporate the fatties into their empire for America's own good. Future Prime Minister, Mr Tom H. of Southern England, and with the random additions by people who decide to add their own stuff, has issued the following laws upon America's citizens:
"America to be reincorporated into the British Empire
Since independence of your country was attained back in the 18th century, you have proven to the rest of the world time and time again that you simply cannot run your country responsibly. Clearly none of you have the mental capacity to aid in the running of such a nation, and that is why your country is being reintegrated into the British Empire, effective as of today. The following are the rules I shall now impose on your morbidly obese nation.
1. First of all, the country�s name will be changed. People have heard the name �America� so many times, and frankly we�re all sick of it. Idiotland sounds far more appropriate. All Americans shall now be called Idiots. (Although for this list, we will refer to it as America, to avoid confusion. Just know that if you hear the word Jackass, you know we're talking about America.)
2. Your army will be trained by the British army exclusively, and shall be trained for longer periods, simply because your current army is shithouse. Any army with such large numbers of friendly fire incidents obviously can�t be trusted to potty train themselves. No �R and R� time shall be awarded to any member of the US armed forces because we don�t feel that you deserve it yet.
3. All US politicians shall form an orderly line outside Fuckingham Palace, where they will royally blow in the Queens mouth.
4. You will all stop raping our language. All schools will change to incorporate the actual language, rather than its bastard son that you�ve all adopted. Colour will be spelt properly, with the �u�, and the same goes for all other words you�ve managed to get wrong. Schools will try their best to increase your range of vocabulary, as re-using the same 30 words interspersed with �like� and �you know� doesn�t count as a proper conversation.
5. Compulsory evening classes will be introduced to get rid of that irritating nasally accent you all have. No longer will Americans be allowed to say all words so they sound like they are saying arse all the time.
6. Police have the right to taser someone in the chest if they refer to the English language as �American�.
7. Baseball will not have a �World Series� anymore, simply because it isn�t a world series, infact baseball will renamed merged into rounders and phased out as the proper and true sport of cricket is phased in as the national pastime
8. All sports will be given their real names back. Everyone outside of America is fed up of rugby being referred to as �football�, as it barely involves use of the foot. Effective immediately, baseball will be changed back to rounders, American football will be changed back to rugby, soccer will be changed back to football, and basketball will be changed back to netball. Golf will also become fishing, and Hockey will now involve javolines. Much more fun.
9. Anyone heard saying something along the lines of �America is the best country ever� will be handed a copy of World History. Second time offenders will be forced to stand in the middle of a room, surrounded by 100 Europeans, Australians and Japanese hired to point, laugh and eventually beat them senseless. Third time offenders will be clubbed to death. No exceptions.
10. In The Oxford English Dictionary, the example given for the word oxymoron shall be �American patriot�.
11. Anyone found celebrating the 4th of July shall be permanently renamed �Retard�. As many people will probably be celebrating this day out of habit, you will be assigned a number, e.g. �Retard 1�, �Retard 2�, and so on.
12. The channel ABC1 shall be removed from British television. Apart from Scrubs, all comedies shown on there are about as funny as a genocide, and are physically painful to watch. All records of its existence shall be expunged.
13. Anyone found disrespecting or mocking Britain shall be conscripted into Project Meningsløs, which aims to build a bridge between the UK and US. This bridge is expected to take up to 500 years to build successfully and shall be utterly pointless, for as soon as the bridge is finished it will be promptly destroyed to stop the retards from immigrating to the far more interlectuarly advanced country, England.
14. As of the 1st of January 2008, it will be legal to shoot rednecks whenever one feels inclined to do so.
15. All chavs anywhere in the world will be deported into the city of Los Angeles. It�s full of pricks anyway, so you won�t notice any difference.
16. A large pit shall be dug somewhere in Arizona, and all conspiracy theorists shall be thrown into it. On the odd occasion, a pack of lions shall be introduced to the pit for the entertainment of the Empire.
17. Someone from America will be appointed to explain to the rest of the world what the hell a S�more is, as no-one seems to know.
18. All Americans will be trained to accept the truth that America has not invented anything of value yet. The plane, the TV, the radio, the car, the lightbulb, and the computer were NOT American inventions, and most if not all are British inventions. The only American invention worth noting is condensed milk, and anyone in denial of these facts will be subject to flogging and forced to drink the wretched condensed milk.
19. All guns will be taken from the hands of citizens. My motto is �if you�re not sensible enough to own something, then that something should be taken away�. Therefore, all gun licences shall be revoked.
20. To cut down on rates of obesity, every 5th fast-food meal will contain cyanide.
21. Use of the incorrect statements �we kicked your ass in the revolutionary war� and �we saved your ass in the Second World War� will be made illegal. In the revolutionary war, the superpowers France, Holland, Spain and Germany declared war on us, and as we were fighting stronger opponents all around the world, we only had a small 3rd rate army in your country. You were armed, funded and reinforced by the French, and due to more urgent matters than your silly little rebellion we eventually left. You did not �kick our ass�. As for World War 2, we had already won the Battle of Britain against overwhelming odds before you actually entered the war, and the invasion of Britain had been completely abandoned. You did not �save our ass�. You will come to accept this. Every time you deny these truths, we will take one of your fat limbs.
22. Anyone heard shouting �Yeehaw!� will be literally crucified, crown of thorns and all. Unfortuantly, most Americans can escape the penalty my vomiting mid-scentence, which is about all the Americans can do nowadays.
23. If Americans have the lack of sense to ask Europeans questions like �do you have TV over there?� and �I have a friend in London/Paris/Berlin, do you know him?�, then they shouldn�t have the privilege of talking to Europeans.
24. No, I do not know the Queen. Stop asking me that or I�ll relieve you of your vital organs and put them atop the queen's crown myself. However, we will give you the privilege of meeting The Prince of Wales as he embarks on a nationwide tour.
25. You will all stop trying to capitalise off of the legal system. If you do something stupid such as you cut off your hand believing it to be possessed by the devil and fail to get it reattached, it�s not the hospital�s fault you can�t tie your own shoelaces anymore. If you buy contraceptive jelly and eat it on toast, only to find out it didn�t work, it is quite blatantly your fault you got pregnant. If you lose your fingers because you tried to stop a chainsaw from moving with your hand, it�s your fault, whether it warned against it in the manual or not. Just because you made a right tit of yourself, it doesn�t mean you should be paid for it.
26. Since you have managed to vote for a president with an IQ comparable to that of a mattress, monkeys shall permanently rule the White House. You won�t notice any difference, and it removes the shame of you voting in a complete right wing whitey turd again.
27. All Scientologists will be force-fed rusty spoons. Seeing as they believe they are descended from aliens they will be exiled to Pluto, human rights laws do not apply.
28. You will deport Paris Hilton to the UK. She�s annoying enough to make Ghandi scratch out a nun�s eyes, so we will gladly hang her from Big Ben. In return, you can have James Blunt thrown into one of the many prisons where most Americans live to get anally acquainted with some dumb as dogshit KKK shithead.
29. All morbidly obese Americans, therefore 99.99999% of your population, shall be given free lipo-suction by your mind-boggling rich cosmetic surgery industry, thus solving your two greatest problems: 1. there will no longer be anybody so bloody fat and ugly that it feels like your eyes are being pulled with baby hedgehogs and dunked in a vat of hydrochloric acid. 2. there won't be anybody complaining that your ridiculously low petrol prices have gone up by a couple of cents because the fat removed by the liposuction will be used as fuel for all your bloody huge 4x4 cars covering up for the littler things in your lives.
30. all escalators and elevators in america will be instantly broken up for scrap. just take the stairs for once you fat lazy fucks
31. all journeys under 500 meters must be walked. failure to comply with this rule will result in instant confiscation of the offenders genitals.
32. McDonald's shall only open one day a year and will only serve salad.
33. You shall invent your own bloody food that doesn't make the rest of the world retch. By the way just so you know, America didn't invent pizza, burgers, pancakes, cake, ice cream, chocolate, frankfurts or chips (although dumb yanks call them french fries for some mystical reason).
34. You shall also repeat "Just because I so obscenely stupid as to call chips 'french fries' does not mean that they come from France" 20 times every morning and night.
35. Anyone who ever supported President Bush shall have their fingers cut off one by one and then they shall be skinned alive whilst being electrocuted and burnt on those parts that you would find precious if you could see them through your bloody massive stomach
36. Everyone shall learn where the countries that they voted to destroy are.
37. Police are hereby allowed to use any person found with a cowboy hat as targets.
38. Henceforth, anyone caught with:
a mini american flag Sun glasses that cover half the face A biker moustache (and if moustache is ever prounced mustash, that person shall be hung drawn and quartered. a superman t-shirt a madonna album a mind against stem cell research and abortion a Hummer (which is not called a humvee you dumbshits) a mind that thinks petrol is called gas a pick up truck a white cowboy suit a gun a mind that calls trousers pants shall have their genetals chopped off and their skin ripped off and force fed to them. Armpit hair shall be taped to the mouth and they shall have to
watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCoVaeYHzWA&mode=related&search= 50,000 times whilst having their bare flesh burnt.
39. Anyone who asks where "Hogwarts" is will be sentenced to the electric chair.
40.Anyone connecting germany directley with the nazis will have there genitels choped off
41. You will immediately adopt the metric system, failure to do so will result in deportation to a Welsh reeducation camp.
42. Britain still owns California. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! In fact, in 1579, Francis Drake sailed to California waaaaay before anyone else. However, Britain has yet to actually take the claim. Perhaps it's because they don't want to have to deal with all the ghey, bollywood, crack, and smog. But they're just lying in wait... you'll see... you'll all see! (sometimes, truth is funnier than fiction)
43. You are henceforth required to cease all relations with farmyard animals. it's just wrong.
44. Stop making crappy cars like Buicks and Mercurys and Cadillacs and the like. However, Land Rovers, Triumphs, Bristols, Jaguars (Not Jag-yu-wahr, pronounce it right) and TVR's are acceptable.
45. Most European cars are also acceptable (barring French ones, they're just as bad)
46. You will re-instate the GBP (£) as your form of currency
47. A billion is a million million, not a thousand million
48. Theoretically, we created you so you owe us roughly 224 years of back taxes. That's £1,651,887,941,587,181.80 or $3,367,694,729,133,314.09
49. His Majesty's costs in the colonial war will be reimbursed, with interest.
Due to your misplaced and frankly quite humourous pride, it is likely that I will get many emails regarding the inferiority of Britain. Well, hurry up and send them, I like a good laugh at ignorance. If you wish your email to be read, then include in the email subject �I�m so fat I have to wear elastic-topped jeans�, and send them to britainisthebestcountryever AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk."
[edit] Did You Know?
- "America" is not equal to United States of America
- Americans are the most ignorant inbred bastards to ever walk the face of the Earth (and moon)
- Hilary is the best example for the statement above
- Bush is the smartest American to ever live. Just shows you how dumb the rest of those fuckers are (George Bush was born in a zoo for God's sake!)
- America doesn't exist apart from in the imagination of a donkey somewhere on Mars.. It's currently taking drugs to rectify this problem... or is it?
- Americans think friendly-fire is heroic.
- Pumpkin Pie is the only American invention that doesn't involve killing things. Except pumpkins.
- According to a 2002 estimate, approximately 87.5% of Americans can't belive it's not butter.
- The contest of Miss America excludes contestants of countries other than USA.
- That a jingoist today actually means an American. (See the "CIA World Book of Twisted Perspective 2007" for further information.)
- That the views of George "The Menace" Junior are not representative for ALL Americans! Only the one's from USA. Canadians are innocent.
- America takes credit for British inventions such as the television, plane, lightbulb, world wide web, car, phone, radio...
- That the United States of America in reality spends more on foreign aid per GNP than any other nation in the world situated on the North American continent residing below the Canadian border?
- America is and has always been the # 1 champion of American Football! And it has always only been played in America.
- It's been chosen as the first country to be flown into space and all of the worlds scientists are working on the technology to do this. As a short term solution the British have begun building a wall around the USA but there attempts are slowed by the constant barrage of terrorists trying to blow up the USA hitting the wall.
- The original name for the continent - A MERRY CAR - was invented by the English?
- Every country including America hates America
- That in America everyone owns SUVs or a truck
- The Average American has an IQ of approximately 3.986756473. This is lower than the average matress, but slightly higher than that of a glass of water.
- America is soo big because the fat people that live there flattened it.
[edit] See Also
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