Richard Gere

From Speakeasy

Keep this man and his gerbil army away from your anus.

Richard Gere is a man who uses his acting career and political activism as a front for his top secret Buddhist ninja team comprised of himself and 4 mutated, anthropomorphized teenage gerbils.

How it started

While dating Cindy Crawford, one night Richard Gere decided to stuff some gerbils in his anus for fun. When they were extracted a few hours later (after he had played tennis, went swimming and went to the Oscars), he found the gerbils had mutated into strange, slime covered things. They quickly grew to be 6 feet tall. He taught them to read, speak, and to understand both Buddhism and ninjitsu. He named each of them after a famous person with HIV/AIDS: Magic Johnson (the thoughtful one), Keith Haring (the rude one), Arthur Ashe (the brainiac), Freddie Mercury (the silly, surfing & pizza-obsessed one).

The Dalai Lama's Elite Ninja Forces

From that day on, he decided to use his ninja gerbils as elite warriors to free Tibet and create the Dalai Lama's 10,000 year Reich. But he realized that 4 ninja gerbils were not enough to defeat the evil robotic forces of Hu Jintao, so he went about kidnapping the toughest men in the world (Croats and Serbs) and implanted gerbils in their anuses to create more teenage mutant ninja gerbils. This is a possible explanation of the disappearance of Niccolo and Donkey.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Gerbil in Training

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