Dirty Me/You deserve it

As you lay on the floor crying, you think about what you could have done differently. Maybe you should have ignored it. Maybe you should have called the police, or your parents.

You keep thinking about how stupid it was to get a gun. You wouldn't use it on him, and it shouldn't have surprised you how he reacted.

Everything hurts. Your stomach is bruised, and you don't even want to imagine what your face looks like. You can see blood on your legs, and you can feel something wrong with your vagina. You can barely move.

Although you know what he did was wrong, the feeling that you are dirty, that you are evil wells up again in your mind. While intellectually you understand this, you still feel that you deserved this. After all, it is not like you are a good girl or anything. You did pull a gun on him.

Eventually, the pain subsides to a dull ache, and you force yourself up, force yourself to the bathroom to get cleaned up before your parents get home. You don't want them to see you like this. You don't want them to know.

• You are tired of it all
• Time to go back to your numb self